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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Man alert!!!!!

85 replies

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 12:19

Hi, married man of 40, gorgeous wife, 3 young kids (also gorgeous), sex life....a desert! Have tried just about everything to get things started.... candlelit baths for two, romantic weekends away, cuddling up in front of a good film etc etc.
Her libido seems to have headed south and i just think that after all day looking after the little uns there just isn't anything else left to give.
i was wondering if anyone was able to recommend some erotic fiction that may help to re-ignite the fire? i did buy "girl with a one track mind" which i know she looked at but described as pornography. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, any ideas??
Or any other suggestions?

OP posts:

normabutty · 22/08/2007 12:26

Buy her a day at a spa while you look after the kids. Arrange a babysitter for when she gets back (or for someone else to look after the kids).

Sheherazadethegoat · 22/08/2007 12:31

have you asked her what she wants?

pipsqueeke · 22/08/2007 12:33

yes agree stop thinking of the sex side and start wiht the pampering, us girls love nothing more than the thougthful caring part of our husbands. I personally hate it when DH tries the groping/suggesting etc- by doing something for her shows you understand how hard she has it somedays and you're grateful for all she does . honeslty a little appriciation goezs a long way

(as does the odd box of chocs for no apparent reason or being asked )

KerryMumbledore · 22/08/2007 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 12:41

what used to rock her boat when you first ot together..?

I would find a day to myself much more likely to raise my libido than any thinly guised romantic gesture...
The trouble is that the bath and romantic weekends away just add pressure on her to perform.
Tell her to go off and do her own thing..she'll come refreshed and who knows..maybe in the mood?

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 12:49

Wow, so many responses so quickly!

Havent done the spa thing but have booked her in to have a nails/done etc before so may be i can do that again.

Pipsqueak, yup she has said something similar, and she does get lots of unexpected gifts.

Kerry, will make more effort with the chat thing but...have tried before and she doesn't really tell me what she wants other than a rest & a bit of downtime which i try & give her by taking over the chores/kids when i get home. But she is a bit of a martyr in ways such as "i must mop the floor" "i must clean the kitchen" etc by the time shes ticked everything off her list she's tired or its too late. she just won't leave those (unimportant) things alone to spend a bit of time with her husband (v.important) which is getting to me.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 12:52

get her a cleaner?

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 12:52

Dropdead, hear what you are saying ref the bath, weekends = pressure. she has said that.

i try to give her time, but see my comments ref housewife martyrdom (i must clean this floor etc). She says that its important to her as looking after the kids and the house is her job and she like to feel like she is doing it well but it's eating away at me that she prioritises stuff like that that can always wait at the expense of some quality time to ourselves.
(Quite carthartic this getting it all off your chest stuff isn't it!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 12:54

dropdead, she could have a cleaner if she wanted.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 12:57

awww you do sound like a nice guy...i guess you have to convince her what great job she is doing and that every employee deserves time off..so does she

HappyDaddy · 22/08/2007 12:57

She seems to have told you what she doesn't want. Maybe you could ask her why she feels the need to kill herself with the housework. Is she avoiding you? Does she have any intimacy issues? If not, a weekend away without making sex part of the plan will help her relax and rediscover her old self.

I'm a bloke, by the way. Welcome.

OrmIrian · 22/08/2007 12:58

Forget the pornography and the attempts to titillate. Trying to get her going with dirty books is a bit like trying to push start the car when there's no petrol in the tank iyswim. If she's anything like me, the libido is still hanging in there but well crushed under layers of domesticity and exhaustion. Can you manage a weekend away without kids? Or even let her have a day at home alone? That would help.

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 13:03

do the rest of you agree with ormirian about the book idea?

OP posts:

normabutty · 22/08/2007 13:05

Yes. She knackered after looking after 3 kids all day and doing housework...then you want her to read a book about sex (making her feel pressured that she should be having sex with you). The book is a BAD IDEA.

zippitippitoes · 22/08/2007 13:09

I think talking to her is the thing to do..and just cuddles with no expectations

zippitippitoes · 22/08/2007 13:10

jackrabbit is quite a funny name

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 13:10

yes...i think that could be something that could be introduced later but she needs to feel sexy herself again before she'd be interested

HappyDaddy · 22/08/2007 13:14

If she knows the focus behind your efforts is sex, she'll probably pull further away. Women don't respond like we do. Make sure she feels loved, comfortable, cuddled and held but with NO expectation of sex and it will eventually return. You can't force it, though.

cestlavie · 22/08/2007 13:14

Hi mate, in a very similar position so you're not alone there! I hate to say this, but my own view is that there is no 'quick fix' like some of the suggestions on here (e.g. weekend away, night out together, day at the spa) having tried a variety of these.

I think the difficulty (and girls correct me if I'm wrong here) is that DW is (a) bloody knackered a lot of the time and (b) won't do anything to give herself proper down time to relax... in my case I've offered her days/ weekends/weeks away with mates/ together/ by self but she feels that she doesn't want to spend time away from DD (she also works part time so feels guilty about not spending all her time with DD). She also can't just chill out at home even if I'm out with DD for the day (came back on Sunday to find her cleaning the windows which had only been cleaned on the Wednesday by the cleaner!).

I suspect is that it's a longish road to figuring out what can work for you both and re-setting expectations rather than a silver bullet which will magically fix things.

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 13:21

cestlavie, your situation sounds identical to mine & i think you are right, it'll be a long road back

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 22/08/2007 13:22

cestlavie you are right. I'd be cleaning the house if DH left me alone for a day. Once the whole house was spotless and I'd tidied all the cupboards then I might have a rest That's why a weekend away would be better. But as you say I too would miss the kids. And it probably wouldn't be enough. There is no quick fix.

Iklboo · 22/08/2007 13:24

May be an odd question but is she feeling depressed/down? She might not tell you she was but it has a major impact on libido

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 13:26

the trouble is it's so hard to drop the mother/wide/domestic cook/cleaner role and change straight into the shagfestloving sex kitten...

Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 13:28

i can't believe there has been so many responses to this so son, thanks everyone!

i've considered all your advice & have tried to incorporate as many of your ideas as poss.

i will pack her off for a day at the spa, get the kids to stay at GP's for the night too. When she returns she'll find the housework done, a hot bath run, a glass of wine on the side (no erotic book though!) and me stood their naked (just in case) with a feather duster sticking out of my a* in case she spots something that need cleaning and a couple of chocolate doughnuts strategically placed about my person in case she is hungry. I will be ready to talk & listen!
Have i covered every base?

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Original poster

jackrabbit · 22/08/2007 13:29

Iklboo, no def not depressed, she's very happy

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