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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A bit disappointed and worried

107 replies

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 11:59

I had started dating someone since April.

We had intense chemistry, including sexual which he admitted as well.

The problem was/is, that since April I have seen him just a handful of times (7 times).

We have discussed this matter and he has said to me he is a busy guy.

It has happened that he has cancelled even last min.

This guy is a single dad with 50% custody and i understand the busy schedule. I myself dont have kids. I just didnt expect and to be honest didnt believe this is a solid reason for not meeting often.

He also just once has invited me to his house but i couldnt go. He has told me that temporarily lives with his parents, as he bought a new house and he is doing work in it. This has been going on for months and he is not moving in. The whole situ seemed and still seems dodgy.

I met him online and I tried to make it clear from the beginning that i am not involved with attached guys. That was in April. He told me he is over his situation and that they don't talk apart from matters concerning the kid.

Last time we met was end Oct, where we had a talk about him being busy and he explained to me the exact reasons why he does not have time for a gf. We did have sex. Also he did act jealous as we had three weeks to talk up until to that point and was asking me if i did anything with others. I said no and even he commented to my phone notifications "Oh someone wants your company" I said jokingly "ye im popular" and he said "ye I bet you are".

When he left my house we kissed and to meet for drinks soon.

He didnt reach out to me since then....

I am wondering if he was just looking for a distraction or he is really over with his ex. I did some digging on her instagram and she seemed to had posted that she is single and that she is doing her.

2 days after we met, I saw that he was with his kid but she was also in the same place with also her kids from another relationship, but not interacting all together. Just hin . with his kid.

I really dunno whats going on, I always had at the back of my mind that something might be going on... I even went to psychics....

OP posts:

MapMyMum · 02/12/2019 14:14

I think the big thing you're missing about this whole situation is your feelings. Ok so an intense chemistry is great but you cannot base a whole relationship on just that. Are you happy with the situation and relationship as a whole? If you are then stay put and see where you end up. If at this early point youre already not happy and have so many misgivings then Id say end it. You dont have to wait to know what hes up to or find out if he really wants you or not. Take ownership of the situation and decide where you want your life to go, then make it happen.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2019 14:18

Honestly op, you don't even see this guy once a month, you just meet him for sex. I don't know why you're going to physics and can't see what is in front of your face. Or can and won't accept it.

prawnsword · 02/12/2019 14:18

He isn’t jealous because he is into you. He has other women messaging him or is seeing other women / ex / tinder / whatever & when his phone beeps it could be from a number of women, so when yours beeps he makes out like you’re seeing other men.

In fact, him saying “I bet you are” (popular) was more talk like a fwb would say - it didn’t lead to any type of serious conversation about if you were seeing other people, it was a casual jibe for a casual fwb

This will never be a relationship. It’s a casual fwb & nothing more. Have learnt the hard way this year if a guy wants you they will make time for you. People on the whole aren’t usually too busy for someone they really like. it sucks when you feel there is great chemistry & sexual attraction, but have found a lot of men don’t care about quality or maybe they just don’t feel that chemistry back. I find sexual attraction quite hard, so when you find someone connect with it feel Amazing - for me - but when it hasn’t led to a relationship I assume it means they just didn’t feel the same thing. It’s life...

He has only made time for you 7 times since April. I would be very surprised if there wasn’t at least one if not more other ladies on the go.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:19

@MapMyMum well i am not happy if i am being honest.

The fact is we did have an intense chemistry but i don't know why is it not moving forward if as he says he feels it too.

That is what i am unclear in, but you are right it may not matter at the end.

I contacted psychics just in an attempt to shed some light

OP posts:

forcedfunatxmas · 02/12/2019 14:20

Sorry for not telling you what you want to hear.

Does this help explain his confusion????
Yes OP. He is SO DEEPLY in love with you he is lost for words and has been for months and is dodging you around the neighbourhood, throwing himself into bushes to avoid bumping into you because well, he is so overwhelmed and embarrassed by the love he feels. Yep thats it.
But as thats the case you should probably move on. Who knows how long the overwhelmed silence will last and you only live once.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:21

@prawnsword he said also that he wouldnt like to hear if i did indeed do something with someone else....

OP posts:

lauryloo · 02/12/2019 14:22

OP you are wasting your time on this man and making yourself miserable in the process.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 02/12/2019 14:23

It doesn't matter if he's seeing other people or even is married etc. It doesn't matter if you think he seems jealous asking about other men. Though FWIW I think he was probably testing the water so he could say he is seeing other people too / you shouldn't wait for him to change his mind as he doesn't want to be exclusive.

He doesn't want a girlfriend, he told you that.

He is nice when he sees you and you have sexual chemistry. That's because he wants to have sex with you.

He might like you as a person and enjoy your company but he doesn't want a girlfriend.

He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend.

No amount of you wanting it to be different will change the reality of the situation.

You're going to waste so much time and energy on something that won't end the way you'd like it to.

Again, it doesn't matter why he doesn't want a proper relationship with you. What matters is that he doesn't want that and you do. You're incompatible when it comes to what you want. It's already over.

loserssaywhat · 02/12/2019 14:24

Just got my tarot cards out and did a reading for you OP.
Hope this clarifies the situation.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:25

hahahah thats not a proper tarot reading lol

OP posts:

AFairlyHardAvocado · 02/12/2019 14:25

he said also that he wouldnt like to hear if i did indeed do something with someone else....

But so what OP? That doesn't change the fact you've seen him a handful of times in 7/8 months and he has told you outright he doesn't want a girlfriend.

My ex wouldn't like to hear about me doing something with someone else, but he's my ex. It doesn't mean anything when it comes to continuing to see him or not.

He's a guy you've been on some dates with, not a guy you're dating IMO.

Hope you can end it and move onwards and upwards

MumOf1plusBump · 02/12/2019 14:26

Cross my palm with silver and I'll tell you something vague and pointless too

SlothOfSluggishness · 02/12/2019 14:28

He sounds like a right dick.

However, when he tells you he hasn’t got time for a girlfriend, please believe him.

Please block him everywhere and move on.

All you are to him is somewhere cosy to stick his cock when he’s got nothing/no one better to do.

Please work on your self esteem.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:29

well the general context was that he explained to me with specific reasons why he doesn't have proper time for a gf.

maybe thats what he felt. but anyway, yes 7 times in all these months doesnt mean much...

Im not contacting him an yway

OP posts:

Loveislandaddict · 02/12/2019 14:29

Just because he’s not with you, it doesn’t mean he’s with his ex.

However, he’s obviously not ready for a relationship yet, and you are just an occasional friend with benefits. Maybe he is doing up his house (why can’t you help him with this?), or with his children.

For now, this relationship is going nowhere, ( and I don’t need psychics tell me that).

QforCucumber · 02/12/2019 14:30

His words and actions dont match up because his words are lies and just what he knows you want to hear while he is with you. She probably isn't an ex, they are more than likely still together and you're just a monthly booty call.

SlothOfSluggishness · 02/12/2019 14:31

That’s the best tarot reading I’ve ever seen.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:32

@QforCucumber thats what i thought as well....

OP posts:

BlackSwanGreen · 02/12/2019 14:35

loserssaywhat

NarhwalAndAFireExtinguisher · 02/12/2019 14:37

thats not a proper tarot reading

Fucking hell.

Op, tarot is not real. Psychics- are not real. Do you not see that they have told you that he is troubled and left it open ended.....as this means that you will get back in touch and give them more money. If they said "he is using you for sex" the case would be closed and no more money for the psychic. They are not real.

Look at the evidence.

Good evidence:-

You have chemistry.

You live in the same town.

Bad evidence:-

You have chemistry- so he meets you for sex but nothing else.

He strings you along by saying he is jealous if you seeing other people but only sees you for sex once a month.

You live in the same town:- but still he only meets you for sex around once a month.

He is not your boyfriend but you have sex once a month.

You are Much MUCH more invested in this than he is. You want a relationship, he wants sex.

He shows no interest in being your boyfriend

He goes to the same places at the same time as the person who he shares a child with.

Psychics are not real.

Surely you can see this is all true?

friedbeansandcheese · 02/12/2019 14:39

Its just that his behaviour and what he has communicated to me and what he is doing doesnt match. He seems a confused person for some reason or someone that is trying to hide som ething&

But does it really matter? Just move on. Think about what YOU want instead of endlessly trying to puzzle out what's going on with him.

Original poster

GinTonic32 · 02/12/2019 14:40

we have been outside on dates.

He goes to the same places at the same time as the person who he shares a child with

That one i saw it only once. But not sure if it was for the child or not....

Anyway it does look dodgy

OP posts:

draughtycatflap · 02/12/2019 14:49

If he appears confused OP, could he be possessed? Has his head ever swivelled? Have you ever swivelled on or near it?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 02/12/2019 15:00

Got to feel sorry for this man. He thought they were having a bit of fun, instead she stalks him (and his ex) and when they do meet up he gets the Spanish inquisition.

You are very very hard work OP. It's not an attractive trait when looking for a relationship.

mistydayswampwitch · 02/12/2019 15:02

He doesn't want a girlfriend. He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. He's told you that. He doesn't have the time for you. GIVE UP!

Also shame of these 'physics' taking money off a woman who's clearly in a vulnerable state!

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