Reconciliation after estrangement?

[Albinoni]

I have NC'd for this but have posted in the past about my relationship with DD1 and was grateful for the advice and support which I received. The posts have since been deleted, at my request, but some of you may remember 'Lobster Boy', and my concerns that DD was in a controlling relationship and that I risked losing her.

Unfortunately, my fears were justified as DD seemed to become more and more withdrawn from the family, saying that her BF was her family now. She ghosted all of the family entirely for six months - apparently she just blocked us all - then there were occasional calls and she did send birthday cards etc. She moved house without providing an address and we didn't see her for two and a half years. I cannot begin to describe how painful that period was for me and DH and her sisters, but those of you who have been through this process of living bereavement will understand.

Anyway, the good news is that there has been a reconciliation following a lunch on neutral ground, in a restaurant, earlier this year (she lives hundreds of miles away from us). Prior to that, she had provided her address, so that we could send some books to her which are relevant to a course which she is intending to take next year. At the lunch, she said that they had married the previous year, and we said how pleased we were, and contact continued to improve.

The following month they asked if they could borrow some money to put towards buying a property and we agreed. Shortly after that, DD told me she was expecting a baby (due any day now), which I was overjoyed about. Then, a few weeks after that - and this is the part I am really struggling with - we received a letter from DD and SIL enclosing photos of the 14 month old which they already had. The accompanying letter was quite upsetting as it said they hadn't told us about DGC because they didn't want her to experience broken relationships and they hadn't been sure whether or not they wanted us involved at all, but they felt guilty at taking our money and not telling us about DGC.

DD and I subsequently had an emotional conversation and, since then, DD has been in contact with me virtually every day with messages and photos and is behaving almost as though nothing has happened. She says I can't think about the past or what I have missed and clearly wants to move forward. I know that she is right in that we cannot change the past and she assures me that she definitely does want us to be involved.

But I am in such turmoil over this. Obviously I am thrilled and excited about the reconciliation and the DGC, but I feel so desperately hurt and upset that she didn't tell any of us about all of these things, especially as I believed that we were close before. I am really struggling, to be honest, although it's early days and there is a lot to come to terms with.

We haven't met DGC1 yet as I think we both felt that it would be better to wait for the baby to be born and then meet them both together, when the emotions have died down a bit. The last thing I want to do is cause her any stress at this time and I sense that they are anxious at our meeting her PILs for the first time. I am also anxious about it, although they sound like lovely people and have been very supportive to DD. But goodness knows what they must think of us. I am also worried about becoming attached to the DGC in case they are taken away from me. I just couldn't put myself through all that again.

So I was wondering if anyone could give me advice if you have been in a similar situation. How easy was it to reconcile? Did the whole family reconcile or was it a piecemeal process? Did you involve any professional help, such as a counsellor or family mediator? Has it worked out? Are things the same and can the relationship ever really recover or is it just different? I really don't want to mess this up, as I have realised how fragile relationships can be, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Or they could take the cash, not do the course or childcare and then slam the door again........

On the other hand, I see the danger that he will assume the role of primary caregiver while DD does the PGCE, put a lot of pressure on her to immediately teach full-time in her NQT year (it is also easier to find FT newly-qualified posts) then whenever she expresses unhappiness thereafter, tell her that they will split up and he will keep the children...

Yes that’s another likely / possible manipulation. So difficult - it’s like playing 3D chess and trying to get ahead of his next move. Maybe it’s best to drop the rope?

I don’t mean cutting contact - but trying to second and guess his efforts.

I am sorry for the delay in responding, I did start to reply yesterday, but I found it all quite painful to think about.

I will always love my DD, but I have been very hurt by her treatment of me and the rest of the family over the last few years. Quite apart from my own feelings, I have watched my DH suffer - his sad face when he sent messages that were without reply - and my younger DDs, who loved DD1 and basically still do, I think, as they were all close, but now don't even want to mention her. It has had a massive impact on our family and we have all tried to cope in our different ways. Also, and this saddens me a lot, my elderly MIL who was a big part of DD1's life growing up, has dementia which has deteriorated rapidly over the last year. It would have meant such a lot to her to know that she had a DGD and to have met her. Now I think that she sort of knows, but then she forgets - that lost 14 months, when none of us knew about DGD, would have made a huge difference in her knowing and not really knowing and rejoicing.

Despite all of that, and I do have some quite negative feelings about DD1 at the moment which I am struggling to come to terms with, I can't do anything but follow the path towards reconciliation, with all of its risks, including that of being badly hurt again. I have to take that risk, but it involves having to trust again, and that is what I am finding hard at times. That is why I started this thread. Thank you so much Bustpipes for your positive post about your reconciliation with your dad, which I found really helpful.

A number of you have raised questions as to why DD and SIL need financial support and Sprouts has asked some very pertinent questions about my motivation in doing so. My original decision to 'lend' the money to DD to buy the house has proved, with hindsight, to be wrong, but it did not seem so at the time. She and SIL wanted to stay in their university town, where house prices were still reasonable but rising quickly. Like many parents, I wanted to help her to get onto the housing ladder and, although she and SIL were young, they seemed happy, and to have good job prospects. Provided that the legal position was protected with a Deed of Trust, I did not see a risk or downside in helping her. Then I changed my mind for the reasons which I have explained up thread - DD at the time 'forgave' me very quickly, but SIL never has.

I feel that over the last four and a half years, SIL has infected DD with his own bitterness, so that she came round to the view that we were the 'bad' family compared with his 'good' family, and that we had let them down very badly. SIL feels that we owe them, that we need to 'make amends' and that, until we do, we should be excluded from their lives and those of DGC. I am as certain as I can be that this was the reason for the estrangement and why DD turned from a loving daughter to someone filled with resentment, especially against me. As regards DH, she told him that he hadn't done anything wrong, but he hadn't done anything right. So we were cut out - either as a punishment for letting them down or as a means of emotional blackmail to get us to change our minds, possibly a mixture of the two. Apart from the occasional telephone call and birthday card, there was virtually no contact and we did not know their new address, that they had married, or that we had a DGD.

The turning point came in a telephone conversation with DD last Christmas Day. She said how hurt she had been, that I had 'got the family', and asked why I had not proceeded with the house purchase and said that they had been 'scrimping and saving'. I explained and she seemed to be listening. She also spoke of wanting to do the PGCE course. She did not mention DGD, who would have been 6 months old then. I said that we would support her in doing the course. I thought that it would be good for her, that it would make her more independent in that, apart from having a highly prized skill and means of earning a living, she would hopefully move away from being with SIL 24/7, and would be open to different people and ideas. I also did have some 'guilt' at not making the original loan and a desire to change the narrative that we are the 'bad guys', to show our love and support for her.

Then we had the lunch about 6 months later, which went well, following which there was a request for the loan towards buying the house to let out. I was a bit taken aback that they were in a position to buy a second property as I though that they had been struggling, and disappointed at the timing - so soon after the first time we had seen DD in two and a half years - but we agreed. And yes, to be honest, part of the reason was that I wanted to rebuild the relationship with DD and was afraid that, if we refused, this might not happen.

And it has been the right move to the extent that we found out about DGD and the existing pregnancy, and there is not only a renewal of contact with DD, but she is in touch all of the time. I am certain that it is because she wants to be in touch, and I sense that she was also upset by the estrangement and missed us. I also think that, much as we suffered, it must also have been hard for her to go through pregnancy, an emergency C section, the first year of baby's life, and a week in hospital when her baby who had a life threatening condition, without any support from her DP.

There are so many good points which everyone has raised that I can't mention them all. However, Theo makes an excellent point that SIL, if not exactly lacking in self-respect, certainly has a very sensitive ego. He is very easily offended and, as Maybe said, probably the teaching profession is not ideal for him, as he doesn't like hierarchies and can't cope with criticism. Theo is also right in saying that, whatever our DC's choices, which we may not understand, 'it's not mine to get, or to bear'.
Maybe sums it up perfectly in saying that the relationship lasts because it is not currently subject to ordinary pressures, including financial pressures. As Kitty points out, this will change when DD relocates to do her course. SIL will have to pull his weight in order for things to succeed and 'keep the show on the road'. Will he be equal to the challenge? For DD's and DGDs' sake, I hope that he will, but honestly I have my doubts.

In answer to SirVix, we are hoping to meet the PIL when we visit in the new year, although I sense that DD and SIL are not that keen. DD said it might be a bit much for us in the first visit, to which I said we would just see how it goes. I am quite keen to meet them and we are thinking that we will invite them out for lunch or something and try to get to know them. I agree that it would be too much to see them at the same time as DD, SIL and DGDs.

Sorry this is long and that I may not have answered all of the points, but I am getting tired now and going back to bed. This has been cathartic and has helped clarify my thinking, so thank you very much to everybody who has contributed.

@Albinoni

I've reread your thread a couple of times and each time I'm torn between whether she's being very manipulative or controlled by SIL (which is my suspicion)

I think you've done so well and under the circumstances I think the only decision I would have done any differently is the recent loan but I fully understand why you did it. I really hope things are able to improve.

Albinoni I have re-read your thread multiple times. It is heartbreaking and you are now on another more messy chapter of this, no doubt, long winded journey with many more twists and turns, ups and downs, shocks and pain.

If that’s what you choose to go on.

You have already endured nearly 5 years and your other DDs, DH, marriage and family life has been blighted and maybe irreparably scarred by this already. Think long and hard about the long game, how you (and your DH/DD) are also recipients of his manipulative controlling abuse - he has dragged you all into his toxic drama so that he can attack, poison and destroy you all by stealth. Decide whether or not you are actively walking back into that and if that means your MH, DDs and DH relationships all end up thrown under the bus (this is LB objective) - or if you turn your back, leave the door open for your DD and live your life to its fullest in the interim.

Or if you can achieve both by “detached love”, leaving them to face the consequences so that it all becomes uncomfortable for your DD sooner rather than later and you haven’t facilitated or enabled their relationship for any Ionger than it needs to endure.

As PP has said, referencing the NC forum, these “reconciliations” are followed by further estrangements and the cycle repeats and repeats.

This is the pattern ahead - be ready for that hurt - it is his way of control and inflicting pain - he did it to his parents and your DD and he will keep doing it to you.

Also if she does ever leave him be aware that on average abused women return to the partner 7 times before the last departure.

These two dynamics are years and years of stress, distraction, drama that will prevent you from being fully engaged in your other DDs and DH lives.

Choose wisely. The DGD are by far the biggest emotional risk to you.

Does your DD initiate contact or do you?

Couple of things to consider. Your gut was to back away when she landed the DGD on you. Maybe listen to this - she has hurt you v deeply and viscerally - this was calculated and sustained for years - that took effort. Surely there are consequences for them for that stunt - and there are certainly needs from you end. You need time and space to feel that pain, heal from the wounds and consider your options. They cannot yank your chain whenever they see fit. You can decide to not feed the drama, not get hurt, protect your family by dropping the rope and emotionally detaching. You can do this subtly - let her contact you, don’t always be available or come running.

Also am I right that there are 2 mortgage free properties (one you paid for outright which is in his name only?) and that they need to move to a rental for the PGCE - is there not enough rental income from the two mortgage free houses to pay the rent on the one house in the new area without you having to pay for it?

I’d add a couple of things. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place but I think Kitty has a point: how much is this costing 4 people as against DD1?

And, you know what they say: put your own oxygen mask on first. Please look after you, to better care for others.

It seems to me that (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) your guilt plays a part in this. Objectively, you have done your best and made the best decisions you could on the information available: no one could ask for more of you. Do you think the difficult feelings you have toward DD play a part here? For what it’s worth in my view she should have difficult feelings, not you.

And finally, I don’t reckon you’ll meet the parents. They have, you said, called SIL ‘difficult’. He won’t risk you and them meeting (you might gang up on his fragile ego) so the pulling back from that proffered meeting is telling.

Best of luck @Albinoni

Op I'm very worried about you meeting the pil because this is a situation that comes up frequently on forums. They are not your friends, they are going to, and have been, supporting their son.

I'm going to send you some links.

Lobster boy..."a taste for the finer things in life if someone else is paying for them and a controller to boot"

I'm really sorry that she is entwined with him and for my cynicism that he is building a property portfolio at the expense of your future pension.

I can't add anything to help you at this time

100% about the PIL. Don’t try to read them - they will have a mask. Don’t fall into any traps if they ask Qs - they will feed it back. I would but even meet them - they will always be in his side no matter how shocking his behaviour.

There might be something in the attached - it’s all about enabling, dependency, denial, secrets etc that create a “Merry - go - round” where everyone is facilitating and everyone gets hurt as it just goes on repeat. Not sure if it works but if you substitute the alcoholic for the abuser - it might work to see a system at work? Might be nonsensical also.....but worth considering xx

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

I have pulled out a few of the summary paragraphs from the link above and tried to apply it to your situation. This is how AA explain why “detached love” is a way forward and how our natural reactions and compulsions to rescue actually backfire by facilitating and enabling the Merry-go-Round to keep on turning. I am not sure if the alcoholic is the SiL or your DD (maybe both?) but your role is possibly the wife:

“Rescue and support denies the alcoholic the process of learning by "correcting his own mistakes", and conditions him to believe there will always be a protector who will come to his rescue, even though the Enablers insist they will never again rescue him. They always have and the alcoholic believes they always will. Such rescue operations can be just as compulsive as drinking.

If the wife absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted or undermined in every effort to cope with the situation and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety and rage. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick. She is not a sick woman who made her husband (SiL/DD1) become an alcoholic but a woman who becomes part of an illness / system by living with it. She is put in a role which forces her to become the Provoker. She is caught between the advancing illness of alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame and embarassment inflicted upon her by society (DD2/3, DH). This crushes her; she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her husband's (Sil/DD1) illness, but because she is being destroyed by it.

To avoid injury to the children (DD2/3, DH) the wife must seek help outside the circle of family and friends. When she plays the role of Provoker the children (DD2/3, DH) are placed between a sick father (SiL, DD1) and a sick mother (you). The wife who seeks and finds help early enough can prevent much of the harm which is being passed on to the children through her reaction to her husband. If she seeks and finds help, it will protect the children in many ways and may open the the door to her husband's (DD1?) recovery. The rate of recovery increases greatly when the wife seeks help for herself and continues to use this help.

As a rule, she cannot tell her husband (DD1) anything for he refuses to hear it. Her only effective means of telling him what she means is to learn to free herself from his attempt to control and dictate what she is to do. This independence may be exercised in silence; it need not be expressed in words. Just as the real message to the wife is what the husband does and not what he says, she must learn to convey her message by ACTING in a new way.

The family member is able to see the Merry-Go-Round of the alcoholic, but often fails to see that she is the one who helps to keep it going. The hardest part of stopping the repeated cycle is the fear that the alcoholic (DD1) won't make it without such help. But what she unknowingly considers help (money/support?) is the very thing that permits him (DD1) to continue to use alcohol as the cure-all for his problems.

To repeat, the wife can find a source of help for herself. This is the only way to break the merry-go-round of denial. Once help is found, she must continue to use whatever help is available and build her own program of recovery, perferably within an established group. Starting a recovery program may cause greater suffering, conflict and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the support cast of the play which keeps the Merry-Go-Round turning.

In our present society, the wife has one basic choice - to seek help for herself or permit the illness of alcohlism to destroy her and other members of her family.”

Not sure if that is making any sense.....

OP it seems obvious that you are a loving and thoughtful person, and that your dd came from a kind and affectionate family.
I have thought about this over the last day or so - your dd appears to be very much under the influence and control of LB.
I do rather agree with the pp who says that the more you shore up things financially, the more you shore up the whole horrible relationship. It needs to get tricky, or it won’t break down. Also buying property that is now in whose name ? Hers? His ? Will benefit him if they divorce.
I would have an open door and open arms, but not an open wallet. Your dd has treated her family terribly, and although it is under the influence of LB, she does need to feel what pain her decisions have caused.
I would read up on controlling relationships, but I also wonder how your dd was before she got together with LB, was she considerate and caring ?

Thank you everyone for your comments and to Kitty for her interesting and helpful analysis of the situation. I think you are right in saying that 'detached love' is the only way forward, for the sake of my own mental health and the well being of my DH and other DDs.

In fact, that might not be too difficult, as DD currently lives over 300 miles away, so I wouldn't be able to see them very often anyway, and I doubt SIL will make me very welcome. There is always an atmosphere when he is around - he always seems to be watching and observing and judging, rather than engaging and joining in. He makes me feel uncomfortable. DD told me that when they lived in the student house where they met, he kept a notebook where he would make detailed notes about people's movements and make comments on their characters etc. He also tries to pigeonhole people into different character types by what he regards as 'scientific' means, so that he can predict their reactions. When I first met him, he and DD were interested in some personality quiz which they claimed was infallible. I completed the quiz in a light hearted way, and said I was say, a Type A, but SIL, after having only known me for a few days, insisted that I was a Type B - looking back, it was quite odd.

Turning back to detachment, when I look at the photos of DGD1, I see a beautiful baby who has grown into a lovely toddler but, actually, it could be anybody's child. I feel no bond and it is easy for me to say admiring things about her at a distance. I am afraid that if I meet her and the new baby, when she arrives, it will be more difficult, as I will have seen them, listened to them, maybe even have been allowed to hug them. They will become 'real' and that frightens me a little.

However, I get the impression we won't be welcome for a long visit anyway. DD was asking how long we would be staying when we visit in the new year (we will stay in a hotel, obviously not with them) and said that we could go for a walk and that she would show us the house, but what else did we want to do. I said nothing specific, just spend some time together and with the DGDs. But I am thinking that it may be awkward even being with DD for a while and very awkward if he is there, which he always is, watching. Hopefully, the presence of DGC will make it easier. A previous poster said that it is like ownership and that is exactly how it seems, as though he regards DD and DGD as belonging to him, and only to be seen with his permission and on his terms.

In terms of SIL's parents, I do want to meet them but I am certainly not planning to criticise SIL. I was thinking that I would send them a Christmas card - I have their address from when SIL lived there - and say that now we are related and are both GPs, it would be lovely to meet them and invite them to lunch on neutral territory. I expect that they are quite curious to meet us.

Sometimes I tell myself that I might be imagining all of this, that SIL is making DD happy, that the problem must be with me. It has made me doubt myself at quite a deep level. That is why this thread has been such a lifeline, as I am trying to describe things as factually as possible as well as my reactions, and the consensus seems to be that I have nothing to reproach myself for. I have indeed felt the 'guilt' which Theo refers to, but that has now largely gone.

In answer to Kitty's question, DD now contacts me. I reply to her, not always immediately, but usually the same day or the next. I admire photos of DGD, we tell each other what we have been doing, everyday stuff. It is not hard to do - on the face of it, I am friendly and breezy, but underneath the wound is very raw and a piece of me has frozen. If you are badly burnt, you are naturally wary of going near the flames again.

In answer to Kitty and SirVix, there are two mortgage free properties, the one which they live in and the one which they have just bought to rent out. My understanding is that they are both in SIL's name - when we transferred the money to DD's bank account to help buy the second property, she subsequently told me that she had transferred it to his account.

SirVix, I really like your phrase of an open door and open arms, but not an open wallet. If I make that and 'detached love' my mantras, I think this will help me to cope in moving forward.

Oh @albinoni, I am pleased you are able to take comfort from the thread as you sound so fragile. SIL does sound very odd indeed and your DD is in such a vulnerable position at least as they are married she will have some entitlement if they split despite everything being in his name. I do hope that she is allowed to see you alone.

The problem is not with you, who the hell does that thing with the notebook? thats just weird and the alarm bells you felt at the time were very real, so.

So with the original loan, was he just expecting you to put up the cash but neither you, nor DD would have their name on the property, hence the deed of trust?

You still have so much to process here I hope you are able to move forward to be in a position where your relationship with DD feels secure.

I have just read about his little notebook. Bloody Hell he sounds absolutely vile. That is also rather sinister and definitely controlling. He comes across as a narcissist. I have daughters and I worry about this sort of situation when they are older. Having been stuck in a terrible relationship myself for a few years in my twenties I am aware how easily it can happen.
Your dd sounds as though she is in thrall to LB. I am horrified that the properties are in his name. He sounds actually dangerous, not the sort of man who is going to allow her any freedom when she starts her course. How would she be able to work , with him like this ?
Will she discuss things with you, or is he always in the room listening, when she calls ? As she now has a daughter, I wonder how she would feel in years to come, if her daughter was so strongly influenced by a man ? I think perhaps going from one serious boyfriend straight to another, at such a young age, has meant she is still slightly stuck- she hasn’t had a chance to mature properly, because this relationship is so constraining that there is no room for her to grow.
Perhaps read “Look What You Made Me Do “ by Helen Walmsley Johnson, an account of her own coercive relationship. Also Women’s Aid have info on coercive control, and there is other info online as it has been made a criminal offence. Might she listen to you if you talk about that ?

The notebook thing has given me the chills.

I am glad that you have a clearer idea of how you need to live around this.

I would advise against sending his parents a Xmas card or inviting them for a meal. That is just ammunition for him or a red rag and your DD and DGDs will get the brunt of his rage. You will be treading on his territory.

They are also not your friends. They add another layer of complexity and opportunity for land mines. They also colluded with your DD and SIL about their marriage, pregnancies, births. They have had an intimate relationship with your DGD for the last year and a half and will continue to do so. There is massive opportunity for hurt here - intended or not. Can you imagine them regaling family stories of your DGD birth, first Christmas, first steps, words, birthday etc etc? You will be broken.

Moving towards them is not detaching - it is enmeshing - and if you keep away it will be two less relationships that you will have to untangle down the line.

OP, I remember your posts and the lobster boy.

Please tread carefully, you’ve been hurt enough.

Your DD1 says “you can’t think about the past”.How convenient for her( and her scumbag of a husband)

Why actually DD1 decided to contact you? Is it because she was instructed by her husband to extract more money from you?

What about if you build some sort of relationship with DGD and then get ghosted again?

As somebody earlier said the lobster boy sounds very controlling and dangerous and your DD1 must be in his thrall.

Love costs NOTHING, I would continue (very,very cautiously) to rebuild the relationship with DD1 and her DC but refuse ANY monetary support.

They should be well enough with 2 mortgage free properties and everybody financing their lifestyle.

Very difficult situation OP,wishing you strength 💐

Thanks for your support Billy.

SirVix, I totally agree with you. DD has never been out of a relationship, so has never learnt how to grow and mature and be independent. The relationship which she has with SIL is, at best, one of co-dependency. I think that you are right, she is definitely 'in thrall' to him.

Kitty, I think you make some excellent
points regarding the proposed meeting with SIL's parents and I am seriously going to re-think this. It was only going to be a casual invitation in a Christmas card but, you are right, it will just give him an opportunity to twist things and create further problems and drama. I guess I was just hoping that meeting the parents would be they key to understanding it all, especially SIL, and that we might all finally unite as a happy family.

Thanks for the great advice French. I will indeed be cautious!

I don’t think you will be able unite as a happy family, because LB is a horrible person. Controlling , narcissistic people are never going to lead to a jolly family life. Sadly, living in hope that your dd leaves this man is perhaps the only way to think.
I would be curious about meeting his family, because then you might have some insight. LB really sounds more than just an unpleasant person, he sounds as though he could have a personality disorder. I wonder if on the other side, his parents are so grateful that he has managed to get a lovely wife, that they do everything possible to shore that relationship up. I have experience of this in my wider family.

OP you also sound bullied by LB, you sound defeated by this terrible situation. Look after yourself. Remember that your daughter does , and always will love you, trust that the bond between you is unbreakable, and that she will need you when she realises the truth about him. In the interim take good care of yourself, and do things that make you happy. This is a very, very stressful situation, I really feel for you.

Your other daughters have it right. Listen to them. If you don't you'll end up losing the other two daughters too, the good kind non-manipulative ones.

This is so very sad. I honestly think she got back in touch for financial reasons at his instruction.

Getting married and having a baby without telling you is heartbreaking.

I personally would not attempt to get attached to the DC. Your SILS behaviour showed a million red flags....but she ignored them and married him.

You say she's happy...that could be what she wants you to believe.

I attended an event for stopping the violence against women and girls last week.

The speaker spoke of how she pretended she was happy to her parents, but she was being controlled by her MIL who always watched over her.

Her MIL killed her DIL (the speakers SIL) only years afterwards did she tell her parents how awful it was... when she was suffering from serious MH issues to the point of a suicide attempt...she kept her unhappiness from them.

Her parents didn't have a clue what was going on, because her MIL never allowed her to have a private conversation.

Please listen to your other DDs. They speak a lot of sense.

Remove money from your relationship with DD1.

My heart goes out to you. 💔
I have daughters and I just cannot fathom this.

Support from a distance to protect yourself.

One thing jumped out to me. Both houses are in son in laws SOLE name.

This means you have essentially given your 5 figure sum to him, to fund his dreams of being some sort of a property magnate.

I'd make sure any future monies you do ever give, will be your DD1s legally and not SILS (though I think you have already contributed too much).

I feel for you OP, and understand how difficult it is but please be aware that your other very supportive daughters (who sound great BTW) may resent the fact that you have given money to DD1 when they are buying property too and may need financial assistance. I know a family where this happened and one sibling was very hurt that the DPs helped one child but could not afford to help him.

Good luck. I hope your DD1 opens her eyes.