Is DH mentally unwell or abusive?is this normal?!

[candymilk]

Hi I need some advice because I don't know what to think and I am so confused.

I have been with my DH for 25 years - we've had our ups and downs - when we first got together I was very young things were great and then they weren't. I stupidly and wrongly kissed someone else and confessed to my DH who was my BF at the time. He was angry and hurt but we got back together and life continued we got married and now have two early teens.

However this incident (me kissing someone else) has come up a lot over the years (he brings it up) and when it does I have to endure massive abuse from my DH - shouting, slamming doors, him walking out, intense questioning, interrogation late into the night about every little detail, sometimes breaking my things, insults, character assassination- for days, sometimes weeks and once 4 months al the while I am crying and shaking wreck when this happens. This happens about every 6 months to a year and I am being ground down with it!

I have apologised over and over again and I feel I have spent the last 25 years showing how committed I am and how much I love him. About 15 years ago he split up with me because he has met someone else (because he want getting enough attention from me) but he says nothing happened and decided he wanted me. We were apart for 6 weeks and I have to believe him that nothing happened.

We are in the middle of a crisis now. I have started a new job and he is accusing me of 'slutting around' at work. He won't let me sleep in our bed - am in spare room - and he looks tortured. I am getting the shouting, the insults etc.

I don't know what to do. He gets very jealous even if I speak to men and I am so miserable and so is he.

I understand that he is hurting but his reaction to it is so raw like it happened this week and not 25 years ago. He also needs a lot of attention from women when he is like this (friends etc) and will go out with some of his female friends to help his boost his ego.

He wonders why I don't really want to have sex with him! I've told him women aren't normally turned on by men who treat them like shit and are angry and shouting.

I feel awful because he says I have ruined his life and caused his a fatal emotional injury from which he will never recover. I feel so guilty but also struggling to understand.

Anyway he is seeing a counsellor next week.

But I suppose what I am asking is do you think that this is a normal response and behaviour and what would you do!

Thank you

No, it's not normal. He might not be able to help himself, but the effect is still abusive towards you. Twenty five years apologising for a kiss? Just think about that for a moment. What would you say to a friend in a similar position?

Some men make us feel guilty so that they can manipulate us.

He needs women's attention? Right.

If this is really happening, you are being so badly played. Imagine you are only concerned for yourself, and look at the situation from that perspective. See what you think.

Also he uses our sex life as a gauge of how much I love him.

He cannot and doesn't appreciate any other demonstration of love - it's all about sex (disproportionately about it) and how attractive I find him and he needs to be told be me how sexy he is and attractive and I find this behaviour so needy and unattractive so don't want to have sex and so the vicious circle continues.

What would I do? I'd have left him, eventually. I'm vulnerable so I'd have hung on for way too long. Perhaps you've done that?

There you go.
'Shag me or I'll think you don't love me!'
Is his name Barry?

It's not normal, it's batshit. I would leave.

He's using one small mistake to abuse you and control you. 25 fucking years of that shit over a kiss... Jesus.

No its not normal or healthy it very emotionally and sexually abusive over what is in effect quite common in a lot of relationships when they are just starting/dating

start by getting some counselling

Thank you I think I have. It's awful - I wish I'd left him years ago.

He feels the kiss was a sexual betrayal because I worked with the guy it happened with and lied to him on the phone about what I was at the time and who I was with.

But I feel I have atoned for what happened.

He is emotionally unstable and I am a bit scared about what is going to happen.

He’s definitely abusing you.

What do your friends and family think of your relationship? Have they noticed how he treats you?

His behaviour isn't normal. You've been good putting up with it for 25 years. It was ok for him to see someone else for 6 weeks? I can't believe nothing happened in all that time, not even a kiss? Have a think if you really see a future with him. I bet his behaviour is a turn off!

He is nice in front of friends and family. Some of my friends think he is amazing. My brothers know that things aren't right and I've spoken to them about it but just not all the detail.

He doesn’t really believe that one kiss 25 years ago means you’re a slut. He’s making excuses to treat you this way. Tell him to get to fuck.

He's told me today that he doesn't trust me and so we have no future. He looks like a man possessed - he doesn't look well.

Tell your brothers the full details.

When you say you are scared, do you mean you are scared of him (what he might do to you) or scared for him (what he might do to himself)?

His mum cheated on his dad and so he tells me that my betrayal has touched a nerve. But it was 25 years ago!!!

Will it help you to leave him if you know he is cheating on you? Because I can 100% guarantee he is.

He’s following the script to a T.

A bit of both I think display :(

yippee really is that what men do? How would that work. He seems so invested and obsessed in us I'm not sure he is.

I can't believe you are still feeling guilty. You kissed someone twenty five years ago. He left you for 6 weeks for someone else.

Look, he is highly abusive. Highly.

If he were genuinely emotionally damaged he would have left you and he would have got therapy. Extensive abuse over 25 years is not anywhere near a normal response.

He's full of shit. If the kiss hadn't happened he would have found some other "reason" for being vile.

Get out.

That's abuse. Sorry you have been going through this for so long. X

Nobody leaves their wife for someone else and have nothing happen and I don’t imagine someone as sexually needy as your husband would have left unless they were already having sex. My bet is she saw his real character and told him to sling his hook and he dressed it up as his decision.

Anyway in my opinion what he did (even if no sex) was worse. It was a proper affair even if only emotional.

Why’s the you still there? I think you need to book yourself into some counselling to try to understand why you have stayed. I don’t know how you have tolerated it. You are not responsible for his actions only he is, start to put yourself first.

In the meantime don’t accept any of it put him in the spare room as the issues to sort out.

It sounds like things are finally coming to a head - do yourself a favour and stop prolonging the agony and assuming there's no fear for your safety, tell him you agree the marriage is over and that he needs to pack a bag and leave tonight.

One kiss 25 years ago before you were even married is just a shit excuse to treat you like crap. You deserve so so much more and will see that once he's gone.

None of the details matter. He's abusive. Has always been abusive. Will always be abusive.
The man you loved, and who loved you, doesn't exist and never did.

All there is is this abusive Arse who thinks you belong to him and have to fulfil his every passing desire.

Get out while you can.

Oh god there's so much wrong with this situation. I can tell you one thing though - that 6 week break? I'd bet my house he cheated. No question.

And he tortures you for 25 years for one kiss?

FUBAR

Yes, men who accuse you of cheating based on ridiculous "evidence" do so because they think it is normal to cheat.

If he talks to a woman, he is thinking of how he can have sex with her so if you talk to a man he assumes you are planning a shag.

If he dresses up nice it is because he is on the pull so if you dress up nice he assumes you are on the pull.

If a woman offered him sex he would take it so he assumes that if a man offered you sex you would take it.

If he started a new job he would be scoping all the women to see who might fuck him so he assumes you are doing the same.

See? His accusations show how his mind works.