Is DH mentally unwell or abusive?is this normal?!

[candymilk]

Hi I need some advice because I don't know what to think and I am so confused.

I have been with my DH for 25 years - we've had our ups and downs - when we first got together I was very young things were great and then they weren't. I stupidly and wrongly kissed someone else and confessed to my DH who was my BF at the time. He was angry and hurt but we got back together and life continued we got married and now have two early teens.

However this incident (me kissing someone else) has come up a lot over the years (he brings it up) and when it does I have to endure massive abuse from my DH - shouting, slamming doors, him walking out, intense questioning, interrogation late into the night about every little detail, sometimes breaking my things, insults, character assassination- for days, sometimes weeks and once 4 months al the while I am crying and shaking wreck when this happens. This happens about every 6 months to a year and I am being ground down with it!

I have apologised over and over again and I feel I have spent the last 25 years showing how committed I am and how much I love him. About 15 years ago he split up with me because he has met someone else (because he want getting enough attention from me) but he says nothing happened and decided he wanted me. We were apart for 6 weeks and I have to believe him that nothing happened.

We are in the middle of a crisis now. I have started a new job and he is accusing me of 'slutting around' at work. He won't let me sleep in our bed - am in spare room - and he looks tortured. I am getting the shouting, the insults etc.

I don't know what to do. He gets very jealous even if I speak to men and I am so miserable and so is he.

I understand that he is hurting but his reaction to it is so raw like it happened this week and not 25 years ago. He also needs a lot of attention from women when he is like this (friends etc) and will go out with some of his female friends to help his boost his ego.

He wonders why I don't really want to have sex with him! I've told him women aren't normally turned on by men who treat them like shit and are angry and shouting.

I feel awful because he says I have ruined his life and caused his a fatal emotional injury from which he will never recover. I feel so guilty but also struggling to understand.

Anyway he is seeing a counsellor next week.

But I suppose what I am asking is do you think that this is a normal response and behaviour and what would you do!

Thank you

Your relationship sounds so unhealthy. You need to leave, I don't think there's any resolving his type of behaviour

I have never heard of a fatal emotional injury. Has anyone else? This is absolutely awful.
I think it’s a good indication that no time will heal this ‘fatal injury’ and you have no option but to leave him

I also need to add that our sex life has never been what he wants and then the abusive jealous behaviour started turning me off him a long time ago....

And so about two years ago he went to a gay sauna in London, got a blow job (well he said the guy started but then he told him to stop) and then had to tell me because he caught an STD which he also passed onto me! This hasn't helped with the wanting to have sex with him thing.

He says my lack of interest and cold heartedness drove him to do this and I need to share a lot of the responsibility for what happened.

And he has trust issues with me!!!

Jesus OP your update is 1000 times even more Awful

Please leave him

Sorry didn't mean to drip feed - there's just quite a lot to tell x

He sounds awful. Why are you still with him? Do you love him?

You know OP .. many people on MN have said when they are constantly accused of straying .. the person accusing them is the one doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he can’t get over what happened 25yrs ago .. there ain't no hope that a councillor will be able to help .. this is not something major like murder or full blown affair ffs!

He is guilt tripping you day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year ..

Believe you me OP HE is the one that strayed!

Op you are in an abusive relationship. Please contact women’s aid if you feel able. If I may also recommend a book, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft this May help you process what’s happening
Many posters speak very highly of The freedom programme.

The problem is I have been conditioned by him to feel responsible for him and his self esteem and how he is feeling. I am also scared that he is going to tell everyone including the kids what a 'cheating slag' I am xx

Yes, please leave. Tell your brothers the details, ask them to support you.

Don't worry about any threats to hurt himself. It's just another way to abuse and control you.

All that matters are that you and your children are safe and away from this horrible horrible situation.

Oh OP he really is a twat.

Find a solicitor and leave - what a stressful life you're leading

One kiss? That doesn't mean you're a slag.

You don't catch stds from the very beginning of a blow job 🤣 Throw him out and tell him to fuck off back to the gay sauna and leave you alone.

He truly believes he is the injured one. He wouldn't even realise that he is being abusive - he says his behaviour comes from a place of pain caused by me and so I am often told to 'reap what you sow'!

so you kissed a guy before you were married and so you are a slut. He on the other hand left you after you were married, for another woman who he claims he did nothing with. Now he goes out with all sorts of female friends to make him feel wanted and he thinks you are the one who is being unreasonable? Why are you with him OP. He sounds VILE.

Oh and you can tell your kids their dad caught an std from the sauna. Tit for tat in this situation. Just tell them the truth, as teens they will understand.

He's really done a number on you if he left you for 6 weeks because he met someone else (regardless of whether anything happened. It did though.) and yet you're the one who's in the wrong because of 1 kiss 25 years ago. This is a terrible relationship for your children to be witnessing too.

You definitely need some therapy to work out how to move forward - without him im all likelihood I think.

and surely you don't think straight men go into gay sauna's do you? He is living a lie. Leave

OMG! peanutbutter I have often thought this too! But he is so convincing when he explains what happened.

Talk to your brothers, get their support to help you get away from your husband. He sounds as if he needs some serious psychological help, but it's not your job to provide that. When you have gone, maybe he will realise that he needs to deal with his irrational jealousy. In the meantime, get a plan together and get away.

I think that he could get over it if he wanted to.

But he obviously enjoys treating you like shit.

He's abusive.

I think he did go to the gay sauna because I think he went again a couple of months ago x I saw his location on find my iPhone and it was a gay sauna in London.

Thank you all. He says that I am the creator of his jealousy! I am to blame and I have created the monster.

He is accusing you of being unfaithful because he is. It's classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) technique used by abusers.

Your husband is abusive. This won't get better, he's been punishing you for 25 years for a teenage snog.

You really, really don't have to put up with this behaviour which is clearly abusive although you don't seem to have fully realised it from your post. He really has done a number on you to make you feel so guilty and responsible for his feelings. Can you get some counselling to help you get perspective on the situation? It will help you to move forward and make the changes necessary. You talk about others perceptions of this man and you need to be prepared for a possible backlash if you decide to leave. I had the same with my ex husband. Everyone saw him as the nice guy. He wasn't. Passive aggressive, controlling narcissist. I have no regrets about getting rid of the nasty piece of work and I am sure your life will improve immensely from untangling yourself. You deserve better.