Is DH mentally unwell or abusive?is this normal?!

[candymilk]

Hi I need some advice because I don't know what to think and I am so confused.

I have been with my DH for 25 years - we've had our ups and downs - when we first got together I was very young things were great and then they weren't. I stupidly and wrongly kissed someone else and confessed to my DH who was my BF at the time. He was angry and hurt but we got back together and life continued we got married and now have two early teens.

However this incident (me kissing someone else) has come up a lot over the years (he brings it up) and when it does I have to endure massive abuse from my DH - shouting, slamming doors, him walking out, intense questioning, interrogation late into the night about every little detail, sometimes breaking my things, insults, character assassination- for days, sometimes weeks and once 4 months al the while I am crying and shaking wreck when this happens. This happens about every 6 months to a year and I am being ground down with it!

I have apologised over and over again and I feel I have spent the last 25 years showing how committed I am and how much I love him. About 15 years ago he split up with me because he has met someone else (because he want getting enough attention from me) but he says nothing happened and decided he wanted me. We were apart for 6 weeks and I have to believe him that nothing happened.

We are in the middle of a crisis now. I have started a new job and he is accusing me of 'slutting around' at work. He won't let me sleep in our bed - am in spare room - and he looks tortured. I am getting the shouting, the insults etc.

I don't know what to do. He gets very jealous even if I speak to men and I am so miserable and so is he.

I understand that he is hurting but his reaction to it is so raw like it happened this week and not 25 years ago. He also needs a lot of attention from women when he is like this (friends etc) and will go out with some of his female friends to help his boost his ego.

He wonders why I don't really want to have sex with him! I've told him women aren't normally turned on by men who treat them like shit and are angry and shouting.

I feel awful because he says I have ruined his life and caused his a fatal emotional injury from which he will never recover. I feel so guilty but also struggling to understand.

Anyway he is seeing a counsellor next week.

But I suppose what I am asking is do you think that this is a normal response and behaviour and what would you do!

Thank you

Ah please don't do that towel! This is my life and it is utter shit.

He gave you gonorrhoea? Where is your anger? He's an Abu is everything, sexually incontinent pig.

Can you, would you leave?

You've been groomed by an abusive husband. No wonder your head's a mess!

It's great that he's getting counselling but you surely need to get divorced too? Where's your self-respect? What are your dc learning from seeing him do this/you accept this?

Please look at @fedupofitnow123 and her posts. She has escaped worse than you - and you are already deep in abusive shit to the point you really need to get now NOW.

Please don't try and justify him, or placate him, and please make plans to leave. He IS ABUSIVE. No excuses, no reasons, no justifications, no minimising. ABUSIVE.

LEAVE HIM for your children's sake - what on earth do you think their adult relationships are going to be like if they don't have a strong influence like you? I'm sorry if that sounds emotionally blackmailing, but it's the reality.

He is abusive. You need to leave. Now. For your children.

(And if you read the posts from the poster I've mentioned, you'll see that a poor 8 year old DC realised more quickly than anyone else did how damaging his dad's behaviour has been. Don't let that be your children).

This is one of the most frustrating posts I have read on here. How dare he blame you for his abusive behaviour? How fucking dare he? He is a nasty, abusive, unfaithful shit who has infected you with an STD and he thinks he has the right to be angry with you? OP, get yourself some counselling and find the strength to end this marriage. Stop letting him lay the blame on you for his own inadequacies. He has a very twisted mind and you shouldn’t suffer because of it.

Oh dear, so you snogged someone once, at the very beginning, and now he’s gay and IT’S YOUR FAULT!

God, what an absolute cuntcrumpet.

Please either throw him out or leave!

Hugs, what a nightmare for you.

OP you are being abused and this man is dangerous to you.

I'd like to recommend a book called "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist : how to end the drama and get on with life." Even if you don't think your DH specifically has NPD or BPD, the book is tremendously useful in analyzing the kind of dysfunctional relationship that one inevitably has with these kinds of people AND what personality characteristics of your own might be contributing to keeping you trapped there.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I realize you might not have the time or privacy to read a book like this. Can you call Women's Aid and talk to them?

Oh my god he sounds horrendous! You kissed someone else 25 years ago and that's worse than him having a blow job in a gay sauna and giving you gonorrhea!!! Wtaf!!! If one of your friends told you this was happening to them what would you say? Take a step back and think about it. I really think you need to chuck him out. You'd be so much happier without him.

Wtf.

Oh OP, he's so deluded he's laughable. You kissed someone else 25 years ago when you were just dating, and he therefore believes you're responsible for him going to a gay sauna and getting a blow job.

Leave this joke of a man. You are not responsible for any of his behaviour. He's nutty.

He says it is all your fault, that you created the monster?

Just wow. Leave the bastard, and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he tells the dc that you cheated on him, then you will tell them he goes to gay saunas for blow jobs.

Can you actually catch Gonorhea from someone giving you a BJ? Seems unlikely to be just that.

If you hadnt made that mistake which has been such a joy for him to use all these years, I wonder what other thing he would have found ... maybe money, definitely sex.

I think it would be good for you too to see the Counsellor but on your own.

I agree that he would have found something else.

I mean if it hurt so bad he should have left, not stayed & used it as a stick.

Yes I think he cheats and then makes it all about you

As others have said, it has nothing to do with the kiss. He just uses that as a way of controlling and abusing you.

Abusers use this to get abuse victims stuck in a cyclone of trying to prove their love/loyalty. Thinking if they just find the correct way of demonstrating this, their partner will trust them. The fact is, it has nothing to do with your actions: He doesn't want to trust you. He wants to abuse you.

He may not even truly believe you are cheating, he just wants you to be too caught up in trying to prove yourself that you don't look at what HE is up to.

Perhaps he is cheating (they project their own bad qualities and activities on to others). Or perhaps he brings it up when you seem little too happy/free/have just achieved something ect... Or, just because.

He is nasty and abusive. Run for the hills.

The think is OP that being an emotionally abusive dick and being mentally ill are not mutually exclusive.

He can and IS both.
The difference is that he could get help for the latter but has made no attempt in 25 years... we all have a responsibility to look after our mental health. It's not a free pass to being an utter knob by treating you like shit for HIS issues.
He DOES need mental health help as he sounds like he has some symptoms compatible with Paranoid Schizophrenia or at the very least Histrionic Personality Disorder. Both of which will require Psychiatric Intervention not just a bit of counselling..

You need to leave him, keep yourself and DCs safe and encourage him to get help. What YOU need now is some focus on YOU and help to get over such a long long trauma.

What plans have you made so far to leave? You've been thinking about it a lot haven't you? Maybe you feel utter panic when you think on it and don't proceed. Is that how it goes?

What absolute bollocks, it has NOTHING to do with the kiss. He is using this as an excuse for treating you as a punching bag. He sounds mentally ill to me.
A normal person does not behave like this over a stupid kiss.
You should leave him before he seriously ruins your life.
My first husband did this, very similar situation and quite honestly I had no option but to leave.
He has taken one tiny incident and used it as a stick to beat you with for 25 years. You must see this isn't normal.
Don't waste any more of your life on him.
I can't believe he expects you to have sex with him after he's treated you like this for so long.
What an absolute bastard.

And yes of course he wants you. Nobody else would put up with his controlling abusive shit. I feel sorry for your kids.

You deserve better than this, you only have one life. It's not normal, it's horrible.

He's a nasty piece of shit who doesn't deserve you. Please think about leaving him, you don't need him.

Stop wondering about his motivation and mental health. What about yours? Your mental health can't be good if you tolerate this behaviour from him. So, what's your issue? Are you going to go for therapy? You can change your own behaviour. You can't change his. So get help with your own peculiar decision-making, i.e. staying with such an utter thundercunt and hiding his twattery from people who love you.

How old are the children?

You sound scared. Start making enquiries at Women's Aid about how to keep yourself self. Can you disclose everything to your brothers and take the kids and go there?

You must leave for your own sanity and to protect your children from experiencing any more of this abuse.

Safe