Am I in the wrong?

[teardropsfall]

My husband leaves his job in a few weeks. He had an emotional affair and kiss with woman there. All over now and back to normal working relationship.
Very difficult for me to deal with , especially as they are still working together.
Now he tells me that he will still have to take calls from her and others if and when they need advice. I said I would prefer if this didn't happen and he said I was been difficult,
On the one hand I can see why she needs to contact him, and I wouldn't have a problem if they hadn't had the relationship.
I suggested she contacts other professionals for help but he said he knows and obvious to ask him.
We have disagreed about this and he just goes on at me saying" I've told you it's over" and that I need to accept it.
I in turn feel frustrated, angry and upset but he just doesn't understand and makes me feel in the wrong.
Obviously glad he is leaving but it has been a very difficult time and a lot of pain and tears. I'm still struggling with it all and other stuff. he is desperate to move on and for me to forget.

I doubt she will contact him.
Sounds as if he views himself as indispensible, people rarely are. The world keeps turning after they leave and she should be long gone IF there is nothing going on.

You’re not the one in the wrong here

He's made it clear he's going to take the calls so no point in arguing over who is right or wrong.

Do you trust him to not rekindle anything? Is that's what's behind your request?

He isn't desperate at all. He's keeping lines of communication open, and softening you up to accept it.

Sorry, I wouldn't trust him at all. Of course she could contact someone else. His bullsh1t is a great cover to carry on.

Do you mean take calls for these last few weeks, or after that?

Your husband is talking utter bullshit. If he no longer works there, there is NO REASON his former colleagues need to consult with him.

He is just laying the groundwork for still being involved with the other woman. Don't be a fool.

You know he's completely in the wrong but he's painting himself as the wronged one here.

He's had the affair. Emotional affairs can be very, very intense. Now he can't see why the OW can't phone him up, though she could easily phone other people?

He hasn't done enough to try to win you back, has he? In fact it doesn't sound as though he's done anything to win you back. It sounds like a "put up and shut up" situation.

he just doesn't understand of course he does, he just couldn't care less and wants you to just shut up and let him brazenly carry on chatting to his OW. Also a good pre-prepped excuse for any comms you might find on his phone from her.

Sorry if not clear. What I mean is that he intends to take calls after he has left and he said for as long as it takes (when I asked him for how long?) He is in a managerial position and she is taking over his role. He says he will be giving professional advice. I wouldn't have a problem if the situation between the two of them hadn't happened. I suggested she could speak to other such professionals for advice. He says I'm being difficult about it. Previously though he said things like "when I leave that's it" and "they will have to get on with it". The whole fallout between us has been awful and I still haven't got over it properly ( and other stuff). He is frustrated that I can't move on and " keep looking backwards" as he puts it!

Can I ask of you, to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

If you had kissed a guy while he was at work... got caught...Then expected him to be ok with you still keeping contact with the man you had kissed? What kind of excuse would he accept in that scenario?

He is in the wrong here.

HE had the EA, kisses her & whatever else.

Tell him you are not being difficult, YOU are trying to protect your marriage, something he has failed at.

Tell him it’s not YOUR fault he had the EA, it’s HIS & you’re not going to be a doormat while he keeps getting his Ego bourses by her ‘needing’ him She wouldn’t have been employed to do the job if she couldn’t - it’s up to her to source other help if she needs it HIS ‘professional advice’ is not required.

Be strong. HE ducked up, not you. HE needs to be doing his upmost to rebuild your trust & your relationship, but he’s not. Ask yourself if your marriage is still something you want. It’s never too late to say ‘I’m done’.

He is frustrated that I can't move on and " keep looking backwards" as he puts it!

It's all about him, isn't it? He's not putting it all behind him but expects you to move on as if nothing happened and to be happy they'll still be in contact. How confident can you be that it is all over? Him working elsewhere might make it easier for them to take up where they left off if both no longer in the same employ.

He sounds like an arse frankly and I imagine you are reassessing whether he is a prize worth fighting for and considering your options.

I know what you mean and I try to say such things to him. He just says "I've told you it's over." He has to be professional. He is doing for the "workplace and other people".
He says he cares about me and we have been trying to move on. But in honesty it has been difficult. It has nearly all been on his terms especially as regards keeping things smooth in the workplace.
There are other difficulties in our relationship mainly around the way he is and towards me. But he desperately wants me to forget and go forward promising me it will be ok.
I am so conflicted, trying to forgive and forget but not fully able to.
He always seems to protect her and hide stuff from her and I've had to deal with it all if you get me. I know he is leaving but he is doing so for other reasons too.
I'm concerned about what he will be like when he finishes. He even made a reference that he might still go on nights out with them!

Sorry I was answering Professorsillystuff but by the time I posted there were further comments. Hope it makes sense. And thank you everyone.

So basically, he cheated and yet, you're being made to feel like you should just 'get over it'. Even though he has done nothing to warrant forgiveness. He basically is making you into the baddy for daring to not just brush his infidelities aside.

Why are you trying to forgive someone who has basically been like 'f*ck you, get over it, i'm not changing anything about it, I don't have to do anything for you to forgive me, it's your problem and I don't care if you are now insecure'.

I know 'gaslighting' is a bit of a buzz word but I would say it is relevant here. He's made you into the bad guy and made you feel like you owe him just to forget his shitty behaviour and act like nothing happened. Messed up.

YANBU! I'm sorry but if the affair was truly over he would move on completely.
His having to answer her calls is just an excuse.
If you quit a job theres no obligations to be helpful towards the employees there surely?
These are excuses.
You are justified OP in feeling the way you do.
Do not accept what he tells you.
He has to earn back your trust.
Him wanting you to move on and forget is his way of trying to minimize the damage he has done.
Stand up for yourself OP.

You need to end your relationship with this cheat.

A big red flag for me would be the 'I may still go on nights out with them' as someone whose husband had an emotional affair and a flirt with someone at work (no physical contact that I'm aware of) he's not even mentioned work nights out as he knows the response that would get.

Once he is off the company's payroll then he no longer has any obligation to his former employer. He is looking for excuses to have his cake and eat it.

You know its bollocks. When I have gone into a role where the person who used to do it has left, I have turned to colleagues for help or advice

Not the person who used to do the job who has left.

OP, doesnt intend to cut contact with her and telling you, you will have to suck it up.

You won't fully get over it. Next job there might be someone else. Or still her. Who knows. You will always be wondering. So to stay, that's what you have to deal with. The new normal. Live with it or make sure plans to leave.

He should be doing everything he can to win back your love and trust. Not expecting you to just get over it.

Do you definitely want to stay with him?

Don't you have any other options but to cling to this arrogant cheat ?

He is vile! Of course he’s in the wrong. He’s leaving - he doesn’t have to have any contact. What a load of bullocks!