Am I in the wrong?

[teardropsfall]

My husband leaves his job in a few weeks. He had an emotional affair and kiss with woman there. All over now and back to normal working relationship.
Very difficult for me to deal with , especially as they are still working together.
Now he tells me that he will still have to take calls from her and others if and when they need advice. I said I would prefer if this didn't happen and he said I was been difficult,
On the one hand I can see why she needs to contact him, and I wouldn't have a problem if they hadn't had the relationship.
I suggested she contacts other professionals for help but he said he knows and obvious to ask him.
We have disagreed about this and he just goes on at me saying" I've told you it's over" and that I need to accept it.
I in turn feel frustrated, angry and upset but he just doesn't understand and makes me feel in the wrong.
Obviously glad he is leaving but it has been a very difficult time and a lot of pain and tears. I'm still struggling with it all and other stuff. he is desperate to move on and for me to forget.

From a male perspective here, he is talking bullshit. I left my last job 9 years ago, the person who took over my job had to "sink or swim", I didn't work for them and couldn't give a toss.

I've never had any communication with them since and never will. Personally, if I was you, take control back of this and give an ultimatum (yes, there are times this should be done):

1. He cuts all communication and moves on and if he's found communicating, number 2 kicks in.

1. He continues to communicate and the marriage is over.

It's easy to say the above, but really, I would do it. Trust me, when a man who thinks he is in control (I'm not one of those) is confronted with the above, they shit themselves because the decision is taken away from them.

You go for it!!

You really are completely under his thumb aren't you? Why are you putting up with all this utter bollocks? He has no respect for you whatsoever.

There is nothing professional about fielding calls from your replacement for advice (indeed for confidentiality reasons I would say it’s the exact opposite as is likely to involve company stuff he should not be privy to)

He isn’t over her op how can you move forward when he hasn’t let go.

I think it is over but your marriage

Just read all your replies and thank you.
Yes I do feel like the bad guy and I have been saying this for the last year or so through it all. He manages to me me feel like this. Every twist and turn of his answers and explanations and my sense of anxiety increasing. I am under his thumb and have been for years.
But I have had some counselling recently and I am a little stronger and now more able to say what I think and try and stand up to him. He doesn't always like it and it never really gets me anywhere. He will say sorry sometimes and soon after if I mention something and am looking for reassurance, he gets cross and impatient. He will say " here we go again.. how long is this going on for... it isn't healthy..." and so on. But as one of you said I am very insecure.
And I agree about no need to stay in contact "through work" but as usual I got nowhere with that and ended up feeling the bad guy again.
I have thought of leaving and these situations confirm my feelings.

And to philcornwall thank you for your perspective and I will try the ultimatum approach but I can almost hear what he's going to say.
I have to come on here MN to check am I being unreasonable in asking him not to communicate with her at work.

Don’t believe his lies. He just wants to keep contact and knows she will call him because she misses him and no doubt it will soon become “Oh we need to meet up for coffee/lunch/dinner/weekends away to help ease her into the position.

Say if he values you and your marriage he will cut ties when he leaves.

Reading through your posts I'm wondering if this may be helpful to you alongside the counselling: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He sounds very domineering. Which is not normal in a healthy relationship.

You're not the one at fault here. Nobody can move forward from an injury while the wound is raw and untreated. It needs to be dealt with first. Another person demanding that you "move on" at their pace doesn't change that (and I don't believe anyone can "move on" as if something never happened, you can only find ways to move forward with the new situation and the impact of how it's changed you/your life).

he is desperate to move on and for me to forget
He's a knob.
You will never ever forget what he has done.
That is something he needs to realise.
HE did this.
HE lost your trust by cheating.
Please get the Shirley Glass book - Not just friends and read it together.
He has no idea what you are going through.
He needs to at least try to understand.
Would he read this with you?
If not, then you are flogging a dead horse.
He can easily cut contact once he has left.
He does not need to take phone calls from her.
He is still trying to keep the contact going with her.
He is still invested.
Keep thinking of leaving.
What does separation look like?
Do you work?
How many DC do you have?

He's full of shit. I can understand if they still worked together but since he's leaving and has a few weeks to hand over the job then there is no need. I would honestly really reconsider whether to continue with this relationship. He doesn't sound sorry at all.

Oh OP set yourself free from this awful man who has zero respect or care for you.

Take a deep breath, find your inner strength

No contact at all with any of the employees

If he does, then it's over, completely.......

He can't have his cake and eat it

He's got a lot of making up to do

@teardropsfall

You are very welcome. No man should treat the person he says he loves in this way, it's inexcusable. I shudder at some of the things I read on here that men do and think it's acceptable.

Your phrasing is odd. It's all about you trying to change your behaviour so that he behaves differently. Of course changing how you react never really gets me anywhere. given that your definition of anywhere seems to mean him having a personality transplant.

He is how he is. You can either accept this treatment as being your life or leave him. Attempts to manipulate him into having a different personality will fail, as they have done. Attempts to manipulate your personality will fail, as they have done.

Its definitely not your fault! He needs to prove to you, not the other way around. If he cant prove that he wants you to you then he isnt fully into it. The only thing that may work if you leave him, he will realise hat he lost and he will then put in a shift to get you back. The phrase "you dont know what you lost until its gone" will hit him. Because you're still there he probably thinks he can carry on as normal and not change. You need to scare him if you still want him.

HE broke YOUR trust. You didn’t break anything.
Your trust is not his by right. Trust is earned. He broke it, he earns it back.
You have told what he needs to do to start to earn it back. He has to decide whether he wants to. If he doesn’t want to make the effort to rebuild the trust in your marriage then there is little point continuing.
It will not be possible for you to forgive him if he isn’t willing to prioritise your relationship by doing what you ask of him. Sorry isn’t just a word. It is something you demonstrate with action. If he just SAYS sorry then he’ll not actually sorry. He needs to DO sorry.
“Forgive and forget” is a bullshit phrase mostly thrown around by people like your husband who know they are in the wrong. Of course you won’t forget. People can’t make themselves forget things. You might be able to forgive, but not because he tells you that you need to. You’ll forgive him when you’re ready because he has earned your trust back. This is on him.

The only good thing here is that you found out! If you didn't find out it will still be going on maybe still is. EA are the worst to get over as long you are with him you will always be thinking what is he up to?who is he speaking to? He is not trust worthy to your mental health. I would end whatever relationship you have with him. He uses his professional job as an excuse to talk to her he doesn't need to speak to her.
1 did he build the business himself? If not there would be more management for advice for her to talk to.
2 Is he the only manager? If yes he must have a deputy leader /manager.
There are things to consider although I think he is putting the wool over your eyes and I think ever dig deeper or cut your losses and go.

He is a domineering man yes. And I don't feel my views are respected. He is very clever at making his point and I just cave in or give up. But I feel angry and resentful towards him because of the way he deals with stuff and shouts and swears at me.
I am thinking if leaving and most of children left home now.
The counsellor said I shouldn't have to keep modifying my behaviour and words around him but that is what I often do.
The forgive and forget part is so difficult.
In terms of his job she is the deputy manager and will take over as main manager from him when he leaves. Sorry I can't explain too much in case I say too much. And I'm sorry to say that she got to that position very quickly and with a lot of help from him if you get me and it makes me mad. Definitely his favourite and had a crush on her for years and it developed and vice versa I presume.
The thing is I dont want to be mad, frustrated, depressed and such like as this isn't the real me. I want to escape from it all. I never thought it would be like this and I want it all to go away.

Hi OP

You are not being unreasonable at all.

His actions caused this. Your reaction is completely normal. Nobody would be so blasé about their partner still speaking to the person they cheated with. Noone. He is basically saying 'I've said it's over- now trust me!' when trust is the major thing that you're struggling with.

He is not showing any remorse or understanding about the consequences of his behaviour. Getting annoyed at you for not being over it already isn't going to help anything. It will take lots of time and work on his part to get back what you had, and he doesnt seem prepared to give either happily.

It can all go away. But he has to go away.

Don't waste your breath trying to talk with him or even giving him ultimatums. He will ALWAYS make you the bad guy.

I know 'narcissist' and 'gaslighting' have become buzz words on here but it sounds like they are relevant in this case.

He isn't a nice person and he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Infact, I'd say - he doesn't like you. Think about that. Look at the way he treats you. Wouldn't you agree?

And maybe you think 'but he begged me so much to just get over it' so he must care. But is that about caring about you? No,it's about controlling you.

Time to stand up for yourself - by walking away. Get off the Merry go round. Its the only way to stop going round in circles.

The bottom line is he paid lip service to breaking off all contact with her to keep you quiet. He doesn't see anything wrong with keeping contact with her because he doesn't feel he has to take your feelings into account. He does exactly what he wants. He's giving you nothing in the way of peace of mind because he just doesn't care about you. He's not shown any remorse. You bringing up the matter is an irritation in his 'me, me, me' world.

You now have the chance to quietly plan your own future and gather everything you need to ensure as far as possible that he doesn't stiff you financially should you decide to end your marriage. At least you know that you only have to think about yourself and your own needs now. His needs should be irrelevant to you. You can, if not happily, with a clear conscience consolidate your position.

He has done this kind of thing before ... saying he will do so and so and then changes his mind /does otherwise. For example, he said he would change the working environment so they would no longer share a room but this never happened. When I asked him why his answers varied from "You're asking the impossible/ I just said it to keep you quiet" and then "it's all over now and back to being work professionals." He also said he wouldnt get her a birthday present but then he did.
It is definitely over but he seems to want to keep it all ok with her and he says he has to because of work. But what about me? Yes he says sorry and says he leaving soon but the way he has dealt with it all is more to suit him and her.
And, as some of you have noted, it seems like he wants to keep the lines of communication open with her. I can never completely trust him again.

He bought her a birthday present? After you'd found out about it all? That to me is way beyond professional relationships and is very disrespectful to you

Why are you putting up with this?

I don't see any upsides to this life for you.

What is so amazing about your life that makes this crap worth tolerating?

Because it's actually really hard to get away. I have talked to him about it. I've nearly done it. He reels me back in. I am depressed. I'm weak. I don't know. But wish I could do it.

"It is definitely over"

No, it really isn't