Am I in the wrong?

[teardropsfall]

My husband leaves his job in a few weeks. He had an emotional affair and kiss with woman there. All over now and back to normal working relationship.
Very difficult for me to deal with , especially as they are still working together.
Now he tells me that he will still have to take calls from her and others if and when they need advice. I said I would prefer if this didn't happen and he said I was been difficult,
On the one hand I can see why she needs to contact him, and I wouldn't have a problem if they hadn't had the relationship.
I suggested she contacts other professionals for help but he said he knows and obvious to ask him.
We have disagreed about this and he just goes on at me saying" I've told you it's over" and that I need to accept it.
I in turn feel frustrated, angry and upset but he just doesn't understand and makes me feel in the wrong.
Obviously glad he is leaving but it has been a very difficult time and a lot of pain and tears. I'm still struggling with it all and other stuff. he is desperate to move on and for me to forget.

He shouts & swears at you? Even after being caught having an EA, he has the nerve to do this??

You say that when you say to him that you’ll leave he reels you back in

How about you don’t talk to him about leaving & actually leave instead? You’ve been together a long time & he isn’t going to change. You’re miserable & im
Sorry sweetheart he doesn’t care that you are xx all he cares about are his feelings. You need to decide what you want to do for YOU and sod him to be frank

Why do you talk to him about it? That's nuts. You want to leave but you know that if you talk to him about it he will bully you into not leaving. So don't talk to him about it. Just do it.

Of course you are depressed. You live with a lying cheating bully scumbag who openly disrespects you.

As others have said, you just gotta do it. Talking with him will never bring about a happy conclusion for you. As for feeling weak and depressed, a large part of that will lift once he is removed from your day to day life. Rip the bandaid off. Because you'll never be stronger than you are now (whilst with him).

He just says "I've told you it's over." He has to be professional. He is doing for the "workplace and other people".

Utter nonsense. It's nothing more than a flimsy excuse to keep up the relationship.

He seems to be doing a hell of a lot to protect the OW and help her out. How much has he been willing to do to protect you and help you out? Absolutely nothing by the sounds of it.

In these days of GDPR he should have no business being involved with anything to do with his previous workplace once he walks out on his last day. Most contracts I have had at work strictly forbid discussing anything to do with work with any outsiders and rightly so. If a totally new male had got his job or former male colleague been promoted would he have been bending over backwards and offering himself oncall 24/7 to help them out? Probably not. I think he's shown exactly where his loyalties lie.

He is the one who should be changing his behaviour, not you OP. You're not the cheat, he is. He has no right to treat you as he has been doing. He should be doing everything in his power to try to regain your trust, not nagging you to move on before you are ready. You may have forgiven but may never totally forget what he has done. He has changed your relationship and should if he is truly remorseful be accepting full responsibility for that change.

Sadly, it may be time to think about getting your ducks in a row and ridding yourself of this deluded asswipe once and for all. You deserve so much better for the rest of your life than a life spent feeling second best with him.

Take care

TBH he sounds incredibly arrogant and delusional. She has got what she wanted: a promotion. He is thinking that she will want to contact him? In his dreams!

Stupid fool has been played. The second he is out of the door she will be writing him out of her life.

He is a domineering man yes. And I don't feel my views are respected. He is very clever at making his point and I just cave in or give up. But I feel angry and resentful towards him because of the way he deals with stuff and shouts and swears at me.

His affair is neither here nor there. What you've written about his general behaviour towards you and how it makes you feel is enough to divorce him ten times over even if he hadn't also been having an affair.

OP, I have wondered about you and hoped that you have been gaining the strength necessary to leave this brutal narcissist.

You have previously mentioned this colleague OW in passing, but you believed that she was past history. Indeed, you were more concerned about his ex from years ago whom he has recently been messaging, sending poems, and occasionally meeting. With this new development, it appears that he has been keeping both OWs on the go. It is very telling that he has every intention of continued contact with the colleague.

As others have said, no matter how many OWs there are, his cruel and contemptuous treatment of you is beyond the pale. As a narcissist, he does not see you as a separate individual with dignity and boundaries, and he gets validation from belittling and abusing you. Nothing you say will convince him to change.

Please continue to work with your therapist to empower and free yourself.

Thank you everyone and some of the things you say I have thought about. I think tuttifrutti mentioned about how it would be innapproriate to discuss the workplace with her after he has left, giving advice and help as puts it. I wondered this too but if I say it to him he will no doubt come back with one of his answers and tell me off.
And thank you to msdoglady for remembering me. Yes there is all the other stuff I have posted about (I forgot to change my name). I have mentioned about all these issues before and I'm still stuck really.
The ow at work, the ex gf (which has now ended) .. but tbh the worst thing is the way he has treated me for years and the way he treated me through these recent situations. He goes through phases of being better but then reverts to type. I am more unhappy than ever and have given up. He asks if we can go forward and promises it will be ok but in my heart I've given up and don't want to do it anymore.
I am trying to gather strength and sort it all out.

There are two parts to this

1. How he treats you daily, that alone would give you reason to leave him.

2. His affair, how he is protecting the OW taking her feeling into account, but casing yours aside.

So all in all, I would put ducks in a row and leave him.

When I told him what "someone" said ....that it's not appropriate or necessary.....his answer was as I expected.
He told me I'm expecting the impossible, it's unrealistic, it would be unkind not to offer advice, he knows stuff after years of experience. I asked how long will it be for and he said "as long as it takes" and "for heavens sake.. might be just a few phone calls" and "what do you expect me to do?"(He always says that!). He tells me to "stop making trouble"
He really thinks it's all ok. He says he can see why I might be upset but reminds me that the thing between them is completely over and I need to be realistic. I am causing him stress and spoiling his last few weeks of work.

I am causing him stress and spoiling his last few weeks of work

Awwww diddums! he's been spoiling your entire life!

And do you tell him what you expect him to do? Cut contract and feel lucky he hasn’t had his balls crushed by something heavy.

If you’re anything like me op you won’t feel able to forgive and move on until he can see, feel and really own exactly what he has done and put you through.
Otherwise what’s stopping him doing it again?

What on earth was the point of that conversation with him? What did you hope to achieve? Was it that if you told him When I told him what "someone" said ....that it's not appropriate or necessary then he would suddenly go "My goodness, teardrops I hadn't thought of it like that but now you mention that someone not as shit as you has thought of it like this, well, I am stopping all my bad behaviours now instantly. You are the best."

Stop making it all about him. What is the stbx free life you want instead of this crap? Put your mental energy into building your new life.

Just b read more of the thread.
Op if you left him, all this shit he throws at you would be someone else’s problem.
He’s squashing the life it if you. Set yourself free. Let your children see you choose happiness.

I can see why you’re depressed. He’s a bag of hairy bollocks who really thinks he’s something special. I’m betting now she has his job she wont want to know him, but he has zero obligation to anyone at a company he has left.
I hope you can sort plans to leave. As to ‘whatdo you expect me to do?’ The answer is I expect you to prioritise your wife who you have hurt very badly and you seem to feel there should be no fallout from that. I expect you to leave your job and never speak to her again. I expect you to keep a promise to me else what is our marriage worth? Not bloody much!(and in your head you can add I hope you die miserable and alone because nobody thinks you’re as special as you do)

The Woman taking over his role, if at all professional In her job should be communicating with the next in line up the chain and her team.... NOT THE GUY WHO LEFT! Once you leave a firm, protocol dictates you do NOT discuss business with those that have left! Both this Woman and Your Partner are playing you for a fool or both are highly unsuited to managerial roles in any company! Seriously!

My god he’s such a manipulative cunt. You need to just end it for a chance to actually be happy.

Genuine question

What do you get out of this relationship?

I suppose for years I've tried and hoped for change but I know that's not going to happen now. If anything what has happened recently and counselling has made me finally realise. Call me an optimist or call me stupid.
Not completely sure how to answer what do I get out of the relationship but we have children and a comfortable lifestyle. Many years together and I feel quite stuck and lost as to how to actually leave. But I think about it all the time and imagine the peace and calm. I am also afraid of his reaction and how it will affect him.
Sometimes he says he's had enough and we should split. He says I'm not going to get over it and I'm holding us back and then I feel guilty.
I am tired of it all.

Timeisnotaline I actually said more or less what you suggested in answer to him saying "what do you expect me to do?" I asked him to do it for me and to show me commitment.
That was when he said I was asking the impossible and being unrealistic. He wants to help the place where he worked for so long. Sorry I can't really explain the job more clearly.

He says I'm obsessive about her and the job etc. I often ask him about the day and were they together. And I am feeling angry that she seems to have been shown favouritism by him over recent years. It hurts but I can't get over it. And I usually end up crying and then I'm emotional! I honestly thought that when he left that would be it and no more contact but now he says otherwise.
We just seem to view it all completely differently.

I'm so pleased you are having counselling (massively helped me) Could you discuss your thoughts about leaving him with your counsellor? Just talking about it practically could mean it feels like more of an option. I'd be furious in your position 😡

Thank you and yes, I have discussed this with the counsellor. She says I have to get stronger. But I have to make the final decision and act on it myself. I really don't know why I can't do it. But neither can I continue like this.