What is wrong with me? Or is it DH?

[Lornica]

NC for this.

Myself and my DH moved a year ago with our 2 DC to an area nearer my hometown. It's not that near and we had previously lived where he had grown up and loved.

I'm feeling so upset as tonight I asked if he minded that I take DD (3) out for the day with a friend from her pre school. He was very resentful and said 'what shall I do then, stay at home with DD (1) all day. It's fine for you.' He brought up the fact that I've taken a day off work to spend with my mum ( first time I've had alone with her all year), saying he doesn't get time with his friends and it's too expensive to travel back home.

I told him it was unfair to say that and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I can't enjoy my days now as I know he will be resenting it. He said it was fine for me, that it's easier for women to make new friends. I told him he could make more effort with the other dads locally, but he just dismissed them as twats and said he wasn't interested.

I feel like he resents if I ever get to do something without him getting to do something he wants to do. He went out a fair bit when I was pregnant and even stayed out all night once! I have suggested to him that he arranges to meet his friends in advance but he just doesn't bother. Tonight he just stalked off to bed and said 'are you staying down to have that glass of wine?' I told him I was ( as I was unloading the washing machine) and he said 'yeah, I expected you would' He's making a point as he has left his glass of wine tonight after so feels he can comment on me.

It's so tit for tat, I'm just tired of it all. He won't even feed our cat as he says she was my idea to get so I can take full care of her. She's so low maintenance! He's just making a point and I find it so immature.

Am I unreasonable or is his behaviour not normal? I stewed on it a bit and then I went upstairs and told him how he makes me feel uncomfortable if I do something he hasn't authorised me to do, and he said I was so changeable being annoyed all of a sudden and that 'this is why I don't want to kiss you sometimes'. That was like a punch to the stomach and I feel so upset now.

Yes there is something wrong with you, you have a severe case of Your DH Is A Twat

He's not very nice, is he?

Your 'D'H is a great big manchild.

What a raving twat he is!

I don’t even understand the wine comment

Presumably he had a say in moving house? You didn’t drag him there by his short and curlies?

He's in his early 40s! He won't relent at all even now. He just asked me whether I can see his point and keeps talking to me until I reply, saying I'm making things awkward by being upset!

He won’t feed the cat? What a nasty, odious little man.

OP you didn’t choose a partner well I’m afraid. Sometimes it’s hard to tell at first I know, but...he’s a dick, and that’s not going to change.

Keeps talking until you reply? He’s bullying you.

Say “stop bullying me. We will discuss this equally another time.”

@BrutusMcDogface We each had a glass of wine this eve and he made some heroic gesture of going to bed without his as he's so hard done by. He couldn't resist going up without pointedly saying that I'd be down making merry with my tiny wine! Just a way to belittle me I think!

@AtrociousCircumstance He says the cat was my idea so I can do all the caring. He's affectionate with her but all the boring bits are up to me as it was my choice.

He is awful, op. Selfish and awful. Staying out all night while you were pregnant?! No. Just awful. Didnt want to spend the day with his own child?! Thats awful in itself. How lazy he is!

Can you make plans not to spend your entire life with this dick?

Disney dad in the making this one

I think you need to tell him to stop riding your coattails. You are not his mummy. He needs to get himself a lifez

Very immature. Bloody transparently attempting a piss-poor version of manipulation.

Honestly, OP. Tell him that since he doesn't respect you, and actively dislikes you, that there is clearly no future for your relationship. He can move back to his mates, see his kids EOW and half holidays.

He's an utter arsehole.

The thing is he does make the kids happy and is a good dad. But if he thinks I'm getting an easier ride than him in any way (I.e. I get to go out when he doesn't) then he is really resentful, to the point that going to the supermarket in my own after the kids are in bed is an escape, though I need his permission for that and he always keeps an eye on them time I take. He always makes suggestions about times I should go out on my own with friend etc, but I ask him to leave it to me to arrange as I don't want to necessarily follow his plans for me to the letter, then he gets annoyed if I organise things myself.

What was he like before you moved?

@ohwheniknow We hasn't been parents for too long and had a lot more spare cash so it wasn't really an issue. Though he's never really liked me doing things without him or without running it past him. He always had to organise himself a day out if I had plans.

Fuck, that's controlling. Really controlling. I was still thinking maybe he was just an arse until that update.

That's neither normal nor acceptable.

If you can stomach it, look at the Freedom Programme. I think you'll find it familiar I'm sad to say.

@CalleighDoodle What's a Disney Dad?

You should have poured his wine into your glass and said yippee more for me!

Seriously though. You can't live like that.

He doesn't want to spend a day with his child so he's not a god dad. He's very very controlling and clearly sees you as a lesser being who should simply be a mummy 24/7 with no life of your own. He's not the boss of you OP although he wants to be.

It's one of those that's easy to get sucked into accepting because in the beginning he can dress up not letting you go out alone as being so caring and loving he can't bear to be apart from you (or worried for your safety). Or laying on the guilt about him being bored/lonely if you insist on going out, so you don't.

And then it deteriorates into this where he doesn't bother to conceal the fact it's about controlling you.

However it's done, you end up stressed and restricted.

He grudges his three year old the opportunity to socialise because it means you get to socialise too. Not a good dad.

@ohwheniknow He's always said it's because he enjoys spending time with me and wants us to do things together. Like an idiot I've always thought it was sweet in a way. Now I'm starting to thinks it's the bloody opposite!