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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with me? Or is it DH?

95 replies

Lornica · 26/11/2019 22:40

NC for this.

Myself and my DH moved a year ago with our 2 DC to an area nearer my hometown. It's not that near and we had previously lived where he had grown up and loved.

I'm feeling so upset as tonight I asked if he minded that I take DD (3) out for the day with a friend from her pre school. He was very resentful and said 'what shall I do then, stay at home with DD (1) all day. It's fine for you.' He brought up the fact that I've taken a day off work to spend with my mum ( first time I've had alone with her all year), saying he doesn't get time with his friends and it's too expensive to travel back home.

I told him it was unfair to say that and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I can't enjoy my days now as I know he will be resenting it. He said it was fine for me, that it's easier for women to make new friends. I told him he could make more effort with the other dads locally, but he just dismissed them as twats and said he wasn't interested.

I feel like he resents if I ever get to do something without him getting to do something he wants to do. He went out a fair bit when I was pregnant and even stayed out all night once! I have suggested to him that he arranges to meet his friends in advance but he just doesn't bother. Tonight he just stalked off to bed and said 'are you staying down to have that glass of wine?' I told him I was ( as I was unloading the washing machine) and he said 'yeah, I expected you would' He's making a point as he has left his glass of wine tonight after so feels he can comment on me.

It's so tit for tat, I'm just tired of it all. He won't even feed our cat as he says she was my idea to get so I can take full care of her. She's so low maintenance! He's just making a point and I find it so immature.

Am I unreasonable or is his behaviour not normal? I stewed on it a bit and then I went upstairs and told him how he makes me feel uncomfortable if I do something he hasn't authorised me to do, and he said I was so changeable being annoyed all of a sudden and that 'this is why I don't want to kiss you sometimes'. That was like a punch to the stomach and I feel so upset now.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 26/11/2019 23:08

Your eyes are now open wide. Good!

ohwheniknow · 26/11/2019 23:09

And I agree, engaging in controlling behaviour of this type is incompatible with being a "good dad".

Although I imagine telling yourself that makes this unpleasantness slightly easier to bear?

madcatladyforever · 26/11/2019 23:10

What an absolute controlling chump. I'd LTB quite honestly.

Original poster
Lornica · 26/11/2019 23:10

I'm tired and utterly pissed off now because he's basically spoilt 2 nice days out I had planned with his petulance. I'll be dreading his mood now as he'll be all sulky. What annoys me as well is the fact that the kids think he's the really fun one and I'm fun but a bit strict with them! I think he's used up all his strictness telling me what to do.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2019 23:12

Op does any of this ring any alarm bells? As your post did for me...

https://hullscb.proceduresonline.com/files/duluthpcc_wheel.pdf

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

ohwheniknow · 26/11/2019 23:12

He's always said it's because he enjoys spending time with me and wants us to do things together.

They all do, I'm afraid. If you do the Freedom Programme course you'll see it's literally textbook behaviour in controlling men.

You got taken in by it because it was designed to be convincing! It felt nice, right? You're not an idiot. He's been calculated and deliberate in how he targeted you and gradually tightened the net.

ohwheniknow · 26/11/2019 23:13

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 23:13

He's controlling and he doesn't really like you. His behaviour shows you this. Try to work out what is making you not see his behaviour even though you can describe it. Possibly it is too hard to face and you are hoping you're wrong, hoping it goes away?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 26/11/2019 23:13

Ignore his sulking. Don't give him headspace. Think about what YOU want your life to be in the future. Stuck with a joyless, controlling arse or.......

RhubarbTea · 26/11/2019 23:18

He sounds controlling, OP. My chest felt tight and I felt claustrophobic just reading your posts, about you escaping to the shops once the kids are in bed and him timing how long you take. Brrrrr!
No his behaviour isn't normal or kind. And good Dads do NOT treat their kids mum like this. Truly.

pog100 · 26/11/2019 23:18

You've got it, OP, now you need to act on it. You cannot live like this.

Original poster
Lornica · 26/11/2019 23:20

He's does have lots of good points and he's never been physical with me. He just gets stressed and likes things done his way. I don't even necessarily do them but I do worry about whether he'll be off with me. Ironically our friends would say that I'm the one that 'wears the trousers'. I'm definitely not backwards at coming forwards in lots of ways, but I just want him to love, respect and look after me as you do with someone you care about. I do believe he loves me but gets shitty when he's stressed and this is a particularly bad aspect of his character. I hate the fact that he tunes me when I go out. He says if I told him I'd be longer than he thought it wouldn't be an issue, but I don't want to constantly account for my time!

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 23:26

Stop justifying it, he's not ok because he's not physically abusive. I told myself the same thing before and it gradually got worse.

You sound conditioned to accept passive aggressive control rather than able to see the truth.

Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2019 23:28

he's never been physical with me. He just gets stressed and likes things done his way.

Coercion isn't just about physical abuse.

Original poster
Lornica · 26/11/2019 23:32

I'm sorry, I read so many threads where I can't understand why people can't see the truth, but I genuinely can't see him as anything but flawed in this way. We've been together for so long. I want him to understand that this behaviour is not on. I know I'll end up going to bed and then things will be as normal tmo though which doesn't make me happy.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 23:38

This isn't going to happen as it's not possible to wish someone stops behaving badly when they want to continue... "I want him to understand that this behaviour is not on."

Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2019 23:38

Ok so can you sit down calmly with him and lay out new ground rules that mean he doesn't get to control you?

Or will he then try to paint you as the one in the wrong?

When wrong-doers are confronted with their acts they show a pattern that can be abbreviated as DARVO This stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
The person thus deniess^ having committed the offence, attacks the accuser and reverses the roles, painting themself as the victim and their actual victim as the actual guilty party.
Two common types of denial are 'It didn't happen' and (if it cannot be denied) then 'It wasn't harmful'.

Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 23:41

It took me 9 years to face it and it was at the point where he was physical and had an affair, so although I'm posting tough messages it's only because I wish people had pushed me to see the truth earlier!

Giraffey1 · 26/11/2019 23:42

What? You have to ask his permission to go out to the supermarket after the children have gone to bed, and he keeps an eye on how long you are out? No, no, no, this is not the behaviour of a loving husband, but a controlling one!

Elieza · 26/11/2019 23:49

OP Disney dads are dads that just want all the fun stuff. They give presents and spoil the kid. Don’t parent properly more like being the kids friend rather than the responsible adult. Don’t tell them no. The kid therefore loves them as they are great. Meanwhile the mum picks up the pieces, does the wife work, all the boring behind the scenes stuff that have no glamour and the kids don’t appreciate her as they dont understand these things.
Or as id say “disnae dad”. Ie it’s Scots for “doesn’t” dad.
As he doesn’t do any of the stuff that needs to be done as he picks only the fun bits.

RamblinRosie · 26/11/2019 23:51

OP he’s not a partner, he’s a sulky little boy.

I’ll bet he threw his wine away so you couldn’t have it? If DH doesn’t drink his wine, he offers it to me.

Cats were originally my idea, DH does most of the feeding, happily cleans up sick if he finds it. He worries more about them than I do. I’m retired, he works from home, self employed, but when one of our cats had a bad abscess he insisted on driving us to the vet at 9am, I could easily have taken care of it, but he wanted to help.

He wants me to go out with friends, loves it when I get involved with the local street party organisation (which is mainly a bunch of women doing 30 mins organising, then 90 mins gossip and Prosecco).

Let me guess, he doesn’t do his fair share of the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. Does he pay his share of childcare costs when you work?

As he’s in his 40’s and your DCs are young, I’m guessing he’s a bit older and thinks he should be in charge.

He can’t stand for you to enjoy yourself.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Because it’ll only get worse. You only have one life...

MsMellivora · 27/11/2019 01:48

He is a massive arsehole and though it isn’t right nor justified was it a mutual agreement to move to near where your from because I fear he is punishing you for the house move.

AnotherEmma · 27/11/2019 07:38

"The thing is he does make the kids happy and is a good dad."

Abused women always say this shit.

Good fathers don't control the mothers of their children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2019 07:50

Lornica

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are in a coercive and controlled relationship with your so called husband who is akin to your jailer. His actions are based on power and control and he wants absolute over you and the kids. He is even being an arse towards the cat; another red flag here amongst many re him.

He will never understand that his behaviour towards you is not on; he feels entitled to act like this towards you. (I would think that his parents act similarly as well, so this is learnt behaviour).

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like you are now?.

BTW he is also emotionally harming his children by treating them "nice" whilst at the same time treating you as their mother with the absolute contempt (this will go onto further emotionally confuse them). He will certainly use DARVO on you if you at all challenge him verbally and make his own self out to be the victim.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you for instance want your DD to be treated like this by her husband as an adult, no you would not. But currently at least, you are showing your DC that this from him is still acceptable to you on some level.

He is NOT a good dad and besides which women in poor relationships as well often write such comments when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. I see these words from women in poor relationships time and time again. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You are absolutely being punished here by him for all and imaginary transgressions including this house move (which he also silently resents you for).

Do not let the sunken costs fallacy (I thought this when you wrote about being together for so long; did you also meet him say in your late teens?) further cloud your own judgment here. What you forget here is that the damage to you by him has already been done.

This is not going to get better either for you or for any children unfortunate enough to be also caught up in their dad's private war against you.

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