What is wrong with me? Or is it DH?

[Lornica]

NC for this.

Myself and my DH moved a year ago with our 2 DC to an area nearer my hometown. It's not that near and we had previously lived where he had grown up and loved.

I'm feeling so upset as tonight I asked if he minded that I take DD (3) out for the day with a friend from her pre school. He was very resentful and said 'what shall I do then, stay at home with DD (1) all day. It's fine for you.' He brought up the fact that I've taken a day off work to spend with my mum ( first time I've had alone with her all year), saying he doesn't get time with his friends and it's too expensive to travel back home.

I told him it was unfair to say that and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I can't enjoy my days now as I know he will be resenting it. He said it was fine for me, that it's easier for women to make new friends. I told him he could make more effort with the other dads locally, but he just dismissed them as twats and said he wasn't interested.

I feel like he resents if I ever get to do something without him getting to do something he wants to do. He went out a fair bit when I was pregnant and even stayed out all night once! I have suggested to him that he arranges to meet his friends in advance but he just doesn't bother. Tonight he just stalked off to bed and said 'are you staying down to have that glass of wine?' I told him I was ( as I was unloading the washing machine) and he said 'yeah, I expected you would' He's making a point as he has left his glass of wine tonight after so feels he can comment on me.

It's so tit for tat, I'm just tired of it all. He won't even feed our cat as he says she was my idea to get so I can take full care of her. She's so low maintenance! He's just making a point and I find it so immature.

Am I unreasonable or is his behaviour not normal? I stewed on it a bit and then I went upstairs and told him how he makes me feel uncomfortable if I do something he hasn't authorised me to do, and he said I was so changeable being annoyed all of a sudden and that 'this is why I don't want to kiss you sometimes'. That was like a punch to the stomach and I feel so upset now.

Plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are two invaluable organisations and they could help you no end.

He sounds unpleasant and petty at the very least. Refusing to feed the poor cat because you are going out for the day - he sounds pretty nasty tbh.

The question is do you want to live your life with such a pompous selfish misery guts.

OP, this is one of those threads where the poster can't see the truth. Only this time it's you.

In all the other threads you've read, the poster has exactly the same mindset as you where they can't see what's very obvious to everyone reading the thread.

Your partner is controlling and abusive. He is not a good dad.

How can you be married to such a nasty, pathetic twat? He's horrible. The fact that he begrudges you enjoying time with friends and family is very alarming.

There's nothing wrong with you, it's 100% him.

To give you a bit of perspective, my friend and I went to a Christmas market last week. DH had to work. When I got up I found he had left money out for me as he was worried I didn't have enough and he wanted me to have a good time. That's what a good man does.

You have to ask his permission to go to the supermarket?

Erm. What?

OP, please take your time reading all these messages, It's hard to see past your 'normal' at times like this.

Your DH sounds controlling, abusive, cruel to animals and goodness know what else.

He's abusive because he's trying to control you
When I go out, my dh says have fun
He doesn't time me or begrudge me having a good time

I'm a good bit older than you and have been married a very long time so I can say this-you're not ready to accept the truth about your husband but one day you will. Your husband's controlling nature will escalate to a point where you will feel trapped be it economically or emotionally or physically. You'll start seeing your children copying his behavior and talking to you with very little to no respect. Your children will think controlling behavior is normal. They'll grow up and be anxious and unsure of themselves and will need psychiatric help one day. They may resent you for not leaving him. OR you can leave the dysfunctional relationship in the past and show your kids what a strong woman does to take control of her destiny and her life. Leave him You all deserve better.

He sounds awful

Thanks for all your advice. I think I've painted him blacker than he is as he can be very kind. He would never harm the cat and would always feed her if I wasn't home, but given the chance he will pointedly leave it to me. I will sit him down to talk about how controlling he can be, as I'm fed up of being timed and sneaking off to do things like read when he thinks I should be doing something else.

All abusers can be very kind.

Why doesn’t he go back home for weekends say once or twice a month. It means he gets to see his friends and takes the pressure off. How far is it for him to go back?

"I will sit him down to talk about how controlling he can be"

Hmm. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. He's not going to listen to you, nod along and say "oh dear yes I see the error of my ways, how controlling I have been, I am sorry and I will change". He will most probably respond by gaslighting you with a bit of DARVO for good measure (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).

I advise you to read this:
Signs of emotional abuse
And "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Preferably before to attempt to challenge him.

*before to you attempt

I'm fed up of being timed and sneaking off to do things like read when he thinks I should be doing something else.

Why does HE get to decide what YOU, another adult, do? You have to sneak off to read because he thinks you should be skivvying instead? Is that what's happening?

He's controlling. If your dd told you her husband timed her at the supermarket and huffed if she was reading what would you think?

"He can be very kind" is kindness with strings attached.

Normal people, like you, look for the good in others and you are now feeling guilt and reflecting on whether you are being hard on him, again normal. It is not normal to control another person's time - whether that be in a shop or reading.

He has control issues, but you are unwittingly part of the pattern and trapped in it. Can you create a log to record the behaviour and look back at it over a month to take it in and decide your strategy to move against being controlled?

He times you when you go out?!! WTF?!

Drink his glass too obvs ;)

Kids love their parents whatever
It doesn't take much to make them happy but they way too young to see any nuances

But they will soon pick up on how miserable and eggshell walking you are and in long term that will impact

Imagine life without him

God he sounds awful. And I always say this on these threads but SO like my exh! They really follow a pattern and a script, these controlling men.

My doing anything nice with the kids at the weekend was always not on because I wasn’t then at his beck and call, and I wasn’t spending all my free time cleaning the house. And I dworked full time too and did more cleaning than him!

He once said to me “you haven’t got time for play dates”. Fucker.

He records your leisure time and tells you what you 'should' be doing? That's incredibly controlling. You need to call him on it and if he doesn't stop, you need to LTB.

He is controlling and emotionally abusive - you don't want to see it but it is true. Try ignoring his rules. Try singing around the house when he is sulking. Go to the shop without his permission.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can change things, you just need to accept there's a problem.

The problem is you are prepared to be treated like this. That's not, I repeat NOT OK, and he won't change. It's up to YOU to change your life, because he won't.