What is wrong with me? Or is it DH?

[Lornica]

NC for this.

Myself and my DH moved a year ago with our 2 DC to an area nearer my hometown. It's not that near and we had previously lived where he had grown up and loved.

I'm feeling so upset as tonight I asked if he minded that I take DD (3) out for the day with a friend from her pre school. He was very resentful and said 'what shall I do then, stay at home with DD (1) all day. It's fine for you.' He brought up the fact that I've taken a day off work to spend with my mum ( first time I've had alone with her all year), saying he doesn't get time with his friends and it's too expensive to travel back home.

I told him it was unfair to say that and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I can't enjoy my days now as I know he will be resenting it. He said it was fine for me, that it's easier for women to make new friends. I told him he could make more effort with the other dads locally, but he just dismissed them as twats and said he wasn't interested.

I feel like he resents if I ever get to do something without him getting to do something he wants to do. He went out a fair bit when I was pregnant and even stayed out all night once! I have suggested to him that he arranges to meet his friends in advance but he just doesn't bother. Tonight he just stalked off to bed and said 'are you staying down to have that glass of wine?' I told him I was ( as I was unloading the washing machine) and he said 'yeah, I expected you would' He's making a point as he has left his glass of wine tonight after so feels he can comment on me.

It's so tit for tat, I'm just tired of it all. He won't even feed our cat as he says she was my idea to get so I can take full care of her. She's so low maintenance! He's just making a point and I find it so immature.

Am I unreasonable or is his behaviour not normal? I stewed on it a bit and then I went upstairs and told him how he makes me feel uncomfortable if I do something he hasn't authorised me to do, and he said I was so changeable being annoyed all of a sudden and that 'this is why I don't want to kiss you sometimes'. That was like a punch to the stomach and I feel so upset now.

So after making a bit more effort, I asked DH tonight if he minded whether I met a friend for Sunday lunch. He pulled such a face and all but huffed. He said "on our Sunday" so I said I hardly go out and he's always said I should. He then said that he never gets to go out (he went out the other week with his friend back in his hometown but this doesn't count as it's so infrequent apparently and it's alright for me as I e made a friend where we live!). I said he was being unfair and a while later he gave a slight apology. I told him that his attitude made me feel uncomfortable about going out and he said I was twisting things and all he meant was that he worried about money. I told him that wasn't what he said but he again said I was twisting things and I had done something the other day that I'd never apologised for and at least he apologised. I can't keep up! Surely it's not that unusual to go out for lunch with a friend? I'm sure loads of couples do it. And of money is such a big issue then how come he went all the way to his hometown??!

This is gaslighting where he’s trying to confuse you- e.g. it’s about the money when you clearly remember it wasn’t the money that was his objection. He senses you feel a bit stronger about it than normal which is why he’s backtracked a bit while still trying to turn the tables on you. Please start living the way you want to live whether that’s supermarket shopping, play dates or seeing friends.

Do you think he realises he's doing it or is it just his thought process?

He's an absolute bellend. Selfish, mean, unkind - sounds like he doesn't like you at all.

And he's a controlling arse. Not normal behaviour at all.

He knows exactly what he's doing. It is deliberate and calculated.

Controlling you.

Have you re-read this thread?

I just don't understand why he would do it as he doesn't seem happy when we have these discussions, so what's the point for him?

I can't just go off and do my own thing in the evening. If I say I will go to the bedroom after dinner he'll say that one of the rooms needs tidying (and he won't tidy unless I am also). If the rooms are already tidy then he sulks that I'm not spending the evening with him like I don't want to spend time with him. Surely he only does that to want to spend time with me? Although the tidying annoys him. We have to watch something together as he gets annoyed if I'm on my phone or reading.

The point is to control you.

The sulks are manufactured anger to make you do what he wants.

He is getting exactly what he wants.

But what do these men get out of it? They just get off on controlling their wives?

Yes.

Some people get off on feeling powerful. Surely you've seen that play out elsewhere?

He sounds very immature pathetic idiot

Yes he is controlling and he's doing it because that's who he is - he has issues but you don't need to accept them. You shouldn't have to ask if he 'minds' if you meet a friend, in a normal healthy relationship shop you don't have to ask anyone's permission.
Have you had any other long term relationships other than this one? I'm
Just wondering if you have anything to compare this with as it's really not normal the way he's trying to control you.

It’s so frustrating reading the excuses you are making for him. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s making you miserable and you are here defending his behaviour.

I know because I had 10 years of this before I left and my life has been so much better and freer since.

You won’t change him and you’ll be here in 5 years telling the same stories and making the same excuses. It’s actually hard to read your posts because it’s obvious you won’t leave and this’ll continue to be your life. You deserve better.

Controlling you is akin to being your boss. It makes him feel like he is King of his castle and he relishes the feeling of dominion and power he has, no matter how small it really is in the grand scheme of things.

Ultimately, it stems from insecurity and the problem is very much with him, and not you. Your behaviour is entirely normal.

Jesus OP! That’s really bad. All your updates paint such a clear picture; lovely to everyone but you.

I’m glad you are finally realising that there is something seriously wrong here. Good luck OP.

Thank you everyone. He's just come to apologise and say it's him not me. His mother is one of the nastiest, controlling and selfish people I've ever met so I'm not surprised he's a bit fucked up by it.

Ironically, my previous boyfriend was hideously controlling and used to knock me about!

A friend of mine's ex behaved like this. Didn't like her going out more than him and would sulk about it. Then he started saying he thought he had depression and the only thing which helped it was for him to go out more with his colleagues (who were all young with no kids). She went out of her way to facilitate his social life and sacrificed hers in the hope it would make him
happy.

Sadly it has ended up with him prioritising his friends and social life over everything family related, getting them into debt as he overspent, and has treated my friend with more and more contempt as time has gone by. It all came to a head after a few unhappy years and he has now left. She now regrets facilitating his selfishness and demands and realises she should not have bent over backwards to make him happy.

Please OP, don't change anything you are doing, don't stop making plans and seeing your friends even if he makes it hard for you and tries to guilt trip you. You are not doing anything wrong here but he wants you to feel like you are. It won't end well. Call him out on his childish behaviour every time and don't respond to his moods.

Op, you have got used to being in an abusive relationship and you are minimising things.

I don’t think you need an ! when you mention your ex hitting you.

It’s not ironic at all that you have been in two abusive relationships - your radar for these men is obviously not working and you are happy to accept crappy behaviour instead of leaving a relationship.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme and read Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that?