Do you feel like you're being kept a secret?

[someblonde]

I do and here's why!

We've been together 3 years, a rocky start but the past 2 years have been wonderfully happy and stable.

I've never been one to put EVERYTHING on Facebook but do like to share photos of us together, and document our good times to share with friends and family when we go away, or have a particularly nice day out somewhere. He on the other hand, doesn't post me anywhere or anything about us.

In 3 years, I've appeared on his Instagram twice and his Facebook 4 times.

It's always hurt my feelings, as he'll post photos of days out to the football with his friends but won't share a photo of us out in Disneyland that I've paid for. He doesn't go out often and he isn't a lads lad either so it's not like he's so close to his friends that he feels he has to document these good times for everyone to see.

We're now nearly 5 months pregnant and have not yet announced it. Every time I mention it, he finds some new excuse to say no and a reason as to why we should wait. We own a house, pets, go on 4 holidays a year and live a lovely life of simple pleasures such as baking days, putting the tree up together, winter walks but it comes across as I'm one big secret that he doesn't want people to know about. It's starting to upset me as I want to shout from the roof tops that we're going to be parents and yet he wants to keep it a total secret. He won't even tag me in baby posts in case someone sees it, so private messages me them.

Am I right to feel like he's hiding me for a reason? I'm not a paranoid girlfriend but I'm starting to feel like there's a reason he wants to keep it all quiet. Such as, who doesn't he want to find out? Is it a coincidence that his ex who he was with for 5 years is now newly single? Or am I overthinking it? I just can't help but feel there is someone he doesn't want knowing and it's sending me into a rage if I'm being honest!!

Any advice from sane minded ladies appreciated thank you!

Ps I've talked to him and had this conversation a million times about how it makes me feel but still, nothing changes...

And stop thinking any other woman 'owes' you - if the man you are with strays, it's him, not the women, that you should blame.

I wouldn't blame the other women, unless she knew he had a partner. Then they're both awful people. I'd always be supportive of another women; I guess there's not many of us left!

Ps I've talked to him and had this conversation a million times about how it makes me feel but still, nothing changes...

Which include you expecting him to be different.

Like I said, OP, I use FB almost entirely for work-related dissemination of information and networking, so actually, the only friends I have also friended on FB are people who work in the field. None of my best friends are on there, apart from one who is working on a project with me -- anyone's spouse who was, for some reason, checking up on who I was, would not find me as a friend to their spouse. I use Instagram only as a way of showing DS's grandparents and aunts and uncles photos of him. It's a closed group with eight members. No friends.

I've been messaged before by worried partners and as a girls girl, I was so clear the girl had nothing to worry about. Why would a women be horrid to another women in distress? This is the problem these days; people have no respect for others or their relationships. Morals are so slack; it's a shame

Now you sound as if you are actually 80 with all that 'slack morals' stuff. You seem to have an untrustworthy partner you feel you need to check up on, but I can assure you that I am both happily-married and faithful, as are my male friends, and I would regard one of their wives messaging me to enquire about what I was talking to their husbands about, or for reassurance that I wasn't shagging them, as a gross intrusion into my privacy and also as pretty insulting.

If you don't trust your husband/boyfriend/significant other, take it up with him. If you can't raise it with him, and are instead messaging his female friends about what he's saying to them, you have a problem.

Looking at it, you'd think he was just chatting to his mates but when you found his most recents and his 'best friends' actually, they were all young, ditty girls still living with mum and dad.

^

Did I read this right?

@Gallivespian the way you use social media and the way he does and I do are all very different so can't really be compared can they.

I don't message other women without having reason to, and let me be very clear - I'd had the conversation with him prior to messaging these other girls. Quite frankly it doesn't matter how happy you claim to be in your relationship, if you were messaging someone's partner on a private channel and keeping it a secret from your partner and there's, like the situation I was in, then as the partner I'd expect answers from you as to what was so private about your conversation that you couldn't have via text or messenger? Why the need to be secretive. It turns out it was just simple conversation but ultimately wasn't the best thing he's ever done.

When I talk about morals and the lack of them, it doesn't mean I'm old fashioned for expecting others to have respect for others. Guess I was just brought up right to respect other people, their feelings, their belongings and their relationships.

Me and my partner have been together just over a year, got pregnant very quickly. I've appeared on his instagram once and he hasn't ever been on any of my social medias... neither of us are hiding anything we just are really content in our little bubble of happiness! No pregnancy announcement either!

I would sit him down tonight and have a long chat with him about it, sounds like one of my ex's n I felt like a secret for over 5 years.

My dh doesn't put anything about me on his social media. If I am honest his Instagram looks like he is a single dad. There are only photos of him and our dd.
He has finally put on Facebook he is married to me but never puts anything about me or us. I just don't put anything about him anymore. However, you have got to question all these loved up couples on Facebook and Instagram if their relationship is really what it makes out to be. I'd rather know that someone loved me by actions in real life then posting things online.

Yes but his actions are those of someone who is keeping their options open. It isn't about social media, it's about their relationship.

The fact that he does use social media and posts photographs of good times with his dog and mates shows he is willing to share his life in that way.You are a part of his life and have asked to be shown with him on that forum ,trust your instinct there IS a reason. My guess is that he is not cheating on you but wants to appear available so young girls hit on him,and he gets an ego boost. You yourself,say you want to be "shown off",why?To validate the relationship?For an ego boost?To warn other women off?

Definitely does sound like he wants to come across as single.

When I talk about morals and the lack of them, it doesn't mean I'm old fashioned for expecting others to have respect for others. Guess I was just brought up right to respect other people, their feelings, their belongings and their relationships.

I can assure you I come with the usual amount of 'respect' for other people. However, what I mean by that is 'respect for other people'. What you appear to mean is some highly gendered 'girl code' which involves not being in contact with male friends who are in relationships, or, if you must, be prepared to reassure their prying significant others that you are discussing the price of coal rather than your surreptitious trysts in the local Premier Inn.

I'm still not sure what you mean by 'secret' or a 'private channel' -- I don't expect anyone other than me to have access to any of my emails, WhatsApp etc, but then I can't imagine why they would want to.

@Gallivespian you don't seem to get what I'm trying to say, but you probably won't unless you've been in my situation. I hope you're never in this situation though so thanks for any advice anyway.

Girls code is just common decency with a fancy label. It doesn't mean not talking to other men or women with partners whilst you're in a relationship, it means not doing anything you wouldn't want to happen to you. Most of my friends are men, I spend 90% of my time with men, but I don't hide my messages, I don't message them inappropriately or at bizarre times; I don't hide my notifications and I make sure my messages could never be misconstrued by a wife who may be a little paranoid by shitty actions her partner may have done to her previously, intentionally or not intentionally.

My friend was in a relationship like this and felt strange he wasn't open about it on socials. She then got pregnant and there were a few posts on her side that included him which he didn't have a problem with but he never posted anything himself. Turns out he was on the dating sites chatting and meeting other women throughout their relationship and she found out when her baby was a few months old. It was awful but I had a gut feeling about him from the start.

You feel he's hiding it for a reason so go with your gut.

My ex used to do stuff like this

Turns out he was cheating on me

And the appearance of being single on social media made it easier to do so.

You two spent some time baking and he posted on FB with only a pic of the dog with a caption referring to baking with his good mate the dog, omitting you .... ????!!!!

Love - FFS. The guy wants to appear single to somebody - singular or plural.

Alongside everything else. I do t know what you sent ahead and tried for a baby with a man who's been acting this way; did you think it would make him change/ commit?

It's done now but seriously, I'd get your ducks in a row to be a single parent because there is something really didn't about the way he has acted and is still acting. It sounds like you're working v hard to tie down someone to a committed, serious relationship who doesn't want to be tied down (but is happy to keep you on side ms reliable/main chick (as opposed to side chick).

*why you went ahead

What are you plans once L.O is here ?
Do you have independent income and not need to rely on him in anyway ?

Have you or he mentioned marriage. If so - what is his reaction?

Personally, I would just announce your pregnancy as YOU wish to.. that should take care of his 'single and available' profile neatly !

Good luck with the conversation OP.

I do hope you get the clarity you need.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐
You don't sound old fashioned to me and your morals are definitely in the right place. It's very refreshing to know there are still some good people around.
Anyway aside from that and very importantly, I hope everything goes in the right direction for you tonight.

So what will happen when the baby is born? Will he announce the birth and post any pictures then or will he still give the appearance of being single?

Hmmm
My ex had lied to me repeatedly about, well, lots of women, but one in particular.
I got cross with him over her, and he deleted her on fb. After that he didn't go on fb- at all. I'm pretty sure he either wanted to punish me, or, he wanted it to look like he was completely off fb rather than that he deleted her.

The point I'm making is that sm is a way of presenting yourself. If someone is going out of their way to behave differently on social media then it is a cause for concern.

He wants to look single. Either to someone in particular or for dating apps.