How do I (gently) stop my best friend from criticising me all the time?

[Theflyingmole]

I’m new here :) but really need some advice about a long-term friendship please.

My best friend has been there for me through thick and thin these last few years and as I don’t have masses of close friends I really value her. But I’m no longer enjoying spending time with her as she’s constantly criticising me.

The things she criticises me about range from how much money I spend on my kids at Christmas (not that much at all, but she prides herself on being very unmaterialistic) to what I let and don’t let my kids do. She’ll even say things like ‘Oh I couldn’t live in your house because the front room is so dark.’ Not a massive deal, but I guess it all adds up to me feeling like a bit of a failure!

I also find that if I tell her something bad that my mum has done (lots 😬) she just tells me how amazing her mum is. If I tell her something good (like how good our sex life is at the moment 😊) she tells me that’s just because we’ve only been together a few years.

I usually respond to the criticism by justifying myself and explaining why I do something. It never turns into an argument because she just says ‘Oh wow’ to my response or something like that and we leave it as an ‘agree to disagree’ situation. But I feel got at. Every time we spend time together now I leave with an unpleasant feeling.

I want to stop the cycle of criticism-justification-disagreement-more justification and make her see what she’s doing. I genuinely think she doesn’t realise she’s doing it so much.

Has anyone got any ideas of what I could say when she does this to not only stop it dead but make her aware of what she’s doing? I desperately don’t want a confrontation as I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Thank you

I would ask her if she only hangs around you to feel better about herself, because her constant negative comparisons make you feel that way.

‘Ouch’ is a good riposte to a mean comment.

Let’s the person know they’ve hurt you without giving them any ammo to defend themselves with.

Hmm well. You could try just going silent every time she does it. Look at her but don’t say anything as though you are waiting for her to continue or explain herself.

“Oh I couldn’t live in your house, the front room is so dark.”
“.......”

This creates a situation whereby she will feel compelled to keep talking rather than the usual one of you jumping in with justifications, which actually only serve to encourage and validate her ‘observations’.

Just go silent. You are taken aback and YOU are waiting for the justification.

In the case of the snipe about the front room being dark, let her prattle on for a bit then eventually say, “I actually really love my house.”, and nothing more. Her rudeness will speak for itself...nothing to do with you.

I feel like that might be a bit confrontational. I don’t think that’s it at all either - I’ve been through a lot in the last few years but I’ve come through it and I’m doing really well.

If my life was a hot mess then I guess that could be a theory as to why she does it, but I’m really not!

She's not your friend.

Sorry, the above was in response to @justilou1
Haven’t got the hang of this yet!

Yes - keeping saying ouch and nothing more. She’d have to be as dense as a fence post not to realise how often she is being a bit mean. That’s a kind way to deal with it.

If it doesn’t work, you really need to tell her outright that it’s undermining your confidence.

@pictish yes this is great. I’m sick of having to justify myself to be honest, so to just stay silent might be a good option.

She is a kind person, so I know that as soon as she realises she’s doing it she will stop.

Thinking whether it will work when she criticises how I parent, because that’s the one that really makes me feel crap.

I would find a new friend. Just because someone has been around and helped you in the past doesn't mean they have to be in your life forever. Friendships like all relationships don't have to continue if one party (or both) aren't being treated well.

Maybe try saying something like "I don't know if you intend to, but I often feel like you're shooting me down and it makes me doubt our friendship."

If the talk goes OK, perhaps see how it goes, and should she do it again, point it out semi-jokingly as "bang bang she shot me down!" a couple of times, see if she makes more of an effort to be positive.

If not, she's not really a mate, she's a frenemy and best ditched or distanced.

She is not a kind person.

@Pinkarsedfly @FredaFrogspawn
If it’s an outright criticism ‘ouch’ is a good response. But often it’s slightly veiled, as in ‘Oh, I would always make my children do suchandsuch’ . The criticism is implied rather than explicit iyswim?

She's really not a good friend. A good friend supports you and adds something positive to your life. I cut out a long standing friend for very similar reasons, she would talk about her £300 handbag and her 4 holidays a year and her Nanny and her dog walker etc etc - this was at a time when she knew we were really hard up. She would also put me down about the way I live my life, we have quite a quiet life but we are happy this way, she would make little comments about it. In the end I realised every time I saw her I came away feeling crap about myself. Time to move on OP, there are better friends out there.

You could try "Well I hate your kitchen, but I've always been too polite to tell you so!"
You are trying to placate this person too much, sometimes a confrontation is the only way to get things sorted. There is an imbalance of power in this friendship, you need to take some control and even things up a bit, she knows you need her and she is patronising you.

Stop justifying yourself. Say "well I'm happy with my parenting decisions so let's agree to disagree" immediately so you skip the explanations bit.

Another good response to uninvited criticism is a baffled face followed by, “Sorry, I’m confused...what did I ask?”
This politely highlights the fact that the criticism has no context and is simply being offered up unbidden. This will also compel her to explain herself, to which you simply respond, “Okay” in that way that says ‘you are slagging me off for the sake of it’.

You can’t change what she says, just how you respond to it. Make her feel uncomfortable by refusing to validate it.

I always think that people who act like that are trying to boost their own self esteem. You say she has been really supportive and I'm sure she has been but maybe now that you are happier she has lost her position of being "caring friend to messed up friend" and is trying to chip away at your happiness so the balance is maintained. When you life was hard it made hers seem very good. I know I'm not explaining myself very well but I'm not quite awake yet. If you tell her something negative (mum thing) it boosts her feelings about herself but by saying something positive (sex thing) she feels she has to take you down a peg or two so you don't start getting above yourself...Kind of one upmanship.

“What did I ask?” is a brilliant response to having your parenting criticised for example...

It says, “I didn’t ask for your opinion so I don’t know why you’re giving it.”

I have made people blush with this one for years.

I guess I’m scared of losing her, as I only have a couple of really close friends. I don’t make friends that easily, so giving up on the relationship feels terrifying. I can’t just make a new one that easily.

I also wonder whether I’m just too sensitive to it (I’m a single mum so get a lot of unwanted ‘advice’ anyway), but what I do know is that it doesn’t feel nice.

magissa I think you’re on to something. She may not even being doing it deliberately but yes, there could be an element of maintaining the status quo whereby OP is ‘less than’ as that is an ego boost for her.

I would reduce time spent with her, and what information I shared with her.

And pull her up on “jellyfish” comments, every time. If she reacts, would say “I’ve noticed that you often criticise me. For example, X and Y (recent examples). When you say these things I feel sad and annoyed. So I’ve decided to let you know this, at the time, and would like you to stop”.

Friend 'oh you've painted your sitting room green'
'It's not green. It's cream'
'oh. It's a really funny colour. I've got some leftover peach (!!!) paint, I 'll bring it for you'
'No thank you. I don't want it.'
'Well, no need to to be like that!'. Strop.
She has no idea how offensive she can be, so insensitive, it's funny. She's a 'medium'. 'I'm a very spiritual person'.. Don't see a lot of her.

Does she have kids?

I’m writing that one down Pictish 👍

@Magissa yes I think you could be right. I think it’s subconscious, not deliberate, but it makes her feel good. I’m almost certain it’s about her and not me.

I’m actually a fairly self-assured person (I know this isn’t necessarily coming across here) and I am confident in what I do and why I do it. Sometimes I think that annoys her.

Maybe I’m just annoying!