How do I (gently) stop my best friend from criticising me all the time?

[Theflyingmole]

I’m new here :) but really need some advice about a long-term friendship please.

My best friend has been there for me through thick and thin these last few years and as I don’t have masses of close friends I really value her. But I’m no longer enjoying spending time with her as she’s constantly criticising me.

The things she criticises me about range from how much money I spend on my kids at Christmas (not that much at all, but she prides herself on being very unmaterialistic) to what I let and don’t let my kids do. She’ll even say things like ‘Oh I couldn’t live in your house because the front room is so dark.’ Not a massive deal, but I guess it all adds up to me feeling like a bit of a failure!

I also find that if I tell her something bad that my mum has done (lots 😬) she just tells me how amazing her mum is. If I tell her something good (like how good our sex life is at the moment 😊) she tells me that’s just because we’ve only been together a few years.

I usually respond to the criticism by justifying myself and explaining why I do something. It never turns into an argument because she just says ‘Oh wow’ to my response or something like that and we leave it as an ‘agree to disagree’ situation. But I feel got at. Every time we spend time together now I leave with an unpleasant feeling.

I want to stop the cycle of criticism-justification-disagreement-more justification and make her see what she’s doing. I genuinely think she doesn’t realise she’s doing it so much.

Has anyone got any ideas of what I could say when she does this to not only stop it dead but make her aware of what she’s doing? I desperately don’t want a confrontation as I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Thank you

I used to have a friend like this. She was great when we first met and we got a long really well. But at one point she started being more like this, constantly criticising me. I think it was partly jealousy, but also partly wanting to have control over me. She was always the more dominant one in the friendship, so when I found new friends and got more confidence I think she lost control over me a bit, and she felt insecure about it so it was just an impulse for her to criticise me and make me feel more powerless so she could keep control over me.

As it happens, I went through a really rough time after this (for reasons unrelated to her) and shared it with her. She then shared with me that she'd had a lot of rough times over the past few years that she'd not talked to anyone about (kind of partly explains why she was being shitty to me). We got a lot closer after that, and somehow along the way the constant criticisms wore off. We have a much better power balance in our friendship now, and neither of us is really the dominant one anymore. Turns out always being the dominant one (in other friendships as well as ours) was putting a lot of pressure on her and giving her a lot of stress and insecurity.
We've been friends years now, I'd now call her my closest friend.

So, you know, sometimes it can work out, but it will only work out well for you if she changes. You can't just learn to live with feeling shit. If she is a good person, you need to make it clear to her what she's doing, and that it hurts you. If it's just an impulse for her, she might not know how often she's doing it, and how it makes you feel. I think "ouch" or just going silent could work well.
Thing is, I think you want to prevent the criticism without wanting to push back and restore the power balance. Maybe friendships with power imbalances can work sometimes? but clearly your friend doesn't use her power for good (haha). It's not balanced friendship if you're walking on eggshells and you can't even tell her you're hurt for fear it will upset her, but she can say whatever she likes without even thinking. She sounds very insecure, and your friendship as it is right now is probably just exacerbating her insecurities and not giving her good coping mechanisms (putting down other people is a crap coping mechanism...). If you try to push back a little (even if just by going silent at appropriate moments) by helping her realise it's hurting you, hopefully it'll be better for both of you.

If you get to a point where she clearly knows how much she's hurting you, and she doesn't care or try to change her behaviour... it's not worth it. I think we're all radiators and drains at some points in our lives, and just because someone's a drain sometimes doesn't mean they can't be a good friend (if they're a drain all the time forever, it's different). But your friends should care about you, and you deserve better than wasting your energy on someone who doesn't.

@Batqueen
Yeah, my friend's family is like that... she finds it so weird to think that my mum never criticises me.
Personally my family never apologise. Had way too many long fall outs as a teenager because I didn't apologise after I'd hurt people - I didn't realise I was meant to!

Not that "I was brought up that way, so I'm allowed to make you feel like crap" is an excuse - if you were brought up that way and it's what you're used to, you have to be willing to change and learn new norms if you want people to actually want to be around you.

I grew up in a family with this kind of dynamic too. Especially my Mother. Nothing is so good that she can't find something negative to say about it. I notice sometimes her negativity starts coming out of my mouth, so I am really aware of it. If your friend is a good person, she should be able to stop this when she becomes aware of it, if she continues, then you have a decision to make about whether or not you want her in your life. But I would give her a chance first.

'Well as much as I love you, I'd never ask you to move in, you nutter!'

'Awww, really?' 'Awww'.

Don't ask her what question you'd asked, she'll think you're losing your faculties.

You've had a lot of good advice OP. I only have one comment. The sex thing is a big deal. If you're talking about your sex life to anyone other than your DH, your problem is not that you're "too sensitive" or "too nice". People who do this are not only disloyal (no matter what they're saying about it) but also annoying. It can only end in tears. If she does it too, you need to shut her down. Apart from anything else, it tells people that you couldn't be trusted to keep any confidence, no matter how personal.

A while ago I would have suggested saying nothing and letting there be an awkward silence but that's not always very affective.

These days I confront this kind of thing with total honesty but on a nice way. Like in a gently manner reply with: "oh, I find that a little bit hurtful. I really like the sitting room as it is" that way it's off your chest, you haven't been rude, it's not confrontational as your being gentle about it and it might hopefully make her think. More importantly, it helps with preventing your own feelings from festering.

My husband confided in his BFF about our sex life and I’m devastated. I feel totally betrayed. She used what he said as a weapon - she’s always made snide comments and she couldn’t help herself with this in her arsenal. I have always ignored her jabs, but this time it was too far. I have been with him for nearly twenty years and she has been part of my life for that long as well. I will never have her in my life again. He still believes that he can confide in whomever he wishes about anything he likes, but doesn’t understand that this lack of boundaries makes me question his emotional loyalty. Especially as he does not hold the damage done above his right to have these conversations.

@SalitaeDiscesa @justilou1
Thank you for your advice on this. But this isn’t what the thread was about and I wasn’t seeking advice on that issue. Nowhere have I said I provide intimate details of our sex life. Yes, we talk about sex occasionally, but so do many of my other friends and other women I know. It’s normal, and I stand by that. Sex is a natural part of human life - not a taboo subject. No one is being betrayed or talked about behind their back.

Maybe I should say ‘What did I ask?’ 😂

But for some reason I don’t want to lose this friendship. Loyalty I guess, and that I genuinely thought we’d be mucking around together forever
Sounds like you're trauma bonding......she fulfills an unmet need of yours and you can't let go of her no matter how abusive she is.

Have a read of this for some clarity
www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm

I think she was a lot more comfortable with the friendship dynamic when you were having a rough time and she was the supportive friend. Maybe you went to her for guidance and dont now or helping you helped her avoid something in her own life. Feeling needed can give our lives purpose.

Different friends can be valued for different things and aren't always good at everything or all phases of your life. Clubbing mates , good time friends, bad time supportive friends, mum friends, work friends, no nonsense friends, all nonsense friends.

Maybe you can speak to her in an honest way or change your reactions to discourage her. Eg your room is so dark. Oh. I like it that way. End of convo. Or maybe you need to drift away and spend more time with different friends.

She sounds a bit like my BFF who has advice on everything. The thing is that where my other friends suggest, she will fucking insist and argue with you when you say that's not a course you want to take.

She used to give me a long diatribe about missing a text from her (if, say, I was asleep when she texted - she was sure I must be lying in a bloodied heap, beaten senseless by the burglar who broke in while I was up a ladder changing a lightbulb while holding a boiling kettle and she said this every. single. time. till I pointed out that it was less to do with concern about me and more to with her controlling when we speak and that I wouldn't put up with a man behaving like that.

Oh thanks sooo much for the rant

She is a kind person

She doesn't sound very kind. She sounds like a bit of a cow, to be honest.

I had a very similar situation with my closest friend a few years ago. I felt like she criticised everything from my choice of nail varnish / restaurant to bigger issues like parenting. I backed away a little, and I can't remember if she asked, or if I broached the subject, but I ended up telling her examples of all the things she had said and done that had upset me and made me feel like she belittled me constantly. She was very upset that she had been upsetting me, and it took a few weeks to move on from it, but she made such a huge effort to not do it, and now she hasn't done it for ages. I'm so pleased I discussed it. I did it from the angle of that it upsets me and if she thinks so little of me and is so critical why does she actually want to be my friend.

Sounds like she's got used to you being in not a good place and she's there to 'rescue' you and feel better about her life. Now you're happier and in a good place it's maybe making her think that her life isn't so great and she feels bad/defensive/aggressive/the need to snip away at you and cut you back down to size.

I have a similar problem with a friend I have had since I was a kid. We have been mutually supportive in our lives and we have been very close. In the past 10 years she has had a major, life-destroying bereavement.

Since we were kids she has always been critical of me if I express any negative emotion. I told her her bully was horrible and she didn't deserve to be treated that way. She told me my bully had had a hard life and I was probably overreacting. That kind of thing. Since the bereavement this imbalance has gotten worse and she slaps me down over everything. I avoid telling her most things about my life. I spend ages thinking about how to respond to her in chats. My response always seems to make her angry or upset her. If I make a joke in our friend group chat, she will make it clear that she found it insensitive - any topic. Obviously I would never joke about a topic that was in any way related to her bereavement, but all topics have become sensitive. She ouches me constantly and I absolutely hate it. I did something stupid today - ouch. Heard a funny story from someone - ouch. Trouble at work - ouch. I'm starting to not want to communicate with her and even stopped messaging her for a few weeks. I have a theory that she is angry at the World and I have become a "safe" way for her to vent. It makes me really sad, because we were like sisters. I don't really want to lose that, but more and more it feels like she has contempt for me.