How do I (gently) stop my best friend from criticising me all the time?

[Theflyingmole]

I’m new here :) but really need some advice about a long-term friendship please.

My best friend has been there for me through thick and thin these last few years and as I don’t have masses of close friends I really value her. But I’m no longer enjoying spending time with her as she’s constantly criticising me.

The things she criticises me about range from how much money I spend on my kids at Christmas (not that much at all, but she prides herself on being very unmaterialistic) to what I let and don’t let my kids do. She’ll even say things like ‘Oh I couldn’t live in your house because the front room is so dark.’ Not a massive deal, but I guess it all adds up to me feeling like a bit of a failure!

I also find that if I tell her something bad that my mum has done (lots 😬) she just tells me how amazing her mum is. If I tell her something good (like how good our sex life is at the moment 😊) she tells me that’s just because we’ve only been together a few years.

I usually respond to the criticism by justifying myself and explaining why I do something. It never turns into an argument because she just says ‘Oh wow’ to my response or something like that and we leave it as an ‘agree to disagree’ situation. But I feel got at. Every time we spend time together now I leave with an unpleasant feeling.

I want to stop the cycle of criticism-justification-disagreement-more justification and make her see what she’s doing. I genuinely think she doesn’t realise she’s doing it so much.

Has anyone got any ideas of what I could say when she does this to not only stop it dead but make her aware of what she’s doing? I desperately don’t want a confrontation as I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Thank you

The first. Disingenuous...how did we get on to this subject?
Depending on the situation you can even have an amused air about it.

It simply highlights that they are offering you an opinion you patently didn’t ask for.

You could try the sarcastic method if you don’t like confrontation....

“Ah...what’s it like being perfect Debbie?? 😁” Usually brings someone down a notch.

Ah she used to love the power trip of you struggling and her being your saviour. Now it’s not like that anymore she’s trying to get it back by running you down. I have a friend like that - she’s snipey when things are going well for me. I tend to just laugh at her and say I don’t care. I know that what I really should do is what I’m going to advise you to do: sit her down and point out to her what she’s been doing (I won’t do this though because I once had a big bust-up with this friend, so I appreciate it’s difficult)

OP I have a df a bit like yours.

Somehow everything she had was better including her house e.g. my lounge is the size of your downstairs.

I did snap at her once as she commented on something personal
which may be outing and after that she is better

It's definitely to boost her own self esteem etc

I would always answer criticism of your house with something else positive.
Her "I could never live here, your living room is too dark."
You "Good job it's me who lives here then because I love it."

The criticism of your parenting is different. To be honest I would just raise my eyebrows or laugh at someone who said they would "make their daughter play with dolls" when they'd outgrown them. I'd probably just say "really, good luck with that!" Then laugh.

Try to answer her criticisms with another positive statement about whatever it is she's criticising.

I can't see the "what did I ask?" always working. If you said that to her she could well say "nothing, I'm just telling you how I would do it." It might leave you feeling even more unsure of how to assert yourself.

Op I'm like you. I couldn't envisage I'd hear myself saying anything too confrontational. That's why I really love the silence suggestion by @pictish. (Thanks for that one!) ..

What I would say about her criticism of a stage that her DC haven't even got to yet - I agree this drives me mad. How on earth can she comment. (She'll be one of the ones in a few years time claiming that she won't let her DCs on social media until they are 16- let's see how that works out for her when the time comes..) Anyway, in those instances I would say in a lighthearted way 'yes well let me know how you get on with that when is that age.

Overall though I agree with other people and I think you know too. Each and every one of these comments she makes speak volumes about how she feels about herself and her own life. If she was happy in herself, she would be able to find it in her to be a proper friend . I am a lone parent too and we need cheerleaders by our sides as it's bloody hard work.

Some friendships thrive when one of the friends (your friend in this case) feels like they are on top and winning at life and the other is less than or having a hard time . It allows them to feel superior. You say you have been through some struggles but now feel as if you are in a good place . I would suspect that her put downs have worsened since you have been on the up?

I use it on dh to deflect his unbidden ramblings about current affairs to which I am regularly subjected.
He’ll just turn to me and off he goes. Blah blah blah. He’s a bit self-centred and expects me to drop whatever I happen to be involved with or doing to indulge him, even though he hasn’t introduced the subject at all. It’s annoying and self-important.

“What did I ask?” (light and bemused)
Translation: stop bombarding with your pet subject of the day. I didn’t ask and nor am I interested.

It’s a polite way of shutting him the hell up.

I'd go with 'interesting', followed by swift (and obvious) change of subject.
Or you could go with a passive aggressive 'thank you' (and in your head add 'for your opinion'), followed by a swift and obvious change of subject.
Or, for when she really touches a nerve, or veers into being outright rude, 'aaanyway', (draw the word out), followed by a swift and obvious change of subject.
Or just leave a really obvious silence, followed by a subject change.
I use this technique with my rude, opinionated mil and it does seem to be working. She offers fewer unsolicited opinions and her rude comments no longer enrage me.

@Lemonsaretheonlyfruit thank you, that really resonated with me. Yes, it’s got worse recently, but I also think that’s coincided with a few other things that have happened with her. She’s definitely a less happy person than she was 3 or 4 years ago.

I do think it’s (subconsciously) to make her feel better. For example, my family is naturally fairly skinny but I do also make sure I eat healthily (apart from the cake 😬) She once told me I had an ‘extremely restricted diet’. Now that’s just not true! Very hard not to get into a cycle of justifying and correcting that. It also makes me wonder whether that’s what she tells other people (‘Theflyingmole is skinny because she hardly eats...’) and then it just feels so unfair.

You could do the smile and head tilt as if to say, 'I'm sorry for you'.

I have done this and sometimes add in a "Ahh"

I think the fact that you want to 'gently' let her down is part of the problem. You are too nice and she takes advantage to feel better about herself.

As I've got older, I've ditched the 'friends' who do that. And it leaves room and ebnergy in your life for friends who don;t. A (lovely) friend once told me people can basically be divided into two types: radiators and drains. Radiators make you feel positive about yourself and your life. You feel uplifted after being in their company. Drains suck your energy and self esteem. You need to recover after being with them. A drain friend is worse than no friend at all. Check how you feel overall after each meeting with her. If you feel down, lessen contact. If she asks why, tell her: I'm getting fed up of all the subtle put downs: my house is too dark, my kids have too much stuff etc. I don;t need that. I want to feel upbeat not down after we've met up and I don't. If she's a true friend she;ll apologise and be more sensitive. If as others have suggested, she needs this friendship to make herself feel better, she won't. But you're better off without her.

Alternatively you could try the Miranda Hart approach which is pretty direct but also a bit playful. Just say: Rude! when she says anything rude.

You say she’s been there for you through thick and thin . That’s great but she seems to have over invested in you as a friend . She must feel that you should be beholden to her to make constant carping criticisms . It’s lije death from a thousand cuts and it isn’t a mark of true friendship . She sounds as if she feels she’s perfect and that’s annoying . The balance in this friendship is unequal . You have nothing to lose telling her straight that you dislike the way things are going - ask her if there’s a reason - is she truly as happy with her lot as you think ? She seems to have felt «superior»to you as she’s given more support in the past but what about now ? Ask her .

Another thing you could try which is assertive but not aggressive, is to say with happy confidence: 'Yes, we're very different.' Meaning, your choices are as valid as hers and you don't make them because you are lesser than her but because you have different priorities and values.

That skinny comment would really annoy me too. If you are with others and she says something like that I would quickly dismiss it with a 'hardly' and a smile and move on. She sounds like hard work but I understand that it sometimes feels like having someone to do something with is better than feeling lonely. I know 'just going out and finding some more friends' isn't that easy.. but it might be worth just thinking about branching out a bit.

I joined a kind of pop choir thing locally about 8 years ago when I was newly my own. I met a lovely person there who just happened to start on the same night as me so we got sat next to each other. We only went to the choir for a year or so but we are really close friends now. We are both single and do loads of stuff together and we both support each other. Is there anything locally you might like to do?

Being open and assertive is not “confrontational” or any less “gentle” than being passive (or passive aggressive).

I don’t think your main worry is upsetting her because she clearly isn’t that bothered about upsetting you and don’t think you have the tread on egg shells as not to upset her because you don’t have many friends.

Call her out on it and ask her what her problem is. I’d be distancing myself from this person , she sounds like the type to talk behind your back and do you really want a back stabber as a friend regardless of how many years
You’ve been friends.

She’s not a friend

If you really think she is - would she show up in an emergency etc - then sit her down, calmly politely say “you constantly criticise me and I find upsetting. Please stop”.

OP you could be describing my friend here.
Like you, I’ve had a tough few years and she’s been a great support but I often feel like there’s a differing power imbalance between us.
She always tells me I have no boundaries with my children, I’m too soft on them, pretty much how to parent and not much compassion when I’m upset about something. Rather more about “I made this choice” bla bla bla.
I feel shameful, that I’m always doing something wrong. Like a child being told off by her parents.
I have pulled back slightly from our friendship. I don’t wish to have those in my life make me feel bad. Many of my other friends do not approach me this way as I have a lot of understanding for others situations, rather than judgement.

I did begin peacefully pulling her up on things. So when she would be talking to me about my “choices” and how I put myself in situations (50% of the time I hadn’t) I would say “from your understanding everyone has a choice, but what if that is unconscious to someone and they don’t know they do have choices?!”.
It makes her think and challenge her perception of her advise.
I do believe my friend comes from a good place but it’s also shaming and a friend shouldn’t make you feel that way x

I am known for being rather insolent / cheeky so I don't have any issue being jokey rude (have also been told often I am a radiator not a drain so must be pitching it right).

I remember that critical words are really about their deepest fears not about you. For exampe, you not eating much - that's her fear of being fat and her fear that she might have to eat nothing to be slim. That makes the response easier "Oh no, friend, I eat a wide variety of things, it's just a matter of portion control. Are you worried about your diet?"

I easily do the things listed in other posts like

"rude!"
"aaaaany way"
"interesting point of view"
"what an odd thing to say, are you OK?"
"If you say so"
"Good luck with that"
"courageous choice minister"
"You're so funny"

For some people it is a power game. They can only feel good when lording it over you. If you refuse to be their rescue project they get the hump. Dump them. Others are simply revealing their fears in a socially inept manner, the responses above are usually enough for them to notice their own behaviour and change it. Those friends are keepers.

I’m wondering why you value this friendship. She sounds awful. Even if you don’t have many friends I think quality is more important than quantity. I think we should all leave a visit with our friends with a smile on our face and if that friend is making you feel shit, then I would question whether she is really a true friend. She sounds like she’s putting you down to make herself feel better. You deserve better than this.

Love the pps 'ouch'.

"nevertheless" is also a useful one in these situations. Use as per 'ouch'.

I’d jokingly (with a little laugh) say:

“Have you ever got anything nice to say about me?!”

She really isn't a friend is she, I don't treat my friends like that.
I had a "friend" once who did this constantly because she was jealous of my life.
I showed her a lovely book my ex husband made me for my birthday and she deliberately put her cup of coffee on it leaving a coffee ring and didn't even apologise. The book was ruined.
In the end I had to let the friendship go and I wasn't getting anything from it and no longer enjoyed seeing her.

Maybe I’m just annoying

maybe I am just too sensitive!

You’re not annoying or too sensitive , you just have a friend who is used to being “ top dog” In your relationship. That might be because she has helped you when you are struggling in the past and is used to feeling superior or sorted. Or she might just like to put you down.

As you say she might not be aware she does it on one level, but she needs to be made aware.

Things like saying she would make her dd play with a visiting Younger child is a pretty direct criticism. it’s also rubbish for her child, who is not a performing seal, and whose feelings matter. She is however implying It’s a Good Thing , but to me that’s not good parenting.

I think you’ve been given plenty of ways to address it. but you do sound as if you want to carry on not having needs and walking on eggshells around her.

I really don’t like confrontation, and yet I’d be tempted to be more direct, and just neutrally say “ I feel quite criticised by that”, and just leave the ball in her court, no justification, no explanations. How you feel is good enough.
If you can’t be that direct then go with “ ouch” or one of the other suggestions. But above all stop justifying yourself to her.

You sound like you are doing a great job in your life, don’t fear losing her. She might go cold on you, she might step up, but either way you don’t need a nagging critical friend.