How do I (gently) stop my best friend from criticising me all the time?

[Theflyingmole]

I’m new here :) but really need some advice about a long-term friendship please.

My best friend has been there for me through thick and thin these last few years and as I don’t have masses of close friends I really value her. But I’m no longer enjoying spending time with her as she’s constantly criticising me.

The things she criticises me about range from how much money I spend on my kids at Christmas (not that much at all, but she prides herself on being very unmaterialistic) to what I let and don’t let my kids do. She’ll even say things like ‘Oh I couldn’t live in your house because the front room is so dark.’ Not a massive deal, but I guess it all adds up to me feeling like a bit of a failure!

I also find that if I tell her something bad that my mum has done (lots 😬) she just tells me how amazing her mum is. If I tell her something good (like how good our sex life is at the moment 😊) she tells me that’s just because we’ve only been together a few years.

I usually respond to the criticism by justifying myself and explaining why I do something. It never turns into an argument because she just says ‘Oh wow’ to my response or something like that and we leave it as an ‘agree to disagree’ situation. But I feel got at. Every time we spend time together now I leave with an unpleasant feeling.

I want to stop the cycle of criticism-justification-disagreement-more justification and make her see what she’s doing. I genuinely think she doesn’t realise she’s doing it so much.

Has anyone got any ideas of what I could say when she does this to not only stop it dead but make her aware of what she’s doing? I desperately don’t want a confrontation as I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Thank you

@longwayoff the fact she thinks she’s a medium should have told you all you need to know.

Oh, I would always make my children do suchandsuch That kind of thing might be more critical in your mind than it really is because of her other behaviour. These implied ones just tell you about herself. I'd either shrug and ignore or ask her to justify herself "Oh really, why's that?" Or "Bit unusual, why's that?" Anything that starts getting preachy can be shut down with "interesting to hear your opinion on that."

I would start working on broadening your social circle, so you're not so afraid of losing her, nor so affected by her opinions. Make some concerted efforts to get more of a social life going on, even if the people you get involved with are never going to be as close or have that history, it's good to have less dependence on one person.

@Longtalljosie yes she has kids. But they’re slightly younger than mine so I feel that sometimes she’s criticising a stage she hasn’t got to with hers.

For example, she says how sad it is that my eldest doesn’t play with dolls any more and doesn’t want to play with her children when we go over. She says she’d make her child do that. I feel like this is another veiled criticism, like she thinks I’m letting my daughter grow up too fast.

Oh, maybe I am just too sensitive!

It’s very effective. I got the tip from a friend of mine a long time ago and have used it to great effect many times. It works with virtually anyone...

Friend: “Oh I would always make my children do such and such....”
OP: “......”
Friend: “Well blah blah and blah blah because blah blah.”
OP: “What did I ask?”
Friend:

I understand the fear of losing her, but what is she adding to your life? You won't be able to move on until she's out of the picture. Yes you may be without friends for a while, this happened to me and its hard. And you will have to put yourself out there when you're ready, join some groups, make yourself chat to other mums, it will take time. But all the time you're stuck in this toxic relationship you'll never have a chance.

Losing a friendship is hard but friends don’t make you feel bad. They don’t belittle your choices or criticise you every time you see them.

When I think of my closest friends they never do any of those things, ever. And visa versa. And I don’t agree with everything they do (and I’m sure they feel the same about me) but I don’t criticise because that’s not what I’m there for! I would say if I thought they were making a terrible decision about something that would hurt them but that’s it. To me, that’s how real friendship works.

If she is a real friend then just say to her

‘Friend, you are being a little bit critical of me each time I see you at the moment, I just wondered, is everything alright with you?’

Turn it around on her. If she says everything is fine then you’ve planted a seed in her mind about her behaviour. If her criticism continues then I think you need to start looking for new friends.

One thing I will say is no-one wants to hear their friend bragging about their sex life so I’m with her on that one!

I know you say you have been through some shit together but she is not your friend OP.

You are far too 'nice' to her. She is feeding off that. She is a horrible person and you have to start seeing her for what she is, not what she is saying to you.

My sister treats me the same way, except she doesn't because I haven't been near her in fifteen years. She just can't help herself around me. My life improved no end when I made the decision to go NC with her.

One thing I will say is no-one wants to hear their friend bragging about their sex life so I’m with her on that one!
True! 😂😂

@ICantSweat Interestingly, my sister does it too.

I’m very sceptical about the concept of ‘real’ or ‘true’ friends. I don’t think there’s actually a defined criteria for such a thing...just those rare people you meet in life who you happen to be compatible with and keep with you for a long time.
Good friends, yes...true friends...bit of an artificial construct in my mind.
Compatible personalities make friendships, not performance evaluations.

“Don’t judge until yours go thorough this stage/are the same age.”

The “judge” might get her to explain yourself the way she’s making you explain yourself now. If she replies with “I wasn’t” go silent or say “ooookkkkaaay?” In a questioning confused tone, like suggested above.

I think any parental advice should be met with an eye roll from you. Or just a look like “here we go again with how she’d do it”

To stop it dead you just need to close the conversation like she does when she says wow. So you can either agree and close " Your living room is very dark" " It is a bit, anyway....." OR respond to what she's doing and close " Your living room is dark " " You're in a straight talking mood today, how are things with you...".

But I think you'll have to let go of your aim to 'make her see what she’s doing' .

Go to a mirror. Practise this face . And employ 'the silence' as detailed by Pictish.

If that doesn't work do all of the above and at the end of the uncomfortable silence say "Are you quite finished?"

If she's still giving you shit after that it is because she is determined to make you feel bad.

OP - I am going through a different phase in my life. Menopause. I have become rather direct as I have realized how many emotional vampires I have leeching off me. I have been “Mean Girlsed” this year and bullied by some long-standing “friends” and realized that all my energy was going to the wrong people. I am sorry if I sounded like a know it all.

I would just have lots of non committal answers and then change the subject immediately.

That's interesting. Change subject.

Quite. Change subject

Interesting point of view. Change subject.

Do it every time. Don't bite or respond to the criticism. My Mum's mantra was 'never explain, never justify.'

You are giving her far too much ammunition to turn back on you. And I agree about discussing your sex live with friends is over stepping boundaries. In fact, now that I think about it, lack of boundaries is maybe an issue you should think about? Do you think you are good in this regard?

Life is too short for a 'friend' like this.

Try asking her,

"Why would you say that?"

Switch the focus to her motives and make her think. Vary with "Why would you ask that?" for inappropriate questions.

I'd pick a non-confrontational phrase such as "well, different strokes for different folks" and repeat it every single time she criticises/disagrees with you.

At some point she'll probably complain to you that you keep saying it, at which point you can gently say "I don't really know what else to say when you disagree with me or criticise me".

It’s a difficult situation, one I’ve been in recently and I tried all the recommended tips and she just got worse
Does your friend have a way of getting information out of you that MI5 would be proud of?
Mine did and a her life is not going great and she was totally over invested in mine
Anyway things came to head she pushed it too far and I told her that’s it the friendship is over I don’t want to see you again. I really should have done it sooner it was like a weight lifted because her and her criticism took up so much head space

Some people like someone to disagree with and criticise

@Theflyingmole trust me, this woman is no friend

What would it take for YOU to treat someone like you the way she does?

I’m guessing you wouldn’t in a million years! So don’t put up with it.

Phase her out and practice the silences and what did i asks along the way

@NigellaAwesome This might be a bit weird, but I’ve never really understood what’s meant by boundaries. So I don’t know if I’ve got good ones, iyswim?

Re. the sex life, to put it in context this is something we’ve always discussed very frankly. She tells me about hers too (which is very good according to her). We’re very open in that regard so it’s pretty normal for us.

She may not be a horrible person in any sense...just a bit self unaware.
Those saying she’s no friend - they can’t say that as they don’t know her. To me it sounds like you are close and have shared a lot. She just needs gently directed into a new status quo whereby you’re not up for a critique every time you meet. Some of the techniques described here will do the job.

@pictish I'm interested in the "what did I ask" approach, I'm trying to hear myself saying it... for example if my sister rants some criticism and I'm silent she'll say "well aren't you going to say anything?!"

Now, do you say "what did I ask?" in a sort of disingenuous, "how did we get on to this conversation" sort of way? Or is it firmer than that - in which case I can only imagine myself sounding like a teacher talking to a pupil... How do you find it works?