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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is a nasty ####

78 replies

notanothershitday · 23/11/2019 15:03

I've been around for a while but couldn't sign in!!
Had to sign up again,
Don't know where to turn me and hubby argue and fight all the time, he won't except any of my family or grown up children from my previous relationship will sulk and not talk to me if he hears me talking on the phone to them, this goes on for days, one of my family popped in on Monday so I haven't been spoken to until today, his called me every name under the son with the usual fat c@@t frigid, waste of space pushed past me and raised his fist in my face, I'm getting over a cancer diagnosis and have had to do it without any support from him, finished chemotherapy in July and often get told he hopes I die,
I just don't feel like I can carry on, if I refuse sex I'm punished for it, I've asked him to leave and he's refusing to go and getting more and more angry with me so I'm upstairs out of the way,
Sorry for ranting just don't know we're to turn

OP posts:
sparkly40 · 23/11/2019 15:05

Is there any where you could go ? Have you sat him down and told him how this makes you feel is this normal behaviour for him.

Don't know if I could cope with sulking !

ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 15:08

He is abusing you.

You can turn to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

You can turn to the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can turn to the police - call 101 and tell them you need to speak to someone about coercive control. What he's doing is a crime.

If things escalate and you feel threatened or otherwise unsafe then call the police on 999.

all of these people would want to help you.

BecauseItIz · 23/11/2019 15:11

His behaviour towards you is disgusting. Could you go to a family members instead of upstairs?

PositiveVibez · 23/11/2019 15:18

There only one cunt round here and it's not you!!!

You need to get away from this bastard as soon as you can.

Can you go and stay with one of your kids?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 23/11/2019 15:20

You’re allowed to swear on here. And leave your husband.

Etinox · 23/11/2019 15:20

You’re hiding from him because you’re frightened of him when you asked him to leave?
I’d call the police tbh.

12345kbm · 23/11/2019 15:23

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer. I'm so so sorry that you are not getting the support that you desperately need from your partner who should be doing everything he possibly can for you. You must feel so unsupported and lonely.

I'm really sorry but I think you already know what you have to do here. You have to get away from him. It's going to take some strength but you really don't have a choice here as his behaviour is getting worse
and I'm afraid he might become physical.

Please get in contact with either Women's Aid or find your local Domestic Violence organisation and get some advice on what to do in your situation to remain safe while you work on how to get out of the relationship. There may be a way of getting him out of the property through an Occupation Order meaning you can have him removed but, since I don't know the details, I can't advise you on that. The best people to talk to and support you are Women's Aid or your local DV org who will be able to offer advice and guidance.

Well done for reaching out, it's so brave. If he threatens you or you feel frightened of what he might do, please dial 999 immediately. Please don't let him know that you have plans to leave.

You can find your nearest DV organisation here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Original poster
notanothershitday · 23/11/2019 15:27

Thank you for replying, I don't tell anyone how bad things have got, people have noticed when I've had marks on me but I try to cover it up, not sure what I'm so scared of, don't want to live like this any more, feel like I've been dragged through the gutter, he will put a massive act on in front of people and start on me afterwards, I'm blamed for everything and anything, anyone that's nice towards me he says there taking the piss out of me behind my back, he says that because I'm fat and ugly I don't deserve anyone to love,
Feel at breaking point

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 23/11/2019 15:30

You are being abused. Call the police if need be

12345kbm · 23/11/2019 15:33

Oh sweetheart! Is he already hitting you? I'm sorry, I thought he was threatening you, I didn't realise he was abusing you. It's not going to get better, it's going to get much, much worse.

You need to be around people who support you and cherish you, please get away from this man.

Do you have anywhere you can go today my love?

LemonPrism · 23/11/2019 15:34

It's all lies by the way, no ones making fun of you and you're not fat and ugly - he's just saying that to keep control of you

12345kbm · 23/11/2019 15:34

Sorry I mean physically abusing you, he is already abusing you in other ways.

Bananalanacake · 23/11/2019 15:34

It sounds as though you don't have kids together. Is it his house or jointly owned? Can you stay with your family.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 23/11/2019 15:36

My ex used to behave that way.

I collected evidence of my ex's coercive control, locked my ex out when he went out one day, he had left his key at home, I phoned the police and told them I was experiencing coercive control and when he turned up banging at the door and swore at them they didn't take kindly to it and they told him he could not return to the house.

The police and national domestic violence agency helped me get legal aid and I obtained an injunction to stop him returning to the property for six months. This was a better outcome for me as it meant I didn't have to go into a refuge and leave all my possessions behind. It was also more just and fair that I didn't have to leave as I'd done nothing wrong. I would not reccommend this course of action unless you can assure your safety however!

Original poster
notanothershitday · 23/11/2019 15:44

We have a teenager together who he says I would never get custody off because of my illness and it would be better if I died and left my home to them as I'm so useless and a waste on society,
In a way he's probably right, I just want to recover and live normally, I've asked him to leave and his even more angry, can't control my tears today
I just want to go to sleep, I'm not allowed to rest as it means I'm a lazy c@@t, wasn't allowed to rest after my operation and treatment

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 23/11/2019 15:49

You really need to leave, surely you cant go in like this

12345kbm · 23/11/2019 15:53

You really need to get help and support OP. Can you get out of the house and call a Domestic Violence organisation? They will do a risk assessment for you and your child and give you advice on what to do next. Like I said, if he threatens you please call the police immediately you and your child are not safe with him.

You are worthy of respect and love. No one has the right to talk to you like this. Please take the advice you have been given and call a DV organisation now.

crappyday2018 · 23/11/2019 16:10

OMG this is fucking awful. It actually made me want to cry. This man is a disgusting human being. You've been through an horrific time with your illness and you deserve to be looked after and cared for.

What is your living situation? Do you own or rent? Either way, if he refuses to leave, is there somewhere you can go? You need to tell family/friends what is going on straight away.

Please get away from this man, he is vile and you do NOT deserve this.

Tighnabruaich · 23/11/2019 16:15

As others say, is there nowhere else you can go - family, friends?

You need to leave this awful excuse for a man.

Everything else can be sorted out later, but your physical and mental well-being come first. Could you leave while he was out?

Please, please, do seriously consider it.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/11/2019 16:20

Oh Love! You do NOT deserve this.

I know it's hard, but think of ONE person you can call for support; parent, sibling, relative, friend. It's pretty par for the course for an abusive man to alienate your family from you, to isolate you from support. So even if you haven't spoken to that person for ages, call anyway.

Call that person, tell them the absolute, unvarnished truth. Ask for help. Even if all they can do is make phone calls on your behalf and give you a shoulder to cry on, that's still better than what you have now. If they are able to give you a place to stay then run, don't walk to them.

How old is your teen and what is your relationship like with him/her?

ChristmasFluff · 23/11/2019 17:25

They ALWAYS say that shite about the kids - don't believe him. Illness does not mean you are not a parent, and better an ill parent than an abusive one.

Call Women's Aid, call the Police if you need, and most of all divorce this complete waste of skin.

This will only ever get worse. Get out ASAP - he should be ashamed of himself, nasty bastard that he is.

Quartz2208 · 23/11/2019 18:50

You say leave your home so it is your house

If so police and get him out

category12 · 23/11/2019 18:56

Would your family help you leave him?

Speak to Women's Aid also. They've got an online chat service now as well.

Treesthemovie · 23/11/2019 19:02

He is revolting! Didn't let you recover after chemotherapy? And he calls you the waste of space? Angry what a vile person

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2019 19:04

Is it your house?

Can you see a solicitor?

It may not be that easy to get him out, but you need to leave him,

Can you get some real life support?

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