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Original poster

Would this bother you?

96 replies

FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 13:44

I’ve been dating bf for about 4 months now and he has been utterly lovely, welcomed me into his life, introduced me to his friends etc etc.

He’s also done things like buying me slippers and a dressing gown to keep at his, encouraged me to leave toiletries so I don’t have to carry so much when I stay over and due to him working late hours given me a key so I can let myself in and have dinner instead of waiting around for him to finish work.

After some horrendous dating experiences with other guys this feels so lovely and while he’s not an emotional man and would never say over the top lovey things, his actions make me feel extremely secure.

However, a lot of my friends are constantly asking if we’re official yet. I’ve brought it up with him and it’s become a bit of a joke. I’ll say something like “oh we can’t break up now if we’re booking a holiday for next year” as a joke and he’ll say “we can’t break up, we’re not together”.

I asked him directly why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet and he just said there’s no rush and we have all the time in the world for that.

I really have no worries at all, he deleted all his dating profiles in front of me, calls me every night, has put photos of me on his social media and is obviously not dating anyone else but is it a bit weird he doesn’t want to say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/11/2019 13:46

Why would you need to be official? Is this a new thing? Surely if you go on dates and sleep over you’re a couple albeit in the early stages

Really not something I’d worry about

Original poster
FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 13:48

I agree and he obviously sees us as long term as he booked Christmas activities and a break away back in October and is talking about a first proper holiday next year.
It just seems to be my friends who are very hung up on the specifics and the fact he doesn’t refer to me as his girlfriend.

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 13:51

That' odd and no I wouldn't like it one little bit.
Sounds like he's keeping his options open.
What is your feeling on it?

frostywindow · 23/11/2019 13:51

Four months and he doesn't consider you "together"? I think that's quite odd and yes, it would bother me.

MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 13:54

It doesn't stack-up, considering he's suggesting holidays next year etc🤔

Original poster
FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 13:55

I genuinely have no idea why he doesn’t want to be “official”. Especially when his actions all point towards him seeing us very much as a couple. He just keeps saying there’s no rush.
The only thing I can think of is that he was cheated on in his previous two relationships and one of those left him quite devastated which he had therapy for. That was years ago, although he did get back with her briefly last year until he realised it just wasn’t meant to be and ended it. So perhaps he’s wary based on past experiences.

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 23/11/2019 13:59

Yes it would bother me, he’s being a bit of a mind fuck isn’t he?! He’s treating you exactly like his girlfriend but saying you’re not. I really couldn’t be bothered with that.

FlashesOfRage · 23/11/2019 13:59

How old are you both? I know that there are some big differences between generations in their dating stages 🤷‍♀️

Like, you are “exclusive” and “seeing each other” and the next step is “girlfriend” etc?

Original poster
FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 14:00

Yes exactly, he would say we’re exclusive and if anyone asked who I am he’d say “the girl I’m seeing”.
I’m mid/late 20s and he’s just turned 30

OP posts:
Lsquiggles · 23/11/2019 14:00

Sounds like he doesn't want to put a label on it so he can just say "we're not together" when he finds someone else. He's giving you a lot of mixed messages and making sure he always has the upper hand. Find someone who would be proud to say they're with you, you deserve better Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 14:01

I’ll say something like “oh we can’t break up now if we’re booking a holiday for next year” as a joke and he’ll say “we can’t break up, we’re not together”

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? He buys you slippers, a dressing gown, give a you the key to his home but you're not "together?" So what the hell are you? It sounds like a convenient way for him to shag about and having the "well, we're not officially together" bollocks to defend himself.

I think he sounds like a total head fuck.

Interestedwoman · 23/11/2019 14:04

' “we can’t break up, we’re not together”.'

Oh I don't think he said that very nicely, it was blunt and not considering your feelings. He could just've said he's not ready yet or something, and say it's because of past relationships or whatever.

He does seem a bit commitmentphobic. I know even if people are official they can still split up, but even though he's planning activities with you etc, the lack of official commitment makes it seem more like he can drop the relationship at any time :(

Maybe you could tell him how you feel- if it's annoying you (it would me) there's no harm in you doing so.

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 14:04

Sounds like he doesn't want to put a label on it so he can just say "we're not together" when he finds someone else. He's giving you a lot of mixed messages and making sure he always has the upper hand.

I agree with this.

Original poster
FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 14:08

Sorry just to clarify when he said “we can’t break up, we’re not together” it was in a joking, teasing kind of way rather than being serious.
I also am 99.9% certain he’s not seeing anyone else. He’s either with me, at work, or at home when he’ll call me every night so limited opportunity. Also anyone going to his flat would definitley notice signs of a woman’s presence!

OP posts:
SummerPavillion · 23/11/2019 14:12

This would bother me enormously and have me questioning the whole thing. What a pain, as otherwise he sounds great Flowers

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/11/2019 14:14

Has he said you are exclusive and confirmed that he wouldnt get with or message etc anyone else?

I think I'd find it odd that hes booking holidays and activities if you're not his gf...I mean 'theres no rush' to use one word, but surely then there is no rush to book a holiday together, that's quite a commitment?

Do you have any mutual friends or anyone that could do a bit of digging? I'd be interested in what answer he would give if someone asked him 'are you single'. If he said 'no, I'm seeing someone' then ok, if he said 'I don't have a girlfriend' then I'd be worried.

I would speak to him about it all but ultimately at this stage I wouldnt end things over it as I think actions speak louder than words and it might be he has a hang up over this one word and doesnt want to jinx it etc...from what you've said he is actually treating you nicely - nicer then a lot of people treat the people that they do call their girlfriend

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 14:15

There's always some truth behind the joking and teasing, op.

ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 14:16

How many people have kids to his home?

he’ll say “we can’t break up, we’re not together”.

Even if that was supposedly a joke, how would he end the relationship? Change the locks and block you?

MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 14:19

" Sorry just to clarify when he said “we can’t break up, we’re not together” it was in a joking, teasing kind of way rather than being serious. "

OP that puts a completely different slant on that sentence - however he still says there's no rush, which is odd considering his forward planning etc.

Havaina · 23/11/2019 14:19

4 months isn't that long? He's either taking it slow or future faking.

ohwheniknow · 23/11/2019 14:19

I mean 'theres no rush' to use one word, but surely then there is no rush to book a holiday together, that's quite a commitment?

Yeh, exactly. If the issue was not wanting to rush things and see how it goes, why has he given you a key after a matter of months and started booking holidays?!

I don't have any issue with taking things slow or not being keen on labels, but this is weird. Like he wants to rush headlong but at the same time reserve the right to bin you off without a thought when he's done with you.

HollowTalk · 23/11/2019 14:22

I think "We can't break up, we're not together" would make me go back to my own home immediately.

Lozzerbmc · 23/11/2019 14:23

I do think its odd, like he wants to keep his options open... you are either together in an exclusive relationship or your not ..

Bourbonbiccy · 23/11/2019 14:27

I think it all just sounds a bit too complicated with the "new" dating stages. I'm either with someone exclusively or I'm not.
I wouldn't accept being treated like his girlfriend then being told we are not even together, it's just far to complicated.

You're either casual therefor don't leave things in his home and get all attached or you are together and he then gets the benefits of you being his girlfriend.

Dollymixture22 · 23/11/2019 14:28

If neither of you are seeing other people then surely you are together?

It all seems a bit childish.

I think you need to understand how he views your relationship. If you aren’t together and you aren’t his girlfriend, then what are you? Friends with benefits? Does he expect you both to be free to see other people?

It doesn’t sound like he thinks the relationship is special. I would be moving on.

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