Would this bother you?

[FizzyPink]

I’ve been dating bf for about 4 months now and he has been utterly lovely, welcomed me into his life, introduced me to his friends etc etc.

He’s also done things like buying me slippers and a dressing gown to keep at his, encouraged me to leave toiletries so I don’t have to carry so much when I stay over and due to him working late hours given me a key so I can let myself in and have dinner instead of waiting around for him to finish work.

After some horrendous dating experiences with other guys this feels so lovely and while he’s not an emotional man and would never say over the top lovey things, his actions make me feel extremely secure.

However, a lot of my friends are constantly asking if we’re official yet. I’ve brought it up with him and it’s become a bit of a joke. I’ll say something like “oh we can’t break up now if we’re booking a holiday for next year” as a joke and he’ll say “we can’t break up, we’re not together”.

I asked him directly why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet and he just said there’s no rush and we have all the time in the world for that.

I really have no worries at all, he deleted all his dating profiles in front of me, calls me every night, has put photos of me on his social media and is obviously not dating anyone else but is it a bit weird he doesn’t want to say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?

The problem here is that he's talking out both sides of his mouth and he's just not being straight forward.

We're not "together", but here's a key to my home. We're not together, but let's make future plans for holidays. Keep a lot of your stuff at my place, but remember, we're not really together.

Fuck that.

I’d actually never even considered that he might be leaving his options open, he’s never given me any reason to think that and he’s always been onboard with us being exclusive. Either of us even speaking to anyone else now would feel like cheating imo.
Perhaps I do need to be more wary and get the truth out of him.

I’d ask him what he means by “not being together”. That will tell you where you stand.
I would also tell him that you consider yourself to be his girlfriend and him your boyfriend.

Ask him what words he would use to describe you two.

It seems you are trying to categorise your relationship and are making him uncomfortabel. Does it need a label? Just enjoy each others company and see how it goes. He might think you are pushing it forward too much

He's doing all the actions but just not taking the final step - he sounds like he is protecting himself at the expense of being public with you. Similar thing happened to me, it did sour what could have been a promising relationship as you can only hedge your bets for so long.

I'd say to him then so does this mean we are free to see other people (not that you want to do that) but i think given his history of being cheated on and therapy it would ruin things, id say that you should get to 6 months and if you are not official then give him an ultimatum

I'd ask him outright if he considers you his girlfriend as you consider him your boyfriend. It's not just up to him, so you should say how you see the relationship. Have you met any of his friends? How does he introduce you?

I wouldn't like this. You're either together and exclusive or you're not a couple unless you've spoken and agreed to keep it open. It's as though he's got his excuse ready if he sleeps with someone else. "How can you be angry? I didn't cheat on you! We weren't together!"

My dd although younger than you was with her bf for 4 months and even though they spent alot of time together school and after school. All their friends knew they where together he broke up with her the night before prom and went to it with a girl that does not like my dd, The other girl is a very good looking girl and he got his head turned by her and broke my dd heart on a big day in a teenage girls life.
He was on facetime every night for about 3 years but only dating for 4 months and he done this, so 4 months is really not long to be thinking your forever.
They have both now lost a good friendship and haven't spoken since.
I persuaded her to give him a chance as a bf as they where so close but now I could throttle him.
I would really love to ask him why he done it. to just get Closure but my dd says just leave it.
She met a new boy at prom still early days.

It would bother me .

To me it sounds as if he's still keeping his options open as they say. Hasn't decided that you're good enough for him yet.
Not that you're not, but that he perhaps thinks that.
Sometimes you ignore the 'danger' signs as you dont want to see them.
Past experience.
But maybe he is nicer than I'm giving credit for and he's teasing you.

He’s treating you exactly like his girlfriend but saying you’re not. I really couldn’t be bothered with that

Me neither. Also, he's in his 30s, so not a bit of a kid.

I agree he is keeping his options open in case some he deems 'better' comes along and he can say 'we were never officially together'

He's not over the ex.
Being 'official' with you would mean finality on the ex.
Sorry

He says you're not together but has bought you a dressing gown etc, suggests you leave toiletries at his place and is talking about a holiday.

I wouldn't leave toiletries at his, and if I were staying over I'd take my own dressing gown etc. If he asks why, say you prefer to use your own things.

I also wouldn't do the holiday with him either.

I'd be concerned about making a bigger commitment to him at this stage, despite him doing things that encourage it.

It seems you are trying to categorise your relationship and are making him uncomfortabel. Does it need a label? Just enjoy each others company and see how it goes. He might think you are pushing it forward too much.

Ridiculous. Sometimes "labels" are needed. If the op wants marriage and children she shouldn't waste her time with someone who has no intentions of making a future together.

I don't understand all this "official" business. After a few dates with my now DH I just assumed we were a couple and neither of us would date anyone else. Is that really old fashioned and weird? Certainly after 4 months we both considered we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I just don't get why you NOT be together in this situation. Do people just have multiple partners these days?!

I am getting the impression that he’s enjoying your company and that you’ll do for now. I think you’re a placeholder. Sorry.

@Turnedouttoes I expected you to say much younger than that ☹️

I’m of a similar age to him and wouldn’t tolerate this kind of commitment avoidance. It isn’t usual for people my age.

It keeps you guessing, it keeps you feeling insecure, it keeps you on your absolute best behaviour because the job interview isn’t over!

Would you dare challenge him right now on behaviour that you don’t like? Or would you think you had to keep it to yourself because it might put him off? X

When someone gives mixed messages, then you listen to the least committed message.

So if someone's words are all lovey-dovey but they act like they don't care - they don't care.

And when someone treats you like a girlfriend, but says you aren't his girlfriend - he doesn't consider you his girlfriend.

It's actually pretty common for a certain type of dysfunctional person to go around acting like a person is their partner, whilst at the same time refusing to make it 'official'. Then when they dump that person 'out of the blue', they say, 'but it wasn't anything serious - I always said we weren't together/we never said we were official!'

Guard your heart and your holiday money, OP

he’s being a bit of a mind fuck isn’t he?!

Possibly yes. Or possibly a little immature. Or possibly yes wary and something is stopping him.

The way to find out if it's the former is to pull back. Right now, he knows this bothers you a little and you've been upfront with him about wanting to be 'steady'. So stop it. Be a bit more relaxed about it, and don't play games but the next time something comes up which references your 'togetherness', just laugh and say yes but we're not together are we - be off the cuff and amused - throw it back at him.

If he changes his tune, you'll know that he was mind-fucking you from the 'safe' position of knowing you were keen, and he 'had you'. That will be a major red flag.

But it could be that he just feels a bit self-conscious about it, or still a bit unsure even though things are going well, as he's had a bad time previously.

So like I said, don't play games, let it develop and keep an eye out for fuckery. But don't be afraid to turn the tables on him and play cool if that's going to be how he does things.

I don't wish to sound flippant, but you've been together 4 months and he's bought you a dressing gown and slippers. And given you a key?

I think that's very strange behaviour. That plus "not together". Well my spidey senses are utterly confused and freaked out.

Meh, DP and I never had that conversation.

We’ve been together for 7 years, buying a house and getting married next year. Maybe I’ll go and ask if he considers me his girlfriend

Me too, Iborgia. Four months is pretty early for keys etc, I'd have thought.

With the "not really with you" jokes, I'd be putting a bit of space between me and him.

He has said you are not together. That means you are convenient FWB for sex and a laugh right now but there's no future in it, he's still looking for the right woman. Give the key back. Make him do some leg work if he wants sex, not you his not-a-girlfriend being there ready when he gets home.

Hmmm. So he likes having you all cosy and the little woman at home. Has he been taking you out and about his world and showing you all around his friends and family? Or does he avoid that and 'prefer' cosy nights in behind closed doors just the two of you? If so, then something's not right.