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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

96 replies

FizzyPink · 23/11/2019 13:44

I’ve been dating bf for about 4 months now and he has been utterly lovely, welcomed me into his life, introduced me to his friends etc etc.

He’s also done things like buying me slippers and a dressing gown to keep at his, encouraged me to leave toiletries so I don’t have to carry so much when I stay over and due to him working late hours given me a key so I can let myself in and have dinner instead of waiting around for him to finish work.

After some horrendous dating experiences with other guys this feels so lovely and while he’s not an emotional man and would never say over the top lovey things, his actions make me feel extremely secure.

However, a lot of my friends are constantly asking if we’re official yet. I’ve brought it up with him and it’s become a bit of a joke. I’ll say something like “oh we can’t break up now if we’re booking a holiday for next year” as a joke and he’ll say “we can’t break up, we’re not together”.

I asked him directly why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet and he just said there’s no rush and we have all the time in the world for that.

I really have no worries at all, he deleted all his dating profiles in front of me, calls me every night, has put photos of me on his social media and is obviously not dating anyone else but is it a bit weird he doesn’t want to say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?

OP posts:

egontoste · 23/11/2019 22:42

Why are your friends going on at you and asking if you are 'official' yet? What does that even mean, anyway?

Don't pay any attention to what your friends say and just go with the flow in this relationship for the time being.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/11/2019 22:43

He buys you a fucking dressing gown and then tells you to your face you’re not together?

What a controlling jumped-up arrogant lite prick!

TowelNumber42 · 23/11/2019 22:48

My MIL bought me a dressing gown and slippers. My DH has never bought me those. It's a weird gift for a new girlfriend.

Moomin8 · 23/11/2019 22:51

After 4 months I wouldn't be happy if he's expecting you to act like a couple and you're booking holidays but is also saying you're 'not together' what a head fuck!

Heartburn888 · 23/11/2019 22:52

IMO if you are both enjoying each other company, ride the wave and if it’s not broken don’t try and fix it

bluebell34567 · 23/11/2019 22:54

is he trying to make his ex jealous? he put your pics on his fb, etc.

lborgia · 23/11/2019 22:55

Except Heartburn, it obviously isn't an equal relationship, because she's feeling unsettled, and he doesn't feel like reassuring her... or actually, feel the same as she does.

She's been blinded by the stuff, and now has reason to question the emotions behind the stuff.

CoupeCourte · 23/11/2019 23:00

I'm about your age and my DP is about his age - there's no way he would have pulled this, and it wouldn't be normal for anyone in our social circles.

I think he's being odd, OP, and I'd be tending towards what @Spied said, that if it's official with you then it's definitely over with his ex. I also think the joking about it is a bit off - it doesn't seem like it's really a joke to you, it seems like he knows you want things to be official and he's taking the piss out of you.

PussInBin20 · 23/11/2019 23:07

Sounds to me like he’s just teasing you. I mean he’s acting like you are together but Jokingly says you’re not.

Maybe it’s a generation thing but I don’t think when I was dating my now DH that there was a particular day that we said “right, now we’re official”. The relationship just developed.

Maybe you’re friends are fuelling your insecurity perhaps and he thinks it is a bit funny that you keep asking if it’s now official when to him, you already are.

Moomin8 · 23/11/2019 23:18

I think people who try to make you feel unsettled are red flags tbh. An emotionally healthy person doesn't play games.

Honeyroar · 23/11/2019 23:20

It’s not the fact that he won’t put a label on it and say you’re official that’s the issue (I agree with people that it’s strange to have to announce it). The issue is that he’s going out of his way to tell you that you’re NOT official or his girlfriend. That’s weird after all his “you’re my girlfriend” behaviour. I’d back off a lot from this, I wouldn’t be staying over so much, I’d leave his key and I certainly wouldn’t be booking holidays with him.

Personally I’d also be on the lookout for someone better too, who doesn’t play games.

SandAndSea · 23/11/2019 23:25

I'd find this very confusing. I would be clear about how you see things and what you're looking for. If you want to settle down/marry/have kids and he doesn't, you need to know. Don't be scared to say what you want - I think his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I like ChristmasFluff's post.

Ohyesiam · 23/11/2019 23:25

How can you be exclusive but not together?
All him how he would feel about you seeing other people as you aren’t a couple.

FlashesOfRage · 23/11/2019 23:32

It’s like you are “the girlfriend experience” of FWBs.

The nice snuggles on the sofa, the comfort of you being around when he fancies it, sex as much as he likes that feels a bit more fuzzy and intimate than a bog standard FWB.

But none of the shit stuff. No arguments, no demands, no obligations, no need to compromise in any way, no expectations of what he should do next.

Just a nice comfy experience of all the good bits of a new relationship that you can forget about tomorrow if it ever gets tiresome.

Really sorry to summarise it that way OP. x

Specialized101 · 23/11/2019 23:38

Sounds like hes been open and honest,all apart from putting a label on you ?? Maybe he finds it faintly ridiculous that you need to be asked out by him when hes been as open as he can be,maybe he should get a friend to pass you a note like when you were kids.....
TBH It just sounds like you`re searching for issues already,yeah go dump him like many have advised....

Pumpkintopf · 23/11/2019 23:47

This is weird behaviour and I would be concerned.

Lampan · 24/11/2019 07:06

It is weird and I would be bothered by it, and I am usually quite commitment-phobic!
As PP said, ask him what he means by ‘not together’, and don’t let him avoid answering.

I don’t think You should be waiting for him to ‘ask you to be his girlfriend’ - that’s very Love Island and not necessary. But as two people in a relationship you should be able to have a serious conversation to establish where you stand.

The buying a dressing gown is a bit odd and is definitely sending mixed messages. I don’t think I could put up with this. Why not breezily tell him you have a date with someone else for next weekend and see how he reacts! - don’t actually do this, but the point is you could as you are ‘not together’!

Lampan · 24/11/2019 07:12

Also, I think the fact that he told you that you are not together in a ‘teasing’ manner makes it worse rather than better. It’s cruel to mess with you if he knows you want to be ‘official’ or ‘together’, and saying it in a joking matter just makes it harder for you to understand what he means or discuss it properly.

BlackSwanGreen · 24/11/2019 07:20

I agree this is confusing. It could be that you're just using different words for the same thing, or it could be that he's not prepared to commit to you.

You need to decide which bits of this are important to you.

For me personally, it wouldn't bother me too much if he referred to me as "the woman I'm seeing" rather than "my girlfriend". But it worry me if he thought this meant we weren't exclusive and he could sleep with other people without doing anything wrong.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 24/11/2019 07:28

Yeah that'd bother me.
I think you just need to ask him if he's seeing anyone else, then if he says 'no, we're exclusive' say 'ok cool. I was getting mixed messages and wasn't sure whether you actually saw me as a girlfriend. I'm glad we've cleared that up'

Lexplorer · 24/11/2019 07:39

Wow! When did 'going out' with someone become some sort of name game? Dp and I have happily been together 35 years and neither ever said boyfriend/girlfriend/exclusive/engaged/marry etc. What an angst-ridden time it sounds!

Moomin8 · 24/11/2019 07:40

There is nothing whatsoever normal about telling someone you've been dating for 4 months 'we're not together' unless you see them as some kind of fuck buddy. Whatever language you do or don't use.

I'd give him a taste of his own medicine. 'Since we're not together I'm sure you won't mind if I date other people'.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 24/11/2019 07:42

@Lexplorer have you never had to introduce each other to anyone then, or ever spoke to anyone about him who doesn't personally know him?

category12 · 24/11/2019 08:18

It says to me, as per pp, that you're the "girlfriend experience", a fwb he'll drop if he feels like it and act surprised if you're hurt.

Lexplorer · 24/11/2019 09:08

To each other Giveherhell, as In the OP asking him about when is he going to 'ask' her to be his girlfriend. I'm surprised people have conversations 'will you be my girlfriend', 'will you marry me' etc

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