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Original poster

Husband had an affair - mental health?

85 replies

40andscrewed · 23/11/2019 12:56

I found out earlier this year that my husband had been having a ‘years long’ affair with a close friend. He did leave me and our two children (under the age of eight) for a couple of weeks and then ended it with his mistress and came home.

Since then we have been trying to heal. He refuses counselling from the very beginning. I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. Twice I have cancelled appointments for myself out of fear he’d find out and think that we weren’t ‘working’.

But the past two to three months, he has grown distant. He’s quiet, snappy etc. I have noticed that he has shown a lot of signs of a ‘mid-life crisis’ and recently he’s gone berserk with buying antique and old furniture online.

Then I found it. A phone number. It was on a piece of paper that belonged to him from the GP after a recent visit about a condition he has been diagnosed with. I googled it and it’s a NHS support service for depression, anxiety and low mood.

I won’t lie, it startled me. The man who said no to counselling, the man who several times has denied anything wrong with him when I asked him during his quiet and withdrawn moments has seemingly contacted or is going to contact support services for his mental health.

Part of me is glad he’s dealing with this as I firmly believe it’s been brewing for a few years going by what he’s told me regarding the affair. But also I am scared.

I know he told this ‘parasite’ who was his mistress that he loved her - at least twice. I am thinking is he depressed over regrets of ending their relationship or is it guilt because of what he did?

My friends say not to confront him it but equally I want to considering her persuaded me for months not to go to counselling and here he is, possibly hiding the fact that HE is attending sessions he denied me.

Any advice appreciated about how to handle this.

OP posts:
Original poster
40andscrewed · 23/11/2019 19:26

frogcat yes affair is over. Checked all lines of communications plus I have moles at his workplace (I received u told amounts of support and disgust from their colleagues - even now people check in with me).

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/11/2019 19:30

All your posts are about HIM. How HE feels, how it's affecting HIM. What about YOU op?

MashedSpud · 23/11/2019 19:33

Is this man worth your time op?

He cheated in plain sight with someone who was close to your family, someone you took on holidays with you.

Who gives a shit about his mental health. He created this mess.

Original poster
40andscrewed · 23/11/2019 19:34

I need support myself and seeking it

I wouldn’t be with him if I felt there wasn’t hope.

But thanks for thinking of me. Much appreciated.

I have asked for the post to be removed as I feel like I am being hounded by unhelpful trolls who aren’t actually supporting me.

I was told it would be a mistake for registering with mumsnet. Now I know why.

Actually going to delete my account.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 23/11/2019 19:35

It’s only a phone number. It’s highly likely he’s not seeking help for anything

Thinking your cheating husband is mentally Ill is the oldest delusion in the book

You’ve certainly been through a lot of crap OP. You must be so miserable

FrogCat · 23/11/2019 19:37

I’m sorry you feel hounded.

I think people are just shocked at what an awful thing your husband did, and how you seem to be so concerned for and accommodating towards him when HE should be walking over hot coals to make YOU happy at the moment.

Windygate · 23/11/2019 19:38

Your H is a consummate liar who has pulled the wool over your eyes for seven years during which you've had two children and never suspected a thing.
He also knows exactly how low your relationship bar is set.
He refuses to consider any form of counselling.
You find a telephone number, you don't trust him so dig a bit, it's a NHS support se vice, absolutely no evidence that he's even rung the number never mind engaged in counselling.

You don't want to face the very unpalatable truth which is understandable but unsustainable.

NotJustACigar · 23/11/2019 19:57

Just make sure you're doing things for you... That you make an effort to find new friends or strengthen existing friendships, that you exercise and eat well, spend some money on things that make you feel good about yourself.... Whatever works for you.

Seaweed42 · 23/11/2019 20:07

What about you and your feelings? Go to counselling yourself. The fact that you think this is in someway disloyal to him shows that you need to do a bit of work on yourself to restore yourself to your former glory. You have lost yourself over the years. He did not stop you going to counselling, you allowed his opinion to sway you against it, because he hurt you so much you will now do anything he suggests.
You only show anger to the other woman, but to the person who betrayed you for 7 years you only seek to only mull over theories about his mental health.
Go to counselling, YOU deserve unconditional love and understanding and a handhold while you work through this and go forward.
Your DH is an adult, capable of looking after his own needs very well as he proved to you. You are now forced into trying to police his every move and his every thought. That must be very tiring. Best of luck for the future.

category12 · 23/11/2019 20:08

He probably is quite sad that he's ended a 7 year long relationship.

You seem quite keen to believe he might be looking for help with his MH on quite a slim premise.

It's probably more likely that the distance and mid-life crisis signs are him either restarting the affair or getting another OW.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/11/2019 20:11

Oh dear OP. You really don’t want to see the reality do you? Carry on deluding yourself. Nobody can help you if you refuse to consider anything other than the fairy story you’ve concocted for yourself.

Honeyroar · 23/11/2019 20:14

The other woman was absolutely vile, however he was happily roght there with her in the lying and cheating- a “pariah “ too.

You’re not being trolled by anyone but him! The only person you’re not getting wound up at is the one person that you should.

BennyTheBall · 23/11/2019 20:15

It's dead in the water. Get rid.

Or spend a year trying to make things work and the wish you'd got rid sooner.

Faith50 · 23/11/2019 20:52

OP*
Seven years of lying, welcoming ow into your home, on family holidays and family events along with her husband. So much deceit and planning by both of them. You are so good for trying to reconcile - I cannot even begin to imagine the trauma and pain you must be going through.

In your opening post you stated it was a year long affair. Did dh then reveal it was actually seven years or did you find out?

I presume the ow and her husband have been cut off. There really is no going back. They must be left in the past whether you manage to reconcile with dh or not. Ow is not for you in any way and has no right to tell her side of the story. Do not give her any air time.

I hope you can somehow look after yourself in the midst of this chaos; eat well, sleep well, find one or two good friends to open up to.

BlackSwan · 23/11/2019 20:58

He's not depressed and that's why he seems short with you and distant.
He's feeling hard done by because he's lost his mistress, that's why he's distant and snippy. You're manufacturing excuses for him.

lborgia · 23/11/2019 21:09

OP said "years long" affair, meaning it had gone on for years... not "a year's long affair"...

MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 21:10

This reply has been deleted

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MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 21:13

It's not wise to call regular posters Trolls, because you don't like their points of view.

CandyApple1995 · 23/11/2019 21:17

I agree with what black Swan said. He's probably so snappy because he's lost his mistress. After being with her for years he's bound to miss her. In those seven years he was cheating, they would have become pretty close. It definitely seems like you are making excuses for him and completely blaming the other woman. Even though it was 50% him. I don't want to sound harsh but I think you may be in denial OP x you deserve to be happy and live free of doubt

UnicornsExist · 23/11/2019 21:19

@MaeveDidIt that's a disgusting thing to say to an OP who has clearly been through the mill. It is the OP's decision to try and salvage her marriage regardless of what other posters would choose to do. The OP does not come across as arrogant at all, just hurt and trying to deal with with a very difficult situation.
OP I think you need to discuss the number with your H. After an affair, he should be completely open with you and not hide anything in order to win back something resembling trust. Now may be the time to make a case for individual and couples counselling, especially if the GP is recommending that he seeks therapy.
It is a long road to recovery from an affair. You both have to really want the marriage to work but it can be done Flowers

jayho · 23/11/2019 21:20

HE made the choice to cheat and to continue cheating. It doesn't matter how much she dangled her fanny on a string and made her self available, he chose to take the opportunity.

This is not about her, yeah, she may be a shitty person to hook up with a married man, but he's a shittier married man who chose to screw someone else. Consistently. For years.

It's horrid, I've been there, I sympathise, but you currently have the wrong focus.

MaeveDidIt · 23/11/2019 21:22

@Unicorn
It's an awful situation for OP, but it doesn't give her a licence to be so rude to posters that are clearly trying to help her.
They are regular posters and not Trolls as she has stated.

lborgia · 23/11/2019 21:24

Problem is OP, you've come to us with an unsafe precept.

Quite often, a woman will write something like "I'm concerned that my neighbour will report me for leaving my bins in the road all week. I do this because my neighbour and their family use my drive as a car park, scratched my car, and leave litter all over my garden, and the bins stop them getting to my property. I'm not allowed to have my bins on the road all the time, I'm really worried".

The whole of MN cries "nevermind the fucking bins, what the hell are you going to do about the neighbours??!!!".

Do you see?

Faith50 · 23/11/2019 21:26

Iborgia Thanks for pointing this outBlush

I agree that he is likely missing the ow - not what you want to hear at all. Seven years is a long time to be in a relationship let alone an affair. The feelings held would not have vanished just because they have split. He is clearly coming to terms with the break up. It is so unfair that you are even having to consider his feelings after everything he has put you through.