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Struggling with separation

(70 Posts)
Vickiuk80 Sun 24-Mar-19 21:51:13

Hi
My husband walked out a week ago, after firstly leaving in January for a few days but advising he didn’t know what he was doing and coming home .
He waited for me to go to bed and woke me up to tell me he hasn’t felt the same about me for 5ish years and the depression he has had the last year.was becusde he couldn’t process those emotions.

I have nearly killed myself the last year, whilst supporting my mother who is recovering from a mastectomy.
Trying to get him to spend time with me, asking him to put his god damn phone away and literally doing every household chore and parenting our kids whilst working.
He waited an hour after I told him that my mum was cancer free .... on the eve of my sons 5th birthday.

Today I have spent mainly in tears due to seeing every family in real life and on social media having a wonderful time.

I literally feel like my whole life has fallen apart and feel hopeless.
It’s like the person I trusted most is no longer there and I am struggling to see the 16years before this where he was a good person.
It’s like he has switched his feelings off.
All I feel is fear and I hate myself for it.
I hate that inside I want all this to be a mistake and it can be sorted but then beat myself up becusde I shouldn’t be treated like this.
I deserve love, respect and kindness.
It’s all gone. How can I never trust again

Ughhhhh just needed to write it down

OP’s posts: |
DoctorDread Sun 24-Mar-19 22:02:50

So sorry op. It feels awful to be where you are. I haven't any major words of wisdom other than to let you know that in spite of feeling that I'd never survive, I did.

Not without scars. But I did. And so will you

Bigal80 Sun 24-Mar-19 22:08:34

Thank you, I’ve never felt more alone

maskingtherealme Mon 25-Mar-19 21:25:23

I am 8 days post bombshell of my husband admitting to an affair. I am in a better place now than I was back then - and even better than I was three days ago when i found out the EXTENT of the affair.
Do you have any friends?
I have an army of support and without it, I wouldn't be feeling so positive about what I am doing (filed for divorce today).
You have to be kind to yourself and accept this is not YOU, this is him. Someone out there will love you, care for you, cherish you and respect you. I am determined not to let the swine of a husband steal anymore years of my life when he stole so many before 17th March.
hugs to you Bigal80 flowers

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Mon 25-Mar-19 21:43:53

OP. Be reassured you will survive. Splitting up is a massive shock to the system even if you were the one that wanted out.

You have been working very hard to keep the family together and taking the lion’s share of the responsibility to raise the kids. I bet that you will find it difficult to ask yourself the question “what do I want/need?” Because you are so used to function on the basis of “what do the other need/want?”.

But... give it six months and you will be able to see things from a more detached perspective and realise, as many of us divorced people, that you are better off on your own than flogging the dead horse some relationships are.

First things first, the pain will stay around for some time so you may need just to assume that you cannot fight those feelings, but try to get some control back by asking yourself the question “what do I want/need” and start making plans on how to survive these difficult months until you feel better.

I am sure that it won’t be long before you realise that being on your own is actually much easier and happier than being with someone who is not contributing much to his relationship and family life.

Hold in there, cut yourself some slack, you and the kids will be fine. You are already doing most of the work.

OhLookMarch Mon 25-Mar-19 21:50:43

I'd advise one of the first things you should do is sack off Facebook for the foreseeable. The last thing you need is everyone unintentionally rubbing their glittery social media lives in your face x

Bigal80 Wed 27-Mar-19 07:04:11

Thank you - maskingtherealme

I do have support, and since I found the guys to tell people from the most unlikely places -
When he was “depressed” it was pretty bad and I hid lots of things. Embrassed I think.
He’s emtionally cold so I’ve not been able to talk about as there is nothing to discuss.
He wants to fly forward 5years and all be friends but it’s like the man I knew for all those years is gone.
I had a terrible day Sunday. Then two good ones and as I get ready for work I feel really anxious but I haven’t fallen apart yet xxz

Bigal80 Wed 27-Mar-19 07:09:32

Thank you notsurewhatiwant

I started a counciling journey with the nhs about a month ago and I am going to continue. It to be fair it’s been a life saver -
I am sick of thinking of someone who does not have thought for me.
I wouldn’t have minded after the first time than he came come and treated my like a promcsss but nothing,

I’m getting pressure from “other” people that we can work it out and I just so felt so angry as they just want things to go back to normal and no one ever things go ask what I want now ?
Do I not deserve a partner who loves me and takes an intrest??
Like I deserve to be happy and I am not abandoning someone who is “sick”
He made a choice and that’s his right

Thank you xxxz

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 27-Mar-19 08:29:37

Oh yes, everybody will come and tell you to try to fix it, but most of them do not have a clue of how bad things were because people do not talk much about how bad their marriages are.

I remember saying to a friend that the answer to “we are splitting up” is not “pray and god will listen” but “how can I help you?”

madcatladyforever Wed 27-Mar-19 08:35:42

So sorry to hear this op. My husband dumped me while I was in hospital after I had spent years bending over backwards for him. It feels like a physical assault.
It will take you a while but you will realise that you are better off without this selfish and uncaring man.
He just doesnot want any responsibility.
It's tough to have to give up the family dream but it isn't a dream if both parties aren't making the effort.
You WILL be OK. Xxx

Bigal80 Wed 27-Mar-19 20:11:09

Madcatladyforver
It does feel like a physical assault.
Struggling again tonight, full of self doubt and I think feeling abandoned.
How can someone be your biggest supporter for 16 years and a year later acts like you are the reason they hate their life.
I wish I could Stop my brain this evening x

Cupofteaforme5 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:54:35

Never posted but stumbled across this and wanted to say I'm in exactly the same position, in face I found this as I've been watching other threads about my husband being depressed - only to be told by him that the reason for this lately is him trying to process how he feels differently about me. I swing between feeling angry (just generally!) and feeling like he's a completely different person stood in front of me to the one who's been there for the past 12yrs flowers

Miffymeow Fri 29-Mar-19 10:58:28

Social media is not reality OP, please remember that, and generally the people who post the most on there and try to show off their fabulous lives are the most insecure ones.

My mum has recently been through a divorce and she was upset by the same kind of thing saying that everyone else seems to have it all made and got on with life... until I pointed out everything wrong with her friends marriages / lives that she knows about. Some were trapped in controlling marriages, some were very ill, some had cheating partners but were afraid to leave, etc. The one who posts and shows off the most has severe sciatica and her husband controls all their finances and is nasty. Every close friend that we knew details of their lives had something, then she realised that everyone seems to have something going on, you just only know about it if they let you.

Noone ever knows what is going on behind closed doors. You will get through this, but it is going to be a real shock to the system for a while. This will be the worst week as you come to terms with it, next week each time you wake up and remember it will be a bit less of a shock, and so on. You have a future ahead of you where you will be happy again, remember that you and DC are safe, there is no immediate danger but things are going to feel strange for a while as you find a new routine. Things will feel normal again.

Are there any friends/family you can lean on right now? A shoulder to cry on? Let it all out for a while OP, and then try to keep moving and busy, make sure you keep going out and doing things and seeing people and it will get easier. flowers

Bigal80 Fri 29-Mar-19 22:01:37

Cupofteaforme5

Feel free to message me, I poured over depression forums - read books and tried to help and forgot how to be happy.

I’m sitting here tonight with kids with him and I ache will loneliness- I have friends - lots but they all have people to be with -
I sit here alone and my mind races.
I’m so upset with myself, I even said to a friend I feel like I have been living a lie and I didn’t know.
She said I haven’t, he has and I was true
She’s right but right now I feel the blame of the whole thing on my shoulders and that I missed something.
He is fine, not even a sorry

Bigal80 Fri 29-Mar-19 22:03:41

Miffymeow

Thank you, I know it’s not real but some days you want to be part of that club
Feels so hard to be where I am
Xxxx

Moneymachine Sat 30-Mar-19 10:55:34

Bigal80 and cupofteaforme

Same here. 15yrs together, beautiful young children and life has just fallen apart. So hard emotionally - grief for a relationship that we could have had it’s the worst.

I find strength in thinking that I was brave enough to make the decisions I did and to open up to outside to get help. I wish I have spoken out earlier.

I am thinking day at a time at the moment and focusing on rebuilding stability and peace for my kids. Everything else will come in time...

Bigal80 Sat 30-Mar-19 11:40:49

Moneymachine

For so long I didn’t tell me people how bad I felt, that actually I do deserve love. It’s the hardest thing to open up, some of the things I was embarrassed about. But to do so is so brave.
You make excuses and hope that things will get better but some days they don’t.

I sat last night thinking how awful it felt be alone in my house, when actually that had been happening for months even with someone here so time to feel the pain and get to the other side

Much love xxx

Cupofteaforme5 Sat 30-Mar-19 11:48:59

Moneymachine &Bigal80 - ditto here. I just feel so sad that I've given him time and space as he said for the last year he felt differently about everything, not just me and he was grieving so felt selfish trying to talk about us at such a time, but now it feels like all that time trying my best to support him was just giving him more space to push me away and fall out of love with me.

Bigal80 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:28:40

Cupofteaforme5
This is not your fault. You offered support and he pushed it away. For some people it’s eaiser to cut people off.
I do feel depression can effect people like that and everything you read is about how difficult it is for them. But for the supporters, there’s nothing. A bunch of feelings that everyone tells you isn’t as bad as depression.
I know that upsets a lot of people but it cuts deep and made me feel like nothing

Clairemnorman Mon 01-Apr-19 12:37:21

I've been there and you can get through it, even I'd it doesn't feel like it at the time. I'm now the happiest I've ever been. I've written some blogs, including coping with loneliness, and there's also a video of how to get over the heartbreak... hope it helps. http://www.clairemnorman.co.uk/?p=53
If you ever need someone to listen then always happy to hear to share advice x

Bigal80 Tue 02-Apr-19 00:11:22

Thank you Clare Norman

I am struggling with feeling alone, when actually I have so many people to call and lean on
It’s those couple of hours you have after children’s bedtimes that make
Me feel awful.
I’m still in shock I think

Cupofteaforme5 Tue 02-Apr-19 09:40:41

Thank you Clairemnorman, really interesting reading. I certainly seem to be hurtling through those stages. Woke up quite angry today after bursting in to tears all yesterday (at work, when I tried to ring the drs for an appt!) I was talking to him last night (perfectly calm and normal) and then afterwards just thought why am I wasting my energy on him, worrying about him, still caring etc when he has so immediately absolved those feelings towards me. And then I actually slept! Will no doubt be feeling horrendous again later but at least it's helped me a bit today.

Bigal80 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:06:20

I am struggling dealing with a brick wall, if I try to explain how hurt I am by the lies and the fact he never said we were dealing with the issue his feelings had changed he says
How can I help with that shock

Cupofteaforme5 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:32:46

Yep!!! Which is why I think I felt how I felt yesterday, I just get 'people are allowed to change their feelings'. After 12yrs, 3 kids and me bending over backwards to support his depression the past year. And telling me once his mind was completely made up so not willing to try to resolve/do anything. He's not the same person I don't think.

Bigal80 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:40:39

That’s the thing, I said to a friend I felt like my life was a lie. That I had no idea I was living a lie and she said I hadn’t been - he has
We couldn’t have done anything differently anyway yet we are beating ourselves up.

I’m just worried I will trust no one ever again

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