Husband had an affair - mental health?

[40andscrewed]

I found out earlier this year that my husband had been having a ‘years long’ affair with a close friend. He did leave me and our two children (under the age of eight) for a couple of weeks and then ended it with his mistress and came home.

Since then we have been trying to heal. He refuses counselling from the very beginning. I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. Twice I have cancelled appointments for myself out of fear he’d find out and think that we weren’t ‘working’.

But the past two to three months, he has grown distant. He’s quiet, snappy etc. I have noticed that he has shown a lot of signs of a ‘mid-life crisis’ and recently he’s gone berserk with buying antique and old furniture online.

Then I found it. A phone number. It was on a piece of paper that belonged to him from the GP after a recent visit about a condition he has been diagnosed with. I googled it and it’s a NHS support service for depression, anxiety and low mood.

I won’t lie, it startled me. The man who said no to counselling, the man who several times has denied anything wrong with him when I asked him during his quiet and withdrawn moments has seemingly contacted or is going to contact support services for his mental health.

Part of me is glad he’s dealing with this as I firmly believe it’s been brewing for a few years going by what he’s told me regarding the affair. But also I am scared.

I know he told this ‘parasite’ who was his mistress that he loved her - at least twice. I am thinking is he depressed over regrets of ending their relationship or is it guilt because of what he did?

My friends say not to confront him it but equally I want to considering her persuaded me for months not to go to counselling and here he is, possibly hiding the fact that HE is attending sessions he denied me.

Any advice appreciated about how to handle this.

7yrs isnt an affair. It is almost like he was having a second marriage. I feel for you as I couldn't do what your doing. I hate cheats and his diagnosis isnt' an excuse and given its a recent diagnosis it is probably in relation to being found out and his life having to drastically change. I wouldnt get caught up on his diagnosis, you need to focus on rebuilding if your definitely happy to stay with him.

I’ve skim read those threads and if this is the poster, it makes for heartbreaking reading.
I feel so sad for you OP. You have married a dreadful man and have been terribly betrayed. I hope you eventually find the strength to tell this man to fuck off out of your life and can build a happy future without his selfish, deceitful bullshit.

I don't think you need to do anything about this revelation - if you are still there OP. And it is unlikely you will find out a singular reason, i.e. guilt or regret. It could be both. Or something else entirely. It is not likely to be that black and white. Do you want him to get help?
I would hope that your OH does seek help if indeed he needs it, but there is probably no mileage in confronting him about it.

Any Fucker and many others have offered you sound advice, even though it's hard for you to read. Your husband is an appallingly selfish man. Seven year affair? Unforgivable. Please wake up and take steps to get rid of him.

Any advice regarding handling the revelation that my husband is seemingly seeking mental health support eight months after the affair ended???

This isn't a revelation though is it?

You're married to someone who has led a double life for 7 ish years.

He was found out.

Looks like he had to end one of his long term relationships. Obviously that will be hard for him. Obviously hes not going to talk to his other, ongoing long term relationship partner (you) about it, nor go to therapy with YOU about HIS relationship ending.

So he may be seeking counselling (possibly).

Not brain surgery or a big surprise.

The bit that is the real revelation here is that a woman would stay with a man who has habitually and systematically deceived her for the best part of a decade. That's the brain surgery bit for me tbh... talk about mental gymnastics!

FWIW if you want to know what to do about the fact that another person MIGHT get counselling: nothing. You do nothing and leave them to it.

I’m sorry but this is a really disturbing read. Your attitude is really unhealthy - I can’t comprehend why you’re even still with this man who left you after years of cheating and then came crawling back. I just can’t get past that.

OP I think you need to go ahead with counselling for yourself. it might help you. Your husband has no right whatsoever to have. problem with you seeing a counsellor. He's probably very conscious that if you do have counselling you will see the situation for what it is.

Gosh just read your replies. I’m sorry OP but you sound really desperate to believe he’s innocent, was almost tricked into staying with the OW, that he won’t do it again (he will). It’s really sad - can’t you see that he’s got you walking on eggshells desperate to keep him? He can do what he wants and you’re going nowhere. I hope you wake up and leave soon.

@lborgia your comment is perfect. Hit the nail on the head.

Probably wins one of the most hopeless posts of the year along with her last one.
This one just won't be taught.

@AnyFucker's first comment sums up the solution to all of it.

I commented on your original thread. For 7 years your husband defiled your home and family. He cheated right under your nose, included OW as a family member, and together they even made decisions about your house, excluding you.

You said then that you realized how much H had controlled you and the children for years. You are still allowing him to control you. He has impeded your healing by discouraging your seeking counseling. You have actually cancelled appointments for fear of his discovery and disapproval. You continue to dance to his tune.

Please find the courage to pursue individual counseling. You need to discover why you are willing to settle for such degrading mistreatment.

As others have said OP, please go and see a counsellor.

She told everyone the day after my husband went to her that she was giving me less than 50% share of our joint assets
If she told everyone the day after the affair started, how have you only just found out?

He refuses to seek therapy. He refuses to be open and honest with you. You are scared to seek therapy yourself incase it upsets him. You are frankly in an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship. He is possibly depressed. Why wouldn't he be. His 7 year long RELATIONSHIP has ended. That's what it was. It may have been an affair but it was also a relationship. And he was in it for longer than many marriages.
What do you do to support him? Insist that until he seeks counselling and is completely open with you about himself, that you are unable to proceed. Stop being an enabler. That's the answer. Hold him to account. Insist on openness and honesty in ALL areas and stop enabling him.

'Twice I have cancelled appointments for myself out of fear he’d find out and think that we weren’t ‘working’.'

Bloody hell

Seriously

Stop this stupid charade.

He's been fucking your mate for bloody years and you are tip toeing around this poor fragile lamb prize, incase he gets the wrong vibe.

Raise your bar today, be the best thing you've ever done.

I remember your previous threads.

Awful

You can’t “save your marriage”, only yourself.

And he is probably a wee bit down bless him.

He got found out, he's been forced back into just being with you.

He misses her.

And I know exactly what you should be doing to help him....

I'll help you construct a huge beautiful bow for the purpose if you like.

OP I think you are in complete and utter denial. He’s done an absolute number on you and you are scrambling to fix things that you have literally no control over or responsibility for. Your kids need you. You husband is not good and will fuck you over again for whatever whim. I’m sorry you are face with this but you have to face it! Not hide from it. Good luck.

I have asked for the post to be removed as I feel like I am being hounded by unhelpful trolls who aren’t actually supporting me.

So trolls are people who don't say :

"OMG you have an amazing husband ?"

Yes he likely is GRIEVING his long affair with his mistress . He is also probably assessing his life right now - what does he want to do ? You? Her ? He is mulling life over . Regardless of what you do he may well still leave you . He has had another life and he may still yearn for it . My advice is get rid of him before he leaves you . Take control . He is a shit husband and he is not a good person .

I bet he wasn't depressed when he was getting away with his infidelity.

You are deluded blaming the majority of this on the OW. Your husband betrayed you for 7 years. He did it because he wanted to, not for any other reason.

You are 100% wasting your life and no doubt the reason he is staying with you is the financial price he'd pay if you split. What a catch you have there.

Op My ex led a double life for about 6 months. He worked away and lived a life as a single bloke with OW. He was actually living with her while I thought he was in hotels and 'their' friends considered them a couple. When I found out he left for a few weeks and then returned while we decided what to do for the best. He finished with OW, not because he wanted to but because he realised he couldn't get away with having his cake and eating it any longer. So over the period of a few months at home he became morose and I eventually realised that he didn't love me any more. I don't think he loved OW either but he was just like a child who had been 'forced' to give up something he wanted. I told him to go back to her, he insisted he didn't want to but his behaviour was saying otherwise. OP, your husband doesn't love you. It's terribly sad and terribly brutal but it is what it is. Let him go

I think the OP doesn’t want to lose her lifestyle (large house with swimming pool and he brings in a total salary of £110,000 when joined with her part-time salary). She is clinging on no matter the costs. This was all discovered in February/March time and the advice was all the same then. The OP didn’t want to listen then yet here she is back almost a year later. And her husband is still grieving for his mistress.
I also read in your previous posts that your child witnessed him assault you. The OP will not leave ever no matter the costs.

Sorry OP, but even though you want your marriage to work it will always be at your expense. Your husband is drowning in his guilt, embarrassment over the 7yr affair with a complete bunny boiler, he allowed this to happen, and now needs to agree to seek individual counselling and couples counselling for your marriage " to be working " without this step you will be living in this limbo forever, no man is worth that, your children and you deserve better. 🌹

7 years! I know people who have been married and divorced twice in that time frame. OP you are deluding yourself. How do you expect this guy to love somebody who has so little self respect? He doesnt love you or respect you, he is probably only staying around as he is scared of the financial impact of leaving. And he is having counselling cos he is grieving for what he probably feels is the loss of the true love of his life. GRIM.

Tara, that’s bloody disturbing and if money’s that important to OP it’s shameful, what a toxic situation and poor kid(s) caught up in it all, just vile