Husband had an affair - mental health?

[40andscrewed]

I found out earlier this year that my husband had been having a ‘years long’ affair with a close friend. He did leave me and our two children (under the age of eight) for a couple of weeks and then ended it with his mistress and came home.

Since then we have been trying to heal. He refuses counselling from the very beginning. I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. Twice I have cancelled appointments for myself out of fear he’d find out and think that we weren’t ‘working’.

But the past two to three months, he has grown distant. He’s quiet, snappy etc. I have noticed that he has shown a lot of signs of a ‘mid-life crisis’ and recently he’s gone berserk with buying antique and old furniture online.

Then I found it. A phone number. It was on a piece of paper that belonged to him from the GP after a recent visit about a condition he has been diagnosed with. I googled it and it’s a NHS support service for depression, anxiety and low mood.

I won’t lie, it startled me. The man who said no to counselling, the man who several times has denied anything wrong with him when I asked him during his quiet and withdrawn moments has seemingly contacted or is going to contact support services for his mental health.

Part of me is glad he’s dealing with this as I firmly believe it’s been brewing for a few years going by what he’s told me regarding the affair. But also I am scared.

I know he told this ‘parasite’ who was his mistress that he loved her - at least twice. I am thinking is he depressed over regrets of ending their relationship or is it guilt because of what he did?

My friends say not to confront him it but equally I want to considering her persuaded me for months not to go to counselling and here he is, possibly hiding the fact that HE is attending sessions he denied me.

Any advice appreciated about how to handle this.

How to handle this ?

Have a good long think about why you think clinging on to a lying, cheating man is all you deserve.

His GP will probably have given him the info, it doesn't mean he's acted on it himself. Men in general can be less open to talking therapies, as society tells them not to talk about their feelings.

I would say to him that you've found the number. Ask him about it and he might open up. Hugs xxxxx

interestedwoman thank you.

I really want to tell him that I know about the number but afraid it will push him away.
He comes from a family where ‘feelings’ etc were brushed under the carpet (elderly parents, conservative family etc) as was his own mothers mental health in which she was committed decades ago...

I know he tried to end the affair many times which is no excuse considering he made an active choice to engage that very first time...and for that he’s apologised many times and accepts responsibility for it. I also know that when he did try to end it, she would hurt herself and then tell him. He often felt trapped. I was oblivious to it all at the time but looking back, signs were there and signs he really wanted to let go.

It’s a huge mess and so much to the ‘story’ as such there isn’t the time or space to tell it.

I always believe that people deserve a second chance. He’s on his now which he knows it’s his last chance too.

He’s on his now which he knows it’s his last chance too.

Nothing you’ve written suggests that this is his last chance. He knows that.

What sort of marriage is it where one person keeps things like therapy and counselling a secret, and the other is too scared to talk to them about it?

It's quite obvious to us ( and him) that no way is he on his "last chance"

You can't even talk to him about what you have discovered in case you "push him away"

You are,walking on egg shells when he is the one that has done wrong

And purrlease he stayed with the OW because she hurt herself ? That bollocks is up there in the top 10 of shit that cheaters chat to fool people that none of it is their fault. He tried so many times to end his fun fucking OW. Yeah right. And you swallowed that.

He's on Easy Street and he knows it

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must have been so painful to witness dh leaving for ow. Him choosing to return would have brought an element of confusion. The affair went on for a year - this needs to be addressed. Without counselling I am unsure how you can even begin to heal individually let alone in your marriage.

How did you discover the affair?
Did dh beg to return?
Did you lay out your expectations?
Why did he and ow split up?

Help him.....

by moving him into a flat on his own... sorted

What the fuck are you doing referring to other human beings as parasites?

I stand by my decision to refer AP as a parasite.

She came into my life as a friend WHILST screwing with my husband for years WHILST spending weekends with us on day trips, WHILST accepting mine and my extended family’s hospitality - especially at Christmas time when her own mother supposedly wouldn’t have her which was in fact a lie - WHILST agreeing to go on weekend breaks with us and annual holidays and other family events. Of course this was with her own husband too who she betrayed for five long years. She knew what she was going. She admitted she was jealous of me. She admitted she wanted my husband and has done for years. She betrayed me and my family as well as two innocent little children. She told everyone the day after my husband went to her that she was giving me less than 50% share of our joint assets to quote “but a little house round the corner” whilst she moved into my family home with my husband, my kids and my mother in law.

A parasite IS what she is.

I am not even sorry if that offends you. Walk my shoes, feel my wrath. End of.

@40andscrewed your husband allowed her to become part of the family while he was making love to her and telling her he loved her?

For five years, OP.

Your husband allowed this woman to be around your children. Your husband allowed this woman to blend in with the family, whilst sitting back and watching.

I am sure the OP is more than aware her H has been an absolute shit. She is perfectly entitled to call a woman who posed as a friend for a good period of time whilst messing with her husband anything she likes.

Thank you user1479305498 Much appreciate your support and to faith50

Seven years she masqueraded as my friend whilst she engaged in a sordid affair with my husband. I can call her what I want. And will continue to do so. She knew what she was doing (as did he) but she had an agenda whereas he didn’t. He was a fucking shore husband but whereas I am trying to heal what was wrong with us that led him to make shit decisions (his wrong doing not mine and he knows this too) I don’t have any loyalty to that whore and I can vent my anger at her as I feel fit.

I am well aware of my husbands responsibility in this. As is he. He’s apologised so along times and accepted his wrong doing in all this. He knows there is no excuse BUT there are always reasons to a persons actions.

My original post focuses more on how to deal with the fact he seems to have pursued help with his ‘depression’ - NOT asking for help in terms of ending my marriage. I find that quite unhelpful, offensive and rude. I will continue to ignore anyone who tells me to end my marriage no matter how ‘helpful’ they are believe they are being.

He thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants basically. He shagged about for years behind your back, left you, and you waited for his return open armed

The cynic in me thinks he may have left the number out on purpose as he knows something this small will have u falling over yourself to make excuses for him.

Getting back to my original post:

Any advice regarding handling the revelation that my husband is seemingly seeking mental health support eight months after the affair ended???

Your husband sounds like an absolute bastard of the highest order. It’s hard to see why you’ve stayed with him, let alone why on Earth you are tiptoeing around his depression.

If he wanted to heal your marriage, he would be doing everything in his power to be open, honest, transparent. Instead he is being moody and sneaky and still calling all the shots.

Are you sure the affair is over?

In answer to your question, OP - why don’t you ask him? Nobody else can tell you why he is still lying and hiding things from you.

You have no evidence that he is seeking mental health support, he just had a number from the GP. If he is, then surely he's just lying to you yet again. You say he's rude, snippy etc. Going mad buying chairs, lies and cheats, sorry what are his good qualities OP, having a penis? 😂

What revelation? Maybe he's not even going to end up using the therapist? Nothing interesting there. Either ask him about it or don't, that's up to you.

He betrayed you. He isn’t even really sorry - except for sorry for himself.

She’s obviously a nasty piece of work but him? He’s worse - so take all your fury and sorrow and put it where it belongs. On him.

If he has been diagnosed with something recently sometimes that can give a person a fright and perhaps that’s what’s made him consider using the phone number the doctor has given him.

However you don’t know if he has phoned and presumably there is no sign if antidepressants in the bathroom cabinet. Or hidden around the house. So he probs has refused antidepressants, is not considering your feelings (again) and growling around the house like he’s the only one with a problem. He’s making it yours too by his attitude.

And while I understand his reluctance to change from how he’s always been, not talking about feelings, what’s done to us as children can be changed I’m later life. He is making a deliberate choice to not change because he doesn’t want to. He thinks it’s perfectly fine to grump about. Perhaps he doesn’t realise he is doing it. Or perhaps he doesn’t care.

Sorry OP but there is a lack of closeness between you not only because of what he’s done but now because if his refusal to talk about feelings as that would draw you together. He sounds old fashioned.

Are you sure he thinks he’s made the right decision? He may be regretting his choice. That may be what’s eating him up, that he doesn’t want to be with you at all. Sorry OP. I think antidepressants for him and talking honestly is the only way forward. Whether to you or a councillor. I wouldn’t put up with his bs otherwise and I’d be turning him out, sorry OP. You deserve better

This sounds a mess, you need communication between you, he sounds resentful and miserable, you sound confused, why can’t you speak openly to each other?

faith50

He ended it due to ‘feelings’. Left after 36 hours of backtracking three times.

Found out the extent of the affair (7 years) three days later. Didn’t tell him I knew.

Filed for divorce. He wanted back. Spent 25 hours texting constantly. He came home. He seemed ill. Scared of her. Had to send a friend with him to retrieve stuff. She became violent. Police almost called. He came home.

Six weeks of the story being told. I was aghast at how much I had ‘missed’ and didn’t realise. Nobody did once they knew.

The reason he split was because she threatened to tell me after he refused her. She had ‘found someone else’ - another married man with kids - and when she told him hoping to make him jealous, it backfired. So she made a threat. When he told me and I said straight away that my marriage vows stuck, it made him backtrack and that night she sent the following:
“I have hurt myself but I have people around me to stop me from killing myself” - it was, as I found out, a usual trick that had become regular over the last two years.

His reasons for going are pathetic but nevertheless they are his reasons and at the time he believed to be the only decision he had.

After six weeks I asked him how he felt and he was relieved it was out in the open and over. Once he knew I knew, he felt like he could be honest without fear of reprisals.

I had to give him the chance to be honest. Nobody, no matter how wrong they are, wants to lose something that’s important to them.

We have come so far in eight months. I am hoping his ‘seeking’ of mental health support is because of guilt and not remorse for leaving her.

atrociouscircumstance I totally get where you are coming from BUT if I want to heal and fix my marriage, I have to look forward not backwards. Getting angry and making him ‘pay’ isn’t moving on. That’s being stuck in the past.

eleiza I will get back to what you have said. 😊

I think you've jumped the gun a bit op. There's nothing to suggest he is seeking mh support. There are no letters or appointment cards.

I think the bigger issue here is that you don't feel able to seek mh support yourself for fear of him finding out. Discovering infidelity is deeply traumatic and I'm concerned you don't feel able to access support. You must prioritise your own self now.