Child maintenance

[Justaordinarybloke]

Recently split from partner (her call not mine 15yrs not married 3 girls). I have moved back to my mothers whilst ex lives in our home (joint mortgage).I am not paying anything towards the house as I'm not living there and she agrees with that. I am paying child maintenance worked out on the csa calculator. My problem is I don't have enough left from my wage to move on and find a place of my own, left with less than 400 a month after possible rent to pay bills and feed myself. We had the house valued recently and was a lot less than I expected (was hoping from decent share of equity to use as a deposit to buy a house as I'm desperately trying to avoid renting, I'm 44 so this is my last realistic chance of getting on the property ladder). What happens when you simply can't afford to pay her in order to live? After xmas I'm going to try and buy her out of the house but let her stay in it till summer holidays (enough time for me to save enough) she doesn't work so can't get a mortgage or buy me out. She will get help with rent on a house. The mortgage is cheaper than rent, will probably have no disposable income once everything paid but will at least have a home of my own. Surely there is some sort of help or options out there? What would have happened if she left me with the house to run with bills, mortgage and childcare costs more than my wage?

No jaques he isnt but a few posters are suggesting he should be and a lot of men do.

Wow @ raising children. A lot of us do that and work. Imagine that.

Lol at me being an MRA because i have a different opinion than you. Im just not a poor little woman who entirely relies on a man. Nor would i expect dp to give up everything if we split. Funny how the equality we all want goes out the window when it comes to divorce.

You still havent advised where you think op should get all this money from though have you?

Oh and never once did i describe it as "life if Riley" i imagine its pretty shit to not work and live off your ex & benefits until you get around to stopping commiting tax evasion, yes.

I wouldnt want to be in her position but shes certainly got it easier than she would have if she had to move out and rent.

A lot of us do that and work. Imagine that

You see how threads work is respond to the info in the OP rather than creating straw men. In the OP’s set up, the ex is a SAHM - I’m assuming on discussion as it was what worked for the family. I mean the OP himself says his role is incompatible with finding childcare - I’m assuming therefore his ex did all that.

Im just not a poor little woman who entirely relies on a man

Who is? Unless you’re saying being a SAHM hasn’t been valuable for the OP’s family set up?

Nor would i expect dp to give up everything if we split

Who has suggested the man should?

Funny how the equality we all want goes out the window when it comes to divorce

Well if by equality you mean take what one would be legally entitled to...

@Bollykecks OP is literally saying he can't have his children 50/50 because he has to work. In the next breath he is saying that his ex works but he still expects her to do all the childcare. No equality there.

If he can't do 50/50 then he will have to suck it up and pay maintenance.

OP, are you saying that you and your wife were committing fraud by her working cash in hand and not declaring it?

jacques just because his role means ges not available for childcare doesnt mean she needs to be sahm. Presumably thats her choice.

I dont know whether that choice is valuable or not. I dont know them.

A lot of people on this thread have suggested op gives up his home...

She would be legally entitled to probably about half. Keeping the whole house isnt half, is it?

Yes wax if he cant do 50/50 he should pay maintenance. Ive not once suggested he shouldn't but i dont agree that he should also pay the mortgage or just give up the house.

She would be legally entitled to probably about half. Keeping the whole house isnt half, is it?

Various factors would come into play - the reason these measures are in place is to, quite rightly, protect both parties.

just because his role means ges not available for childcare doesnt mean she needs to be sahm. Presumably thats her choice

Oh maybe it was their choice as a family?

You can’t in one breath say “oh it’s totally acceptable that his job means he can’t do childcare” then imply the ex is somehow at fault for not working and providing childcare.

He either had the kids 50/50 or pays the maintenance he appears reluctant to spend. His call.

Well if he legitimately cant do childcare because he starts earlier than a CM or nursery opens then what can he do about that? Other than get a new job?

Maybe it was their choice or maybe it was hers we dont know do we?

What we do know is that either way she must of been happy with that because she could have chosen to get a job. She presumably was not forced to be a sahm.

Again ive never said he shouldn't pay maintenance.

I suspect both of them are tax evading and getting cash in hand. She isn’t a SAHM at all but appears to be an unregistered childminder.

I don’t understand where the children will be living when he buys her out and leaves her homeless.

What we do know is that either way she must of been happy with that because she could have chosen to get a job

Actually we don’t. All we know is she became a SAHM. It may well be that it was because working wasn’t worth the childcare cost. It may have been she also worked a job not compatible with childcare timings etc.

All we can do is comment on what the OP says.

Other than get a new job?

Pretty much - isn’t that what people do when circumstances change and their current lifestyle isn’t compatible with their responsibilities?

I don’t understand where the children will be living when he buys her out and leaves her homeless

Why will she be homeless? Is there something preventing her from renting like millions of other people or?

Yes, he could get a new job and maybe he will.... i certainly would if it was the difference between losing my house or not.

If you are not going through the cms why estimate? Wouldn't it be better if you paid the mortgage every month ? Everyone on here is going on about money all the time I work full time bla bla bla. It's just life! We have to do what we have to do. Like I said in my previous post sometimes it's better not to receive money for your dcs as you can keep your dignity and self worth. I struggled with my children a lot untill I got a work at home job. Nights when I couldn't afford to heat my home also many times I gave my meal to my dcs as they were still hungry after theits. My point is its not always about money it's about sacrifice and love and stability. My advice to op is do all you can that doesn't revolve around money. Although paying the mortgage will help your DCs and you and your ex and buy fruit and veg for them and little things as little things can have a big impact. Stay in contact with your ex and talk to her without animositys. Sounds like you are a caring dad and I wish you all the best.

Get another job ...lts so easy to walk out of 1 secure job straight into another....wow if only I knew that. Reluctant to pay child maintenance...I have not once said I am, I accept my responsibility to pay. I earn above minimum wage but by a very small margin, currently below the new minimum wage been promised by our next government.

If you don’t pay anything towards the house/mortgage because you’re not living there and she works ‘cash in hand’ (though you did also describe her as not working?) how is she paying for everything on her own? What sort of money does she earn?

fedup presumably shes recieving benefits for herself and 3 children??

And if she works cash in hand and isnt declaring it her benefits wont be reduced so presumably she wont be that badly off.

OP, your latest update suggests that your ex fully expects the family home to be sold because she can't afford it, and wouldn't be accepted for a mortgage anyway, on her salary.

In that case, it does indeed make sense for you to buy her out. You hold on to a home you like, your children have a home that is familiar to them, and your ex sells quickly and without unnecessary estate agency costs.

To pp suggesting that his ex is in a strong position because she was a SAHM : I think you must be reading a different thread. His ex will shortly lose her home and presumably move to something more modest or in a less desirable area. She is also having to retrain so that she can work as soon as the youngest starts school. All she will take from the marriage is CM from op, which represents a fair % of what it costs to raise her children. She will be a single mum to 3 young children, working full time, with a modest lump sum from the house.

Everybody suffers when there isn't enough money to go around. It isn't reasonable to suggest that op pays her mortgage to protect the children if that means he can't house himself. The legal system strives for parity, and expects both parties to be housed.

How much do you earn and how much maintenance are you paying OP?

itsme well yes because thats what theyve agreed. I was saying shed do well if op did what posters suggested and paid the mortgage and let her live their indefinitely.

I cant get upset about her becoming a single mum by choice, though. Lots of people are single parents not by choice and get nothing, no maintenance or equity.

Everybody suffers when there isn't enough money to go around

Agreed. Its harder to run 2 seperate households than one joint one thats for sure.

I think this OP is being flexible with the facts as it suits him. We know he was happy to have his partners undeclared income and presumably the tax credits etc that they claimed due to her “not working” but then in the OP declares she doesn’t work before later throwing in that she works cash in hand. So she doesn’t work when it suits him, then does work when it suits him. I would take everything else he says with a pinch of salt.

That makes her as bad as him if not worsr but we still look at her as the poor woman left with nothing by the bad bad man.

Why respond if you dont believe the op?

I haven’t looked at her as “the poor woman”. (Are you projecting here? Your comments are weird) I’m saying take what he says with a pinch of salt as he is being flexible with the facts. You can disagree if you like, you don’t get to say who can respond to the thread.

How am i projecting when im in a totally different situation? Do you know what projecting means?

Im not telling you not to respond but if you think its a load of shit anyway i dont get why youd bother responding anyway!

We dont know what the truth is we can only go on what op says. Same goes for every single thread