Child maintenance

[Justaordinarybloke]

Recently split from partner (her call not mine 15yrs not married 3 girls). I have moved back to my mothers whilst ex lives in our home (joint mortgage).I am not paying anything towards the house as I'm not living there and she agrees with that. I am paying child maintenance worked out on the csa calculator. My problem is I don't have enough left from my wage to move on and find a place of my own, left with less than 400 a month after possible rent to pay bills and feed myself. We had the house valued recently and was a lot less than I expected (was hoping from decent share of equity to use as a deposit to buy a house as I'm desperately trying to avoid renting, I'm 44 so this is my last realistic chance of getting on the property ladder). What happens when you simply can't afford to pay her in order to live? After xmas I'm going to try and buy her out of the house but let her stay in it till summer holidays (enough time for me to save enough) she doesn't work so can't get a mortgage or buy me out. She will get help with rent on a house. The mortgage is cheaper than rent, will probably have no disposable income once everything paid but will at least have a home of my own. Surely there is some sort of help or options out there? What would have happened if she left me with the house to run with bills, mortgage and childcare costs more than my wage?

Yeah currently cheese but that can’t continue, there’s three kids and he needs somewhere to house them so very soon he will have to have a high rent payment. Did you not read the OP. He can’t stay at his mums forever so is looking for a workable solution which means he needs to do the sums on every scenario not just the current one.

I go to work before they even get up to get ready for school and I get home after they get home from school mon-fri that is no weak excuse it's a fact. Have you not heard of stay at home mum? Exactly what there mother is. Also I don't have my own place yet so where are they supposed to sleep? In the shed? I like the way I'm been made out the bad guy by most on here. I can handle that I just find it amusing tbh. Nobody knows me on a personal level, if you did you would know I'm trying to be the best dad I can and 110% behind them. I didn't want any of what has happened and dealing with it the best I can. The pain & stress I am going through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I've spoken to a solicitor regarding the house and equity. His advice don't give her any money other than child maintenance. Equity: 50/50. Is say she ended up paying 10k of the mortgage thats an extra 10k in equity I would have to pay her half

I'm doing as much as I can with them now as I won't have any disposable income once I get somewhere of my own. Once I do I plan to have them stay 1-2 nights (probably most fri & sat nights) .

I go to work before they even get up to get ready for school and I get home after they get home from school mon-fri that is no weak excuse it's a fact.

Yeah that’s normal for lots of single parents. They use childcare. If you wanted to do 50/50- you working full time wouldn’t be an obstacle.

Have you not heard of stay at home mum? Exactly what there mother is.

No. She works too. You said so yourself.

I like the way I'm been made out the bad guy by most on here.

Your comments about keeping maintenance to a minimum even if your salary increases is what’s making you out to be the bad guy.

What do you want people to say? It's totally fine to not pay the bare minimum for your children so you can buy yourself a house? It's ok to not have shared custody because you work full time (despite many, many people doing that and having to cope) ?
Your ex has to do the bulk of childcare, she has to do the day to day drama of being a parent on a reduced income now and even though you didn't choose to end the relationship, you did choose to have children and they shouldn't suffer because of the relationship breaking down.

No one wins in the situation and it's sad

Lets get the violin out

it's like a taxi driver charging you more because you earn more

Wow, you’re a class act.

You’re talking about your three children, their well-being, and lifestyle.

Also the more you earn the more you pay is wrong, should be 1 fixed rate per child, it its £77 per child it should stay £77 not more because you earn more, it's like a taxi driver charging you more because you earn more.

The reason it is a set percentage of the wage is to make sure the children do not have a dramatically reduced amount of finance for their day to day living.
One child may take £77 and that could cover a good majority of their expenses.
Another child may be from a more privalaged background so only £77 would be a massive hardship for the child.

It's an attempt at a making fair system to make sure the child doesn't suffer a loss in their standard of living.

If you can afford to offer to buy her out of the house/mortgage then I’m sure you can afford to live after the maintenance payments.

You sound like a treat.

You should technically be paying toward the mortgage, but whatever.

Get a better job

actually had to check you weren't my ex, the details were so similar. Stop trying to kick your kids out of their house.

" I have said if she can't afford the mortgage I'm moving back in....she insists I'm not but I've told her I am as I'm not having defaults on mortgage."

Get a deed of trust that states that she is responsible for payments on the mortgage going forward. You should be contributing to the mortgage anyway, you're liable and responsible. And don't move back in. That's horrible and controlling.

And wow... £77 per child. Do you only pay £230 a month child maintenance?

Christ...

Once I do I plan to have them stay 1-2 nights (probably most fri & sat nights)

So your ex will do the grunt work through the week, manage juggling work and childcare and then you’ll have them both weekend nights?

EOW and at least one night during the week is more usual (and fair!)

So you are saying £230 a month is bleeding you dry and you will only have £280ish a month to live on. So you as one person will have £50 more than three kids? I don’t believe your figures because if you are paying that much you will have more income. Where will the kids live if you buy her out? You won’t be able to have them as you are working. Are you expecting taxpayers to subsidise her housing?

My ds has his son 3 days one week and 4 days the alternate week. He uses child care and also pays £200 per month child maintenance. What you are paying soun ds quite low.

I think the main issue here is that you only earn about £1,200(I’m guessing??) per month takehome, and you are trying to run 2 households on this.

Most people earning your wage would just have a room in a flat-share, and will not be attempting to buy their own property (with the space for 3 x DC to stay over) PLUS pay maintenance to their former partner.

Can’t you see why the maths is never going to add up?

So you are saying £230 a month is bleeding you dry and you will only have £280ish a month to live on.

No he’s saying he will only have £400ish to live on. Someone else said the government says £280 is enough to live on.

From the OP
My problem is I don't have enough left from my wage to move on and find a place of my own, left with less than 400 a month after possible rent to pay bills and feed myself.

Tbf to the OP, for most driving jobs it's early starts at 5:30-6am and I don't know any creches that open before 7:30am!

I'm confused on how you were affording living when you were together if you earn so little and she's a SAHM?
Surely paying the mortgage, bills and bringing up 3 kids cost even more?

You work 40 hours a week but earn less than minimum wage? Are you an apprentice?

Also the more you earn the more you pay is wrong, should be 1 fixed rate per child, it its £77 per child it should stay £77 not more because you earn more, it's like a taxi driver charging you more because you earn more.

OP, i agree with you that 50/50 would be unwise in your circumstances. Your unpredictable working hours would make childcare very difficult. It sounds like their lives will be much happier with their mum and a clear routine.

So your options are to look for a job that's more conducive to parenthood and pursue 50/50, or accept that some of your salary must be paid in child maintenance even if that leaves you short.

Buying her out of the house seems like a bad idea. If you can't afford to pay rent somewhere, how will you pay the mortgage?

If you are saying that the mortgage is cheaper than paying rent for a similar house, and that you want the security of owning, then your ex will feel exactly the same and would be a fool to move out. Why would she? And why would you want to uproot the dc from their home, friends, school?

I suspect the only way that she will sell is if she can't afford to pay the mortgage. Or the building society does not allow her to take over the mortgage by herself.

If the building society doesn't allow you to remove your name, or the courts compel you to leave it on the mortgage, then you will struggle to get a mortgage anyway because it will be for a second home. Certainly the interest rates will be unfavourable.

It is heartbreaking when there isn't enough money to go around after a divorce. Very common for both parties to take a financial hit.

Not only is she a stay at home mum she works from home (cash in hand) as a nanny (fully qualified) that's how we have got by although this caused some bickering as I always said she needs a job where she is paying tax NI and pension. Soo she will be legally self employed once shes done the courses she has chosen through universal credits meeting but that won't enable her to get me of the mortgage (3yrs books needed in self employment). She realises we have to sell but doesn't want to for at least another 6 months. I should be able to save enough to offer her her share of equity (equity a lot less than I expected it to be) which is why I will make her a offer and allo her to stay till summer holidays. Neither of us is going to leave the area we are in, close to both.the schools the girls are in. She knows she will get help financially with a house (plenty available as we are next to new build where ppl buy to LET) which will also be better for her and the girls as none of their friends live near us since we moved a yr ago though close enough for my oldest to walk to. Also my ex will be even closer to my 2 youngest school which will be a major help as once the car is gone (which she can't do without at the moment) she wouldn't be able to nanny without car. The separation has turned my life upside down, I still love her (15 great yrs together) so I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained by all this, it has made me realise why suicide is high amongst men in similar situations but luckily I have a good network of friends and family and strong enough to go down that route even though it has entered my head. Who knows what the future holds, maybe once things are all settled there might be a way back for us? Things are still raw to know yet.

itsbetter as a parent with 3 kids they prob got tax credits or UC. At least cb for 3 kids.
He wont get anything now. He probably is worse off or will be when renting.

I think this weird expectation for men to walk away with nothing because "the kids" doesnt actually help anyone.

It genuinely leaves men in a shit position wherein theyre paying a mortgage for house they dont live in and then are only able to rent or buy something without enough bedrooms for their kids for example. They then get berated for that. Id love to know where all these posters think op should get all his money from.

I know if me and dp split id struggle to move out pay half our mortgage plus child support and also rent a 2 bed in a safe area for my child to stay. Im a woman so it is unlikely to ever happen but i can understand it would be hard.

We ponder why all these men are reluctant to get married. I can see why. Essentially your wife being A SAHM just ensures she gets looked after if you split and you pay for it. As much as maintenance is for the children the ex massively benefits it too.

It genuinely leaves men in a shit position wherein theyre paying a mortgage for house they dont live in and then are only able to rent or buy something without enough bedrooms for their kids for example

He isn’t paying towards the mortgage.

Essentially your wife being A SAHM just ensures she gets looked after if you split and you pay for it. As much as maintenance is for the children the ex massively benefits it too

She’s done the majority of the child raising and is still doing courses to enable her to be employed.

I knew an MRA would pop by to discuss the life of riley a single mother lives on the maintenance from the poor dad