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Original poster

Child maintenance

118 replies

Justaordinarybloke · 23/11/2019 10:38

Recently split from partner (her call not mine 15yrs not married 3 girls). I have moved back to my mothers whilst ex lives in our home (joint mortgage).I am not paying anything towards the house as I'm not living there and she agrees with that. I am paying child maintenance worked out on the csa calculator. My problem is I don't have enough left from my wage to move on and find a place of my own, left with less than 400 a month after possible rent to pay bills and feed myself. We had the house valued recently and was a lot less than I expected (was hoping from decent share of equity to use as a deposit to buy a house as I'm desperately trying to avoid renting, I'm 44 so this is my last realistic chance of getting on the property ladder). What happens when you simply can't afford to pay her in order to live? After xmas I'm going to try and buy her out of the house but let her stay in it till summer holidays (enough time for me to save enough) she doesn't work so can't get a mortgage or buy me out. She will get help with rent on a house. The mortgage is cheaper than rent, will probably have no disposable income once everything paid but will at least have a home of my own. Surely there is some sort of help or options out there? What would have happened if she left me with the house to run with bills, mortgage and childcare costs more than my wage?

OP posts:
sittingonacornflake · 23/11/2019 18:32

I'm sorry but paying maintenance which is the absolute minimum amount and in no way reflective of the true cost of raising children is your priority here. You had three children so now you have to live with the financial consequences of it. And if that means you have to stay with your parents longer to save, get a second job or rent somewhere cheaper in a less desirable area then so be it. Those children are the priority here, not you. Sorry that sounds harsh but it's the way it is. Imagine if mum also tried to cut corners on providing for your children - what would happen to them then?

Original poster
Justaordinarybloke · 23/11/2019 20:48

Because I work full time I can't have the kids 50/50 or I would. I have said if she can't afford the mortgage I'm moving back in....she insists I'm not but I've told her I am as I'm not having defaults on mortgage.

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 23/11/2019 20:51

Because I work full time I can't have the kids 50/50 or I would.

Confused

How on Earth do you think other full time workers manage? What a weak excuse.

Original poster
Justaordinarybloke · 23/11/2019 20:54

The whole system is shambles. We are not using csa but used the calculator to work.put how much. The annoying part is they work it out before your tax and NI is deducted not what you actually take home. Also the more you earn the more you pay is wrong, should be 1 fixed rate per child, it its £77 per child it should stay £77 not more because you earn more, it's like a taxi driver charging you more because you earn more.

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 23/11/2019 20:57

It increases with your income because the government think it’s fair enough that a child’s standard of living reflects that of their NRP just as it would if the parent still lived with them. A child with both parents together would benefit from one parent getting a pay increase- so why shouldn’t a child with parents who are separated benefit from a parents pay increase? Are you really saying you’d happily watch your salary grow and not share that with your children if you were given the choice? That’s a really unpleasant side of yourself you’re showing here. I can see why she ended it.

stucknoue · 23/11/2019 20:59

The money is for your kids not your ex, she will be expected to work to support herself. You pay as a percentage of your income, it's still not a true reflection of the cost of kids. My bills cost around £400 a month but that's for a large house, for a smaller place you should be able to afford it

PorpentinaScamander · 23/11/2019 21:02

Because I work full time I can't have the kids 50/50 or I would.

How the fuck do you think single parents manage? I work full time (well I did. Currently signed off sick) and have 2 children. Their Dad sees them for a whole 6 hours per week. What a shit excuse.

needsahouseboy · 23/11/2019 21:03

I’m a single parent and I work full time with no input from the father at all. Your excuse for not having them 50/50 is ridiculous

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 23/11/2019 21:04

Yep also working full time here with no input from DCs dad at all. Maybe it takes a woman to do it. Wink

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 21:05

You could consider 50/50 care so that no maintenance is due, but I think you would find that that ultimately costs you more

Not always true. This line is always peddled out but having been rp and nrp for dss we spent less per week on him whilst he lived with us than we did in maintenance and that isnt because we didnt buy him stuff.. it just didnt cost us as much per week and that was 6 days a week not 50/50.

If you already have enough bedrooms it only costs you in extra food and things like uniform trips and pocket money (the latter 3 we already paid on top of maintenance anyway!)

snowball28 · 23/11/2019 21:10

I’d move back in to be honest, I’ve known lots of men in your situation and it’s not easy. You have a right to be in your home unless she legally forces you out with an occupation order.

I’d stay in the home and save literally every penny in preparation for moving out some time in the future.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 23/11/2019 21:15

If he moves back in he’ll have to pay half the mortgage whereas currently he’s living rent free at his mums.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 21:18

Yes cheesecake but hed have a claim on his half when the house gets sold.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/11/2019 21:22

I dont think CSA should be a fixed amount per child, just a minimum amount. Why should a really rich person not pay more towards their child, as they would if they were still together with their childs mother?

Some ideas

  • stay as amicable as you can be with your ex. Come up with a plan together. This might include
  • wait til spring/ after brexit to put the house on the market when you'll get more for it
  • move into as cheap accommodation as possible eg bedsit, shared house etc until you sell the house. See the kids at hers if she will agree
  • if this isn't possible then get a lodger, if you're in a city you may be able to find someone who only wants a weekday room then you can see your kids on weekends
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 23/11/2019 21:27

He still has a claim on his half bolly. He’s on the mortgage and the house will be in joint names.

Stressedout10 · 23/11/2019 21:33

What a prince among men you are @Justaordinarybloke
I can't imagine why anyone would leave you🤔

Yourenotthebossofmenow · 23/11/2019 21:35

I think the biggest issue is stability for the children. If she is the main carer then it's best not to change that right away. If she is looking after the children Mon to Fri and workwise you can't do weekdays then you are looking at having some weekend time with them? So you surely wouldn't want to put them out of their home?

Ideally long term you want them to have a family home with each of you. It just might be possible immediately.

I think you need a short term plan so the amount of change isn't overwhelming for them. And then maybe in a year look at the long term.

Could you reasonably give her a year or two to get into a position where she is earning a higher income? If one of the DC hasn't yet started school maybe two years would be realistic. Then consider the mortgage/assets at that point?

Yourenotthebossofmenow · 23/11/2019 21:37

It just might be possible immediately. Sorry that should be not possible immediately.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/11/2019 21:39

Why should it be a fixed rate per child? So for example a man who is a millionaire could get away with paying a tiny amount, leaving his ex who is earning minumum wage and his children struggling?

Any decent man would not want to see his children living in poverty if he was well off.

snowball28 · 23/11/2019 21:40

I know that cheese but he wouldn’t have the maintenance bill and high rent payment. He’d just have to share costs of household and children bills equally then he could save the rest and make a more concrete sensible plan for the future.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 21:44

cheesecake he wont have a claim on owt she pays while hes not there

goodluckhun · 23/11/2019 21:46

Furious tbh that men think it's ok to even complain about paying bare minimum for the children they helped create. Sorry you can't live like a king or buy a house right now but your children didn't ask for this break up and your responsibility should be on ensuring their lives are disrupted as little as possible.
Your ex is doing the bulk of childcare here - you yourself have said you can't as you work full time - someone has to look after them so be grateful she is.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 23/11/2019 21:49

but he wouldn’t have the maintenance bill and high rent payment.

He doesn’t pay high rent. He’s living with his mum. If he moved back in it would be half mortgage and bills and half whatever clothes/haircuts/school trips etc the DC need. Currently all he pays is minimum child maintenance.

he wont have a claim on owt she pays while hes not there

True but that’s because he’s not paying anything towards it- he’ll still have a claim on his share when it sells even if he’s not living there. He doesn’t lose all his claim to it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 21:51

but your children didn't ask for this break up

Neither did op but of course mum is totally blameless as usual

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 21:52

True but that’s because he’s not paying anything towards it- he’ll still have a claim on his share when it sells even if he’s not living there. He doesn’t lose all his claim to it

Yes i know but essentially the money he would be spending on maintenance would become his equity. Much more sensible from a purely financial perspective.