Work wife - too much flirting

[Topaz123]

So my husband has had a work wife for near on 4 years now. She gives me that gut feeling something wasn't right. She used to call him after work all the time, but I put my foot down and it stopped.

The work wife left her partner of 10 years to be with someone else at my husband's work. The guy she left to be with also had a long relationsgip and a child. I was so happy it wasn't my man she stole. But then they broke up last month.

Since then she rings my husband outside of work all the time. Usually to rant about the guy she just broke up with. She messaging my husband outside of all work hours too.

The horrible gut feeling has returned. I already have trust issues finding out a few ago my husband was speaking to other women on a fake account in inapproipate ways.

So I looked at the messages between my husband and his work wife. He calls her wife which really upsets me cause I'm his wife. He calls her flower, never calls me flower. They tell each other "love you" and "miss you" and joke about staying in the office alone for a night and watching a movie getting drunk. He stayed late with her the other night cause she had a break down about her break up when I asked him to come home on time as we needed to be somewhere.

Too me this is over the line and I think blurring the lines between a platonic harmless relationship to being flirty. Especially wheb my husband is being her shoulder to cry on about her recent break up.

I confronted him and told him I needed to a break, as i am not happy with the relationship they have. He told me it's just banter and begged me not to go as we also have a 6 month old daughter. He said he would cut off the close friendship or quit his job anything but loose me and his daughter. He said there is no attraction.

What do I do? I want him to leave his job as I don't want him near her. But he has worked so hard and just become a operations director and will soon be able to work from home full time giving him more time with our daughter.

But at the same time his work wife has just been promoted to customer service director so they still have to work closely with each other which I'm uncomfortable about.

I have met the work wife. She was lovely to me, but he's body language was as if she was his wife not me. Standing with her. Just looking at her and not me when talking to the two of us.

HELP

That’s so sad . I really feel for you.
I’d want to fucking kill him and her .
That’s probably not the advice you’re looking for, but you deserve far better than this dickhead.

I was so happy it wasn't my man she stole
Your husband isn’t a thing that can be stolen. He makes his own decisions.
This woman is not the problem - your husband is. Even if he left work and this woman, you’ve caught him talking to other women inappropriately on a fake profile. He is the one crossing the line.
I wouldn’t stick around if I were you.

Well he's not to be trusted really, is he?
I'd stick with the ultimatum's, he needs to cut her off, no excuses.
Your gut is telling you something and in this case from what you've written, it's an affair just waiting to happen, if it hasn't already.
Protect yourself and your dc and walk as soon as he go's back on his promise.

This is weird. I've worked in corporate environments for decades and while you see platonic relationships, this would suggest more to me. At the very least, they both seem too keen. This woman has form too!
I don't think I would he happy to have this situation continue and would probably ask for him to change jobs when possible.

He can use his experience to get a job elsewhere. He’s proven he can’t be trusted, how did you get past him talking to other women before?

He knows he has his actual wife and baby at home and what he’s risking with his “banter” so it’s a bit rich to now claim there’s nothing going on with a women he claims to love.

Emotional affair.
Telling each other they love one another? Miss you? Erm no way. Totally overstepping the boundary.
Like pp I agree, your husband can't be stolen, but he seems to be loving the attention atm.
I'd tread very very carefully op before this turns into a full blown affair if it hasn't already

I already have trust issues finding out a few ago my husband was speaking to other women on a fake account in inapproipate ways.

As I've often seen people point out on MN: you don't have trust issues, you have the issue that your husband's behaviour has not been trustworthy.

I also agree his behaviour with this woman is beyond dodgy. I have a sort of "work husband", and neither I nor he wouldn't dream of acting/talking like your H and his colleague are acting.

It must be so very difficult, but I think you have to show him real consequences. If you don't want to live a lifetime of feeling like this, you have to stick with your move to get rid of him. He may be capable of change, but he sure as hell won't do it if he thinks he can get away with having his cake and eating it like this.

My DH has a 'work wife' and he would never tell her he loves her/misses her. In fact they never even speak outside of work (I don't think he even has her number).
They have a laugh while they work together but that's it and the most personal their conversations get is about what movies they've watched recently.

Your DH is being totally inappropriate and I'm not surprised you're livid. Stick with the ultimatum. Her or you.

‘Work wife’ is a grim term! I wouldn’t be happy with that let alone the rest of the crap.

He’s totally crossed the boundaries of acceptable behavior with her. I would tell him the correspondence between them both needs to be strictly work related and nothing more. She shouldn’t be telling another woman he loves her whether it’s banter or not! It sounds like he’s actually got a crush on her and has been waiting around in the wings for her. Pathetic! Tell him to grow the hell up and put his actual wife first!

He said he would cut off the close friendship or quit his job anything but loose me and his daughter. He said there is no attraction.

Let him then! See if he sticks to his word..

There is no chance in hell I would be happy with my husband disrespecting me like this.

Your husband needs to end this relationship. He needs to tell her her constantly overbearing phone calls and texts and need for support is affecting his home life and quite rightly so. I’d be livid if one of my partners female work friends kept ringing and texting for advice and support outside working hours, encroaching on family time. He needs to put a stop to it, not necessarily ending his job but put them boundaries in place and show her where the line is and it shouldn’t be crossed.

Has she got any other friends inside/outside of work? Sounds to me she is a bit lonely but totally get that given her history you wouldn’t want her round your husband.

I would have contacted her myself, and told her to fuck off especially if she has form. Does she even know about you?

hmm, I have a 'work husband', at least that's what my colleagues call him. We have an excellent working relationship, rely on and trust each other, support each other and have each others backs. We have private jokes and spend quite a lot of time instant messaging on the office system.

BUT we don't have pet names, don't message outside work (except about the odd major sporting event), don't socialise outside work except with our families. I know and respect his wife.

I think we've got good, healthy boundaries whilst still being able to support each other.

Your husband and his colleague are overstepping the mark by a country mile.....

Once he's told someone else he loves them, your marriage is over, OP. Tell him to go - you can't trust him.

This behaviour is way out of line. He needs to change jobs really and grow the fuck up or you are set for some miserable years to come.

He will never stop cheating.

Leave now and build a better life for yourself and dc.

He needs to look for a new job, I would not accept anything else. In the meantime I’d be keeping his phone outside working hours.

Absolutely hate the phrase ‘work wife’. He has a wife - you. But he’s disrespecting you, repeatedly. First the inappropriate messaging and now zero fucks for you again whilst he carries on like a single man with this colleague of his. Yeah, she sounds dodgy, but there will be people willing to get with married people wherever you are. Your husband is the problem. He has no respect for you. He’s taking the absolute piss. It’s one thing letting things slide in your marriage and not making enough effort, but secret, inappropriate messaging and pretty much an emotional affair on top, that’d be game over for me.

What happened when you confronted him about the inappropriate messaging?

They tell each other "love you" and "miss you"

Sure, that's the way I talk to work-mates all the time.

There's obviously an affair here.

Fucking hell.

Your husbands having an affair and your only problem is how much contact they’re having

Your husband is completely and utterly making a mug out of you. Why are you happy to accept that?

It might not be physical yet but it definitely is a long term emotional affair.

'Work Wife'

Totally weird concept, what does a work wife do?

He told me it's just banter
This boils my piss.
Banter my fucking arse.
That word is used to make inappropriate contact seem harmless when it's not!

He said he would cut off the close friendship
Has he done this?
That's is his first step.
HE needs to tell her straight.
'This is inappropriate and affecting my marriage.
So any contact we have is about work only and in working hours.'
If he doesn't do that then it's pretty much game over.
Make sure you read the message before he sends it and watch him send it and then ensure you see her response.
Complete and utter openness on all devices from now on.
He does NOT stay late to comfort her.
I'm not sure what more you can do.
Quitting his job is extreme. But if the rest doesn't work then that is the next step.

Personally I think he has already crossed the line and there is absolutely no way I would be staying with him.