Work wife - too much flirting

[Topaz123]

So my husband has had a work wife for near on 4 years now. She gives me that gut feeling something wasn't right. She used to call him after work all the time, but I put my foot down and it stopped.

The work wife left her partner of 10 years to be with someone else at my husband's work. The guy she left to be with also had a long relationsgip and a child. I was so happy it wasn't my man she stole. But then they broke up last month.

Since then she rings my husband outside of work all the time. Usually to rant about the guy she just broke up with. She messaging my husband outside of all work hours too.

The horrible gut feeling has returned. I already have trust issues finding out a few ago my husband was speaking to other women on a fake account in inapproipate ways.

So I looked at the messages between my husband and his work wife. He calls her wife which really upsets me cause I'm his wife. He calls her flower, never calls me flower. They tell each other "love you" and "miss you" and joke about staying in the office alone for a night and watching a movie getting drunk. He stayed late with her the other night cause she had a break down about her break up when I asked him to come home on time as we needed to be somewhere.

Too me this is over the line and I think blurring the lines between a platonic harmless relationship to being flirty. Especially wheb my husband is being her shoulder to cry on about her recent break up.

I confronted him and told him I needed to a break, as i am not happy with the relationship they have. He told me it's just banter and begged me not to go as we also have a 6 month old daughter. He said he would cut off the close friendship or quit his job anything but loose me and his daughter. He said there is no attraction.

What do I do? I want him to leave his job as I don't want him near her. But he has worked so hard and just become a operations director and will soon be able to work from home full time giving him more time with our daughter.

But at the same time his work wife has just been promoted to customer service director so they still have to work closely with each other which I'm uncomfortable about.

I have met the work wife. She was lovely to me, but he's body language was as if she was his wife not me. Standing with her. Just looking at her and not me when talking to the two of us.

HELP

What the fuck is a 'work wife'?

His relationship with this woman is completely inappropriate at best. You do not tell work colleagues of the opposite sex you love them ffs! They know exactly what they are doing as well, they aren't children, they know full well it's innapropriate to say they love each other.

I'm sorry but if you have a close friend of the opposite sex where it's purely platonic you respect their relationship enough not to cross boundaries.

What the hell is a work wife???

Since when is it appropriate to tell a colleague that you love and miss them? I think I'm missing something about corporate life.

He's having an emotional affair with her if nothing else and is prioritising it over his marriage to you.
You could demand he stops speaking to her, leaves his job, whatever, but you'll just drive them underground.
I think you know what's going on and what you need to do.
I wouldn't sit back whilst my husband and another woman he loved and missed them that's for sure.

I have male colleagues I get on well with. I wouldn't say I love them or miss them. Because firstly, I don't, I love my DP. Secondly, Its weird. I don't even tell my best female friends I love them on a regular basis.

I also wouldn't call them a 'work husband' they are just friends.

Pretending it's a marriage elevates it above just being a normal fucking friendship, luke I have with many colleagues. It makes it something special, and if you have a partner why would you want to say someone else was your husband no matter how 'jokey'

@RichTwoTurkeyFriend I was literally going write the same message.

She is not the problem, he is....

In appropriate messages from a fake account???? That's not only cheating but catfishing.

@Topaz123 at best he's being unbelievably disrespectful, at worst he has cheated before (albeit emotionally) and is doing it again

Does that woman have any morals?

Sit him down explain to him exactly how you feel. If he brushes you off then tell him you're seriously uncomfortable and he has to start looking for a different job, or a position elsewhere. She clearly isn't going anywhere.

This isn’t flirting. It’s an emotional affair. Love you. Wife. You need to give your husband a shock and chuck him out for his cheating ways.
Sorry this is happening to you op.

He is feeding you a load of bull but your gut is telling you otherwise. Does he act like this with male colleagues? You think something may be going on, he will deny, deny, deny and you go around in circles and your self esteem gets lower and lower. Get off the merry go round: you deserve better. He is also very unprofessional and oils lose his job potentially

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills is right. The original issue with the fake profile is where your problems started. What your husband did there was very sneaky and deceptive. He is self-serving and not to be trusted.

I'm usually the first to defend friends who aren't afraid to show love to each other platonically, and talk openly and so on.

So it's a big deal for me to say this but...

This is not on. The calling her 'wife' and 'flower' has to stop. Staying late stops. All calls outside of work to be silenced and so texts to be replied to outside of work where anything work related is set aside til, aerr, work.

This woman has form for what it looks like she could drag him into. I'd be very uncomfortable with this.

I have male friends. This is not on. This goes beyond friendship.

I don’t get this ‘work wife’ thing. I am really good friends with some of my work colleagues, like proper friends who spend time with each other outside of work - but I am really careful with male colleagues. Whilst I might consider us good friends, I am more cautious about being affectionate, just because I think you have to be, it’s easy to cross a line in the way you wouldn’t with a same-sex friendship (presuming of course both sides are straight)

Ugh workwife: that’s vomit emoji not envy...
I went out with a guy who had a ‘workwife’. He was a raging narcissist (cunt) and it transpired he was desperate to shag her. She was genuinely innocent and in love with her husband. I’ve distanced myself from that group now and blocked him but I occasionally see them in group photos and he’s always insidiously close to her looking like a dark slug.
Sorry that’s my issue but seriously, fuck them both off. He’s taking the piss. Give him clear guidelines and ultimatum and stick with it.

I have told him I am not comfortable with the way they are talking to each other and he is basically having an emotional affair.

Me trying to leave last night scared the shit out of him.

He has messaged her at work today. I have seen the message. He told her that I am not happy with the way they speak to each other and they have pushed the boundaries of friends at work. He also explained he has been a dick in the past and I don't trust him. He told her that he has to cut their personally relationship and stay strictly business because he doesn't want to hurt me and loose me or our DD. It was a much bigger essay then what I just wrote!

She asked if she can speak to me to tell me it's only friends and she is no threat. She thinks of my husband as a little brother. But understands that he needs to cut of their friendship if it's going to cause me and H problems.

He replied saying I have made my choice and from now on it is strictly business. No out of hours contact unless its an urgent work related issues.

He has given me full view of their messages and asked me to talk to him if I find anything they say upsetting or out of professional bounds.

This is a trial period so to speak. If I keep getting the gut feeling I will leave the marriage.

And what’s to stop him continuing to message her via his work email? I appreciate you have a six month old to consider, but there wouldn’t be any way of returning to this relationship for me.

He has definitely crossed the boundary with her into a emotional affair.

Based on your recent update, it is good he has finally put the boundaries in and has put YOU first. However, based on her previous behaviour with an taken man and her reply, I would not think this is over. She must likely will seek him at work to talk etc.

Your husband also has form in the past for speaking to other women. If I was you, I be keeping an close eye on this. It is not over yet.

Your update is good. Let's hope he sticks to it and is genuine.

I know it’s not not what you want to hear but I think your husband is the kind of person that needs ego-stroking and goes outside of his marriage for this ‘need’ to be met.

I’m glad he messaged her. It’s upsetting that they even crossed the line in the first place, because they SO did. but his explanation of cutting contact because you’ve put your foot down is actually just adding insult to injury. He’s essentially saying he’s having to cut contact because you told him to.

Is there any recognition on his part about how this has made you feel? Especially top of his previous shady behaviour?

There needs to be consequences, reparation. Would he go to counselling?

Sorry OP but him putting those boundaries in place wouldn't make me feel one bit better, mostly because they should have come from him, not you. If he isn't able to recognise when something's inappropriate and/or doesn't have the moral fibre to put a stop to behaviour which is disrespectful to you and your marriage of his own accord then how are you ever supposed to trust him?

Even if he stops messaging this woman, what's to say there won't be another work wife in a year or so? I don't see how you can trust him again ever

It's not going to stop. The messaging might do, to his personal phone but nothing will really change when they see each other.
He's been happy to cross that line for a long time it seems.
You've scared him a little which might impact for a few weeks.. but he'll be back to it. And it is an emotional affair.

That’s not a work wife, it’s an emotional affair which possibly might become physical. I would contact her and ask her to stop talking to your husband and tell him the same

I can’t believe she wants to speak to you to justify her shitty behaviour 🤮 what cheek

It is slightly annoying that he’s made out he’s got to stop talking to her because of you, rather than him realising he’s been an idiot..

Sounds awful OP, I'm so sorry. I used to get that terrible gut feeling about my ex in terms of his relationships with the women he worked with, I think in the end he was cheating on me with a variety of people (of both sexes!).

The problem is your husband here. Not that this woman is behaving well, because she isn't, but if it wasn't this woman, it'd be another woman. He clearly thinks it's fine for him to behave like this (it isn't). If it was me I'd journal about it, meditate on it and go with my gut. Life's too short to waste time on people who treat you badly.

You could go on with your life as a free and independent woman or meet another much better man who won't treat you like this.

Hang on. Forget Stupid - she's a symptom, not the actual problem. Feel sorry for her actually - she's on her second wannabe OW mission in her own workplace - there are clearly some serious issues there that you can thank your lucky stars you don't have.

Your H is the problem here. It's not about her, and him being attracted to her. It's about him being a slimy cheaty horror. THIS is what stands out to me:

I already have trust issues finding out a few ago my husband was speaking to other women on a fake account in inapproipate ways.

Fuck. Fake accounts?! Trust issues - no, you don't have 'trust issues', you have 'not being born yesterday' issues and you don't trust your H as he's shown you several times he can't be trusted.

The dramatic messages are bullshit, I would be embarrassed to be you in that situation - you KNOW, don't you, that the first chance they're in work together there will be soulful looks and an excuse to do coffee together where they can ramp up the 'ole twattery even further and thoroughly enjoy the extra frisson that's now been created by their 'feelings' being plainly stated and a drama having happened.

And when your slimy H tires of Eager Beaver, someone else will come along, or the fingers will get itchy for the next fake account.

Your DD is only 6 months. Leave him. He'll eventually wreck your life with a proper affair anyway, you know this.

Give the bastard the shock he fully deserves and turn to him, smile and say, you know the leaving you thing, hmm, changed my mind, I think I will actually.