Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work wife - too much flirting

84 replies

Topaz123 · 21/11/2019 08:20

So my husband has had a work wife for near on 4 years now. She gives me that gut feeling something wasn't right. She used to call him after work all the time, but I put my foot down and it stopped.

The work wife left her partner of 10 years to be with someone else at my husband's work. The guy she left to be with also had a long relationsgip and a child. I was so happy it wasn't my man she stole. But then they broke up last month.

Since then she rings my husband outside of work all the time. Usually to rant about the guy she just broke up with. She messaging my husband outside of all work hours too.

The horrible gut feeling has returned. I already have trust issues finding out a few ago my husband was speaking to other women on a fake account in inapproipate ways.

So I looked at the messages between my husband and his work wife. He calls her wife which really upsets me cause I'm his wife. He calls her flower, never calls me flower. They tell each other "love you" and "miss you" and joke about staying in the office alone for a night and watching a movie getting drunk. He stayed late with her the other night cause she had a break down about her break up when I asked him to come home on time as we needed to be somewhere.

Too me this is over the line and I think blurring the lines between a platonic harmless relationship to being flirty. Especially wheb my husband is being her shoulder to cry on about her recent break up.

I confronted him and told him I needed to a break, as i am not happy with the relationship they have. He told me it's just banter and begged me not to go as we also have a 6 month old daughter. He said he would cut off the close friendship or quit his job anything but loose me and his daughter. He said there is no attraction.

What do I do? I want him to leave his job as I don't want him near her. But he has worked so hard and just become a operations director and will soon be able to work from home full time giving him more time with our daughter.

But at the same time his work wife has just been promoted to customer service director so they still have to work closely with each other which I'm uncomfortable about.

I have met the work wife. She was lovely to me, but he's body language was as if she was his wife not me. Standing with her. Just looking at her and not me when talking to the two of us.

HELP

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/11/2019 18:55

Oh dear

"I have to end my relationship with you because my wife doesn't like it"

Coming from a man with a history of setting up fake accounts to contact other women to do fuck knows what

You are being mugged off, op.

Roddycasement · 21/11/2019 19:06

I have a work wife and wouldn't dream of doing anything remotely unfaithful with her. We flirt all the time though and if my wife heard us, she would not be pleased

Minionmomma · 21/11/2019 19:18

@Roddycasement what’s your point?

Minionmomma · 21/11/2019 19:19

@Roddycasement p.s. your behaviour is unfaithful if you wouldn’t behave like that in front of your wife.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2019 19:26

Roddy, it's not ok

ballsdeep · 21/11/2019 19:30

I bet your oh is messaging her on a fake account saying how you were watching him type it and how he never ever feels that way.
Then que more texting and inappropriate behaviour. You'll be back after Christmas telling us all he's shagged her.

Roddey what a twat you are. Your wife is one lucky woman

HisBetterHalf · 21/11/2019 19:30

no such thing as a work wife. She is a colleague who has overstepped the boundary

Emmapeeler1 · 21/11/2019 19:34

This is crazy. No way in hell would I put up with behaviour like this from my husband. I’ve been with dickheads like this in the past - one too many, and I can’t be dealing with it anymore. I sincerely hope you stick to your word and make him ditch all inappropriate contact or lose this loser. He needs to wake up and start showing you some respect.

Emmapeeler1 · 21/11/2019 19:35

if my wife heard us, she would not be pleased

So don’t do it?

Emmapeeler1 · 21/11/2019 19:37

It's about him being a slimy cheaty horror

Totally this.

And totally agree about your non-existent trust issues. He just isn’t trustworthy.

mamato3lads · 21/11/2019 19:38

Not a cats bollocks chance in burning hell would I stand for this

Hes got form too

Dodgy as fuck, sorry op.xxx

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/11/2019 19:39

I have a work husband, but we just have lunch together and if we go to the pub or anything after work we invite his actual wife, who is also a close friend who works with us. The blurring of lines here is very concerning. I wouldn't be happy at all .

Pilipilihoho · 21/11/2019 19:46

So he tells her he's backing off because you've given him an ultimatum, and you see that as positive? Interesting...

"My wife says I have to do this or else" hardly sends a positive message, OP. But tbf, you'd pretty much lost me at "it wasn't my man she stole". Wise up, OP - otherwise, what's the betting you'll be back posting the next time? Remember, 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' inappropriate messages from a fake account was your wake up call - had he got the message then, he'd never have allowed this situation at work to develop. Good luck.

xMrsAx · 21/11/2019 20:01

OP, the way he worded that message was really sneaky

"Oh this has to stop, my wife doesn't like it"

You know the OW will be thrilled by this, don't you? That you see her as competition. It'll rev her up even more, especially seeing as she's got form. It's just added a new element of danger for them both. Now they'll both be in work talking about how much of a controlling wife you are (you're not), how hard done by he is having to put up with you (he's not), and how horrible you are for trying to get in the way of their "innocent" friendship Hmm

What he should have done is take some responsibility for it, said he thinks things have gone inappropriate between them and he wants to just talk about work in the future. That he needs to concentrate on you and the baby, and would never want to put your relationship at risk.

Ginger1982 · 21/11/2019 20:19

@Roddycasement bully for you.

OctoberLovers · 21/11/2019 20:24

No, just no.

Love you , Miss you...

Hell nooooo!!!!

instagramwilleatitself · 21/11/2019 20:31

I have a work husband. What this means is that we have a warm affectionate relationship and I can probably be more honest and forward with him than others in a strictly professional and platonic way.

We text occasionally outside of office hours for professional reasons if there is something urgent or because we invite each other to things related to our children (who are the same age) so birthday parties/gifts etc. I know his wife and I've met her and she actually came up with this "work wife" moniker but the boundaries are VERY clear on both sides.

What you have here is a very unhealthy relationship: a woman you already fear and have concerns about and husband who is clearly courting the attention.

His response to you requesting that this relationships moves to a strictly professional footing will tell you all you need to know about how they really relate to each other.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 21/11/2019 20:41

All he’s done is made you the bad guy and the obstacle in the way of their “friendship”.

He should feel like and have the awareness that he’s crossed a line himself. Not that his wife isn’t happy with the relationship.

elmosducks · 21/11/2019 20:46

Erm no way. DH had one. I didn't feel jealous of her at all but she crossed lines. I growled.
Job done.

Good luck OP

RowenaMud · 21/11/2019 20:51

My advice would be to keep alert.

I was previously in a similar situation. He used another hidden (work) email address to stay in touch. Whatever way the email was set up, it did not appear on his phone unless he logged into it. I’m not sure how he set it up tbh. It was some time ago.

Frankola · 21/11/2019 21:29

This is inappropriate and it needs to stop.

But please, let's be honest, stop minimising the blame to your husband. He has already done something to cause trust issues and he now does this?

Your husband cannot be stolen. He is a person and makes his own decisions. He is behaving like this because he wants to. Not because she is forcing him.

The problem is with him

Groovinpeanut · 21/11/2019 21:31

So he's sent her a message saying he's sent it under duress because you've said your unhappy. Not really a positive move at all. He's made you look bad, and himself hard done to!
He'll talk to her and say it's not how HE feels, and they'll just carry on, but with you in the dark. He should be taking the responsibility of keeping boundaries in place. Catching him using fake accounts speaks volumes.
I'd leave him to his antics. You and your DD deserve so much better.

MsDogLady · 21/11/2019 21:33

Banter? Little brother? OP, they are taking you for a fool.

They are having, at the very least, an emotional affair. She is his priority, his ‘flower.’ You witnessed this when you visited and he focused solely on her. Their intimacy is evident in their affectionate messages and constant level of contact.

You rumbled him, so he did some damage control to get you back in line. I would not trust his message to OW, where he shifted the blame to you. They will be continuing their romance at work and underground. After all, he has previously betrayed you via his devious secret account.

Wake up and stop tolerating his infidelity. He lacks integrity and is not going to change. Show him the door.

Whiskers14 · 21/11/2019 21:43

I'd be as angry about the email he sent her as I would be about the flirting! He's blaming you like you're some kind of nagging shrew who's not letting him have his fun any more. Guaranteed from now on they'll just do it under the radar where you can't find out - he's got form for that, after all.

I'm glad you're prepared to leave him over this. Keep a packed case on standby.

Bouledeneige · 21/11/2019 22:03

What the fuck is a work wife anyway? Sounds ridiculous to me, not professional at all.

Your DH has blamed you for having to pull back. Where is his responsibility to behave well, with boundaries and respect for you? He shouldn't blame you not trusting him - you have no reason to.

He's not a man with integrity is he OP? Why cling on to him? He sounds horrid and weak.