Am I a cocklodger?

[tigglewiggle]

Am I? I will try to keep it brief.

DH is in a well established and successful career and I work part time which means I can work around the children and do school pick ups etc. I am also studying for a course which I hope will help me to increase my earning potential when the children are more independent.

It came out at the weekend that DH thinks I am living off him and that he feels I have no ambition to do anything about earning more money. It really took me aback and made me question everything. I thought I was doing my bit for the family, maintaining the house and looking after the kids (he does nothing) and able to as he earns well and as childcare costs are through the roof. I reminded him that I do work and he said it wasn't anything and didnt bring much money in.

I asked him what he wanted to happen as it would be difficult for me to go full time right now. He said he doesn't want me to go full time but for me to use my imagination, buy and sell stuff online perhaps. Not sure what exactly?!

It has made me feel quite vulnerable as he obviously isn't happy with our arrangement anymore and doesn't value what I do.

Well you've misunderstood the definition of cocklodger. Firstly they are male and I assume you're female But most importantly a cocklodger doesn't contribute at all (in terms of finances, childcare or housework) and you are contributing with all three. You are also studying with a view to increasing your earnings later.

Your husband's attitude stinks. He clearly doesn't value your contribution (and he should).

Is he an arse in other ways?

Yea sure. Be more ambitious......

Start your own PA, au pair, cleaning company & start submitting the itemised invoices.

Maybe he’ll value it more if he has to pay for it.

You are not a cocklodger!!!

How much leisure time do you have, how much does he have???

It sounds like he has someone whispering in his ear or he thinks your life is much easier than his...

@Zoofiller 😂 absolutely!!!

You aren't a cocklodger but your DH is an arse. Tell him you will look for a well paid job and then present him with the added costs of employing people to do what you do - breakfast club/childminder & cleaner plus the cost of a second car and petrol costs. He might think you are good value on that basis.

He’s being shitty! Do you think this is his considered opinion, or something he said in anger? Either way, of course, it isn’t great......

Your DH doesn't seem to view you as a 'family'... unfortunately, he miss-understood marriage and child rearing as a family.

I would ask him what he doesn't understand. Does he wish for his single days of spending all his money on himself? Unfortunately those days are long gone from a legal perspective... he is a grown up with a wife and children, time to stop thinking like a selfish little teenager. Its family money he earns, as do you. He needs to get over himself.

Not a cocklodger.

A cocklodger has a cock. Doesn't do anything round the home, is a rather entitled fucker, doesn't help with kids......

So he does fuck all around the house and he wants YOU to do more?

Cheeky fucker! I'd be fuming.

Tell him you think it best you go full time and he takes on 50% of the pick ups/childcare/housework/shopping/cooking/homework supervision. Only fair.

"In order to contribute more, I'll be scaling back the amount of childcare and housework I do in order to put that time towards work that brings in money, I didn't realise we were so close to the edge money-wise.

You'll have to cover school drop-offs Mondays, and do the pickup Thursdays and Fridays, and do the housework at least one week a month as I'll be out at work then. You should probably contact your boss to see how you can rearrange your work hours to fit those in."

What Colonel and Storm said!

My DH used to come out with things like that from time to time, usually if he was having a bad week at work and was worrying about paying the mortgage and retaining our standard of living if he changed, it was usually temporary and was just his brains way of looking for other options. I did however call his bluff for a few years by extending my business to weekends and doing extra for weddings etc this meant he then got all the childcare at the weekends and got to do the shopping and food stuff for the weekend, and I couldn’t possibly cook after working all Saturday I was so exhausted 😁

He was very relieved when after a few years I stopped and never suggested anything similar again.

If your relationship is usually good I wouldn’t read too much into it, you however know what it’s like and if there is any other backstory going on.

doesn't value what I do

^ This is a nutshell. You need to make it clear to him that he WILL be picking up more household stuff and drop-offs/pick-ups to enable you to earn more money.

Sell some of his things on ebay.

tigglewiggle

You are certainly not a cocklodger but your DH indeed is being an arse here. He clearly does not value either your part time work nor your valuable non monetary contributions to the family unit.

Apart from his work and his hobbies (if any), what time does he actually spend with you and the kids?. What does he do for you all rather than his own self?.

I am also picking up on further potential controlling vibes from your post re him; all this from him about you buying and selling stuff online is making me concerned that he will use that to further control you financially whereby he can spend it on what he likes whilst you scrabble about and make do on your income from online selling. Such selfish men really do not share.

Get a job in a bar or restaurant. Tell him he has to be home by 6 to take over childcare or find himself a childminder. Oh and he is in charge of laundry, children's haircuts and all medical/dental appointments now you are working equal hours. See how long before he changes his tune. Obviously you don't have to go so far as getting the job. Just lay out exactly what it will mean for him if you work equal hours.

However, surely your course proves you are working towards making yourself more employable? Why isn't that the smoking gun?

Depends surely on what was agreed. If it was a joint decision to only work part time then he can revisit that if he’s now not happy but he can’t complain if he had a say in it. Plenty don’t though and it’s a decision made by one adult alone.

He’s not wrong to want a more equal relationship though, I’m know I wouldn’t be happy being the main earner whilst DH did a few hours. I’d personally feel resentful I was expected to work more.

Tell him you have decided to go full time, you will do the same hours he does and put in the same amount of time cleaning/cooking/shopping/childcare and he does. You will therefore need to hire a nanny, cleaner, housekeeper for cooking and laundry and use fulltime nanny in summer and other school holidays. Add up the cost of all these people and say that the cost will need to be shared by both of you.
He'll be horrified at the cost.

Sounds like he's the cocklodger. You should make him a chore chart.

This has happened to a friend of mine, turned out he was getting into massive financial problems. He bullied my friend into working harder and more hours. She has now become the breadwinner, is exhausted and he refuses to get a job now his business has gone. The marriage is failing on a huge level. Have you asked your husband about your financial status? It may well be him trying to find a way out of a problem without telling you what the problem is.

Nanny £500 a week
Housekeeper £400 a week
Cleaner £300 a week, need it done more than once a week
so is he willing to put up his share of £1200 a week

Yeah get some quotes for childcare, laundry and a cleaner and present him with those quotes. Tell him that’s how much I am saving this family. Who says I’m not contributing my share? Go start your own eBay business, arse.

Op, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

What matters is what your husband thinks. And what you want to do about it.

It doesn't matter if hundreds of folks come on here and throw tea and sympathy at you and tell you you're not. Bottom line is what you said. He's not happy with the arrangement. He's starting to show resentment towards you.

So you need to deal with this and talk it out and come to an agreement, or ultimately it will end your marriage.

Sit him down and go through the costs of outsourcing what you do and you both decide together what is best. Or I would be tempted to take a full time job and get him to do half the childcare and housework!