Am I a cocklodger?

[tigglewiggle]

Am I? I will try to keep it brief.

DH is in a well established and successful career and I work part time which means I can work around the children and do school pick ups etc. I am also studying for a course which I hope will help me to increase my earning potential when the children are more independent.

It came out at the weekend that DH thinks I am living off him and that he feels I have no ambition to do anything about earning more money. It really took me aback and made me question everything. I thought I was doing my bit for the family, maintaining the house and looking after the kids (he does nothing) and able to as he earns well and as childcare costs are through the roof. I reminded him that I do work and he said it wasn't anything and didnt bring much money in.

I asked him what he wanted to happen as it would be difficult for me to go full time right now. He said he doesn't want me to go full time but for me to use my imagination, buy and sell stuff online perhaps. Not sure what exactly?!

It has made me feel quite vulnerable as he obviously isn't happy with our arrangement anymore and doesn't value what I do.

Zoofiller and others have the right idea.

Start keeping notes of exactly what you do and how many hours a week it takes. And don't forget that anything over 35 hours a week attracts time and a half. Nights and weekends is double time.

Taking kids to school and back by car? How much would a taxi be? Even things like pouring stuff down the kitchen sink to unblock it a bit, or changing a lightbulb. You'd have to pay a tradesperson £85+ callout for that.

At the end of the week present him with an invoice. And don't forget to add employers pension payments and NI contributions.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss
The op's dh said he doesn't want her to go part time when this came up. Probably because he might have to do his share of the pick ups/childcare/taxiing/playdates/washing/cleaning/shopping/cooking/homework supervision that op does at the moment!

Nanny £500 a week
Housekeeper £400 a week
Cleaner £300 a week

Statements like this always make me go

Parenting is just what we do when we decide to have children. It’s not childcare at all, just like it’s not babysitting.

Housework/cleaning need doing in every household and millions of adults manage to do it with jobs let alone without. It doesn’t need one adult to stay home or just work a few hours.

Haha no! To make this clear to your husband and what you bring to the table, give him an itemised invoice of the childcare, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc that you do. Maybe he hasn’t worked out how expensive round the clock 1:1 or 2:1 childcare is....

I have a feeling magically then he won’t to pay 50% of a nursery / childminder / nanny if you go back to work. Or 50% of drop offs / pick ups, cleaning, cooking etc

He doesn't want you to go full time but he does want you to earn more.

In other words, he doesn't want his life to change at all - no childcare no housework - you'll still do all of that - but he'd like you to earn more and feel really bad about the role you play in the home.

Sit him down and tell him you are going to look for a full-time position that means you will earn more. He will have to do pick ups and drop offs same as you and will have to take time off for holidays etc or pay halves for it. Ditto the housework.

He doesn't value your contribution. Men like that only value money. He will never acknowledge that he is able to work the hours he does because you are doing the childcare. I think I'd go back to full time work myself.

@TheColonelAdoresPuffins this!

Parenting is just what we do when we decide to have children. It’s not childcare at all, just like it’s not babysitting.

Small children need someone with them to mind them. If a parent doesn't do it then you both have to pay someone to do it. Therefore - and here is a leap of logic for you - if one parent stays home and does it they are saving the cost of childcare.

Your husband is horrible. Marriage is not about who earns what. It's about a healthy, fair balance and having respect for each other and what both of you do for the family. I'd bet everything I own that if you immediately went full time and earned as much as he does, YOU would still be the one doing the vast majority of the housework and child rearing. Your husband is a jerk.

What an absolute wanker.

You’re doing more than he is.

Ugh, hateful man.

if one parent stays home and does it they are saving the cost of childcare

At the expense of losing a salary. Unless numerous young children,, most people still earn more than childcare costs and there are numerous avenues for help with childcare costs.

Your husband is an arse
I'd be tempted to go find a full time job, and insist he pays half of the childcare fees, plus steps up and does equal cleaning, cooking, laundry, admin and parenting evenings/weekends so that the two of you get equal free time since he doesn't value your contribution to the household as SAHM presently. What a twat.

Housework/cleaning need doing in every household and millions of adults manage to do it with jobs let alone without. It doesn’t need one adult to stay home or just work a few hours
Why are you ignoring the fact that the dh doesn't want her to go part time and doesn't help with any household/childcare stuff?

How long have you been married? How old are the children?
Has he thought of this himself or is someone feeding these ideas to him? I.e colleague boasting about wife but not mentioning the nanny/cleaner/inheritance that is funding lifestyle?
Totally agree with the bill him 50% of your time at your hourly rate & point out how much more even your contributions to the household are....

Doesn't want her to go full time that should say

I really wish people wouldn't say bill him for your time. I mean seriously who the fuck does that and what kind of terrible advice is it.

And op, what are you going to say? Well loads of people on mumsnet think you're a twat and I'm not living off you? What good will that do exactly? He's hardly going to say, oh right, I was wrong then.

You need to find a way forward that works for you both. Or you need to split. Because this sort of resentment grows and grows. Until it splits you.

How old are the children? If they are in their teens, he may have a point.

@Bluntness100 why not? Wouldn’t it help to demonstrate what she brings to the table. Nurseries / childminders / after school clubs / cleaners / nannies etc aren’t free after all. It sounds like he’s “forgetting” all that she contributes and is insinuating she’s some kind of free loader

Has he got money worries he hasn't been telling you about?

Tell him you completely agree that you've been feeling at a loose end.
Price up each and every job you do.
Cleaning
Before school care
After school care
Holidays care
Ironing
Gardening etc.

Give it him and say you sort that lot out and I'll look for a great job that brings money into the household and gives me more of a life. Any eBay nonsense can be knocked on the head as you're too busy doing the above.

Right, so people think the OP should work more hours, otherwise her husband will be resentful. But completely ignore the fact that the husband does absolutely nothing in the home or contribute to childcare. And yes single parents have to do all this stuff but they don't have another fully grown adult to look after too.

I suspect these are people who could either afford nannies and cleaners or who had supportive partners and didn't have to do it all themselves.

Anyway, OP your husband is being a complete arse and I'd be questioning your relationship. Not saying LTB, just evaluate the power balance between you. He seems to think he's your boss rather than part of a team where you discuss how your family life is structured rather than one dictating to the other.

I can't believe why he doesn't appreciate you doing all household and childcare stuff, working part time AND studying to improve your future earning power. What a benefit for him to not have to consider any domestic matters and just focus on his career. What a knob.

What a cheek! You are looking after children so he can work.. i agree with what Troels said above.

To move forward you both need to sit down and work out how you're going to move forward together. If you're going to do more to earn money then that means you need to do less when it comes to the house and kids. As a result, he would then need to take on more of that side of things. And some stuff would potentially need to be outsourced.

There's nothing wrong with him voicing his concerns, although it sounds like he's not particularly aware of what it is you do on a day to day basis. However, he's very much in the wrong if he thinks you should be doing 100% of the child related stuff, 100% of the home stuff as well as earning decent money, which is what I suspect he's asking of you. For you to financially give more to this relationship ultimately means a better division of the mundane stuff.

Omg this really bugs the sh*t out of me about some men. Doesn't your partner realise that if you weren't around and he had to organise childcare- as in proper childcare (someone with experience, qualifications etc) he would be paying the top dollar? Let's say for before school (2 hours) and after school (4 hours) - you are looking at around 50 to 60 per day (lower end of the wage bracket - perhaps not as experienced or qualified) thats after you have paid their tax and also they are entitled to holiday pay. Also - a cleaner let's say twice a week for 3 hours per visit that's another 60. Remember childcare in the holidays when the kids are off is more hours as well.

I suggest you send him a spread sheet with costs vs contribution

Ugh if you had the money I would say leave now. What a jerk.

How incredibly hurtful. You do plenty and are looking forward to earning more when the children grow up.

I'd be really angry if my partner said that to me, especially if it came out of nowhere.

What do you plan to do now?

I wish people wouldn't say bill him for your time. I mean seriously who the fuck does that and what kind of terrible advice is it

I agree this is a silly idea. Because then he could turn round and present you with a bill for your half of the mortgage payments, bills, holidays, food etc. Plus as the children and house are half yours you'd only be able to bill him for 50% (his share of the services you provide).

But he does need to explain what he will pick up at home to accommodate you working more. Its funny how these sort of men think looking after children and the house is "sitting on your arse" when a woman does it but the hardest thing in the world when a man has to.