Am I a cocklodger?

[tigglewiggle]

Am I? I will try to keep it brief.

DH is in a well established and successful career and I work part time which means I can work around the children and do school pick ups etc. I am also studying for a course which I hope will help me to increase my earning potential when the children are more independent.

It came out at the weekend that DH thinks I am living off him and that he feels I have no ambition to do anything about earning more money. It really took me aback and made me question everything. I thought I was doing my bit for the family, maintaining the house and looking after the kids (he does nothing) and able to as he earns well and as childcare costs are through the roof. I reminded him that I do work and he said it wasn't anything and didnt bring much money in.

I asked him what he wanted to happen as it would be difficult for me to go full time right now. He said he doesn't want me to go full time but for me to use my imagination, buy and sell stuff online perhaps. Not sure what exactly?!

It has made me feel quite vulnerable as he obviously isn't happy with our arrangement anymore and doesn't value what I do.

You are enabling him to have an extremely easy life! If he had to get involved he would realise just how tiring and relentless looking after children/running a home is. He clearly has no idea as clearly doesn’t come close to being supportive and resents you as he believes it is all tumbletots and coffees. He thinks he is the only one that works.
You need to protect yourself for your future here, and make clear plans to increase your earning potential. Plans that suit you, not just him!
He doesn’t want you to work full time as he knows that would impact on him, so suggests something home based so you can still be flexible and everything still falls at your door. You start calling the shots. As wonderful as being a mother is, I am afraid it would be pretty dismal to discover you have facilitated a lazy, ungrateful arse for all those years and you essentially have nothing to fall back on financially as you have carried the whole (raising the family) load. He doesn’t see you as an equal - get in that driving seat now!

Ah so he wants you to do all the house stuff, all the kids stuff, and magic up a new start up business in your spare time!? Piece of piss!

I think its pretty horrible that he accuses you of having no ambition when you're studying towards qualifications that should lead to a higher salary anyway.

Have you ever expressed an interest in starting a business? I think entrepreneurship is a hard thing to teach, you either have it or you dont. For example I'm not a natural risk taker and although I'm good at problem solving I'm really bad at being creative with new ideas, networking and putting myself out there so I know I couldn't do it - or I could but it wouldnt be that successful or make me happy or work to my strengths.

Basically he wants more money for the family and wants you to make all the sacrifice for it and doesnt seem to value what you do at the same time as saying its beneath him

I'd have another chat and point out that he is the main earner because of you not in spite of you. You work together with him in supporting his career so that he doesnt do anything at home so he can concentrate on work, he doesnt have to go in late or finish early to do school runs like lots of working couples, he doesnt have to take time off for kids being ill, he doesnt have to use up loads of his memory and brain power on school events and kids birthdays etc etc etc. At the moment you have room for study and working pt. If he wants you to make changes then that's fine (I understand it must be pressured to feel like the main earner) and you can both talk a lot and figure it out but you are unlikely to be able to start a business in your spare time that will significantly change family finances. And ask him what changes he is going to make, to enable you to change. It doesnt sound like you physically have the time to add anything else in so he will have to take on more.

At the expense of losing a salary. Unless numerous young children,, most people still earn more than childcare costs and there are numerous avenues for help with childcare costs.

There are numerous avenues for help with childcare costs in the UK??? I didn't know this.

But anyway in this case they haven't lost a salary. The OP is working part time as well as taking care of childcare. She isn't NOT working. She just isn't earning as much as her husband would like despite doing all of the childcare.

Call his bluff say you agree particularly with your course and then say so we need to sort out childcare/housework/admin

Although frankly the fact he thinks working is sufficient makes him a twat

Tell him you'll find a full time job like he wants for 37-40 hours a week, because you have zero interest in buying and selling online which isn't a sensible way to make a living for most anyway, so he'll need to plan to do half the pick ups/drop offs and pay for childcare, plan to use his personal days for half the children's sick days, doctor's and dentist's appointments, etc, and you'll be drawing up a list of chores (cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, childcare, etc) so he'll be fully aware that he'll need to sort out half the list day in and day out, just like you do.

He can't have it both ways. Make it clear.

But with that attitude and that little appreciation for what you've given up to make sure your children and home life is entirely sorted, while holding down a part time job, I would start planning to be single because it doesn't sound like he values you at all. Protect yourself. At least you've been warned.

Cocklodger is a guy who does nothing and lives off the woman. He isn't independently rich, a stay at home dad or a student. He doesnt work part time nor do childcare and housework. He does nothing.

You are studying, looking after the children when he isnt home so saving on childcare and working some hours. You are so not a cocklodget.
Selling stuff online is a hobby for me, i love a declutter and online sale... i dont know what he means by being more ambitious? I think selling stuff online isn't that easy yo generate a sustainable proper income from? Unless you do it like a business...

I'm with @SittingAround1

Doesn’t he realise that YOU have helped facilitate his raising career by doing all the drudgery...housework, pick up and drop off, childcare, homework? You also work part time and are studying..hardly the life of Riley.

He’d last all of five minutes doing what you do.

IMO, he expects you to do all the above and work full time, but expects his life to remain as it is...golfing, no chores, not parenting his children.

Fuck that.

And BTW, the fact that you are even questioning if you are a cocklodger (or even taking advantage of him financially) just shows how ground down you are. What made him in charge of your shared life? Oh l forgot, because he earns money and you look after the home.

I think telling you to be more ambitious when you’re studying is bang out of order. Surely studying is being more ambitious. He’s been completely disrespectful. That would change my feelings for him.

What I would do is look at what jobs are available in your area. Look at hours and days that you would be expected to work. Look at reviews on ebay for buying and selling things, eBay have gone way downhill latetly. Is he going to give you a lump sum of money to start your business? Then have a discussion with him. If you increase your working hours he will need to increase his time and contribution at home.

OP I agree with Bluntness

Look at the meaning of what he is saying, not the literal words. He is unhappy about something in your life. Are you? Are things otherwise good?

I think you need to say you hear him and then try and work out together what is really going on. It might have nothing to do with money or contributions. But ultimately he will feel he tried to talk to you and if nothing is resolved resentment will build and it will threaten your marriage.

He's a twat

Thanks for all your replies. I'm so very hurt by what he said and can't stop thinking about it. It feels like he does not view me as family at all and I also feel a bit disgusting and flat.

Not sure what the next steps are. I would love to get a full time job but I have a baby too (maternity leave) so it will be difficult right now.

What’s a female’s cocklodgers name?

The problem is possibly nothing to do with you and more that he is fed up with his job and wishing he was part time etc. Ask him about his work?

He is still being an arse though I'm not defending him

@totallyradllama absolutely this. He thinks I got the short straw in enjoying all the nice bits with the children while he works long hours. However, the time he does get with the children he often passes over to go out!

Do you think he is worried about money at all, Was this said in the heat of an argument.? I think he is being unfair to you ATM. You have a young baby as well which would impact severely on your ability to work.He seems like he wants it all ways up doesnt he. Does he enjoy his job or is he a bit stressed out .Dont get me wrong ,I think he is well out of order TBH .I would talk to him again and explain that the domestic input is equilivant to Childcare /Housekeeping and so on .Where does he go out to instead of spending time with his family ?

Yes I understand. There is a big earning gap between my DH and me and he occasionally comes out with rubbish like this. It's usually when he feels overloaded at work and/or not getting any downtime.

This is how I handle it - I stick up for myself and what I'm bringing to the partnership, in terms of effort and I remind him that the family IS the point, the thing he is working FOR not the thing that's getting in the way of him enjoying his life. Also I remind him if he'd wanted to marry a corporate-high-earning-type woman he could have done but he chose me. And this is what I value at the moment. But I think in our case I know he doesn't really mean it he's just having a moan

Also the thing I find makes the biggest difference is to have a couple of hours each to ourselves eg at the weekend whilst the other is the parent-on-shift

What an arsehole. Sorry but he is. He doesn't respect you or your very valuable contribution.
When will you finish your course and what is it? How many hours do you do?
Please dont give up your course and jeopardize your future/improved earnings.
What does he think would happen if you didn't get the kids? Around my neck of the woods after school care is 12 pounds per day per child. That's over 100 right there if you've got two per week.
I'm cross on your behalf.

What’s a female’s cocklodgers name
A kept woman I would think. It doesn't normally apply to a pt working mum though!

I completely agree that you are doing your share and that he has no right to accuse you of being lazy.

However, is there something else behind it?

We have exactly the same arrangement here. I work 20 hours and do all school pickups, childcare, household management etc which works very well for us.

The only time my husband has suggested that he was not happy with the arrangement was because he was having a really shit time at work. He felt trapped because he was financially responsible for us and was feeling resentful because of it.

we talked about it and looked at options for him to be able to take some time off work and that was actually enough for him. Knowing that he had options stopped him from feeling trapped and helped him to deal with the issues at work.

I am not saying this is what is definitely happening with you guys but he may be worrying about finances or hating his job at the moment.

@RandomMess may be right:
“It sounds like he has someone whispering in his ear....”

Maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your marriage & how you feel about everything.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! It strikes me that the pressure on mums these days is high. I was lucky enough to be able to work full time but got the comments from people remarking on how I cope so well in leaving my child to work and not being there. It was difficult for them to comment though as I worked nights and when they said "so who's looking after your child?" I could say my husband, but she's asleep in bed!

Years ago it wasn't any better as women likely stayed at home and there wasn't the pressure to juggle childcare, work etc. However a lot of women would have rather worked! My mum always said she was not allowed to work by my dad and resented it!

All the responsibility still falls mostly on the mum wether she works or not, and it isn't really about one parent feeling resentful that their other half works less hours if they are contributing by raising children and have difficulty in getting work that fits around family and children.

I think that some men feel that their other half has an easy life and have no idea, especially if they don't see how hard it is and aren't involved enough.

In fact my husband (now ex) told me he had been supporting ME! Whilst I worked full time all through my child's life and contributed half to all bills, all housework childcare family life, simply because we split it so he paid the rent and I paid everything else.. it worked out the same but apparently he was putting a roof over our heads and we couldn't cope without him so no matter what you do, it's the attitude of the other parent and if they don't get it perhaps never will.

Op, don't feel that you are not contributing as you are both doing your best, however the scales are tipped in his favour if you work as well as take care of the children, and house, you are studying and preparing for the future.

He needs to get this, and appreciate what you do, a relationship should be about sharing the support, and not a game of one-up man ship.

"I would love to get a full time job but I have a baby too (maternity leave) so it will be difficult right now"

Aaaaaaah, new baby. This talk about you needing to contribute more is because you won't be as sexually availible to him right now as he wants so he's saying you should "make that up" with money.

I bet you anything that if you get a full tome job he’ll expect 100% of the childcare costs to come out of your salary. What is it with these men who seem to think that children belong to the wife and are nothing to do with them. Don’t let him pass up time with the dc when he’s free!