When DH calls you a C..t?!

[StartToday]

Just wondering if you’d be able to forgive dh if he’d done the following, though a long time ago, I’ve never been able to let go of what he’s done, each thing was only ever once and after he was always sorry:

Called me a cunt
Told me to fuck off
Told me to shut my fucking face
Accused me of cheating once (no I didn’t, far from it)
Stropping when I’ve gone away to visit fam (several times)
Made me move house when I didn’t want to
Waited ages before finally agreeing to take me to hospital (I had a health condition in mild pain and anxious - he couldn’t be bothered to stop watching footy)
Told me I’m frigid because I didn’t do it every time he wanted to
Told me there’s something mentally wrong with me

I used to be shocked by his occasional outbursty comments, then I started to think who the fuck do you think you are, so started to tell him to fuck off every time he was EA. This led to some huge rows, I never backed down though.

He says he loves me a lot, his past behaviours have killed my loving feelings about him, he does not behave like this now, and puts it down to being younger, immature and under stress. Granted he has changed but I can’t seem to shake the resentment at being treated badly, AIBU given he’s sorry and has changed?

In case someone asks...we have 3 DC all in primary school, own house together, both work professional jobs, he earns more, I have no pension, he is introverted with hardly any friends, all our friends are mine, I am very sociable.

No I would not forgive or remain married to a man who spoke to me like that. And somehow I find it hard to believe he's a totally reformed character.

He would only tell me to fuck off or call me a cunt once

No, I wouldn't stay married to someone who clearly had no respect for me

"Waited ages before finally agreeing to take me to hospital (I had a health condition in mild pain and anxious - he couldn’t be bothered to stop watching footy)"

This would have been the end of the marriage for me. The other things on your list are all very bad, but this one stands out to me for some reason. I think it is shocking. It reveals just how selfish he is and how little he respects you. Most of other examples could have been times he said something nasty in anger, but then calmed down and apologised (although something tells me he didn't!) But with this incident he was calm to start with, he just didn't give a shit about you.

Also, how did he "make you" move house when you didn't want to?

You need to LTB. He might have changed but it doesn't matter. He can't undo the things he's already done, you can't forget them, and they have understandably killed your love for him.

Calling me that once would have finished it for me.

My DH just wouldn’t do that ever.

My abusive Ex did though...

You have been ground down by him over the years. He still has no love for you whatsoever; he only wants you around to facilitate his life. He has not changed in all the years you have known him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Please call Womens Aid here or your local domestic violence support group. You and he should no longer be together.

Just to say, my ex was like that, when I finally ended it he escalated and was arrested twice, the second time I was taken to A&E by the police as they were worried he'd broken my arm. Soft tissue damage only, it still aches in the cold though. This was the man who declared he'd always love me, was "heartbroken" that I'd "given up" on our marriage once I decided that I would not be spoken to like crap any more. It was hearing his words coming out of my son's mouth that was my final straw.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this post before.

Why do you stay with him?

Nope. That would kill any affection stone dead

@MashedSpud 🤔🤔 i'm surprised that anybody could think there is only one verbally abusive husband out there, only one wife trying to find the clarity and bravery to act on reality and leave.

That is awful @Originallymeonly

If you have stopped loving him then you need to leave.

If my DH said that to me he would be picking up his teeth with his broken arm.

@SlightlyBonkersQFA I mean word for word same post. I am aware there’s more than one case of abuse in the world but thanks for sharing your knowledge with others.

🤔

When was this? How long is "a long time ago"? What is he like now?

He’d only say it to me once..

I had to leave because of this sort of behaviour, but I only had one child which made the logistics simpler.

I wont thank you for sharing your suspicions, as they serve nobody.

If the thread bores you avoid it.

If the OP needs to hear that others would leave in her shoes, stand back and let her hear that (again).

Why would you see fit to reprimand a woman in this situation? What on earth does it achieve?

If somebody in this situation struggles to process the advice they're being given, cut them some slack.

Denial isn't shed in an instant. It's a process.

If posters in abusive relationships irritate you, avoid the thread, say nothing.

My abuse ex husband was the same. When things were going great, then we were fine but when there was any stress or conflict he would see me as the enemy.

I would be concerned if in the future, there was any big stressful event he turn again. It's unlikely he has magically changed.

You say it was a long time ago - what's he like now?

And sorry, but any one of those behaviours is unacceptable. When you put them all together like that, it's begs asking 'Why are you still with him?'

AIBU given he’s sorry and has changed?

How was he changed? And for how long?

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.
To answer the questions:

He has never been violent.

I have not posted about this before

Long time ago - means he last swore at me about 3 years ago, his swearing has been infrequent.
We were very settled in work and school, he applied for a job 300miles away, more pay, got the job and convinced me it would be better, and stupidly I agreed, I had to start my own work from scratch again, this was 5 years ago.

Now I don’t know what to do, where to start, or how. I know I don’t love him, but the predictability of ‘us’ and the fear of facing the stress of a split is what’s kept me stuck. There’s been no sex (my choice) for 2 years.

You say he only did one thing once and was then sorry but that's a long list of things which he has done to you, I am guessing at different times. How long ago did these things happen and in what way has he changed?

Do you believe that he has 'changed'? He seems to be making excuses for what he has done rather than accepting responsibility.

I wonder if the reason you are not accepting the 'new him' and still going over these incidents is because you know, deep down that he has shown you who he is, and that that person will still out in the future.

He has shown his true self and demonstrates no respect towards you. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or three years ago, loving partners do not behave like this.
You don't have to live like this. Please contact Women's Aid for guidance and don't be ruled by the fear of splitting up. Lots of people in this type of situation split up and have wonderful, loving relationships afterwards. You deserve so much more than this.