When DH calls you a C..t?!

[StartToday]

Just wondering if you’d be able to forgive dh if he’d done the following, though a long time ago, I’ve never been able to let go of what he’s done, each thing was only ever once and after he was always sorry:

Called me a cunt
Told me to fuck off
Told me to shut my fucking face
Accused me of cheating once (no I didn’t, far from it)
Stropping when I’ve gone away to visit fam (several times)
Made me move house when I didn’t want to
Waited ages before finally agreeing to take me to hospital (I had a health condition in mild pain and anxious - he couldn’t be bothered to stop watching footy)
Told me I’m frigid because I didn’t do it every time he wanted to
Told me there’s something mentally wrong with me

I used to be shocked by his occasional outbursty comments, then I started to think who the fuck do you think you are, so started to tell him to fuck off every time he was EA. This led to some huge rows, I never backed down though.

He says he loves me a lot, his past behaviours have killed my loving feelings about him, he does not behave like this now, and puts it down to being younger, immature and under stress. Granted he has changed but I can’t seem to shake the resentment at being treated badly, AIBU given he’s sorry and has changed?

In case someone asks...we have 3 DC all in primary school, own house together, both work professional jobs, he earns more, I have no pension, he is introverted with hardly any friends, all our friends are mine, I am very sociable.

You describe yourself as sociable. I think you will be ok if you are prepared to take what feels like a risk and leave. You are the strong one. You are the punch bag for all of his insecurities and inadequacies. He probably feels better after he's upset you. You would have a lot of extra emotional reserves if you weren't using them up walking on eggshells around him. You will be ok. You have a job and you have the social skills to rebuild a new life.

If you don't love him, you probably know that at some point you need to accept that this relationship isn't going anywhere, and that there will be harder times before it gets better.

He did each of the things once, first incident was 14 years ago, last one about 2 years ago, not regular, more occasional.

He accepts that he’s let me down, but sometimes says he doesn’t remember the incidents as I do, he thinks that my mind has somehow made the incidents worse than they actually were.

no, i'd have left him 14 years ago rather than hold onto it for so long although, it does depend if I was actually being a c**t

you really don't sound very happy OP

sorry op, any one of those would have had me out of the door.

Sadly he has only backed down because you have found your voice and are standing up to him...that makes him a bully.

Of course he will minimise the incidents, and try and confuse you over them, it is in his interest to do this.

I would start planning my escape if l were you..

The odd one if it was out of character I could forgive (I may have yelled fuck off before when very angry but I'm quite sweary and say it anyway as like a 'give over! type thing). But added together...and this was over a time period of 12 years?? Its not a one off and he wasn't young and stupid and impulsive for those 12 years.
Do you really think hes changed? Being truly sorry means fully accepting what you've done, not minimising it.

If you dont love him though, for any reason, you're entitled to leave

StartToday

re your comment:-
"I know I don’t love him, but the predictability of ‘us’ and the fear of facing the stress of a split is what’s kept me stuck".

The fear of leaving is often far worse than the reality of separating and staying basically for the sake of the children is not a good idea here either. Fear of him often keeps such women within abusive relationships along with not too dissimilar reasons like you describe. But no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. You have a choice re him, they do not.

Teaching your children that a loveless relationship is their norm too is no legacy to leave your children.

Violence against the person does not have to be solely physical in nature. It can be verbal, financial, emotional in nature to name but three types.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your mother also suffer similarly?.

He did each of the things once

I think that if this is true, and that the last incident was 3 years ago and yet it is STILL preying on your mind, then you need to be very very clear about what you want and why you are feeling the way you do.

You can leave him because you don't love him at any time. You don't need a reason. You don't need to persuade him that because he once called you a cunt x years ago that now you have stopped loving him. You don't have to blame him because his job prospects meant that you had to move.

If the relationship isn't working for you, you can simply leave. You don't have to blame him.

Yes my parents relationship was characterised by dv, physical, emotional, and financial.

I’ve often asked myself if I’m in an abusive relationship, what a stupid question, when it seems obvious. But I still question myself, what is wrong with me, maybe he’s right, I’m making a big deal out of a few incidents.

So confused.

And he’s probably done them more than once.
But not frequently just occasionally.

What are the family finances like, OP? Why do you have no pension?

Do you work full time? Who does child care while you're at work and how much does it cost?

I don't see any benefit for you in staying with this man. Or for your kids either.

I suggest that you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme (there's an online course if there isn't a face to face course near you).

I’ve been self employed since marrying dh, who had good pension, I was going to get a private one, but dh convinced me we wouldn’t need it with his being so good. Fool I know.

Child care costs - none really, dcs do the odd after school club, I fit my work in school time, work part time and do all the school runs, and holiday care myself.

I thought the freedom course only covered physical abuse?

No

es my parents relationship was characterised by dv, physical, emotional, and financial.

This is why I asked what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Sadly you saw abuse within the parental relationship. That is what they taught you about relationships when you were growing up and your boundaries and template for a relationship became screwed up and warped respectively as a result.

No-one sadly bothered to protect you from seeing all this at first hand nor did they actually show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like. And the fact is even now you still do not know.

And now your own relationship with your H is scarily similar to your parents own abusive relationship. You were indeed targeted by him too.

"!I’ve often asked myself if I’m in an abusive relationship, what a stupid question, when it seems obvious. But I still question myself, what is wrong with me, maybe he’s right, I’m making a big deal out of a few incidents".

Yes you are in an abusive relationship and NO you are not making a big deal out of these incidents. There is a sustained pattern of abuse over some years now from him to you here. You forget too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make better choices for you and your kids going forward. Your legacy to them cannot be one where you stayed for your own reasons because they will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. They will instead wonder of you why you put him before them and despise you inwardly.

Each one of those things on their own would be enough reason for me to walk.
Having been on the receiving end of very similar abusive behaviour and also did the same as you, fought back each time ..I can tell you it's a very unhealthy dynamic and no environment for your children to grow up in.
My biggest and deepest regret was not leaving sooner and allowing my children to witness my abuse, my angry retaliation and then continued abuse.
I'm not saying getting out was easy but I can assure being a single parent was preferable to the life I was living.
Please do your best to leave.

YNBU. These are all demonstrating contempt and that is very hard to come back from.

I think when someone does or says something unforgivable, you know.

Thank you all.
@AttilaTheMeerkat
You are right I don’t know what a healthy loving relationship is, I’ve never ever had one. I probably don’t think they exist, and tell myself everyone had issues similar to mine, and normalise my experience.

Dcs have not witnessed swearing and abuse, but they know I don’t like their father, and ask my whey I don’t show him affection. My middle dc has told me that they are worried we might split up one day, and said ‘please mummy don’t make us live without daddy’ it kills me!
Dcs don’t want to be without the unit.

I think given he stopped doing any of this two years ago, he has changed. It does not sound like a long campaign of abuse given the incidents were ao far apart, unless coercive control is also involved. The 'making you move' thing is disingenuous on your part. He sold you the upside in good faith and you agreed.

If i were you, I'd make one MAJOR attempt to fall in love with him and make family life work. Counseling, dates, sex, all of it. Then if it doesnt work split and call it a day, knowing you tried your best.

Take back control!

Your children may not have witnessed it but it's naive to think they don't know what's going on.
They don't understand all the nuances of adult relationships but they are clearly picking up on it if they have mentioned they think you might spilt up.
Children who grow up like that tend to be very insecure and it sounds like it's already affecting them. Something to bare in mind.

Sounds an awful marriage. Why would you verbally abuse someone if you loved them? I wouldn't put up with this.

I'd be referring to him in the past tense if he ever said those vile things to me

I have enrolled on the online freedom course yesterday, thank you for your support all.

Great :-)

Check out meredith miller inner integration on youtube as well. You can do both. She is great. Really clear.

Looking back all the things dh has done to me he has done when I’ve been at my worst, either unwell, pregnant, grieving, or depressed. He’s never acted out when I’m my ‘normal’ self, which made me think he can’t deal with the stress of me not being ok, or is it to hurt me harder because I’m already suffering. He obviously denies this.
Any ideas on why this might be?
Talk about striking when your down.