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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When DH calls you a C..t?!

77 replies

StartToday · 19/11/2019 13:32

Just wondering if you’d be able to forgive dh if he’d done the following, though a long time ago, I’ve never been able to let go of what he’s done, each thing was only ever once and after he was always sorry:

Called me a cunt
Told me to fuck off
Told me to shut my fucking face
Accused me of cheating once (no I didn’t, far from it)
Stropping when I’ve gone away to visit fam (several times)
Made me move house when I didn’t want to
Waited ages before finally agreeing to take me to hospital (I had a health condition in mild pain and anxious - he couldn’t be bothered to stop watching footy)
Told me I’m frigid because I didn’t do it every time he wanted to
Told me there’s something mentally wrong with me

I used to be shocked by his occasional outbursty comments, then I started to think who the fuck do you think you are, so started to tell him to fuck off every time he was EA. This led to some huge rows, I never backed down though.

He says he loves me a lot, his past behaviours have killed my loving feelings about him, he does not behave like this now, and puts it down to being younger, immature and under stress. Granted he has changed but I can’t seem to shake the resentment at being treated badly, AIBU given he’s sorry and has changed?

In case someone asks...we have 3 DC all in primary school, own house together, both work professional jobs, he earns more, I have no pension, he is introverted with hardly any friends, all our friends are mine, I am very sociable.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 20/11/2019 09:01

Ps tell you middle DC that if you split up, he/she will be fine because you will make sure they are fine. Reassure middle dc that you are strong enough to take the responsibility for their well beingvon board, but dont be held to ransom by any promise coerced out of you by a worried child. Tell your child that change is never something that can be avoided completely but resilient people can adjust and you will cope with any changes that are changes for the best. That is coping with adjustment. My kids are better for being in a single parent family. This I KNOW

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 20/11/2019 09:03

I'm assuming the 'DH' in the title stands for Dickhead and not Dear husband!!!
No. You don't ever forgive someone for saying those things. You don't say those things to anyone never mind the person you married.

MarthasGinYard · 20/11/2019 09:03

Regardless of whether you can 'get over' this historical abuse you say you 'don't love him' so it's certainly time to exit.

It's as if it's been 'parked' whilst you had a family together and day to day stuff ticked by I guess.

Good luck Op

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 20/11/2019 09:07

Hmm maybe he is training you to have no needs, or to never express any needs. Certainly, to never request that any needs of yours are met.

So don't overlook that. That is huge. You cant even practise self care if you are going through life in denial about the fact that you have needs.

You do. And you can meet these needs better as a single woman who is free to check back in with herself finally and listen to hear if their is a quiet voice telling you where she wants to go in her life.

Dont ever stay in a give give give relationship because you think that your needs wouldnt be met either if you were single. You can get out of the habit of sublimating all of your own needs for a start.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 20/11/2019 09:09

Ps and even if you are reframing this to a narrative where he cannot cope with stress, i see that even in your greatest distress, in your hour of need, he is the coldest to you.

That spells it out loud and loud I think. You get nothing from him. That's not your relationship.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/11/2019 09:14

Sounds like the relationship is dead for you and that this has been a slow realisation?
Disengaging is a process and no, I dont blame you because hes been a nasty git. Subconsciously you're probably expecting him to do it again.
It's ok to leave if that's what you want to do.

AnnHydrosis · 20/11/2019 09:14

The putting the boot in when you are down is classic abuse OP. Think about this really hard. Do the freedom program. It will open your eyes but then proceed with caution. Get legal advice first before you give any hint away. You will have knowledge and that will make you feel stronger. I know it's hard listening to the DC but one of the reasons you have to do this is for them. They are being modelled the same thing you were. Break the chain.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 20/11/2019 09:15

Read this and read this again:

The fear of leaving is often far worse than the reality of separating and staying

It’s absolutely true. Talk to someone who’s ended a marriage. Find out about the practicalities of how to leave (good advice on here). Because THIS:

Looking back all the things dh has done to me he has done when I’ve been at my worst, either unwell, pregnant, grieving, or depressed

  • is chilling
  • is not love
  • is cowardice
  • and a snapshot of what your children face in the future if change isn’t made
MunaZaldrizoti · 20/11/2019 09:17

Ya. Your husband is a classic abusive assholes. (I am a professional who works to support women being tormented by assholes.) Get support please. Call Women's Aid or a local DV charity. His behaviour is not normal.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/11/2019 09:28

Any one out of your list would see me packing bags and leaving the relationship, let alone ALL of them Shock

PersephoneOP · 20/11/2019 09:41

@StartToday if you know you don't love him that's your answer.

Also, if he called me a cunt I would have walked out.

Best of luck.

PersephoneOP · 20/11/2019 09:42

I'd like to add though that resentment over past actions could be overcome with couple's counselling, perhaps worth considering if you do want to save the marriage; although as I said above, if you don't love him you have some serious thinking to do.

Original poster
StartToday · 20/11/2019 10:05

The trouble is he does not admit to the things he’s done, he will minimise then, and denies he ever used verbally abusive language. I could only get over the resentment if he fully accepted what he did, instead he says he did not do xyz but admits he let me down, but will go now further than that. When I remind him about going to hospital he gives a whole other story, and says my mind has blown it out of proportion. I’ve tried to tell him that I only have a number of incidents and if I was the sort to blow things out of proportion I’d have done it more times.
He tells me it’s me.

Do I need to give him a reason why it’s over?
Maybe I just say - it’s how i feel - cant argue with feelings right?

He will beg and plead, what do I say then, keep saying no sorry...

OP posts:
Original poster
StartToday · 20/11/2019 10:19

@AnnHydrosis

It’s been a slow long realisation that he is EA.
Should I tell him that I know that he is an abuser? Or is there no point?

Sorry I know I sound so useless at figuring this out.

OP posts:
Spudina · 20/11/2019 10:24

As others have said, not loving him is reason enough to separate OP. You deserve to be in a loving relationship. The fact that he treated you that way whilst you were at your worst is a big problem. What if you were unwell again? Could you count on him to support you? I remember the vulnerable feeling of being both depressed and pregnant. Those are times we need our partners to step up and be the best they can be, not the worst. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Spudina · 20/11/2019 10:27

I doubt that he will recognise that he is abusive. Don’t let his denials put doubt in your mind.

MarthasGinYard · 20/11/2019 10:48

'Do I need to give him a reason why it’s over?'

You don't love him anymore

billy1966 · 20/11/2019 10:55

OP, you don't trust him. With good reason.

Reassure your children that no matter what everything will be ok.

Take your time and make a plan for a better life.

Wishing you well and strength 💐

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 12:53

His reactions are classic gaslighting and abuse.

It doesn't really matter what you tell him. Whatever you say, he's going to argue with it. But you really need to get your ducks in a row before you tell him it's over. That's when you will be most at risk from him.

Stay safe Flowers

Heartburn888 · 20/11/2019 13:35

Sounds like an abusive controlling arse and no wonder you don’t like him. What is there to like?!

AnnHydrosis · 20/11/2019 14:32

No you don't tell him anything at the moment. Get to a solicitor and get knowledge. When you feel ready and you have all the paperwork and everything in place you tell him. The reason is that you no longer love him, the marriage isn't working for you and you want to move on with your life but be aware that he will escalate at that point and that is why you get organised. Very organised.

Interestedwoman · 20/11/2019 14:38

'When I remind him about going to hospital ...'

Did I miss something? I didn't spot that in your posts. Doesn't sound good! xx

finallyfree17 · 20/11/2019 20:18

The (excuse for a) man who said and dis almost exactly those things to me is now my ex husband.
There is never, there will never be, an excuse for behaviour like that.

Startingoveragain1 · 20/11/2019 20:59

He is a wanker. Send him this he is out of order.

Longfacenow · 20/11/2019 21:04

I left someone who was abusive and I didn't realise it when it started that swearing and shouting were the beginning. If any partner told me to fuck off since they would only say it the once. It's about respect.

However the hospital/football incident would also be unforgivable for me too.

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