So it’s over

[Katrinawaves]

My 27 year marriage ended today with a bang and I’m bereft

I discovered 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair for 18 months. Stupidly I believed him when he said this was the only time he’d been unfaithful and agreed to go to couple counselling to try to reconcile based on him claiming the affair was a reaction to him being made redundant last year and some other traumas we had weathered together (well all the traumas were mine to be fair - my bereavement, my difficulties with birth and adoptive families, my serious illness)

Today he thought I had discovered more to the story so he confessed he had started being unfaithful 7-8 years ago and had had a 3 year affair with a client which was much more serious than the one which just ended.

He won’t tell me if there have been any others.

Over the last 4 weeks we’ve been having therapy to try to reconcile based on his repeated assurances in and out of the therapy sessions that he had a one off affair at a time of stress. During this period he’s been having sex with me to “try to heal our marriage”. I now feel I’ve been repeatedly raped by deception.

So tonight I’m on a friend’s camp bed and am officially homeless. My kids are distraught. I sent him some angry texts earlier and told him I’d emailed the husbands of the two other women (which is true). He’s now decided all communication has to be via lawyers and he will only discuss children and finance.

So no closure - and a pathetic end to a 31 year relationship and 27 year marriage.

I’m beyond devastated. I had no idea he’s been cheating for so long and thought we were happy

I’m so sorry.

I know no words will make you feel better right now, but you deserve and deserved better.

Make sure you take him to court and take him for everything he has!!

You will be happy again - you can’t see it now but after hardship comes ease.

So sorry to hear this- what a nasty man.

Not only did he cheat, but at first he tried to blame it on your bereavement, family issues and major illness, when he knew that wasn't true, and knew it wasn't a one-off.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you're better off without him. Hugs xxxxx

I'm really sorry OP.

Are your children with you?

Like pp said take the B for everything you can get. Have a party once it's done and never look back x

Oh Christ that's brutal. No words of wisdom but a heartfelt hug and brighter tomorrows for you.

OP - sorry and you will get through this.
But - no reason you have to be homeless. Your home is half yours.
Claim it back - when emotions calm down a bit.
And talk to a lawyer

No I left my youngest in the house with him, and my elder two are at school and university respectively. The youngest is so upset but I didn’t have anywhere to go with him. I had initially intended to stay in a hotel until I find somewhere to live but I called a friend for some moral support after I had been to estate agents to try to find a rental and she insisted I stay with her and her family for a few days rather than be alone. And they have been great today and held me while I sobbed.

He is one arrogant bastard to go to counselling and lie
I am so sorry for you. I know from my own saga that you are probably now feeling that all you thought was true for the past 7 years is now in shambles. But you are probably a decent person and so found it hard to think that he wasn't also. I don't think that kind of serial adultery , lack of remorse and aggressive behaviour is forgivable.
I hope you have some one to support you. Probably not a good idea to leave the home. Are you strong enough to force him out ? Or make his life so crap that he will leave. ?
I know it is hard motivate yourself when you feel so low, but it is important to act fast to protect yourself financially.

Why are YOU homeless? Go back to your home immediately.

Get legal advice ASAP!!! Go back to your house in the morning.

He's proven he can't be trusted and I have a feeling he will try and fuck you over financially.

Go home OP. He is the one who has to go. Disgusting man.

So sorry.

This is awful i cant imagine how you are feeling. He sounds awful xx

Take your friends with you, and go back home. Dont leave your home again. Perhaps ,if you can, keep friends with you for a meal so you can spend time with your youngest child, while they mediate between you and husband.
Make sure your husband knows that either he will need to move out , or you can both live in seperate rooms until house sold.

I can’t bear to be in the house surrounded by all the artefacts from our life together or to sleep in what was our marriage bed. When I left earlier with just an overnight bag it no longer felt like my home.

Move back into a spare room. See a solicitor first thing on Monday.

Then book some appointments with a counsellor.

www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/family-breakups-supporting-children

If I move into a spare room I’m trapped in a single room in the house. Will not feel able to use living room or kitchen and I’ll see too much of him. He’ll also be able to go through my stuff. And his messiness and refusal to keep common areas of the house clean will be unbearable now rather than just stressful as they were before.

At least if I rent somewhere he can’t walk in and out of it and when I go home after work I won’t have to deal with him unless I choose to.

I also think after tonight - when he knows I’ve told his affair partners husbands about it - that gloves are off and he will be actively abusive to me

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation - yes I was repeatedly sexually assaulted for several years as a child.

As he is likely to be abusive and lie again, to the children, please don't leave your child with him again, they are not to blame

There’s nothing to suggest he would be abusive to my son though. It’s me he doesn’t want around and is being vile to. He’s much more likely to try to turn my child against me.

I can’t afford a place big enough for live in childcare and my current job involves a lot of overseas travel so I can’t have my son with me full time at least until I can find a new job.

You will feel different in a week, so will he keep as many options open as you can.

I would keep One foot in the house....a shit few months beats homeless every time

Op I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but you need to get your child. Can your child stay with you at your friends or can you move anywhere else with your child if you can't go home?

Hopefully in a week I will have a home. I put an offer on a rental flat today and they are checking references. I said I wanted to move in next week and my friends are happy for me to stay with them until I am sorted out.

So homeless right now but hopefully not for too long.

@justbeingelle i can’t manage childcare with the kind of job I currently do though. So will need to get a new job before I could have him full time