So it’s over

[Katrinawaves]

My 27 year marriage ended today with a bang and I’m bereft

I discovered 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair for 18 months. Stupidly I believed him when he said this was the only time he’d been unfaithful and agreed to go to couple counselling to try to reconcile based on him claiming the affair was a reaction to him being made redundant last year and some other traumas we had weathered together (well all the traumas were mine to be fair - my bereavement, my difficulties with birth and adoptive families, my serious illness)

Today he thought I had discovered more to the story so he confessed he had started being unfaithful 7-8 years ago and had had a 3 year affair with a client which was much more serious than the one which just ended.

He won’t tell me if there have been any others.

Over the last 4 weeks we’ve been having therapy to try to reconcile based on his repeated assurances in and out of the therapy sessions that he had a one off affair at a time of stress. During this period he’s been having sex with me to “try to heal our marriage”. I now feel I’ve been repeatedly raped by deception.

So tonight I’m on a friend’s camp bed and am officially homeless. My kids are distraught. I sent him some angry texts earlier and told him I’d emailed the husbands of the two other women (which is true). He’s now decided all communication has to be via lawyers and he will only discuss children and finance.

So no closure - and a pathetic end to a 31 year relationship and 27 year marriage.

I’m beyond devastated. I had no idea he’s been cheating for so long and thought we were happy

How old is your ds?
My dsis was in a similar situation to you where she left an abusive dh. She left the house and her dcs (10 and 14) to find somewhere else to live. The dcs saw it as she left them too, the dh worked his manipulative charm and 4 years later the dcs won't even speak to her, it's been hell. She has been to court and still nothing as changed. She is desperate for a relationship with her dcs, but they want nothing to do with her.
Op, my advice to you is go back to the house and your ds, stick it out (as much as it will be shit) get your house on the market and then get shot of your 'd'h.
Even after all the crap my sister went through with her 'd'h, she deeply regrets leaving the children with him whilst she moved out, she says now that she wishes she'd have stayed and stuck out, as crap as it would have been, so that at least now she would have a relationship with her dcs.

No man is worth taking you're life for no especially when you have kids to consider.

OK, get legal advise. As a matter of urgency. If your husband turns your son agenst you it's also illegal and very serious. It's called parental alianation, look it up. Read up on narcissistic abuse.

@Chaosisntapit marital issues are one of the biggest triggers of suicide attempts. As someone who has had 5 serious attempts over the years, the last less than a month ago when I took 96 paracetamol in a very planned and serious attempt to end my life which resulted in a week in psychiatric care, I can hand on heart say that when you are in that mindset then all you can think about is how it will be better for your kids and everyone else if you aren't here. Telling someone that no man is worth it, don't do because you have kids doesn't cut it and trivialises how someone feels when they are in such mental turmoil.
@Katrinawaves if you feel like you can't cope and there is a risk that you may want to take your own life then feel free to message me for a chat or better still, contact your local MH services who will be able to offer you support for your needs. Thinking of you at such an awful time

When I moved out with intentions of having dc at a later stage exh told them I didn't want them. Took a long time to rebuild relationships...
Act fast op.

OP I want to apologise for my post last night (and I've asked MNHQ to remove it). I was feeling very raw and the way you worded things just got to me (which is my problem, not yours.) I'm very sorry that I probably made you feel worse.

Looking at your situation. From a practical point of view regarding your work, you are probably doing the right thing. Will it feel right to your DC? Probably not. But as you said, "throwing" dad out would also be painful for them. Plus if you're already out, getting back in would be a traumatic fight for DC to witness.

I've never worked for a US-based company but anecdotes from past colleagues lead me to believe they have a much stricter outlook than the UK. If you don't have a definite job offer from somewhere else then no, definitely don't get signed off sick. But DON'T tender your resignation until you have the new rental tenancy confirmed.

This is an awful time for you OP but ultimately you will almost certainly be happier with this entitled, angry knobber out of your life.

Again I'm sorry for my post last night.

@Katrinawaves I'm so so sorry. I remember your previous posts

I know only you can decide what to do. and in no way am I blaming you or telling you what you are doing is wrong.

But you are acting from a place of great pain and distress. Your life, as you knew it, has been destroyed by your unfaithful husband. But it is possible to rebuild.

Right now, you really need to re-consider leaving your son. I know you are trying to do your best. But he's only 10 & his mum leaving is too much for him.

Also, hard as it is, you are entitled to stay in the house & you'll get over the haunting memories.

Yes, it's really sad for your son that his dad leaves, of course it it. But there's a disproportionate burden being placed on you and DS, losing everything that's familiar to you, when you did nothing wrong.

Please use your friends' support to go home. 💐

I am so sorry OP.

Years of lies after lies. Your dh has let off a time bomb in your life. You will survive though it will be painful.

UnicornsExist I wasnt trivialising it. I've been left when I had a young baby when ex had an affair however I had so much to live for and since then I'm married and happy theres life on the other side it's hard but somehow you get through it. My point being no man is worth ending you're life when you have so much to live for especially when you have dc.

@Katrinawaves never mind about the house has too many memories etc.
Go back home now. He can accuse you of abandoning your child and home.
You pain and sorrow for now has to be on hold. He has to go. Get angry, very angry otherwise he'll get you to be responsible for his mistakes.
He is fine so he'll get the upper hand.
It's a horrible situation but right now you can't let this get from you.
Go back to your child now don't wait.

Right now, you really need to re-consider leaving your son. I know you are trying to do your best. But he's only 10 & his mum leaving is too much for him.

This

You say your husband was made redundant Katrina, do you still believe that or could there possibly be more to it than he’s let on?
He sounds like a prolific liar to me and it may pay dividends to find out exactly what has been going on over the past 7 or so years. I’ve no doubt you’ll start to unravel more unsavoury things about your husband so please ensure you’re fully prepared for this too.
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, but you sound like a very smart lady who will know how to deal with this once you have had time to digest everything.
Sending you some 💐 and a comforting hug

I'm so very sorry OP.

Would it be possible for your DS to stay with you at the friends?
Just go pick him up grab a bag of his things and take him with you.

If he wants to know why you left or won't go back, just tell him that you're afraid his dad will hurt your if you go back and that's the truth.

OP you did nothing wrong here and your husband is angry at himself but will direct it at you and make out you informing the unsuspecting partners is the thing that has ruined your lives, when of course it is him!

Please see your GP for urgent mental health support. Can another family member come and stay in the house with you? I knew someone who did this in desperation. Her disgruntled abuser called the police to get the friend out but they persuaded HIM to go to, leaving my friend and her friend there with the children because of his behaviour during their visit.

I’ve spoken to a lawyer. Am meeting her properly tomorrow but like everyone else she has strongly advised I go back to mat home with police if necessary. Ex is back pedalling now and saying he didn’t say he would exclude me but that he won’t move out if I go back but will move into my elder son’s bedroom.

So plan is to back this pm. The bedroom and en-suite I will be using have a lock so I can both lock myself in when home and lock him out when I am away from home to avoid him going through divorce paperwork. I think this is going to be emotionally grim and if I saw my GP he would totally use this against me in access hearing

Amazingly his mum and dad, his brother and his aunt and uncle have all emailed me today to say that he’s behaved like a shit and they want me to remain and consider myself part of their family even after we divorce. That made me cry.

Well done OP, I for one think you are doing fine in the circumstances and as usual find the judgmental and righteous posts here to be dangerously unhelpful. It's great that his family see where the fault lies and says a lot about your character. I'd rely more on your own friends though!

@pog100. Yes the prospect of their being a double agent amongst their midst isn’t lost on me

So happy to read you're going back home and it is your home too! Best of luck and stay strong x

Maybe you could keep your documents at a friends house? I had boxes of papers for a friend who was going through a similar situation, just to keep them safe.

Good luck, OP. That sounds like a really beneficial, practical step you are taking. Well done.

Agree with PP about keeping papers offsite

Good decision op.

I'll be blunt, if you move out and leave your 10 year old with this man:

1. Your 10 year old will see it as abandonment by you and never forgive you; and
2. The family court will consider your ex the primary parent and you will lose primary care of your child; and
3. Your housing need will be considered less as non resident parent and your financial settlement will be annihilated.

Get your arse back into that house, pronto, and see a good solicitor the second an appointment is available.

Wise up. There's no chance your ex hasn't already obtained legal advice and you are currently playing into his hands in a way that will eventually be irreparable.

How are you doing? Did you go back yesterday? Hope things are a little calmer for you

Thinking of you @Katrinawaves. I hope you got back to the house, and are managing ok.

I hope your DS is ok too.

Thanks guys. I’m back in. He’s here too but in spare room. I’m promised full disclosure but at couples therapy on Thursday. He’s said there is a lot more to come out.

I’m currently putting in place plans for emotional real life support on Thursday after the session and Friday.