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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So it’s over

99 replies

Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 00:55

My 27 year marriage ended today with a bang and I’m bereft

I discovered 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair for 18 months. Stupidly I believed him when he said this was the only time he’d been unfaithful and agreed to go to couple counselling to try to reconcile based on him claiming the affair was a reaction to him being made redundant last year and some other traumas we had weathered together (well all the traumas were mine to be fair - my bereavement, my difficulties with birth and adoptive families, my serious illness)

Today he thought I had discovered more to the story so he confessed he had started being unfaithful 7-8 years ago and had had a 3 year affair with a client which was much more serious than the one which just ended.

He won’t tell me if there have been any others.

Over the last 4 weeks we’ve been having therapy to try to reconcile based on his repeated assurances in and out of the therapy sessions that he had a one off affair at a time of stress. During this period he’s been having sex with me to “try to heal our marriage”. I now feel I’ve been repeatedly raped by deception.

So tonight I’m on a friend’s camp bed and am officially homeless. My kids are distraught. I sent him some angry texts earlier and told him I’d emailed the husbands of the two other women (which is true). He’s now decided all communication has to be via lawyers and he will only discuss children and finance.

So no closure - and a pathetic end to a 31 year relationship and 27 year marriage.

I’m beyond devastated. I had no idea he’s been cheating for so long and thought we were happy Sad

OP posts:
Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 01:58

Good for you. I bet they are proud of you op.

Get some rest xx

justbeingelle · 17/11/2019 02:05

@Katrinawaves can you go off sick for a bit so you can diet stuff and have your child with you? I'm sure your gp would sign you off sick given the circumstances. Your child has to be your priority.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 02:13

I had two weeks off sick when I first discovered- so have only been back at work for 2 weeks. I work for a US company with a draconian sick policy and have less than 1 year service so I think I would lose my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 02:14

I will try to see him as much as I can though. I’ve asked my ex to let me have him all day tomorrow

OP posts:
fit4more · 17/11/2019 02:14

You shouldn’t have to move out and you certainly shouldn’t move out until you’ve seen a solicitor! Half that house is yours. Move back in and insist he moves out. Ring in sick at work for a couple of weeks until you’ve got yourself sorted. See a solicitor ASAP! Don’t sign or agree to anything without seeing a solicitor first. You’re acting like you’re in the wrong. He should be the one to go! Make him move into the single room!

fit4more · 17/11/2019 02:16

You’ve ASKED your ex to LET you? Wtf? Do you see how wrong that is. Why are you letting him dictate to you? Has it always been like this? You need to start finding your backbone. He fucked other women. He doesn’t get to agree anything. You go back to the house tomorrow and tell him to get out. You TELL him you’re having your son for the day so he needs to clear off.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 02:20

He might have gone out of guilt this morning but he’s so angry now that I’ve caused trouble for him with the husbands of the other women that he wouldn’t go now.

He can handle watching me howl in pain like an injured animal but not me fighting back when he’s hurt me Confused

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2019 02:24

You have a child. Get back to your home and stay there.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 02:30

Explain how @aquamarine

Am I

A living in a spare room in the house being abused by my husband
B giving up my job and trying to force him out of the house imminently even though I may not be able to afford then to live

Or
Getting a flat I can afford as quickly as I can and then having my son with me as often as I can work permitting.

My ex is my son’s father

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 17/11/2019 03:00

Your son will see this as you leaving him no matter what his dad has done if you follow this course of action I'm really sorry

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 04:07

@PurpleFrames and if I go back and ask his father to leave he’ll see it as me throwing his father out so I really can’t win either way.

OP posts:
Prevegen4U · 17/11/2019 04:12

Instead of trying to get revenge and making him angry by contacting the two husbands, you should have taken your time and sorted yourself (and your son) out.

It took me almost a year to get away from my first husband but I did it on my terms and landed on my feet, along with my four yr old son. The year of living under the same roof as him was agonizing but he did his thing and I did mine most of the time.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 04:20

You may be right @prevegen4U.

It’s been a tough few weeks and it boiled over that these two women (and probably more than just the two) had inserted themselves into my marriage knowingly and caused such harm without consequence to themselves.

But I am now where I am and can’t undo it.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 17/11/2019 04:27

To be fair, the husbands finding out was a risk HE took by shagging their wives. What's done is done.

You have a long marriage behind you. Go and see a solicitor and find out how what your financial landscape looks like.

In regards to your youngest, talk to him. How old is he? Will he want to move into the flat with you?

HairyPorter · 17/11/2019 04:28

How old are your children @Katrina?

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful.

The reason others are advising that you stay in the family home is because of how it will be portrayed by the other side if things go to court. If you have older children and don't anticipate battling over child arrangements, that's less likely to be an issue.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 04:30

He is 10. He was shell shocked and doesn’t want to have to choose between us. I think he will want to stay in the house because it’s what he knows. But at the moment I can’t imagine anyone choosing me so who knows in reality what he will do when he’s had time to process the situation

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 17/11/2019 04:39

I know you've explained why you thought it was necessarily to leave OP and I understand you're hurt, but I just can't imagine walking out on a 10 year old child because it makes the situation more bearable for you to live with. What about how it affects them? I think you need to go home

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 04:41

It’s too late anyway. My ex wouldn’t leave now because he’s too angry and he also probably wouldn’t let me over the threshold even if I tried to go back

OP posts:
UnicornsExist · 17/11/2019 04:41

So sorry Katrinawaves. What an epically shit situation to be in. I think I remember you posting when you found out about the most recent affair. Only you know what you need to do for your life circumstances regarding living arrangements and your youngest child. It sounds to me that you are doing everything possible to try and minimise the impact on your children.
The one thing that you really must do is take this man to the cleaners. You have given him 31 years of your life. Several children. He has thrown that back in your face in a very calculated way while trying to save his own skin. The way to hurt this type of man most is in the wallet. Get everything you can out of the divorce to enable you to have your youngest live at home with you. Good luck Flowers

sofato5miles · 17/11/2019 05:53

@rottiemum88 but this hasn't happened to you and you projecting your life and emotions onto OP's may not be relevant. Support is was OP needs, not judgement, she is desperate. He is with his father. Not abandoned.

Legal advice, OP, and lean on your friends.

rottiemum88 · 17/11/2019 06:49

@sofato5miles OP came to an open forum and by its very nature people will have different opinions. My opinion is she should not have left her child behind and another poster up thread who said her child may blame her for that in years to come is right. I was some years older than OPs child when my father walked out and I've never forgiven him to this day for doing it, regardless of what his own reasons were. That situation was also the result of infidelity.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 06:55

At this point rottie, I feel my choices are really stark - to leave and try to build a new life. Or to take my own life. So whilst you think I’m a great stinking failure for not sucking this up and going back to my ex, I’m actually trying to do the best I can for my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/11/2019 06:59

And stupid me for not realising some posters would be along to say this was all my own fault and my kids would blame me for the rest of my life. I didn’t even know I was being cheated on until 4 weeks ago and it had been going on with different women for 7 years since my youngest was 3. So not sure why my ex gets a medal just because he kept a foot in each camp for that period of time?

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 17/11/2019 07:53

@Katrinawaves . You are doing brilliantly. Ignore the harsh comments from other posters. You are trying to do the best for you and your children.
Good luck. You sound strong. You are a fantastic mother.

sofato5miles · 17/11/2019 08:13

@rottiemum88 Kindness and empathy go a very long way. OP may ne on an open forum but there are other ways of expressing yourself.

My parents divorced due to infidelity. I hold no grudges. Even if I did, to someone needing support, I would perhaps mention it gently as a factor to consider not as a bat to beat her with. This is VERY early days.