So it’s over

[Katrinawaves]

My 27 year marriage ended today with a bang and I’m bereft

I discovered 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having an affair for 18 months. Stupidly I believed him when he said this was the only time he’d been unfaithful and agreed to go to couple counselling to try to reconcile based on him claiming the affair was a reaction to him being made redundant last year and some other traumas we had weathered together (well all the traumas were mine to be fair - my bereavement, my difficulties with birth and adoptive families, my serious illness)

Today he thought I had discovered more to the story so he confessed he had started being unfaithful 7-8 years ago and had had a 3 year affair with a client which was much more serious than the one which just ended.

He won’t tell me if there have been any others.

Over the last 4 weeks we’ve been having therapy to try to reconcile based on his repeated assurances in and out of the therapy sessions that he had a one off affair at a time of stress. During this period he’s been having sex with me to “try to heal our marriage”. I now feel I’ve been repeatedly raped by deception.

So tonight I’m on a friend’s camp bed and am officially homeless. My kids are distraught. I sent him some angry texts earlier and told him I’d emailed the husbands of the two other women (which is true). He’s now decided all communication has to be via lawyers and he will only discuss children and finance.

So no closure - and a pathetic end to a 31 year relationship and 27 year marriage.

I’m beyond devastated. I had no idea he’s been cheating for so long and thought we were happy

Good idea. I'm so sorry. I have been there. I was told in the therapy session he was leaving me for a lady he had just met. Fuck me it stings.

Keep on keeping on!

Some people take the view that is is unforgivable to leave a child irrespective of the circumstances that parent finds themselves in. From what you say, this is the decision that in reality is best for your own self-preservation. You're not abandoning your child.

Well done Katrina. Don't let the scumbag take your home and alienate your DC. You need to get him out. If you are afraid of him, can you try to get a restraining order?

Who normally looks after the youngest while you're abroad? Is an au pair a possibility when you get the bastard out of the house?

What have you told the DC? They need the truth (age appropriate) to be able to understand what's going on. I wouldn't try to cover up for him.

Well done Katrina

I'm really glad you're home & that you are sorting out RL support. Your 'D'H is some piece of work ...more to come / full disclosure. 😡

This is truly horrible. But you can survive it. Thinking of you ❤️

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to send you some gentle hugs @Katrinawaves

I'm 2 weeks post break up (although the relationship was no where near as long as yours). Its hurts like hell. I'm lost and angry and sad. But we can get through this. We have to for our children.

You are a strong lady and I am pleased you have got good emotional support for yourself. I am speaking from hindsight here please do everything through your lawyer.....go for everything you can....house, savings, pension....make sure you have sufficient funds in your bank account.....if you have a joint savings account take half and put it in your own account or open an account of your own. You are in for abit of a dough ride.....think of you and your sons future and get as financially secure as you can be. Do not listen to him if he gets emotional and tries to get you to agree anything as I said take your lawyers advice always. Tell all your friends what is going on so they can be there for you. You will come out if this a better person with a bright future .....he is a manipulative liar and a pathetic excuse of a man.

I recall your first post weeks back, what a bloody blow!! You've done the right thing going back, let's see what else he can come up with at counselling..not that it matters of course, the damage is well
And truly done. Your being very strong.
Keep going 💐

Good luck and best wishes OP, is all I can say. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and hope that you and your children have a good life when this is over.

So I’m trying to steel myself for what may be disclosed on Thursday. Apparently there were only the 2 affairs but a lot of other bad behaviour. At the moment I can only think this may be

ONS/Tinder/etc
Lap dances/strip clubs
Prostitutes/escorts
Porn/sex cam stuff

Anything else I should be prepared to hear? I don’t know he’s done any or all of the above before people jump on me but I just want to be aware of the possibilities in advance to help me hear it and I’m pretty naive about this kind of stuff sadly - not for much longer I suspect.

Whatever you hear on Thursday will just reinforce your decision. It's the next step along the way, towards your new life with your kids and without his deceit.
Hold your head high and show him just how strong and powerful you are

You'll probably hear that it was all your fault and that he was trapped and never loved you. Standard fare.

Do some reading about why people give themselves permission to have affairs. He will be justifying his actions.

Also, read about attachment types and work out yours and his. Get some emotional ammunition.

He’s currently trying out the sex addiction line . But yes that could change to the unhappy home life one in a blink of an eye.

I’m glad that you can see though his pathetic excuses and victim blaming. But it must still hurt.

Glad to hear you are following your solicitors advice, I know it must be really tough to be around him but you are doing it for your child’s sake.

It was just sex is a standard response.. the one used on me. Whatever he comes out with won't change the lies and deceit of years of marriage. Stay strong, it's not acceptable and most definitely isn't something that can be fixed. It's not your fault, he chose to do the things he did to you and your family not you!

Jesus people, stop giving her a hard time. Sometimes the best thing to do is go and leave the child there until you can get sorted enough to bring them with you. And do you know what, sometimes they can't come with you and you end up being the NRP, and that doesn't always make you a shit patent. None of us know all the circumstances so stop judging the OPs choices, she's doing the best she can at a really shit time.

Hugs to you OP

Can he possibly come out with anything worse than having two long running affairs? Even one night stands or prostitutes would hurt less because that is just sex as opposed to any emotional involvement. I honestly don't see how he could think that you might want to try and save the marriage at this point, especially if he is going to be making further revelations.
Thursday is just another chance to get your ducks in a row. The more unreasonable behaviour he admits to, the less he can justifiably argue about divorce settlements.
KOKO

@unicornsexist. I’m pretty sure that conduct doesn’t impact financial settlements and I doubt he’s done anything which would mean he isn’t a fit parent in the courts eyes. I just need to know for closure sake.

We have a severely disabled child so we need to have some form of relationship for ever (or until she dies but her life expectancy is normal). So I need to get closure on all this and move on to build some form of ongoing relationship with him. It’s not a question of leaving him and going no contact after a divorce. We’ll have to be in weekly contact at a minimum forever.

I understand why you feel that you want to know what he’s done. But he’s a cheat and a liar - why on earth do you think he will start being honest with you now ? Whatever he says, you will never know what he’s done.

If you tell yourself “ I can’t move on until he tells me everything “ then you are giving him power over you. That’s not a good place to be.

You need to focus on your “ truth”, what you value and how you want to live your life. If what you know already is enough to end your marriage ( as it would be for most people ) then accept that. And work out how you can get the best possible divorce for you and your child and build A new future. I know it’s not the one you expected, but that’s ok.

I echo everything that @KristinaM says. Very wise words.

But I can totally understand where you are coming from @Katrinawaves, where you feel that you need to know everything in order to move ahead. But you don't. You know enough and it's awful. You need to try and isolate the areas you need to manage, which particularly include your DD with disabilities, property, maintenance and so on. I know you have RL support, make sure you get their thoughts on this, it's very easy in shock and trauma to agree to the wrong thing or to forget what matters. Your solicitor will be vital in this.

Thinking of you.

I just don't understand why men jeopardise so much for cheap sexual thrills. Pathetic.

Wishing you luck for tomorrow. I wonder why he feels the need for 'full disclosure'? Like pp have said, he's already gone past the point of no return.
I hope your living arrangements are not proving too stressful.

*I understand why you feel that you want to know what he’s done. But he’s a cheat and a liar - why on earth do you think he will start being honest with you now ? Whatever he says, you will never know what he’s done.

If you tell yourself “ I can’t move on until he tells me everything “ then you are giving him power over you. That’s not a good place to be.

You need to focus on your “ truth”, what you value and how you want to live your life. If what you know already is enough to end your marriage ( as it would be for most people ) then accept that. And work out how you can get the best possible divorce for you and your child and build A new future. I know it’s not the one you expected, but that’s ok.*

Beautifully written @kristinaM

OP - you'll never be able to believe his 'full disclosure'. Let that 'need' go and aim to move forwards with grace and indifference toward him (it's possible) and see him each week with pity. For a sad man he is, indeed

How did it go?

sending you best wishes OP, you are stronger than you believe and you have shown true courage in this situation. You are human and you react to actions just like everyone else. You stay strong lady.