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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband won't have snip but moans I won't sleep with him

83 replies

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 08:19

We have 5 children 2 are mine from previous and the other 3 are ours together. I had my youngest when I was 40 I am now 42. I am.unable to go on pill and dr said if I get sterilised maybe difficult lifting my toddler and my husband will have take some days off work to help if possible. My husband said he can't take time off but for years refuses to have snip. I have given birth to 5 kids. He saw me suffer a miscarriage. My last birth wasnt the best as I didn't stop bleeding. I thought he may think to himself it's his turn. He keeps moaning that we don't have sex. I'm terrified of falling pregnant. He told few months ago several times he doesn't fancy me because how can he find me attractive if we don't have sex. He won't wear condoms as says passion killer. This and his temper over the years has damaged our relationship ( see previous post) . My 15 year old son said " mum I think you are in abusive relationship" my husband can't see it. I checked his texts when it got so bad to see what his take was on us. He told friends I push the wrong buttons. His friends actually told him he will lose his family if he doesn't sort it out. I feel stuck

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 16/11/2019 08:32

His body, his choice.

But frankly, you should be ending the relationship regardless if it's abusive. Him having a vasectomy won't change anything.

WilheldivaHater · 16/11/2019 08:39

Your 15 year old son told you he thinks you're in an abusive relationship, how did you respond to that?

It sounds to me like the vasectomy is just one of many problems in the relationship.

I'd advise really looking at your relationship as a whole and thinking if this is how you're happy living the rest of your life and not only that but if you'd be happy with your children replicating your relationship when they're older.

Anotherlongdrive · 16/11/2019 08:43

If he has a vasectomy would you sleep with him?

Thata not going to solve the problem. He is abusive. You need to end the marriage. Not hope he gets the snip.

Your kids are witnessing abuse.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/11/2019 08:46

Expecting an abuser to see and accept they are abusive is pointless. You will NEVER find the words that get that through to him. NEVER! So stop trying.

He's never going to have the snip or wear condoms or stop trying to have unprotected sex with you because he simply does not care if getting pregnant is physically and emotionally harmful for you and that you have to do all the childcare and extra housework. Because he does not care about you. He only cares about himself! Even your son can see that. You need to too! Quickly, before you get pregnant again.

You are in an abusive relationship. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, you can do to change that relationship. You cannot get him to accept he is abusive; you cannot get him to change; you cannot change the dynamics. Wishing and wanting him to change is a waste of energy - you are not that powerful. No one is!

That is who he is, being abusive fulfill his inherent warped needs. It makes him feel good and happy. He is not going to stop making himself happy in order to make you happy. The two are not compatible, and his happiness will win over yours everytime- no matter the manipulative shit the comes out of his mouth.

The only thing you can control now is leaving the relationship. Small step by small step. You are not stuck. It's fear that's making you feel that. Knowledge is power. So find out what your legal rights are, what benefits are available, get support from friends, family, women's aid. Take control of your future - your kids future.

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2019 08:47

for your children’s sake the marriage needs to be over

BobTheDuvet · 16/11/2019 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 08:52

I think there's different issues here. He has every right to not want a V, just as you have the right to not want to be sterilised. But the abusive remark from your 15 year old and your doubts are very worrying. I would seriously reconsider the relationship, not easy when you've been together for ages I know, but it sounds like you and your children deserve better.

Shoxfordian · 16/11/2019 09:01

Your son is right and you should divorce him
He's told you he wouldn't look after you if you had a serious medical procedure, he won't use condoms, he's not kind to you.

Frenchw1fe · 16/11/2019 09:06

So your dh won’t have a vasectomy but also refuses to use condoms.
And your son thinks dh is abusive.
Dh derogatory remarks to you and about you to his friends.

Why are you with him?

Frenchw1fe · 16/11/2019 09:07

makes. Sorry

IdblowJonSnow · 16/11/2019 09:08

Please dont have sex with him and get pregnant again.
LTB.
Your kids are right, hes abusive.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/11/2019 09:10

I think you're in an abusive relationship as well. What are you going to do about it?

Blanca87 · 16/11/2019 09:12

The second your 15 year old child said he thinks you are in a abusive relationship you should have been gone and walked out of your dickhead husband. Your son will be bearing the worry and weight you are in this toxic relationship, that is really heartbreaking.

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:17

Well I refuse to go to bed with him. The snip part is me thinking it's all about him . He shouts me down every few weeks and makes me cry and my son sees this.

OP posts:

Nousernameforme · 16/11/2019 09:18

Yes ofc she should leave but can you op?
What's your situation like? Will you have anywhere to go with your children? Do you work can you get access to money?

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:18

Yes or heartbreaking . My husband will have to go . I have 5 kids . He went before and said he would change. A month later shouting at me over silly stuff . He says he is tired and that's why he shouts

OP posts:

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:21

No I won't get pregnant again. I just needed to know it's not just me that thinks it's not right. He tells me I'm sensitive and when I cry " why are you balling". I can stand up for myself I'm not scared but I stay quite now because the arguing is not right. So we all walk on eggshells

OP posts:

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:23

I can't leave as where can 5 of us all go? Kids are thriving in schools and happy in general. It's not like it's every day but it's too often. By law he has to go. It's both our house as married. I have send from to stop him selling it. I will have to worry about that if he gets nasty when if happens

OP posts:

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:24

Sorry 6 of us

OP posts:

pooopypants · 16/11/2019 09:27

Seek legal advice, ASAP. He's abusive and it won't get better, it will get worse

He has utter disregard for your marriage, children and health. Him/you leaving would only be of benefit to you all.

The second a 15 year old says that you're in an abusive relationship, you need to weigh things up and have a good think about your lives. Teenagers are notoriously selfish (I'm not calling yours) and if even a teenager can see this, you need to lift the wool from your eyes and face reality.

Straycatstrut · 16/11/2019 09:33

So he wants another child then? I can't see any other reason for demanding sex with no contraception. Or does he expect you to take the pill every day for years?

I agree with you, your body has been through enough. If he wants sex he can provide the contraception now.

Original poster

Novemberrain77 · 16/11/2019 09:37

Find it odd he stops fancying me if no regular sex. He said he didn't mean it but he said it several times and now saying because we don't have sex there is no connection. Even though I have explained it's off putting when he does nothing at all to help me in the evenings and he isn't affectionate he never says he loves me or talks to me like I'm his wife. Never calls me darling etc. Nothing . Can't even say my name right.

OP posts:

newmumwithquestions · 16/11/2019 09:44

This isn’t a healthy relationship. As others have said contraception is far from the only problem here.

But as you asked, it’s not right of you to demand he gets the snip, but it is a joint responsibility for contraception.

My DH doesn’t want to get the snip. I would like him to but respect that it’s his decision to make. Similarly he respects that it’s my decision not to go on the pill. We use condoms as although neither of us likes them it seems like the best option.

Parttimers · 16/11/2019 09:47

If he gets the snip using the non scalpel method he won’t need to take time off work! My dh has it done and said it was total fine just felt a tiny bit tender the next day but nothing that ibuprofen couldn’t sort.

category12 · 16/11/2019 09:50

Speak to Women's Aid.

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