Husband won't have snip but moans I won't sleep with him

[Novemberrain77]

We have 5 children 2 are mine from previous and the other 3 are ours together. I had my youngest when I was 40 I am now 42. I am.unable to go on pill and dr said if I get sterilised maybe difficult lifting my toddler and my husband will have take some days off work to help if possible. My husband said he can't take time off but for years refuses to have snip. I have given birth to 5 kids. He saw me suffer a miscarriage. My last birth wasnt the best as I didn't stop bleeding. I thought he may think to himself it's his turn. He keeps moaning that we don't have sex. I'm terrified of falling pregnant. He told few months ago several times he doesn't fancy me because how can he find me attractive if we don't have sex. He won't wear condoms as says passion killer. This and his temper over the years has damaged our relationship ( see previous post) . My 15 year old son said " mum I think you are in abusive relationship" my husband can't see it. I checked his texts when it got so bad to see what his take was on us. He told friends I push the wrong buttons. His friends actually told him he will lose his family if he doesn't sort it out. I feel stuck

He sounds quite narcissistic and out of touch with reality probably thinking he is god’s gift. I agree refusing to put your name on the house after you had his 3 children (not that it should be the only reason but the main one!) is saying a lot.
You have a lot going for you, you sound like you raised an incredible young lad You don’t need your H and his bullying OP but yours is a scary and lonely place to be so please get advice and help. Women’s help, solicitor.... You will see there are solutions and hope out there.

MN is Mumsnet

Yes I thought he maybe narcissistic but doesn't tick all the boxes but I was told he doesn't have to tick them all. I will get the half hour free advice from solicitor x

I wish all the best. When you get your free consultation, make sure you gather as much financial information before so you don’t have to be on the spot and you can fully utilise your time. You will need details of assets, incomes, investments/savings, pensions, any other child maintenance he pays elsewhere so they can you a good idea of your options. Big hug x

He doesbt share any financial details with me. We don't have a joint back account but I know what bills mortgage costs from letters but I would have no clue what he has stashed. I know there is about 12 grand left inheritance. He won't do a will either . Just kept biting my head off so I took life insurance out few years ago so I know kids will be ok :/

He's an abusive arse.
At his age, there's no good reason not to get the snip other than being cowardly and selfish.
He's fine with you having major surgery because it's not him and he doesn't have to do fuck all. I'd never have sex with the selfish bastards again.

But this is the least of your problems. I hope you can get this arse out of the house soon. Call the resources pp mentioned and work on getting him out for good. See a good lawyer too so you can get a decent settlement.

If ordered by the court he will have to disclose everything, that’s why you need to talk to a solicitor to know how best to handle your particular situation. It will all seem a lot less scary when you know what your options are and you can form a plan of action. That will give you control over your own life back.

I'm hoping courts will see it's our best interest of kids to stay in family home. My brother said he can help.buy him out. Thank god my brother has money and properties . Then I can just pay my brother as I can't get a mortgage . I just work form home for small money.

Yes I find odd that at 54 he won't have the snip but ok if I get sterilised or stay on pill for God knows how long in my 40s odd

You should listen to your son

I think he should definitely have a vasectomy or at least use condoms. He's 54 ffs. he sounds awful and uncaring. You've done more than your bit, he is being totally ridiculous and yes, he sounds abusive.

You need a husband-ectomy

he imagines that if you and he split up there will be a queue of attractive young women wanting to have his babies.... that's why he doesn't want to have the snip

I would humour him and just get busy in the background arranging things so that you can have a good life without him
He might not be willing to have the snip but you can still stitch him up good and proper 🤣😂

You posted this before and got so much good advice? You either put up with it or leave.

Yes apacketofcrisps easier said than done isn't it. We did split up and he promised he would make changes which I he did but haven't lasted. I'm trying to what is best ok.

Yes I am making changes . Stashing money away etc and seeking legal advice next week

And o can't just leave with 5 kids for crying out loud

So you have given him 4 options - no sex, vasectomy, look after you properly if you get stabilised, or condoms, and he doesnt want any of these but instead he wants to risk a 6th baby.

To be honest after reading your updates it sounds like things are over anyway

Oh my god. This is one thing that shows his cave man ways. He ordered an Indian. He said to me " have you put cutlery and plates out " . Our baby will not go to him as she is teething and just wants me . I said " well I'm holding baby can you out it all out" he said " well I bought it so you should out it out" I put it out while holding baby and my son put some out . I said " I really am too tired too argue but when I cook you leave dirty plates on table for me to clear every night which you could do while I bath our kids" . He said nothing and tried to joke around with me and kids but they don't buy it

Thank you Bobtheduvet

Yes your right gettingabitdesperatenow. I just can't help feel bad for breaking home up but ...

You'll feel even worse if you don't break up, November.

Sorry to say but your husband sounds like a prize arsehole. He's 54 and unlikely to change, lazy bastard. Even your eldest has picked up on how abusive he is.

Get him out.

Good luck .

Hi op. There are lots of threads on here where women tell each other no glove no love and the man's choice is snip or condoms.

As you say, you realise it's no longer just about the sex.

There are threads you can search for on here by women asking for help to prepare to leave horrible men. Have a search maybe?

Time to start getting your ducks in a row.

Thanks. Just now I sat down with the baby to give her water as won't settle. Everyone upstairs. We have a huge corner unit sofa. He came down and said " I was sitting there" I said " oh I just went to get baby and her water here so sat here " .he then said " week I'm sat there. " I stayed calm.and moved. He sat there for 5 mins if that closed the recliner and went upstairs with no words. I went up half hour later and he was laying there watching a western. I don't get him

Get - rid.
Neither of you are happy, no point flogging a dead horse.