Talked friend out of pursuing taken guy, she's annoyed at me

[Frankieferocious]

She's 32 and likes a guy who's been her gym trainer for a couple of months.
She's convinced he fancies her and has seen all the 'signs'. Like him touching her arm, using her name more, seeming awkward etc.
It may well be possible that he does, but he's apparently had a girlfriend for years.

She's now invited him to her house party tomorrow and is asking me for tips on what to wear, how to impress him, analysing his texts etc.

I just ended up telling her that IF he is unhappy with the girlfriend for other reasons, he will break up with her in time and my friend will be free to pursue him.

I asked her though if she really wanted someone who would just chuck their girlfriend for someone else and how could she be sure he wouldn't do the same to her ?

I said that having a crush is normal and no harm in being friends but he's not single, and how would she feel if she were the girlfriend and her guy was into someone else.

She took it quite badly and said thanks for making her depressed before the party (it's tomorrow). She said she's been single for years and guys she likes are always taken.
(i think she meant that this is coincidental as opposed to her deliberately targeting taken guys).
She finished by saying sometimes you meet other people you like more and it would be stupid not to pursue it and to have regrets.

I see where she's coming from but having been there, after a 'friend' of my ex of 3 years pursued him and he left me for her, it's absolutely crushing and painful.

If i'm giving her pointers on how to pursue a taken guy, that doesn't make me any better.

What would you have said in this situation ?

Why did he go to the party and why didn't he take his girlfriend if he's 'taken'?

The thing is, some women on MN declare themselves 'partnered', having an 'OH', quite quickly. Boyfriend status is immediate. Nothing wrong with any of that but in this thread HE is the one who needs to put the brakes on... he's not done that. It's not OP's friends business to police what he does other than to check that he actually single before dating him.

Too many people (women) declare too early when they're the only ones running off with the relationship, and then are horribly disappointed when their 'OH', not feeling quite on the same page, skips off to play the field.

My mum's in her seventies now and tells me that in her day, it was the done thing for everybody to play the field (but not sleep with) lots of people, just meet them for coffee, go to the cinema, out for a meal, etc. Only when you both decide to date only each other does the dating of others stop. Sounds better to me that way, fewer broken hearts.

I dread the dating scene for my children because of the mad rush to become 'exclusive' when you don't even really know the other person.

I agree with Inishh though OP, you're - I think - vicariously enjoying your friend's 'bad behaviour' and your subsequent right to finger-wag at her.

Best knock the relationship on the head, for both your benefits.

I understand what you say, but apparently this guy has been in a relationship for years.
I'm not enjoying it at all. Just disappointed with my friend and because it happened to me not long ago it's just triggering that feeling again.

Yes OP - YOU need to work on YOUR boundaries - listen closely to your gut - when something seems “off” “unequal” - stop and think - because it usually is. Then decide what works for you and communicate it calmly and assertively.

Givers need to set the boundary because takers never do. Do you have quite a few takers in your life?

It's HIS relationship to protect, frankie, not your friend's. If he's truly serious about his girlfriend then your friend will not be able to divert him.

If you really feel so strongly about it then Inishh's advice is helpful.

That's true. I just feel like I cannot be friends with someone like that, also how she was so dismissive of it when it happened to me.

I don't understand why you're friends with her. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and lacks empathy.

The fact that she was dismissive of it when it happened to you would be enough reason not to be friends with her. Why would she be so unfeeling to her friend going through hell? You have no reason to be there for her now. She sounds like an arse just for that. I'm sorry.

I had a friend like this at university. She went after other people's boyfriends, had no compunction that they were involved, she eventually split up a marriage. She was meant to be my friend and also went after one of my ex's while I was still living with him. There's something wrong with her and who cares what it is. I would start to move away from the friendship as she'll do it to you.

12345kbm, SHE did not split up a marriage ffs, HE did. Whoever HE was.

That she went after your man whilst you were living with him is unforgivable. I also believe that decent women do not partner up their friend's exes ever but, some hard-up women do just this.

Everything @MrsTerryPratchett said. The onus is absolutely on him to be faithful to his girlfriend. Still makes her a shitty human to purposely hit on an attachment man though.

......to be honest, he would have sensed her desperation. He'll probably sleep with her, decide he's not that into her and stay with his girlfriend.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe You're right, he's equally responsible. My point was, that she only ever went after men in relationships. That there was something wrong with her because that's not a healthy behaviour pattern and the OP should get away from her. I'm not suggesting that these men were hapless victims.

No, 12345kbm, he's totally responsible for safeguarding his marriage. If he were of a mind to do that, there's not a woman in the world who could have turned his head. His marriage, his responsibility to protect it.

Your friend may have some very odd and contrary boundaries there admittedly. I think that women who go after unavailable men are already damaged and that's why they do it but my earlier post about what constitutes 'attached' explains the difficulty. Married/engaged/living with is out of bounds. Girlfriends/boyfriends though? Again, up to the 'partnered' person to deflect attention from others and if they don't, that's on them.

OP you are putting in boundaries waaaaaay too late.
She was dismissive when your partner of 3 years cheated on you REALITY CHECK - that’s when you should have moved on from her - she treated you with contempt not with care and kindness when you needed it. That’s friendship.

Please look around you and chose only surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. If there are not many - then you need to lose the fakes to make room for new nice people.

You don’t like her (for good reasons) phase her out.

A man is always to blame if he decides to have an affair. But having known women who chase married men, they are not innocents either.

I have a family member who loves the chase. Loves to have a married man leave his wife for her. It boosts her self esteem and makes her feel that she’s sexier/more beautiful etc.
She soon bores after he’s left his wife and moves on to the next. She sends pics, compliments, sexy images and offers herself on a plate. A man who is totally into his wife probably would ignore her, but most fall for the attention and promise of sex. Her social media photo is a nude from behind, peeking over her shoulder. Yes, the man is at fault as far as his marriage is concerned...but don’t tell me all OW are equally hurt and innocent women. Some certainly know exactly what they are doing.

Yeah she just said 'he met someone more suitable for him'. And shes said 'this happens very often.'
I have never really cut out a friend before, I, feel nervous and don't know if I would have the courage to do it.

She's playing games and dragging you into it. Stop telling her that she is upsetting you, she doesn't care if she upsets other women, she already knows. Create a boundary and tell you you won't discuss this any further.

And again someone who I was dating went on holiday to Thailand and I was worried about him getting with people there.
I'm not saying people need to sugar coat stuff because they don't but she said, 'he's gone to a hot country, it's normal he wants to make the most of having sex with people there, he's in a country where people are in bikinis all the time. "

Like why the hell would you say that to a friend, plus it's rubbish not every single man is like that.

Seems no shortage of ladies willing to pursue a "taken guy"! In his professional capacity as Gym Trainer has to make the girls feel special and flirted with, to help his business along! She seems a little deluded really .Even if they got together, she would worry about him being flirty with other ladies .You have said all you can, over to her now!

Your friends seems to have little regard for boundaries. I'd be the same as you - not wanting to hear it. Thing is, with ppl like this, she won't stop, even if you say you don't want to hear it. She might not talk about this guy as much, but do you want her around to make these vile comments when you meet someone?

I'd tell her you don't want to hear it, find it a really ugly character trait, then phase her out. Oh & def don't go for Christmas!

Maybe you are realizing that she isn't a good friend, and you've outgrown her.

I have never really cut out a friend before, I, feel nervous and don't know if I would have the courage to do it.

But she isn’t a friend - she's a frenemy who hurts you.

Did you say she lives in another country? That’s easy then. Just block. She will know why - this won’t have been the first time someone has dropped her (no wonder she has been single for a long time) and there won’t be any repercussions as these types are v thick skinned, she won’t miss you or be offended - you are just her little emotional dumping truck / punch bag.

Thanks for all the replies ! Something I don't get genuinely, if someone isn't really that great of a friend then why would they message constantly ? I mean she messages 100 times a day (mainly about her but yeah) but if she were not very interested, why not just ignore me ?