Talked friend out of pursuing taken guy, she's annoyed at me

[Frankieferocious]

She's 32 and likes a guy who's been her gym trainer for a couple of months.
She's convinced he fancies her and has seen all the 'signs'. Like him touching her arm, using her name more, seeming awkward etc.
It may well be possible that he does, but he's apparently had a girlfriend for years.

She's now invited him to her house party tomorrow and is asking me for tips on what to wear, how to impress him, analysing his texts etc.

I just ended up telling her that IF he is unhappy with the girlfriend for other reasons, he will break up with her in time and my friend will be free to pursue him.

I asked her though if she really wanted someone who would just chuck their girlfriend for someone else and how could she be sure he wouldn't do the same to her ?

I said that having a crush is normal and no harm in being friends but he's not single, and how would she feel if she were the girlfriend and her guy was into someone else.

She took it quite badly and said thanks for making her depressed before the party (it's tomorrow). She said she's been single for years and guys she likes are always taken.
(i think she meant that this is coincidental as opposed to her deliberately targeting taken guys).
She finished by saying sometimes you meet other people you like more and it would be stupid not to pursue it and to have regrets.

I see where she's coming from but having been there, after a 'friend' of my ex of 3 years pursued him and he left me for her, it's absolutely crushing and painful.

If i'm giving her pointers on how to pursue a taken guy, that doesn't make me any better.

What would you have said in this situation ?

I'd also point out if you need to rely on other women staying away from your partner to keep him faithful your relationship is fucked anyway.

You have called her on it.
She didn’t like what you said.
She didn’t take your advice if they “flirted heavily” even if she didn’t make a move....then.

Step away now. They are two consenting adults with their own moral compass.

Look hard at how much this is triggering your own unresolved pain.

Deal with that rather than the distraction of their actions.

Yeah, youre definitely right. I have had this happen to me twice which is why it hurts me.
I'm just going to tell her to stop talking to me about it.

Not only that, it just makes me lose faith in people and that what is the point in getting into relationships if there is always someone 'more compatible' out there as my friend claims.

so he turned up?
leave her to it op.
her morals/his morals.

Dump her. You lie with dogs you get fleas.

You've already had a "friend" go off with your bf, why hang around another one that would do it as well?

She shown you who she is, don't ignore it!!

Urgh this happened with my ex, I'm still suffering from it and it was a few months ago. It's such a horribly painful thing to go through. You were right to tell her what you did, she's shown you her true colours and I wouldn't be talking to her any more!

@jonsnowsghost i'm sorry to hear that 💐 I agree it's awful. It happened to me 2 months ago, we were not official but he 'chose' this girl instead whilst leading me on and then didn't deny he liked her more.
It does mess with your self-esteem.
Honestly it makes me question our friendship, does that make me really judgemental ?

My ex cheated and left me for a woman he knew for one day - they travelled and attended a gig together with some mutual friends and that was that! People are awful, I was and still am really hurt. This was 4 months ago, I'm doing better though!
Not judgemental at all, especially if she knows you've gone through the same. She's not putting any value on your friendship if she wont listen to you.

@jonsnowsghost urgh, youre better off without. Same as mine, he got with someone he had known for a couple of days 🙄 it's ridiculous.
Glad to hear you're starting to feel better ! It is hurtful and I do hope you will meet someone nicer eventually :)
Yeah, she knows about both situations. Like other PPs have said it's her life and her choices and theyre right, but it does make me think less of her i'm sorry to say 😔

Honestly it makes me question our friendship, does that make me really judgemental ?

Yes and your judgement is spot on.
You have different values and are not compatible. You might be able to steal yourself to “tolerate” her values - but why should you? That’s not a friendship. At least for now you are vulnerable to her behaviour triggering your unresolved hurt - so just look to emotionally protect yourself - take steps to adapt what you are in control of changing - ie what you can do. Don’t waste headspace churning about hoping she will change.

Also think about the gym trainer he has a full 50% contribution to anything that goes on - as did the your ex’s - even more responsibility actually as the men were in relationships and cheated - the women were single and didn’t cheat.

There is a tendency to put 100% on the female.

Yes I don't put it all on the OW but she did know about me and as the OPs friend was clearly willing to give it a go and see where it took her! But agree it's definitely more on the exes.

"And like the OPs friend" that should say

Yeah we are definitely not compatible in that respect. I remember her talking about a mutual friend of ours who cheated on her bf and she said 'oh she gave into that guy last night' and I said doesn't she have a boyfriend, and she justified it by saying she wasn't happy with him.
The excuse is always that they 'aren't happy' 🙄
When my ex cheated and was official with this girl one week later she said 'sometimes you just meet someone youre more compatible with'.
Agreed it's 50/50 the person in the relationship and the other person.

I keep getting messages now from her saying 'oh and he didn't look at his Phone all night so he's clearly not that into her !' it's just nasty and desperate. I'm just not replying for now but I think the best thing would be for me to ask her to stop talking about it at all ?

Yep I got that too "not been that happy for while" which is such a wishy washy way of saying unhappy...probably because it wasnt actually true.... what an arse.

Your friend sounds like an idiot, reading in too much to things!

Best thing would be to block her!! Fuck sake, she'd do the same to you in a heartbeat!

You're judgment is spot on. Dump her

This happened to me six years ago after my ds's dad left me pregnant for someone else and they are still happy together today. I didnt have a great self esteem then and it totally destroyed me . Although I am over it now , I thought I would die from the pain it caused . Your friend is awful and you need to drop her . There is a saying that "show me your friends and I will tell you who you are ". Good on you for refusing to be a part of it .

She’s not someone that I’d want to be friends with. She sounds utterly selfish. Even if she thought that you and your ex weren’t suited, surely her response should have been to comfort you, not try and justify his behaviour. She doesn’t sound like she’s a particularly good friend to you. Why are you worrying about asserting yourself here?

If you do want to maintain a friendship with her, then I’d text her saying ‘I understand that you like him and that you’re free to do what you want, but I cannot condone what you’re doing, so I’m asking you to stop talking about it, before it starts to damage our friendship’.

If he turned up alone are you sure he does have a gf?

Otherwise - you might suggest your friend analyses why she always goes for men in relationships - that will be why she’s single for so long.

Does she have commitment issues, fear of being hurt, or does she just want what someone else has?

Your friend sounds like a desperate selfish hoe.

Oh fuck her.

I'd send one last message saying all you're telling me here is just how much of a potential sleaze this guy you like apparently is. I stick by what I said, if this guy is into you and things are dead with his gf then the next thing he should do is finish with her then make contact with you. If he makes a move on you before he does that, he's a slimy cheat and I won't be congratualting you on bagging yourself a cheater, sorry.

Apparently someone asked him at the party if he had a girlfriend and he said 'yeah'.
I will definitely message her that though !
A few years ago I was seeing a guy and he pressured me into a sexual act and was quite a prick about it. I left feeling embarrassed and told her what had happened.
She said I needed to tell him that it was not acceptable which I did and he apologised. He was part of our friendship group and I stopped going out because I became a bit scared of him (he was also a bit of a prick in general). She carried on hanging out with him and joking with him etc. Despite knowing that.
It was up to her of course but just hurt me how she got all pally with him just after that happened.

Right so there is a lot that has come out that you don’t like about the core values of this friend.....so maybe you should be reconsidering if you can be a friend of hers.

There is also another part about YOUR boundaries - maybe you are just working them out - but you could have nipped all of this in the bud much earlier on - the moment you felt uncomfortable - you could have said:
“As you know I have been the GF in this scenario - It really hurt so this topic is off limits” Or “Can we talk about something else” Or “I don’t want to talk about this / have this conversation / be part of this”

That would have saved the continual talking, texts and updates that keep triggering and upsetting you.

She also sounds like a childish, fantasist - and is using you as an outlet to gush our her nonsense. Tedious - might be good to move on from her. How could you ever have her around any partner of yours?

You might feel good taking strong decisive action - assertive feedback / boundaries - or just dropping her.

You are right. I have already told her that recently this has upset me (and she knows anyway) but she just told me "well sometimes you meet people you are more compatible with and it's better to take the risk than regret not doing anything." and 'He just saw something serious with her and not with you. "

She also tried to justify 2nd guy getting with other people because "he was in a hot country where people are always in bikinis and he wants to make the most of it" 😂😂

She does use me as some sort of outlet to tell every little mundane detail to and is also expecting me to go visit her at Christmas abroad, even though she would never do the same for me and I have already been 4 times.
I think I have just had enough.