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Relationships

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Original poster

Talked friend out of pursuing taken guy, she's annoyed at me

81 replies

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 19:50

She's 32 and likes a guy who's been her gym trainer for a couple of months.
She's convinced he fancies her and has seen all the 'signs'. Like him touching her arm, using her name more, seeming awkward etc.
It may well be possible that he does, but he's apparently had a girlfriend for years.

She's now invited him to her house party tomorrow and is asking me for tips on what to wear, how to impress him, analysing his texts etc.

I just ended up telling her that IF he is unhappy with the girlfriend for other reasons, he will break up with her in time and my friend will be free to pursue him.

I asked her though if she really wanted someone who would just chuck their girlfriend for someone else and how could she be sure he wouldn't do the same to her ?

I said that having a crush is normal and no harm in being friends but he's not single, and how would she feel if she were the girlfriend and her guy was into someone else.

She took it quite badly and said thanks for making her depressed before the party (it's tomorrow). She said she's been single for years and guys she likes are always taken.
(i think she meant that this is coincidental as opposed to her deliberately targeting taken guys).
She finished by saying sometimes you meet other people you like more and it would be stupid not to pursue it and to have regrets.

I see where she's coming from but having been there, after a 'friend' of my ex of 3 years pursued him and he left me for her, it's absolutely crushing and painful.

If i'm giving her pointers on how to pursue a taken guy, that doesn't make me any better.

What would you have said in this situation ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 19:50

At the end of the day it's her life and her choice, but she talks about it all the time and I am not at ease with it.

OP posts:

DBML · 14/11/2019 19:55

I think you’ve said all you can.
She’s an idiot if she thinks there’s a happy ending to this. Very rarely does it turn out.

But hey ho, leave her to it. She’s going to try anyway. I just wouldn’t be there personally to pick up the pieces.

Also, is she aware of what happened to you? If so, nice friend.

misspiggy19 · 14/11/2019 19:57

Good for you OP. I would have said the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2019 19:57

Your friend is an unscrupulous fuckwit. Find a new friend.

ChippyPickledEggs · 14/11/2019 19:58

You're completely entitled to feel the way you feel and to have offered the advice you did. She is also entitled to her own ideas around morality. If she feels it's ok to pursue something with this man then she does. Lots of people wouldn't agree but whatever she chooses to do is on her. You've made your feelings clear.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2019 19:59

She's a piece of work isn't she ?

Find better friends

Isaididont · 14/11/2019 20:00

I agree with you OP. I think she is just sulking that you’ve called her out on her behaviour.
Also maybe it’s not coincidence that she always fancies guys who are already taken. Could be subconsciously she likes the thrill of getting a guy to leave someone else for her.

egontoste · 14/11/2019 20:00

You've said it now, so you might as well leave her to it.

Grumpelstilskin · 14/11/2019 20:01

You know what would be funny… If that guy turned up with his girlfriend. Would serve your friend right!

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 14/11/2019 20:02

You did and said the right things. Some people are selfish twunts. She is one of them.

Heartburn888 · 14/11/2019 20:04

You have absolutely said the right thing and she morally shouldn’t be pursuing a bloke who has a gf. How likely is it he will show up to the party?

I use to have a friend like this and she was having an affair with a bloke who had a long term partner and she use to say things like ‘if only she knew’ and it would make me physically cringe, asif you could do that to another woman! needless to say he ended up cheating on my friend with another woman and she was heartbroken but I had 0 sympathy. Karmas a bitch!

Let her learn from her own mistakes and if she gets targeted by the gf and her friends (some people have tendencies to put things like this on social media sites) then let’s hope she is mentally strong enough to deal with the back lash of this kind and/or any physical confrontation.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/11/2019 20:04

Im with you OP, I if he likes her so much then why is he still with his gf? I imagine this will end in tears.

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 20:14

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I said what I did, I do feel it's selfish and evidently if she knew another girl was pursuing her boyfriend I imagine she'd be quite pissed off.
It's true though I cannot change anything, she does what she likes and I cannot make her do anything, I just think it's awful but hopefully it wont all end in tears and she will see sense.

Ive already said to her that he is still with the girlfriend, he may just like the attention and be trying to keep it going.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2019 20:17

She's right that sometimes you're attached, meet someone you like more. Then... unscrupulous liars go for it. Nice people think 'hmm I'm clearly not in my relationship' and either sort their relationship or leave it. If he's still with the GF he's either not into your friend or he's an unscrupulous liar. Her choice.

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 20:20

I agree. I'm just a little disappointed, she keeps telling me all the signs he likes her, and she keeps looking for 'clues' that he sees her (at the gym) more than he sees his girlfriend, when in reality she knows jackshit about them.

OP posts:

namechange4052 · 14/11/2019 20:22

God, your friend is a cunt.

TheMistressQuickly · 14/11/2019 20:25

I bet there’s a thousand other girls who he trains and flirts with.

She sounds about 13 btw.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2019 20:29

I go to a bar with a friend of mine. There is a lovely Irish bartender there who is incorrigible, dreadful flirt. With everyone. Me and my friend laugh about it, flirt back and go back to our lives.

His wife and children are the absolute centre of his world. Good for him. But some women fall for the flirting and think it's real.

Bluerussian · 14/11/2019 20:32

I wonder if your friend's gym trainer will turn up to her party with his girlfriend.

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 20:53

That's the thing, as a personal trainer he is probably used to meeting tons of women and he is aware that being friendly is a part of the job and will win him more clients.
She didn't need to turn it onto me and say 'thanks for getting me down before the party, I was looking forward to it so much.'

Anyway, her life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 14/11/2019 22:38

She's admitted she would 'get with him' whilst he was taken but then he would have to break up with his girlfriend after, and that she wants him to like her.

I'm just really disappointed. She's my friend but I just wonder if anyone has any morals left. Aside from the ex I mentioned, another guy I was seeing for a month immediately got with someone else, a girl who was with someone and he knew she was. Just think people don't care about who theyre hurting.

OP posts:

RLEOM · 14/11/2019 22:48

All you can do is give her guidance, which you've done. The rest is down to her.

RantyAnty · 15/11/2019 03:28

Glad you told her! She's being daft. She's 30 not 13! As pp said, it's part of their job to be a little flirty and fun. Bartenders, dance instructors, personal trainers, etc. they want to build a clientele and who would you rather go to; someone dull as dishwater or someone that makes the lesson a fun time.

Original poster

Frankieferocious · 16/11/2019 08:30

I've had another update, so he turned up alone at the party, she says they 'flirted heavily' and that she was 'close to making a move' but didn't.
I just said look, your life, you know what my opinion is on it.
I refuse to engage in it any further, I think it's horrible.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2019 08:36

I'm of thr opinion he's an adult, and he has responsibility for his own actions. Your friend can do as she wishes, but this man has a personal responsibility. Simply because she pursues him doesn't mean he has to get with her. He's not some helpless puppy.

The onus is on him to remain faithful to his partner or end it.

They key point here is not whether your friend makes a move. It's whether he does. And he didn't. Her opinion is he flirted heavily. His opinion may be he was just being friendly and having fun. Sometimes people interpret things to be as they wish.

As said, the key point here is he has made no move on her at all

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