Leaving DH

[WhatTheHellShouldIDo]

After a difficult few years with DH, I have come to the almost impossible decision to leave him. This has been cemented by (and I'm expecting to be flamed for this, quite rightly) meeting someone who has helped me to realise how unhappy I have been.

Dh and I have one child, who is the most wonderful and brilliant thing in my life. leaving the family home means leaving him behind, though I am not planning on going very far and will see him as much as humanly possible. I am in the wrong as it were and I'm not willing to rip him from his home, his friends and his Dad because of me.

I am having to wait to tell DH and DC due to wanting to minimise the pain and trauma over Christmas. Rightly or wrongly I want to give DC a decent Christmas not overshadowed by my crappy decision.

DH is a wonderful man and father who has done no wrong. I realised some years ago that we are better friends than partners but I had got caught up in the idea of creating a nuclear family to raise our child in.

How can I break this to them? I am petrified of what this will mean and want to tell them both in a way that lets them know it is me, not them and that I want to co-parent, be the best Mum I can be and hopefully retain some semblance of a friendship with DH. I know I am most likely minimising what could happen here. I am already on medication from the GP to help me cope as I have explained to them my current situation.

How old is ds?

Your dh might quickly not be so nice and might not allow you to see him as much as is humanely possible ,

He is 8

Why do you have to leave your child just to end your marriage?

What are your plans regarding the OM?

I am in the wrong as it were and I'm not willing to rip him from his home, his friends and his Dad because of me.

You don't have to do that If you're not going far anyway, why can't you keep your child with you?

This has been cemented by (and I'm expecting to be flamed for this, quite rightly) meeting someone who has helped me to realise how unhappy I have been.

What do you mean by this? Is it literally what it says, or are you having an affair?

You're leaving your child as part of your mea culpa guilt-fest at cheating on his father? For real? Are you putting the interests of your child first in this plan or are you prioritising your need for suffering some kind of (very public!) retribution for doing something you think is morally wrong? Op, my mother left me when she left my dad and that was 20 years ago and it had fucked me up, fucked her up, and fucked our relationship up. Think about why you're planning on doing it this way and if it's about you, not him, then that's a cuntish way to go about leading a marriage.

Why are you so unhappy in your marriage?

So many typos. Has fucked me up. Leaving a marriage. Fuxake.

Are you moving in with the OM? Is that why you want to leave your son behind?

Would 50/50 shared residency be an option? If you aren't moving that far away you wouldn't be ripping him from his home, friends or dad at all.

I assume you are having either an emotional or physical affair, are you planning on living alone or with the OM?

Why are you leaving your child?

Your poor son. Sounds like a very selfish plan.

Why do you have to be the one to leave? And why can’t your DS at least have the option of going with you?

You are trying to justify leaving your son by acting like it's the best thing for him but failing miserably. Wouldn't leave my child for anyone or anything, feel so so sad for your son. Of course you should leave an unhappy marriage, even fair enough that you have met someone else but are doing the right thing and leaving your husband but as for leaving your child? Sounds like you are living in a fantasy world and trying to drop your responsibilities and live out your romantic fantasy to me. I hope you reconsider.

Leaving your 8 year old dc isn't a good solution.
You should leave your marriage if it isn't working for you but you need to set yourself up in a way that means you can share residency of your dc moving forward.
If you think EOW plus a weeknight would work best for you then suggest that as a starting point.
Are you sure your dc wouldn't want you to be the resident parent?

Sorry if this is unclear. I am planning on sharing custody of DC- I am going to rent somewhere and he will live with me 50% of the time.

I hope to make a go of things with the OM but not to the detriment of DC. He is my priority in all of this. I am well down in the pecking order.

Can I please ask for posters to not say I will fuck my child up-when people are happy to say LTB to females on MN-are they stating to the men that they will ruin their child's lives forever?

I’d never leave my child.ever.

Hell would freeze over before I’d leave my child. I don’t care how miserable my marriage or how sexy the OM.

Your self-pitying post has basically been written by your cock-struck vagina.

Have a word with yourself.

OP tbf the only difference between you and other mums is that you will be physically moving from the home.

I agree it's best to be happy and for your child to grow up seeing people in a healthy relationship. Good luck!

But in the cases where the men have had affairs it almost always does fuck their relationship with the DC irrepeparably.

For the best way to deal with this. I would end it with dp after christmas and go your own way keep your distance from OM although be honest with dh as he will know something's up. I would wait until dc is a bit more settled in the new situation say 6 months or so before bring that up.

Who do you think ds would prefer to live with?

Gosh OP, what a difficult situation you find yourself in.

My friends husband's mother did this 30 years ago and I'm basis my observations on what she has shared with me over the years.

I think that you have to prepare yourself for absolute devastation and grief on the part of your child.

I think you may find it very hard to know that you are the source of the terrible upset that you have caused your young child.

Trying to minimise that in your mind and hoping for the best, will not help you.

You can expect several years of terrible turmoil and possibly emotional problems for your child as they try to grasp and come to terms with being abandoned.

I am writing this only to let you know the best case scenario is unlikely.

I think I would seek professional advice as to how best to approach things with your child. Whatever they may be.

Obviously the more your husband and yourself can work together harmoniously to minimise the devastation and confusion for your child the better.

OP, you are choosing to do something that will most likely have life long ramifications for your child.

Be prepared for huge judgement from most people in your life.

Be prepared that your child may never get over it and judge you very harshly, for ever.
Particularly as your husband is a nice man.

I honestly wish you the best, as no doubt this is causing you great pain.

💐

Okay, if you are planning 50/50 care with Ex then this won't be that different to a lot of other parent separations.
Dc will obviously be upset at first but if you can co parent effectively then hopefully it will be ok in the long run.
Will ex need to find different accommodation when you leave?

Are you moving straight in with the OM? You didn’t answer that, you just said you were going to make a go of it with him.

I hope you’ll just be living on your own, as making your son live with a man he doesn’t know 50% of the time would be very foolish.

You don't need to tell your husband and child at the same time. You can tell your husband that the marriage is over and then discuss living arrangements and how to both tell your son. You don't automatically have to leave. Why do you not want to hear from those who say you may damage your child. You need to know realities before you do anything. No point living in la la land.