Leaving DH

[WhatTheHellShouldIDo]

After a difficult few years with DH, I have come to the almost impossible decision to leave him. This has been cemented by (and I'm expecting to be flamed for this, quite rightly) meeting someone who has helped me to realise how unhappy I have been.

Dh and I have one child, who is the most wonderful and brilliant thing in my life. leaving the family home means leaving him behind, though I am not planning on going very far and will see him as much as humanly possible. I am in the wrong as it were and I'm not willing to rip him from his home, his friends and his Dad because of me.

I am having to wait to tell DH and DC due to wanting to minimise the pain and trauma over Christmas. Rightly or wrongly I want to give DC a decent Christmas not overshadowed by my crappy decision.

DH is a wonderful man and father who has done no wrong. I realised some years ago that we are better friends than partners but I had got caught up in the idea of creating a nuclear family to raise our child in.

How can I break this to them? I am petrified of what this will mean and want to tell them both in a way that lets them know it is me, not them and that I want to co-parent, be the best Mum I can be and hopefully retain some semblance of a friendship with DH. I know I am most likely minimising what could happen here. I am already on medication from the GP to help me cope as I have explained to them my current situation.

Your son will no doubt be very traumatized by your leaving the family home. Ideally, you and his father will work together to ensure the smoothest transition possible for him. You may want to consult his pediatrician and a children’s counselor for advice.

As for OM, do not make the grave error of introducing him to your son too soon. Your child will need a lengthy period to establish a secure routine in both homes. Child specialists advise that the introduction of a new partner can confuse a child about his place in your life, particularly during the first year after separation. Do not risk compromising your little boy’s secure attachment.

Have you sought the support of individual counseling?

This absolutely will fuck up your son. Advising others to ltb is generally based on abuse and affairs...just like you're doing. Read up on attachment and children being abandoned by their mothers. I ltb with my dcs many years ago...because he attacked me with a hammer, in no way comparable to your situation, I had to keep my dcs safe from the evil fucker.

I’m sorry but you are choosing another man over your own child. You want to have a relationship with him without the hassle of having your son living with you. I can’t think of anything more selfish. He will not ever understand your reasons. All he will see is his mother abandoned him for a new man and left him, and his dad, behind. You are setting him up for years of hurt. Don’t do this.

You don’t have to stay with your husband if you’re not happy. Do it the right way. Separate, find your own place, take yourself and your son and then do 50/50 with your husband. Your son needs to know he has a home with both of you. Still leaves you plenty of time to pursue a relationship with the new man. That shouldn’t be your priority though. You should be focusing on minimising the fallout on your son.

I don't know if this is going to go down well but I think 50/50 custody is so selfish. DS will never feel like he has a stable home.

You can't possibly say you will split 50/50 if you 'don't want to drag him away from his dad and friends' and don't know where you're even going to live.

I don't agree you should stay for DS's sake but ffs don't leave because of OM.
Is he single with no strings? Or is he going to tell you he can't possibly leave his wife once you've left?

I hope to make a go of things with the OM but not to the detriment of DC. He is my priority in all of this. I am well down in the pecking order.

You’re leaving your H and your child, I’ll think you’ll find that your not low down on the pecking order, you’re the only one bloody on it.

It sounds like you have it all worked out but the reality will be very different. Rightly or wrongly society doesn’t afford the same values on women leaving children as it does men. It will look like you left your son and that’s how it will feel to him. Do you really think you’ll get away with ‘OM wasn’t the OM, he’s just someone I’ve just met’?

You need to think long and hard about your plan because you don’t appear to have factored in that very few people will be on board with your decision and there will be a considerable back lash

OP,
I'm afraid from your OP, I don't for a second believe that you meant 50/50.

I think you are reacting to posts. But that's ok because that is what MN is great for.

I agree with most of the other poster's.

You will do enormous damage to your child by not keeping him with you if you leave.

You will most likely irreparably damage him and your relationship with him.

He has no sibling to share the confusion with.

You will be flamed to an extent that I actually don't believe can be quantified.

Knowing that you will have caused this enormous pain to your child, will take a lot of the shine off this new relationship for you AND him.

I don't know if you will ever know peace and feel good about yourself ever again, knowing that the consequences of your actions are the being borne by your little 8 year old.

You are his world, you are preparing to rip it apart.

For most parents, a huge fear is being taken from their children, when they are young.
To do it voluntarily, to cause that confusion is such a huge decision.

I'm saying all this to you, to slow you down.

Proceed with enormous caution because there will be NO going back from it.

Definitely consult professionals to help you realise the enormity of what you are proposing and the consequences.

You are caught up in lust and an emotional connection, after not feeling that for years.

I feel for you because I can understand the attraction.

But the absolute life changing shit storm that you are about to inact, if you tease it out, should give you massive pause.

Unfortunately, the reality when we have children, is that they come first.

It can be hard and lonely at times, but that is the responsibilities that parents shoulder.

Definitely speak to those that you trust IRL.

💐

I agree with other posters here. You need to seperate the issues and tackle them one by one. First, dump OM. Tell him it's over and that you are in no place to start a relationship with him right now.

Then, talk to DH. Tell him you are unhappy and that you need some changes in your life. If after working on your marriage and trying to see if there is anything to salvage you both decide it cannot work, seperate, work on care for your DS and set up alone in your own place.

I'm being very clinical and I realise where emotions are involved, things are not so black and white. But you need to start realising you are on the brink of damaging people beyond repair and you need to tread carefully.

I hope to make a go of things with the OM

This is the real reason for it all. Grass is greener and all that. Hope when you get there you realise it isn't. The OM probably likes it casual. Not full time. So he'll ditch you too...

Can you not end the marriage because you're unhappy without lining up a bed to hop in to? That's something that's always puzzled me about people who do this. You say your child is the priority now but I'm sure the effort to have your next relationship lined up will be a different story. I feel so bad for your husband. Get it over with. Tell him and be honest about what a creep you are. Then let him move on.

Don't leave your son.
My mother walked out to be with OM when I was 11, siblings 9 and 4.
Eventually two of us went to live with her ,which was awful as all she cared about was OM - and we were incredibly lucky that OM became a great stepfather.
But we never got over her walking out that door.
It affected all of us in different ways.

Whatever happens in your marriage,don’t leave your son. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life

Can you put aside your (understandable !) guilt and look at the most child centered way to end this ?? It’s going to be a very screwed narrative if you leave your child . For life he will think and believe mummy
Left him because she didn’t care

And you clearly do . Get a divorce and target 50:50 like every one else does

Don’t let your guilt force you into a custody situation like this

And of course you won’t fuck him up if you leave his dad . We are all old and ugly enough to
Know that what fucks kids up is abuse , traumas , depressed and addicted parents

If he has 2 parents that love him that’s ideal

No one should have to stay in a relationship they don’t want . That’s the mantra and it applies to ‘cheaters’ too !!

Get a lawyer and get moving

Guilt can paralyse and make us
Make the wrong decisions I think

You are doing the right thing leaving the home and establishing a residence nearby. I don't feel it is fair to ask your husband to leave the family home. And I get why you wish your DS to stay in the family home initially because it is his home.
I don't feel you are abandoning your child. You are quite clear about establishing a 50-50 co-parenting relationship.
Cheating aside, people are far less judgemental and more supportive of a man proposing what you have.

Mums leaving screw up children. Fathers leaving don't. Parent your child. OM is a symptom here. If you go straight to him, your child will RIGHTLY feel unimportant. And you will have a lifetime to regret it and be sad that your son shuts you out and does not trust people, and especially you. Deal properly with your separation, like an adult, take your child and stop living in lala land...

As the child of a mum who left me with my dad I wouldn't do it in a million years.

Even with a 50/50 arrangement.

You leave you take him with you. He's 8. He will understand that you are leaving and choosing to leave him behind.

You have a choice here don't make out that you don't.

Mums leaving screw up children. Fathers leaving don't

That’s a pretty subjective comment there

You still haven't answered if you're planning to move in with I'm or not. If you are that's fucking selfish. I don't know how you could do that to your ds.

Leaving dh fair enough, do it in the new year. Get settled with 50:50 care. Then after Christmas 2020 in new year 2021 introduce om to ds.

Mother's leaving has a catastrophic effect on children. Father's definitely not.

My children have friends with seperated parents and seem fine. They all live with their Mum's and their fathers are committed and involved.

The one person I know who's mother walked out on him and his sister has lived with a huge grief despite his father doing the absolute best he could.

My friend said his mother broke his little heart as a 10 year old and he's lived with it since. Poor man suffered the additional grief of his sister taking her life in her late 20's despite being very successful in both career and with a devoted newish husband. She had always been fragile since their mother upped and left.

His mother visits every so often and thinks she deserves the royal treatment, my friend can't stomach her, for the grief she's caused. Her poor husband puts up with her because he will always be the little boy that she abandoned.

It maybe unpalatable to read, but it certainly is my truth, and what I believe.

@billy1966 my mom left and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I grew up with my dad and the most wonderful step mom.

My mom is still selfish as ever. I saw her every other weekend growing up and reduced contact myself when I got to 13.

I was in a relationship with DV and there are many times I wanted to run alone but I would rather stay put than leave my kids. I have since left safely and took my children with me. If you want to leave your husband fine everyone deserves to be happy but don’t leave your child behind take him with you otherwise I don’t think you will ever forgive yourself.
What if your DH refuses 50/50? What if things don’t work out between you and the OM?
Take your child with you your his mother

I disagree with everyone saying to take your son because you're not committed to putting him first so I think he'll be better off with his dad.

I really don't mean that to sound horrible but you're putting yourself and the OM before you child (completely your prerogative).

50/50 contact is incredibly unsettling for a child so prepare for your H to play hardball. And prepare for a lot of resentment from your son.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go for primary residency. Why go for 50:50 first off unless you actually don’t want to be with your son FT.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

I am delighted for you.
It sounds like you had the measure of her.

A wonderful step mother no doubt was a great support.
💐

I think you should leave, where was your son whilst you’ve been with the om, where was putting him first, dealing with your unhappiness and moving out instead of finding a new man to shack up with and moving out without your child?..who was looking after your son when you’ve been planning this with your om?

50:50 still doesn’t suggest you’re taking your son with you and he’ll live with you and go to dads, seems a knee jerk to you saying you’re leaving and getting slated tbh. This OM night come and go he might end up being a big twat but your son is stuck in the middle and he will remember every single thing you do, for the rest of his life!

Do you want him to remember mum leaving without him, meeting new man after new man after you realise this one doesn’t make you happy either?!
Make YOU happy, live alone, put your child first and then meet yourself a new person when the time is right for your son and you. We don’t have to always BE with someone to be happy, and our job as parents is to look after our kids and prevent them from hurt and harm, and he will suffer at your hands if you leave him to go to another man.

Have you had any more thoughts @WhatTheHellShouldIDoOP?