Leaving DH

[WhatTheHellShouldIDo]

After a difficult few years with DH, I have come to the almost impossible decision to leave him. This has been cemented by (and I'm expecting to be flamed for this, quite rightly) meeting someone who has helped me to realise how unhappy I have been.

Dh and I have one child, who is the most wonderful and brilliant thing in my life. leaving the family home means leaving him behind, though I am not planning on going very far and will see him as much as humanly possible. I am in the wrong as it were and I'm not willing to rip him from his home, his friends and his Dad because of me.

I am having to wait to tell DH and DC due to wanting to minimise the pain and trauma over Christmas. Rightly or wrongly I want to give DC a decent Christmas not overshadowed by my crappy decision.

DH is a wonderful man and father who has done no wrong. I realised some years ago that we are better friends than partners but I had got caught up in the idea of creating a nuclear family to raise our child in.

How can I break this to them? I am petrified of what this will mean and want to tell them both in a way that lets them know it is me, not them and that I want to co-parent, be the best Mum I can be and hopefully retain some semblance of a friendship with DH. I know I am most likely minimising what could happen here. I am already on medication from the GP to help me cope as I have explained to them my current situation.

Rather depressing reading some of these responses that almost assume the father is just an after thought and that there is no possibility that the child would be better off him while the op buggers off to her new chap.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing in leaving your husband if you are unhappy and cannot see a way back. However, please don't leave thinking that you and OM will be happy ever after because the likely hood is that will not be the case. You need to leave for you, set up a new home for you and your son and then when things have settled down maybe see how it goes with the OM. If you put your fancy man above your DS you will regret it for the rest of your life and with all the will in the world it will change your relationship with him massively.

I left my DH after 25 years because I was unhappy, I expected me and DS to skip off into the sunset but the harsh reality is very very different. You need to be prepared, like really prepared. It isn't a fairy tale, you and OM won't live happily ever after so make sure you are one million percent before you chuck that grenade.

I’m sorry OP but - as I don’t think it’s been spelt out to you...you are in affair fog and absolutely NOT thinking clearly about anything other than happy ever after with OM.
It’s also fairly clear that you are thinking of renting somewhere near with OM (is he leaving his wife too?) and having DC over as often as you can? Is that correct?

I think that there are a number of things you aren’t factoring in. Firstly- introducing your DC to your new man you now live with ’ will be devastating- your DC will feel that you have abandoned him for OM too!
You say ‘in your heart of hearts’ you know you’ve been unhappy- which is affair speak for nothing was very bad until you met OM and all the swirling heady love hormones made you realise what you’ve been missing. It means your still at a very early stage in your affair and things will not be or feel as rosey when it all comes out.
Also -your sneaking around, deception and dishonesty toward your DH is something your DC will see (now or looking back when not very much older) and he will find that hard to deal with if there has been a stable family life that came to an end as a consequence.
Your DH will be devastated too - obviously- and is unlikely to be amiable about facilitating a good relationship between you/OM and your DC. It sounds like a recipe that will be agonising for all involved.
If OM has wife/children too then you can triple it.
If you are really unhappy and there’s no fixing it then leave - but don’t try to leap into a fantasy that really isn’t there. Honestly OP - think it through?

hell would freeze over before I left my son. Your wording is very odd in the OP, so you just want to separate from your husband like millions of people do - but you've worded it as if you're leaving your son behind and running off with another man? Are you thinking with your vagina? Just tell your husband you want to separate and then work out how things will work, don't do anything with the "other man" in mind, sort out what's best for you and your son, live like that for a while. Let things settle, let your son settle, AND THEN consider a relationship, slowly.

There is an interesting lack of knowledge around family law here

Family and divorce law is primarily child focussed . So unless there is abuse , the general intent is to work with divorcing parents to work out a solution that’s best for the children

So even in cases of infidelity etc no one can legally make a case to stop the mother or father having wanted and needed access to the child

OP it’s not been an easy thread , I have also had the shit kicked this week on here and it’s a horrible feeling

Gather your ducks and slow
Down . Don’t assume that becoming infatuated automatically means you can’t co parent your child

My MIL left FIL for another man when DH was a teenager- she took DH's youngest brother but left DH and other siblings. Came back two weeks later and kicked FIL out of the family home but the damage was done: her relationship with DH has never recovered. My childhood BF's mum also left her dad (for someone else) and left BF and her sister behind. The relationship took years (10-15) to mend. Don't underestimate the visceral reaction children can have to being left behind and especially to knowing that new partner has been prioritised over them. Even if you don't move straight in with OM/introduce them straight away, he will work it out. Not necessarily now, but in time. He will work it out and ask questions and he may feel rejected. Please prioritise your child.

@Fightingmycorner2019 I think the reason OP is getting a hard time is because her initial post basically said she was leaving her son, doesn't know where she's going to live and will see him when she can.

As the majority of posters are mothers, the thought of leaving their children and being so blasé about being able to see them has struck a lot of nerves.

But she since clarified ?
I just know how fucking horrible it feels when people attack you and she said herself she is suffering mentally

People do tend to project a bit here

Of course she is suffering mentally, she feels bone-crushingly guilty. As she freely admits she should. People are jumping on her because there is a long way between, "leave him and see him as much as possible" and "50/50 co-parenting" and people just don't buy that she actually really meant the latter when all the language in the OP suggests she meant the former.

OP, have you spoken to your husband about what is making you unhappy in your current relationship, and have you tried working on it, together? How long has this affair been going on, and what was the timeline of starting to feel unhappy and falling for this other man? Because I 100% agree with other posters, what you have with the OM is not real right now. You're potentially throwing your life away on a fantasy which is going to melt away when reality hits.

Of course, we might all be wrong. But before you do anything drastic you need to try and get your objective head on and seriously analyse whether this course of action is going to actually solve anything and make you happy long term.

I honestly don't think people are attacking the OP.

She has come on to brain storm and the overwhelming advice is.

Slow down and think this through.

Don't allow lust be the motivation.

Be clear about the utter devastation that will be caused.

Do not attempt to set up a home immediately with OM.

Sort out your leaving your marriage first before you do anything.

Think some more about how this will play out.

Proceed with massive caution.

These are the messages the OP has been sent.

Wanting to prevent someone doing something the would hugely regret.

Why do you have to be the one to leave?

Because she is the one who wants to end the marriage. I can tell you now, if my wife wanted our marriage to end, I wouldn't be leaving the house.

OP doesn’t need to leave the house either. Plenty cohabit while sorting out the divorce.

Reading between lots of lines here it sounds very much to me as though you’re planning to move straight in with your new partner, which is the reason why you’re choosing not to take your child with you. It might also explain why there are so many questions you haven’t answered on this thread. I can imagine it’s pretty harsh to see that in black and white, harder still to actually plan it and do it.
If this is the case, please, I cannot urge you enough, do not do this. It will tell your son, loudly, clearly and painfully that you are choosing this new partner P and new life over and above him. The relationship between a parent and child is so unique, this will be such a brutal act that will absolutely affect him in ways it’s very difficult to anticipate. This exact scenario took place when I was a child, and my brother and I never fully recovered. The pain and hurt caused is still very apparent, relationships never recovered, my brother needed years of therapy and I’m in no doubt that it affected his ability to trust and form meaningful relationships throughout a significant portion of his life.
I would absolutely be saying the same were you a man by the way. When you’re a parent, that means putting your child first, above anything else, you are his everything, please think of another way of ending your marriage.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster makes a relevant point but I'm not sure many posters would be keen to say "what a selfish plan maybe your child would be better off with his father".

When my mother left having had an affair and moved on, I was "better off" with my father yes, that didn't mean that it didn't hurt me for decades afterwards. I don't remember her leaving either this child will. I had to work through a lot of feelings of abandonment and it affected my relationships and my life for a long time. It affected how I bonded with my son. And I had good stable attachments with wider family as well.

This child may not respond like that of course but equally there seems to be a massive massive amount of people who recognise that pattern.

Factor in "affair fog" and intense limerence which is likely in play here as well and the OP appears to be putting herself far before her child.

Jeez people are way too harsh sometimes. Especially those who glaringly have no experience of this.

OP. I ended my marriage. I left the family home because it felt the right thing to do and I have my children 50/50 although I still feel like I "left" them. It's tough but 18 months down the line, we're all okay and I have an okay relationship with my ex. DM me if you want time chat more.

You don’t know how your children will feel 10 years down the line though, it’s too early to tell what the impact will be.

Some of the posters commenting do have the experience of their mother leaving.

I would rather die than leave my son, I'd put up with violence and all sorts for him.
Your flush of love for this other man will wear off and you will regret your decisions, your son will hate you.
Seen it all before.
Could be your husband will get full custody, judges are not terribly keen on mothers who leave to live with new men I find.

Oh yes and I never forgave my mother for dumping me in a boarding school and going off abroad with her new bloke. They had more children and lived very happy lives indeed. I didn't see them for 20 years and now they expect a loving dutiful daughter.
They got an angry monster.

Have you tried to work on your marriage first before making a unilateral decision to end it? Where is the OM in this as often those who have affairs are not reliable and maybe he is not in it for the long haul so if are leaving and destroying your family for him make sure it is worth it. If you are unhappy but your DH is a wonderful man why have you not tried to salvage the relationship for your DCs sake? I think on balance most DC want their mum and dad to live together. If one parent is abusive or there are genuine reasons for you to be unhappy that is different but it sounds as if you have fallen out of love with your DH and no excitement that there often is in a new relationship. If you are friends still surely you can work on that and not throw away your marriage because it is evolving as most marriages do?

Are you coming back OP?

I don’t think people are being harsh at all.
They are stating facts, some from their own experience, that OP needs to hear before making a catastrophic mistake.

Please don't leave your child. I have taught for over 30 years and inevitably taught many children from single parent families. Every child whose mother left was inevitably traumatised and damaged by it. They really struggled to cope - far, far more than those whose fathers were no longer there.

Society has expectations of mothers - and these trickle down. Every child I taught whose mother had left without them somehow subconsciously felt it must be their fault. Mothers don't leave you - but theirs did. So they must be an awful person. It did incredible damage to them.

And some children are affected by their fathers leaving

Why's everything in society geared around women blaming, everything is worse if a woman does it

@bigchris plenty of men are criticised here for how they end relationships and cope with their children. This thread is about a woman so that's what is being discussed.

Societally it's far less common for women to leave their children. I was bullied quite exstensively for it when I was a primary school child in the late 80s/90s but actually not much has changed. Being treated differently by your core relative than the rest of society does have an impact on self esteem and mental health. Whether some enjoy it or not motherhood is the core as they bring life into the world in a very physical way.

Yes some kids are more resilient and some are not. We don't know. It's presumed by society (rightly or wrongly) that mothers are a stable base and children do better when they are much more so than when fathers provide that stable attachment and that's without factoring in that fathers are more likely to be working etc.

Attachment theory and the negative impacts of poor or disruptive attachment really is very interesting.

Leaving your kid for a man. Nice